I am so sick of the sinking feeling and the horrible panicky sensations I get every time my SD's name is mentioned, I just have to share it with someone. SD is 16 and lives with BM and SS (13). BM works part-time, gets more than the statutory amount of child support from my H, and has the kids about 5 nights/week under the decree. By agreement, since the entry of the decree (2.5 years ago), H has had an extra night or so each week, so that he gets the kids on average 3 nights each week (or more accurately, 6 out of 14 nights). He keeps an apartment in their town so that he can even do a single overnight at a time with them (our towns are a couple of hours apart). He is a dedicated, kind, loving, slightly over-indulgent (even before the divorce) father.

SD has a strange relationship with BM. BM is VERY judgmental (this isn't my view; this is the view of SD's therapist, who has spent plenty of time with BM and said it to me outright). SD has been in therapy for cutting and body image issues and boyfriend troubles and for her difficulties in coping with the divorce. BM is in charge of when/if SD goes to therapy, though, so when things seem to be okay on her end, she regularly cancels appointments (they are covered under H's insurance policy). When I first met SD, things were distant but okay; we went through a rough few months just prior to our wedding (9 months ago), but then things got better (SD gave a lovely toast at the wedding, bringing tears to everyone's eyes). Since the wedding, however, SD really only likes H when she's getting her way or he's giving her stuff. For a while, she and I developed a closeness that revolved around whether SD should be on birth control or not. I agreed that, since she was already sexually active, of course she should--and BM, for religious reasons, said no way, no how. H agreed with me. Finally, after a long and heartfelt talk with me, SD confirmed that she was, in fact, sexually active (we knew this, or at least strongly suspected it--though BM had fervently denied it, saying that SD told her everything and she was not having sex). SD asked me to tell her dad, which I did (he was not surprised) and then asked dad to tell mom. Mom's response? "Yeah, I suspected that she had done it on one of YOUR WEEKENDS." Under pressure, Mom finally relented on the birth control issue but things immediately fell apart between SD and me.

Therapist tells me and H that BM's love for SD is conditioned on certain things (what a nightmare to find out that your parent's love is conditional!) and that SD has to reject me (and therefore H) in order to stay in mom's good graces. In addition, SD is running around doing all sorts of inappropriate things (drinking/drugs/sex) and therapist says mom doesn't know it (which is SD's plan). Having H and me in the picture adds two more parents, when all SD wants is to get free of parental influence and keep mom happy enough not to notice that she's got the wool pulled over her eyes. She seems to want both closeness with BM and for BM to overlook her bad behavior.

So...things fell apart...what happened was that SD had a boyfriend with whom she was being overtly sexual in front of us (lying in bed together, under a blanket, watching movies all day, making humping motions, for one thing--I was ready to tell the boy that you're supposed to call a doctor for an erection lasting longer than 4 hours). H didn't have the nerve to confront her about it (her behavior had made it clear that if he crossed her, she would ditch him) but I couldn't hold back and yelled at her. I also told her that it was a sign of the disrespect she feels for her dad, and that she only wants to have him in her life when he lets her have her way or buys her stuff. If he tries to "parent" (in terms of setting limits), she rejects him. All of that, I am sure, comes from the nasty feelings that mom has for him (and the lack of respect she's always had for him, even prior to the divorce). SD was especially mad at H because he didn't yell at me or tell me to shut up, instead letting me criticize her (because it's all the stuff he has been wanting to say but was too scared to). I did text message her an apology for losing my temper, but did not apologize for criticizing her behavior or her lack of respect for dad.

Now it's been four months and SD hasn't been in contact with H at all. She missed a cruise with my family and a trip to Europe with her grandma this summer, and ignored dad at every event or anytime they crossed paths. He continued regular visitation with SS (alternating weeks all summer and now back to 3 nights/week) and the relationship between me and SS is better than ever. H and SS are also doing well--I think SS appreciates that the drama of his sister isn't shoving him off to the side all the time.

SD finally texted H a few weeks ago and asked to have lunch together. By prior agreement between him and me, he told her that he would meet with her in the therapist's office, and proceeded to make an appointment. That meeting hasn't happened yet because SD was mad that he wouldn't just meet with her and apologize for not yelling at me during the confrontation.

And then SD and BM had a therapy session together, where BM got to play gatekeeper again--in her mind, this is all the retribution H should face because he had the nerve to divorce her (this despite the fact that she had told H that she cared more for another man than for him--but in her world/church, you can be entirely miserable forever as long as you don't let the town know or actually get divorced). "There are consequences," and all that. The natural consequence, I guess, is that her 16-year-old daughter has begun to turn into her. I told the therapist that SD once told me that her mother was very judgmental (this was during the sex talks) and that she was so glad that she was more like her dad--not judgmental at all. The therapist, on hearing this, actually snorted into the telephone, and said that SD and her mom are both incredibly judgmental.

I really don't have a question, other than has anyone come out on the other side of this with a decent relationship with SD? At this point, I am alternating between hardening my heart/telling myself that I have to learn not to care, and feeling this awful sinking feeling every time we talk about it (which is far too often) because I actually do WANT a relationship with this kid. The therapist is on our side, in that she understands that mom is poisoning the child, but she also realizes that the only way to keep SD in therapy is to keep mom happy/not criticize her. That means she can tell me that mom loves the kid conditionally or that mom is judgmental, but she can't say those things to mom or to SD.

Is there a time when everyone can be more honest with SD and tell her what mom's doing? Is there any value to that? Or should I just teach myself to stop loving this kid who I actually DID begin to love/like?

Just to give more context--BM and I have NEVER interacted. When we have the kids, I always remind them to call her. When we go on vacation, I always remind them to get her a gift (and pay for it). We attend every school function even on our non-visitation weekends. We haven't missed a band competition or school play or community theater production. We see one another, but she does this odd "look at me, I am so happy and have so many friends" laugh thing and avoids making eye contact. And she only interacts with H through email, when she can avoid phoning.

Is there something I am missing here, some new thing to try, or new way to think about this?