READY TO DISENGAGE!! PLEASE HELP ME GO FORWARD!!
I married my DH almost 11 years ago. At the time, he had SS15, SD12, SD8, and SS3 in his care. Actually the oldest is Autistic and has lived in a group home since he was 8, but we did get frequent visits from him. I have tried my darndest for 11 years to raise these children with my DH as best as I can. We have also had 3 boys..now 9, 8, and 6. The first SD is now married and has a baby. Her husband is awesome and I love him dearly. I feel as if, to my SD21, i am disposable. No matter what I do, I can never do right by her. She has chosen to block me from FB and use that as a manipulation tactic because she knows it hurts me. Their baby just turned a year and they had a great birthday party. I have to say, that there was absolutely NNNOOO drama there and it was all about that sweet baby girl. She even let me make the ladybug cupcakes for the party. It has been rocky with our relationship, but I really believe that she likes to keep me on the outs because its a good conversation piece for her and her friends, and quite a few in mu DH's family. They have all judged my parenting from teh beginning and that is what I am sopoo done with!!! When the second Sd was a junior in HS, she had quite a few goals that she wanted to accomplish...like getting into teh dental program, getting scholarships.....I did everything that I could to encourage her and also ggive her (figuratively) a swift kick in teh butt when she ws falling back and not doing her best. That led to tension and my husband, instead of manning up and being a parent, sent her off to live with his sister across town... NOT GOOD!! So now, 2 years later, she is NOT going to school, not working and is shacking up with a kid who is on felony probation and on teh sex offender registry. My husband doesnt seem to think he had anything to do with where she is now..SOOOO DELUSIONAL!!!!
SOOOOOO I get to the real issue at hand. SS14 is a Freshman in HS and is Special Needs. He has ADD and Reactive Detatchment Disorder (neglected by mom as an infant). He has been in special Ed classes from teh very beginning and I the only thing that I have ever asked him is that he try HIS best. Year after year, he has basically been doing allot of the same math work..over and over...Allot of teh time, unless he is ohysically being watched, he will not stay on task. His backpack and desk at home look like a time bomb went off in them. I know I should have disengaged a LONG time ago, but I know that my DH WILL NOT help him really..he might say he will, but he is quite a talker...and not allot of follow up!!! I was organizing my other little boys paperwork the other night and SS was cleaning his room (This literally takes him from hours to days) and I told him it might be a good time while he was cleaning his room to organize his paperwork. He pulled it out of his desk..this massive stack of jumbled mess and proceded to spread it out in my living room to "organize" it. I was giving him tips of what how to organize (lieterally for the 1000th time) and chuuming with him. I told him that when I was done with teh little boys papers, I would help him, bt he had to be working on it. I kept hearing...I'd rather be playing games right now...I'm getting tired of this..I'm getting hungry...and excuse in the world. I got miffed and said "Fine'''there's the garbage. If you're not gonna take time to organize it so you can have it for semester tests, you might as well throw it away. Right then my DH husband walks into the room, and tells him to just leave that stuff there and go and get something to eat.....tries to lecture me about being light and easy...just CRAP!!! IM SO DONE!!!!
DO...DISENGAGING..WHAT DO I DO...I KNWO I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS SCHOOLWORK AT ALL ( EVEN IF i AHVE BEEN THE DRIVING FORCE FOR THE LAST 11 YEARS), HE WILL BE DOING HIS OWN LAUNDRY, IF HE DOESNT DO HIS CHORES OR CLEAN HIS ROOM, HIS DAD WILL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM, DAD WILL HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO REMIND HIM TO SHOWER AND BRUSH HIS TEETH, ETC (As he usually will not do so if not reminded), DAD WILL AHVE TO HELP HIM FINISH UP THE ALST 3 BADGES FOR HIS EAGLE SCOUT, AS I REFUSE TO DO ANY MORE WITHOUT THIS BOYS MOTIVATION BEING TEH DRIVING FORCXE..DAD WILL BE THE ONE TO CHECK UP ON HOMEWORK AND FOLLOW THROUGH. IF HE DOESNT..THATS NOT ON ME.....AM I MISSING ANYTHING!!!! I AM SOOO READY TO DISENGAGE FORM THIS CHILD RIGHT NOW AND I AM SICK OND TIRED OF BEING THE ONLY PARENT, STEP OR OTHER, WHO HAS ANY KIND OF EXPECTATIONS...ADVICE!!!
Disengage completely. It
Disengage completely. It will be the best thing you have ever done. Stop doing ANYTHING for your skids. They don't appreciate you or anything you do. Stop reminding him to do anything. At some point, he will either sink or swim. If your DH won't do anything, then why should you? This is not your kid. Even though you have been in the kids life for 11 years, he does not appreciate you. Stop doing his laundry. Stop reminding him to shower, brush his teeth, do his homework, etc. Take care of your own kids and that's it!
Seriously -- it will be hard at first, but as you continue to do it, your burden will lift. If he asks you what he should do about something, then you ask him "what do you think you should do?" Turn it back on him. Make him think for himself.
Yes it can be infuriating to keep your mouth shut when it comes to your skids, but it will be the best thing you've ever done. You let your DH do everything for his kids -- including their birthday cards/gifts, etc. I've stopped doing EVERYTHING for his kids and I'm SO GLAD that I've done that!
At the beginning of disengaging I'll admit that it was hard, but it did get easier to stay out of their "business."
If his room needs to be cleaned, don't say a word -- let your DH handle it, or just let the kid stay in his own filth. Shut the door if you don't want to see it. Don't do his laundry. If he puts his laundry in the laundry room (if you have a room), pick it back up and throw it in his room. And keep doing that till he gets the hint that his laundry stays in his room until he does his own laundry.
Don't go to his school conferences, etc.
As far as your oldest SD that has blocked you on FB -- good! Now you don't have to see all her crap! My oldest SD has blocked me also. I don't have any of my skids as "friends" on FB. I don't want to see it! Pour yourself into your own kids.
My DH said to me one time -- "if you're going to do that, then they won't like you." At that point I told him "they don't like me even when I'm NICE to them, so WHO cares!" It's true. I used to bend over backwards trying to do special things for them, be there for them, special things on their birthday, etc., only to be still hated. So what's the point of killing myself trying to do things so they will like me??! I don't even know what it was that sent me over the edge to where I was done, but when I was done, I was DONE! Now I simply just respond to them. If they make attempts at a relationship with me, then I will respond. If they don't, then I don't. It's pretty simple. I keep my walls up with them.
Sure it's kind of sad, but this is their own doing -- not mine.
My advice. Start taking care
My advice. Start taking care of yourself. Learn the lessons that these A-holes have taught you and only deal with them when they are nice to you. It's okay to do that. My dad's new wife and I don't get along much. I tried, she tried, but we will never see eye to eye on things. So she has disengaged and so have I. No hard feelings. We just aren't meant to be friends, just deal with each other when there are family events.
Mom of 5 is right, let go. They'll probably hate you forever until they don't and it will be their decision. Now that they're grown ups I would def. start to move on and live it up with DH.