1st you should have NEVER agreed to him seeing his daughters at his ex's place. That you need to put a s top to NOW! By you allowing that, you have all taught this ungrateful little witch that THEY are family and you are not.

2nd go back and read #1!

3rd stop doing so much. Stop buying for them and let your DH do it instead. Stop cooking on the days they come to your place. Eat out or let him cook.

4th do not expect anything from them except a respectful relationship. That is probably all it will ever be.

5th read 1-4 and the time you spend doing things for others, do it for you. Focus on your marriage instead. When they aren't around, be the sexy wife that he wants you to be...100 times more.

As women, we tend to do too much and not enough of what men really want. I did some of what you have and it got me nowhere...I felt the same. Cooking, cleaning, buying crap for others. I once sat down with my husband and asked him what he wanted out of our relationship...he didn't say a spotless house, home cooked meals, gifts for his family and great sex. Instead his order was; my wife to look great when I come home, great sex and not tired from cleaning or running around, some homecooked meals and peace with his family. IN THAT ORDER. Once I knew this, I changed what i spent my energy on. The more days i looked great and we had great sex, the less he cared if the other things happened or not.

Don't give up if overall he is a good man and you love him. Focus on your marriage and everything else starts falling into place.

PS my DH and I were together for 10yrs before we married and this all took place before we married.

You need to start focusing on your relationship so that he is happy with that first...If even after doing that he still tells you to leave, then you need to do it and NEVER look back. He threatens you because he knows you won't leave. Telling someone to leave to me is no different than kicking them out and in my book, as well as my DH's, if either of us says that to the other we WILL walk and never look back.

In a calm voice, over wine or similar, ask him to please stop telling you to leave because that is the same as kicking someone out and it hurts your feelings. If he doesn't get it, move on.

Hi - sorry you are having such a hard time. Its tough to come to a point where you realise you are giving more than you are getting and to feel so empty, used and disposable. It takes a mammoth effort to do the job of step-parenting - and without support and appreciation it can be soul destroying. So here's stuff I have found helpful; hope it might help you.

Realising that I am a free agent - everything I have done for my SK's i did out of love for partner. I am also free to choose not to do the work of parenting my SK's if my partner doesn't support me or take my feelings into account - this is called 'disengaging' and there are some fabulous and helpful articles about this that may be good for you to read.

My resentment, frustration and anger often stem from my own unmet needs - so if I'm not being supported by DH - then I'm 'giving' to his kids on an 'empty' tank and eventually I will 'breakdown'!

I have the ability and RIGHT to meet my own needs - but first I may have to STOP meeting everyone else's needs first!! (in my case I have my own kids now and only THEIR needs come before mine)

I can trust my own perception of the situation - everyone has the right to their position in the family - I.e BM and DH have their 'right' to do things THEIR way - well so do I! And MY way can be staying out of their drama and 'dance' - ie it's not my job to cook, clean, taxi, cater for other peoples children who do not take MY views of the situation into account.

I can teach my SK's a valuable lesson in life as they enter young adulthood - if they treat people unacceptably, are thoughtless, ungrateful and two faced then other people will not do anything nice for them or want to be around them.

The only adults that kids can reasonably take for granted (until a certain age ) are their own PARENTS - they cannot expect all adults to put up with that.

Take whatever good you can from a situation that is sucking you dry, I.e save money for future, make a 'safe haven' in your home that you retreat to for peace when SK's are doing your head in. You are not obligated in any way to take resoonsibility for their needs at weekends when they are with you.

I can focus on my life, my direction, my goals - which the moment are complete financial, emotional and mental independence

In the SK's world I am a minor side part - parents take the leading role! So why invest so much energy into such a low reward.

If I want LESS of something in my life (ie, hurt, stress, disappointment, pain,,frustration, heartbreak) then I need to create MORE of something's else (ie freedom, choice, empowerment, love, joy, fun, exercise, relaxation, spontaneity)

I hope these realisations that have come to me over the last 9 years in my situation will help you!

I agree with herewegoagain. Neither you or your partner can make his kids consider you as family. The arrangement they currently have in place kind of solidifies that way of thinking, though. They have family day at BM's house with all of them together & then go visit dad & his live-in on other days.

Focus on your relationship with your partner more than you do on your relationship with his kids. If you can strengthen that between the two of you, maybe it will help him feel more protective of you & that relationship. While he cannot make his kids consider you family, he can expect them & teach them to respect you as an equal adult in your home.

Stop doing everything for them. They don't appreciate it. Continuing to do it isn't going to make them learn to appreciate. It teaches them to EXPECT it from you. You don't owe them that. You can't buy their approval or thanks.

Fix what YOU want to eat for dinner. If they don't like it, they can go without or they or their dad can fix them something else. Don't spend your time trying to keep them entertained. If they complain about being bored, send them to their dad.

I also agree with what she said in regards to his telling you to leave if you're not happy. He has to know that if he wants a life with you, that is not an acceptable thing to say. He says it because it brings an end to the conversation he doesn't want to have & you stay.

You have to be able to talk to him about what you think & what you feel. If he can't be open to hearing you, he doesn't respect you & he won't. If he doesn't respect you, his kids won't either.

I feel for u girl!! I would totally get the hell out of there u deserve better...I'd stay for a little while and do nothing for anyone but urself...u deserve so much better and I hope u find it I just got out of a 10 year relationship that was hell and honey it really can be better when u are happy....u have nothing to lose but a lot of pain and hurt....what kind of jackass tells u to leave...or maybe u should tell him and skids to go live with the ex and u stay put haha! Wish u the best!

I sure as hell wouldn't stay in a relationship where I wasn't appreciated. The fact that you have been together for 9 years and aren't married is a HUGE sign. If you are the one who nixed any wedding plans, then your subconscious is very smart. She is screaming at you, "Don't stay with this man! He is an ungrateful pig!" You deserve better. Focus on that rather than how leaving will turn your world upside down. It will be ok. Get the hell away from this man.

Hi - love my step - I would love to hear more of your situation - as I think it can help me at present - did you spend 20 years with SD dad? I seriously considered 'walking' but have two boys with DH now - so not an option and willing to give all to stay together for boys - while increasing my independence in all areas and working on my goals and dreams so I am fulfilled and also have options when boys are older - I also want to live life fully and with integrity - not settling for scraps of attention and love - eventually and after years of letting lots of shit slide my DH did back me up and told SD17 to apologise or move out and she moved out (SD13) left too - to go to BM after 8 YEARS of full time care with me and DH - i tell you with the SParentung you never know is round the corner - I really thought we were going to all.make it - but with a jealous bitchy BM and brainwashed SKids - its like swimming against the tide