Is relocation a gift from God? IRefuse to let skids live in (SD in particular, and 19yo SS--out of the question)
}:) I wouldn't dare blaspheme, but just for a moment, can I talk about how happy I am that DH and I are moving 3-4 hours away from skids in about 4 months, which is 2 months after my newborn arrives?!!! DH and skids are very content with their EOW (every other weekend) arrangement, which is why I didn't hesitate to marry a man with kids. That arrangement I can live with. He's an avid golfer, he likes to watch tv, he's a bit self absorbed, though loving, but skids and he do nothing much extra beyond scheduled visitation. They don't ask for more time. Neither does he. So, what's the big deal, right? The big deal is that lately he has wanted to discuss "taking SD14." My first response was "take her where" (the zoo, amusement park, across town?) I had to bluntly tell him that just as I have no interest in being a full-time mother to my occasionally troublesome nephew/godson (15 y.o.) because he has already been socialized too differently, that I do not want to be a full-time mother to SD. I figured that stating this bluntly would be the best policy. She is in no harm at home. At nearly 14 y.o. and entering the 9th grade, it's no big deal that she comes home to an empty house (we all did). If she doesn't do her homework on her own, it's not my burden to take her in to "force" her to do her homework. If she's super chatty because the Disney channel has been her socialization, then the adults in her world need to groom and socialize her. The remedy is not to bring her into our home to "re-raise." AND, why should I not have the chance to raise my newborn without the stress of frivolously bringing SD in our home to stress me out as a new mother? He seemed upset when I refused, but he didn't bring it up anymore. It was a guilty pipe dream I'm sure.
I firmly believe that short of a crisis with the BM, if we agreed to specific terms when married, that he should not try to force these terms to shift. If he were single, he would not seek to have her live with us. Just because he has a wife who really makes his life better (financially. house organization, activities with kids) does not mean that I get to be such a pawn or get to be "rewarded" with full time care. It would be a deal breaker, and even though the talk has disappeared, it's just one more thing to strategize about deflecting long term if it comes up again.
Mind you, that I am a better advocate for him doing more activities with his kids (vacations, events), but that golf is his main extracurricular priority, rather than family activities. But living with us is out of the question. I also don't believe that his kids should spend an entire summer with us. They can have 2-4 weeks, but I get to have a part of my own summer break too (working from home at that).
I am happy to move farther away so that I don't have to personally see his nearly grown son (no job, no college, just lazy) and I am certain that our distance shouldn't affect his visitation or relationship with SD.
Since last night, though, I am upset that he and SS19 keep trying to force their way into letting SS stay in my home office for the weekend. I hate having him in my private space. I have been up all night because it pisses me off. I'm 8.5 months pregnant, and last week when SS was here, the little thief stole my earplugs from my MP3. I discovered them on his ipod yesterday, after searching my office, purses, luggage all week long. So, not only is he in my private space, he's now trolling through my personal stuff. So, I can't wait to move, and I will never again clean off the sofa in my office to make space for one of his kids or his nephew to sleep. I am extra frustrated right now because DH's oldest son (20 y.o.) (out of state, from his youth) has been with us for 2 weeks (ending Monday at 5pm thank goodness). He last visited 2 years ago and is not a burden. But I'm 8.5 months pregnant, trying to nest, battling insomnia, and I am fighting to keep my sanity. One day left. DH has had 3 Skids and a nephew here for the past two weekends. He's in his fatherly glory, and such weekends are rare, but the local lazy SS creeping into my office is the icing on the cake that puts me over the edge.
Long rant. Too many topics for you to keep up with, but thanks anyway.
Oh, and it doesn't help that
Oh, and it doesn't help that I am over a week late on a deadline to revise a book chapter. Between pregnancy and the SS20 as a 2-week houseguest, I can't focus. I just want DH to say "thank you" and to acknowledge that having 4 houseguests (3 skids and nephew) 2 weekends in a row, plus, having SS20 here for a full 2 weeks has been quite an different ordeal for me that has affected my ability to do my job (last book chapter/work task before I give birth in 6 weeks). Not once has anyone washed a dish, emptied the dishwasher, laundered a sheet or towel . . . I've tried to be good, and I don't even wash dishes everyday. I don't care.
I don't mean to laugh, but
I don't mean to laugh, but its all I can do. This is exactly what I am terrified of in years to come with my fiance and his daughter. It makes me hesitate to want to even marry him.
Thanks ladies so much for
You got the cue that I was on edge (by my last paragraph), but it's afternoon now and I'm better. I pray to do the right thing by my husband's family, but I refuse to let them run my life. So, DH ran a long errand this morning. I kicked SS out of my home office at 11:45am (time to get up). When DH left, I sat him down and had a long talk. That's the result of prayer, and I feel good about it. I went through several phases of chat/lecture.
1. God bless the child who's got his own.
2. Are you a boy or a man because when you're laying up at on weekends here at 19yo, I can't tell.
3. Do you know what noun your parents use to describe you right now? --"bum"
4. What you owe your parents as a "grown" person:
a. peace knowing that you're going to be okay and productive (esp. since we're relocating)
b. to be a type of help meet if you're going to live in their house (buy your own underwear
and an occasional loaf of bread since you eat it all anyway; Get a job or go to school).
5. You must have a plan for your life so that we can move in peace knowing you'll be okay.
6. Then I made him agree to ask his father for 2 things that he needs help with tomorrow (on
Dad's day off):
a. Get Dad to take him to get an official State i.d. card (he never pursued driving so has no
license yet).
b. Since he said he's interested in the army (not college, not working an entry level job
with eventual mobility possibilities), he has agreed to ask his Dad to take him to the
recruiter's office to begin to get information TOMORROW!!!!
7. A review of the fact that his BM is ready to put him out, and a review of the fact that if
that happened, that he shouldn't expect to come live with his stepmother and Dad.
8. I told him how much his father beams and how much I have to hear about it when SS makes any
mature gesture for which his father is so proud (SS blushed at this because I do a
perfect mimic of my husband's goofy happy face).
9. I let him know that we love him and want the absolute best of life possibilities for him, and
if that entails confessions of how hurt he is over his childhood (apparently not, thank
goodness), or if it entails us holding him by the hand to take him to find jobs, visit
community colleges, or visiting the army recruiter, that we want to provide those services
ASAP because we will be out of state soon.
10. Finally, I told him that when his Dad sees his newborn baby brother, that his Dad will also
be thinking about him as a baby. And that he owes DH a sense of peace so that Dad doesn't
have to worry about a helpless newborn as well as a helpless grown son wasting away his
life.
The conversation went so well. I am so grateful that I have the pull to sit him down and force him to talk to me. He's not an unruly young man, but he is comfortable being a slacker. Maybe I can be a type of mentor, but I thank God for the words and analogies and the bluntness to be honest, frank, and easy in this type of nearly hour long conversation.
Way to go:) That was perfect!
Way to go:) That was perfect!