On purpose? Or am I paranoid?
There has been so much turbulence of late that anything BM does, just gets my back up.
We have gone from police involvement, to her being super cooperative to a strained truce. SD14 lives with BM and 2 other siblings (different bio-dad). I don't know what the deal is with the other guy, but apparently he has left her. Don't know when or anything, but her new baby is 5-6 months old. They used to live in a 3 bedroom house (bad neighborhood), but have since moved.
They are now in a small apartment in the same bad neighborhood. Last pickup, BM asked DH to come to the door, apparently to ask some inane questions. The last time DH went to her door would have been YEARS ago. Its tiny, cramped and stuff everywhere. Not dirty- just a lot of stuff, there is an adult, a teen and 2 infants living there,
DH has been consumed with this for the past few weeks now, and feels incredible guilt for the way his daughter is living. ( I want to remind him that SD was always welcome here on EOWE before BM went completely batshit and manipulated some real ugliness, but I don't want to kick him when he's down)
I think BM is working him. We recently went to court for CS issues and my DH has always paid the correct amount, which the judge agreed. I think she is playing him for more money, fully knowing what DH would think when he saw her living conditions.
She has one kid with DH, 2 with another guy, but I don't know what or even IF the other guy pays. Thoughts?
What does your DSD say about
What does your DSD say about it living there? If she's happy, being fed, not being abused --there's little that can be done.
EXCEPT...
I'd be suspicious about biomom encroaching another way. Now that she has no man around to take care of her whose the one in closest proximity? Not saying she has any romantic ideas but she's probably being nice because your DH is the only one who can check the oil in her car and hook up the dishwasher. Is she known for playing the victim role to get what she wants? She has to be beyond stupid to think another man other than the father would be supporting her other children.
My mother has NPD. However,
My mother has NPD. However, she rarely played victim because she couldn't bare the thought of people seeing her as weak. At most she'd say people would try to victimize her but she'd "see through it" because she's clever like that.
People who master victim roles for gain are usually BPDs. They are the emos of the Cluster Bs.
I dont know if the OP's BM at hand falls into either one of these disorders. She could. There are plenty of functional people who are nice to get help and mean when crossed.
You know, I was thinking the
You know, I was thinking the same thing.
BM is the ORIGINAL victim. Takes responsibility for nothing, everything is someone else's fault and she is perfect. I had a talk with DH about boundaries and he knows in no uncertain terms that I will not stand for her interference again. There is a level of psychopathy there that I can't even describe.
'oil in her car and hook up dishwasher' made me giggle- doesn't drive and no dishwasher.
In court documentation to the judge, there were expenses that definitely included her other kids. Judge called her on it and it was a non-issue.
What does scare me is her desperation... as Aswang said- she has babies to feed. I feel like she is gearing up for something big... All during the whole court saga, she was amenable and positive, upbeat even. This has put DH in a lull of complacency. NOT ME. He truly believes she wants to and is tired of fighting. I call Bullshit
In reality what can you do?
In reality what can you do? You're willing to take the girl in and he's concerned about the girls living conditions. Tell him when the ex asks for more money he counters by offering to take the girl in without child support from his ex. It's a bribe. It's also notice that he'll make the same offer in court thus ending his payments to her.
If he really wants to bribe her he can tell his ex that they both can ask the court to order a change in custody, end of child support and once he has the order he will continue to pay child support for 6 months to get her on her feet. The custody is a court ordered change. The "child support" is a informal offer to help and not a issue before the court. It's under the table if you wish. It's a bribe in reality but if it becomes public its a offer to help the mother of his child. What a guy.
Truthfully, if my husband
Truthfully, if my husband offered his ex money because he felt bad for her, I would leave him. I'd never be able to get past it. Seriously. And I love the man absurdly. But that would be the end of our relationship - she took so much and manipulated him for so long, I'd lose all respect for him if he fell for it again and we would be done.
I don't think he'll offer
I don't think he'll offer more money...
I do think he may pay for other things... like, her bus pass. Instead of splitting it with BM, he may just foot the bill. Stuff like that. I'm ok with that- the money goes directly to SD not BM.
She lives quite a distance from a highly specialized high school she will go to. (She's very bright) The monthly bus pass is over $100.
What I do see happening is parents in law stepping in. They have in the past. DH lost his shit a few years ago, he found out his mom went to lunch with BM, and 'helped' her out. This was when I was new, like 6 months. (I hadn't met SD yet) It didn't affect me at the time, but now it would. BM has done so much damage to us, to me, to SD that if someone rewarded her- I would feel slapped in the face.
I'm doing some reading- brushing up on histrionic disorder and other Cluster B's. I can't shake this feeling.
If she has histrionic she'd
If she has histrionic she'd be coming onto him like mad. They use sex as means of persuasion and usually dress the part. Ironically they don't care for sex--it's just a tool to get what they want.
A couple of books for you if you're interested.
Stop Walking Eggshells-Borderline Personality
or
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship (2002)
By Lawson, both books touches the NPD topic by breaking the personalities into for characters: Waif, Witch, Queen, and Hermit.
If you want to focus on NPD--People of the Lie is a wonderful book. It will scare you because it confirms there truly are evil people in the world.
That being said, keep an open perspective. It's rare for people to have personality disorders. We stepmoms are knowns for casting the crazy label on the ex wives when in most cases its about insecurities and projections. Like I said there are plenty of normal people who act nuts. It doesn't mean they are nuts.
Thanks for the referrals for
Thanks for the referrals for reading!
I will absolutely take advantage.
I totally get it about, pseudo-crazy VS. actual disorder. I've done a lot of research and so much reading. What I see from her is enmeshment, she is a compulsive liar, she has a high level of apathy and zero sense of consequence.
The intricate lies she spins are unbelievable. Now, No one who knows her believes a damn thing, but she moves around so much and is, on the surface, very charming, so she wreaks havoc on many people.
Just a nugget? When she met DH, she was living in an abusive home. Mother neglected her, father was a drunk and worst of all, brother was sexually abusing her. I mean, she would call DH in the middle of the night from a 7-11 crying and he would go get her. She would be in shorts in minus degree weather. She had to run from her brother and the stories were terrifying. DH was living in a small condo in the city at the time, so his parents took her in. Took care of her and sheltered her. In the end it turned out, father left YEARS before, and there WAS NO BROTHER.
To this day, my DH is the one that got away. She saw him as a meal ticket for life. DH's family is very well off and she saw it. Something in her snapped when, 9 years after her, I came along, and he married me. (he never married her)
If I didn't hate her so much, I would have compassion, because she really is a pathetic soul. But she is too much of a bitch.