I can understand your feelings here, but I don't think your boyfriend is doing anything wrong. If she stated a particular time, and he agreed, where's the problem? Its good that the ex is including her son's father in picking his school uniform. I can sympathise how you feel though you probably feel jealous that your boyfriend is wanting to go shopping with his ex and their son like a proper family while you're sat at home. Why don't you offer to join them too?

This is my opinion ONLY.. i would be upset if my bf went with the mother and child for anything. theres no reason for it.. and going with them would be a good question to ask to see what the response would be, id be curious to hear the answer.
Whats next.. a movie..dinner as a family..sleep overs? Because they used to do that too.
You are about to move in together?? i would really ask yourself if this is really the life you want because if you think its going to end at ONE school shopping trip between 8 and 12..you are soo wrong. This woman will be in your life til you drop dead or she does first. im sorry im blunt,yet no im not, because 10000 pretty words arent going to change anything... its just the truth without the nice nice crap. Just look at all the shit that all of us are dealing with on this site.. sounds like FUN huh.. heres what you will have.. ups and downs.. one minute youll think life is great and you are in love.. then youll be wondering what the hell and why am i sharing with another woman ..because THATS the truth when kids are invloved. whether shes physically in your face or not , shes ALWAYS there..and her thumb is always up your mans ass..which means its up yours too.

Everyone needs to understand that there has to be boundaries starting now! It is not appropriate ! It is certainly not necessary. He can either send the money and let her shop, Or see the son alone, just the two of them for their special time together. But don't say it that way. Instead....

Remind your bf that going shopping with his ex and son will send mix messasges to the son.
Kids always want their parents together. This will give him false hope and is unhealthy and you're afraid it will hurt him more in the end, especially after you move in next week. It will make the adjustment harder for his son. He needs to know that eventhough the situation has changed he will never lose his love and affection from his father ...so maybe that special time alone, just the guys is great!

I'm just going to say this. I think a huge problem that alot of us in blended situations is our hubby's/bf's inability or lack of desire to put their foot down with the ex "because of the kids". My husband finally did, but it took months of the ex being incredibly nasty, using the kids, and her having him arrested to get there.
It sounds as though your BF has no problem laying down rules w/ family members, etc, but doesn't do it with the ex.
You have to figure out if this is a situation you even want to try to change. It's going to be alot of stress and heartache for you and even then you're not guaranteed to get the results you want. It's hard not to feel second fiddle when there are kids from a previous marriage involved, but it will be even harder for you if he continues to treat his ex as though she lives by a separate set of rules as far as he's concerned.

All I can say after reading the above is that if you dont speak your mind NOW, letting your b/f know how you feel about things, its going to get VERY bad VERY fast - for you. It seems to me that this woman walks all over him. He obviously dislikes smoking in his truck - why did he let her smoke? And as for the shopping trip together... give me a break! You and your b/f should be the ones taking him to get his school clothes, you are going to be a part of his life now and you need to become involved. If my husband had come to me and told me that he was going shopping with his ex I would have packed my bags then and there. Good luck

Men are simple beings (bless them). They are creatures of habit. Routine works, routine is safe. As women, we tend to lead them by the nose, (admit it!) it seems to me that some ex's still have their nose ring firmly in place. You need to break your ex's 'routine'. It seems to me as if this ex, as many do, still seem to think that they are married without actually living with their ex and that we are just temporary decoration who will be gone soon but THEY will be around forever because they had HIS baby.

When I first met my husband, ex would call at least 3 times a day, asking this and that as she could hardly even make a shopping list on her own haha (not an excuse to call, she really is that stupid!) At first I let it go because I felt it best to sit back and watch the various scenarios played out, see who is who etc... when I had had enough I expressed my feelings and it all came to a screeching stop. One day though, we were driving, we had just picked up SD, BM called while she knew I was sitting there and manipulated the conversation in such a way that my husband actually called her BABE! (Looking back I can laugh thank god) Well, as SD was in the car I just gave him a look that could freeze the dead sea! He didnt mean it poor guy, but she knew what tone to take and words to speak to get him to say that.... They can be very clever, after all, lets face it, they have had more experience than we have right? Give us time ;0)

Dear Tulum - Ive just read how old you are...I figured as much. You are sooo young! As I said before, you really need to lay down the ground rules NOW. If you dont, a habit will develop and it will get out of control and you will be the victim which, will also end up effecting your child.
How old is ex, I'm assuming she has at least 5 years on you?
What else has she done besides this 'shopping trip'?
Why did their relationship end?
Has she remarried?
How long have you been with this guy and how old is he?

I wouldn't want my husband to go w/ex to go shopping either. Your feelings are totally understandable. We don't do any shopping for stepson only if it's like an emergency. We pay the mom child support so she is totally responsible for what the child needs. Why don't you go with them too so ex doesn't take advantage and starts buying stuff for her too. I would also find out what the $$ limit.

My husband would never go shopping with the ex. He barely wants to talk to her. Only when he has too.
Not to mention, if he did want to go shopping with her I wouldn't like it one bit and would put my foot down.
Oh well. I know that's not going to happen because we buy our own school clothes for stepson. We also buy ALL of his school supplies. Biomom never buys even ONE pencil!!

Dawn

Good to hear that he has reckognized that there is a problem and is willing to seek help... If you can, TRY to ignore her as much as you can, I appreciate that it will be hard but just 'tune her out'. I think that your bf will eventually tire of it if you take on this new attitude. Pretend like it doesnt get to you and keep busy yourself. Tell your bf that you want NOTHING to do with the whole situation anymore - that he can deal with her but you will put your foot down as regard to any 'meetings' with her, that if there are any shopping trips etc, that you want to be informed and that YOU will go with him as his son is soon to be a part of YOUR family and you need to do these things together. If she is obsessed, I dotn think that that is going to go away, its only going to get more intense. Your bf needs to understand that by giving into her every whim (meetings, calls etc) he is leading her on, does he know this? He needs to keep all calls to a minimum and ONLY discuss the son and nothing personal. He needs to see her for the lowlife, self centered prostitute that she is and get on with his new life!

Id be very upset if my DH went shopping with his ex. Again like someone said earlier, my DH wouldnt want to. He cant stand to be around her, much less talk to her. But yeah, Id be pretty mad, if they went shopping together. I can remember back to when we were first married, and the ex called and asked my DH if "they could still keep the auto insurance in both of their names" My first thought was " is she serious?" I knew from that moment on that she was a total nut case!! Like ummmm, heck no, hes my DH now and your flippin name isnt going to be on our ins. His ex has just done so many messed up things to us. I hate her, and I think she is just, wasteing air space. If you dont put a stop all of this now, it WILL only get worse, i promise you. If he does things to hurt you, that he knows you dont approve of, then you will only grow to resent him later. Good luck to you sweetie, and I hope that therapy helps

I’m so glad I found this thread, I’m feeling like I’m not so crazy anymore. My boyfriend’s daughter is about to go to kindergarten and he went school supplies shopping with his ex yesterday.

That’s upsetting enough, but what is also super upsetting is that he didn’t tell me he was going with her. He said he would pick up his daughter and go school shopping, but after he came back home with his daughter, she mentioned that “mommy came with us”.

I don’t know if he would have even said anything if the kid hadn’t said something. I didn’t say anything because he seemed happy about the school shopping and being able to get her things she liked, so I didn’t want to be selfish and say anything, but it’s bugging me so badly and I don’t know now how to bring it up properly or if I even should.

I just don’t get why he wouldn’t tell me and he says he can’t stand his ex but now he’s meeting up to go shopping with her... am I over reacting??

Also he says how he wants to be a family with me but what message is that sending, taking the kid shopping with him and his ex?...I’m just so upset and I’m afraid to sound selfish by bringing it up, and I feel so hurt and disrespected at the same time.

to be honest, If I thought my BF's Ex was a normal person and they had a civil divorce and relationship.. and I didn't have cause to think that there was any ulterior motive.. I would probably not be overly worried about it.  BUT given the other things you said about her and her comments and vitriol.. Um.. nopester.. my BF would NOT be going shopping with his EX.  I would tell him that there are a couple of choices..they can go separately and buy 1/2 the stuff each..or he can give her X amount of money or vice versa.  THAT's it.

The smoking in the vehicle.. I would be livid.

I would probably burn my house down if that happened. But I tend to lean towards theatrics. 

Your husband should have better boundaires with his ex. She shouldnt be in his vehicle, period. Next time go shopping with them.

My opinion, I would be pissed. I would ask him if he would like it if I did the same, but that's because I have a SC with someone else too.  Sometimes if you turn it around they see what you are talking about.  On the other hand yes it's not like they're going at night so to speak so it's not like a big deal, BUT if you go every year, but now you're not together and you're with someone else seroius enough to be moving in with them soon, when does that end? There are some couples who are friendly with exes and hang out, but if one was uncomfortable about it like you than that's a different story. I would just be reconsidering the moving in thing at least for the time being and just say hey I thought this was moving in a certain direction and I don't want to be that "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" type of scenario. Not trying to take away from your relationship just saying maybe he needs to think things through a little bit and realize those are the type of things that shouldn't be happening if you're moving on with someone else IF they're not ok with it.

I couldn't get exH to go school shopping hen we were together. That is weird. It would be a dealbreaker for me. You also better find out what else they "do together" before your conscripted to birthdays and holidays with the ex. It doesn't sound to me like he's ready for boundaries or a new relationship. Moving in will not make things better & in my opinion all couples should start out in a new home. It will never feel like your home.  

So did you talk to him?! What has been the outcome? 

I think it is fully inappropriate that they went together.... what was the point of that exactly? If the kid has a nightmare does daddy come sleep in the bed with them too?  He I’m sure knows it is wrong as well, and it bothers me that he chose to do this. I would kick DH to the curb o we this one. 

I can see both attending first day or parent teacher interview but this makes no sense. And what was going on Mom was sitting in his car smoking while they shopped? What was the point of her coming?

This post is from 2006. Unlikely that kid still needs his uniform, he likely is all grown up