Hi all, sometimes Rags will post something he read that's usually super helpful. I'm reading a book on relationships called, "In Each Other's Care". It gave the words of what I want in my relationship with dh, and also made it starkly clear why I've felt so hurt and angry.  Do you all agree with these principles?

According to the author, these should be core principles in couples that are non-negotiable (I am not including all of them, just the ones relevant to step life):

"1. We have each other's backs at all times, without exception.

2. We make all decision that would affect each other together by getting each other fully on board before acting.

3. We protect each other's interests in public and private at all times.

4. We consider our own interests, concerns and troubles as we consider the other's interests, concerns, and troubles, and we do so simultaneously.

5. Together we lead each other and everyone in our care."

By violating any of these, a couple's interdependency and the energy they cultivate together is thrown off balance and trust is affected which impacts the entire family system. It's so important to protect the respect, trust, and interdependency within a couple. I feel that my dh and I do practice these princples EXCEPT when it comes to SS. In the past and somewhat in the present, dh regularly allows SS to stomp on some of these. In reading this book, I'm realizing that for the sake of the health of our marriage, I have to insist that dh never allow SS to be a mini-wife, to try and drive the narrative, to excuse mistreatment of me because of some emotion SS is experiencing. DH can support and help SS with all of his needs, but never at the cost of my interests and well being. I'm going to be very firm about that. I am especially over it given that SS is 19 yo.

I think a lot of you already do this, but I have to make a strong effort to define my needs and enforce them because  I have trouble with standing up for myself.