BM always has to one-up
We were so excited to announce to my SD that we are moving to a much larger, much nicer house and all she could talk about was the new puppy they just got...
We get SD only every other weekend, which comes out to a handfull of days each month and EVERY weekend we have her Mom announces something fun right before we pick her up. They're getting a new puppy, getting new kittens, going horseback riding, having a party, whatever. It's always something every time, that is happening while she is gone or as soon as she gets back "home". This inevitably makes my SD just dream the whole time she's with us about going back to her Mom's and leaving us.
We do fun things, and have a good time when she's with us but it's always overshadowed by what is going on at Mom's. For real... can mom just WAIT until she gets back "home" to tell her whatever surprise it is! I'm glad they do cool stuff and she's got a good life but come on? Anyone else have this issue? How do I handle it? It is driving me insane! I feel like I'm spending more and more time trying to appeal to SD and compete and it's always fruitless. Ugh.
This is 100% a PAS tactic. It
This is 100% a PAS tactic. It makes SD miss BM's house and wish she were there instead of with you. That is why BM doesn't wait to tell SD. You won't be able to keep up with BM, nor should you. By trying to be the "most fun" or the "favorite," BM is failing SD and likely raising an entitled brat.
We've been through this. We tell SS9 we booked a fun family weekend trip for us during a next visit, SS tells us that BM is taking SS to Europe for 3 weeks. We move into a nicer apartment with more space, BM buys a house. We get SS a new bike, BM buys SS a nicer bike, a trampoline and an Xbox. You'll never win.
Don't let the PAS game ruin your life or your time with SD. Ignore the comments she makes about all the fun things or major things BM is doing and don't acknowledge it. The less attention you draw to it, the less likely SD is to bring it up. Also, don't go out of your way to try to compete with BM, you'll end up bankrupt. Just live your everyday life.
"SO SD, why do you think it
"SO SD, why do you think it is that your mother always plants fun events in your head right before you visit with your dad? I think it is because she is trying to make you sad when you visit your dad and so you will think about her. In my opinion that is pretty evil of her."
Lather.............. rinse................. repeat.
Then keep providing SD with quality family time, quality parenting, and the family events that you would normally enjoy. Don't let BM's shit go unconfronted.
My DH wont say anything to
My DH wont say anything to his ex, about anything...ever... and if I say anything then he calls me a "sh**-starter." He told me initially he wants me to be involved as I am also a parent to SD but it was very quickly clear that he didnt actually mean it. All parties are pretty civil (although BM has pulled some pretty crappy stunts in the past) but communication is at a pretty minimum. We don't know much about what goes on in her day-to-day life. So confronting BM is not likely to happen. I admit I do compete, in my head at least, but I also know that even if we have the same things at our house that BM does at hers, SD still sees Mom's as being better. Everything Mom does, says, has is better than ours in her eyes and I dont think that will ever change so I try to really keep myself I'm check. I'm just so frustrated! The constant rejection is like a punch in the gut. I can handle it most days but sometimes it overflows.
The things really don't
The things really don't matter. The behaviors do. So... focusing SD on the question of why it is that BM puts so much effort into polluting SD's time with her father puts it all back on BM and vectors SD's thoughts on the source of the problem where her focus belongs.
Good luck.
Good! Let BM try to one up
Good! Let BM try to one up till it hurts. Animals are no joke especially puppies. Just ignore it and if you have any surprises for SD don't say anything until she's there so BM can't plan ahead.
As CastleJJ said, this is a
As CastleJJ said, this is a PAS tactic. Try and ignore it and certainly never try to compete with it. SD comes to your household in order to have an ongoing relationship with her other parent, not to be bribed with gifts and experiences in order to love said parent. My SDs' BM was always doing this, ie taking them on foreign holidays (at my DH's expense) buying them pets and possessions - it just shows how insecure she is that she had to do this to get them to love her.
Yes
Hubby had just been to mediation in December and bm signed to say she wouldn't message ss with all this pas/one up rubbish.
This weekend she'd asked to swap day's as they would collect his new bike after collecting him...all of a sudden he is asking if he can leave an hour early to be able to play with his bike in the light. A child like him wouldn't realise that so he'd been prompted. Hubby said no you're with bm tm, and from now on dh will look after your phone on our weekend day...
Can you take the phone or means of contact away if bm won't desist?
My husbands exwife and eldest sd always did this
For example, my inlaws would comment on my daughters copper blonde hair mixed with the brown, eldest sd who was 24 would claim sd13 also had copper blonde hair when young but it turned black so will our daughter’s(right, 100% asian kids born with blonde hair??), then my kids both have curly hair and eldest sd claimed sd13 did too but it straightened out so same will happen.
My kids are fair skinned, skids all 3 are brown skinned, eldest sd claimed they’re all white like us despite have skin colour 15-20 shades darker but plastered with white powder. Youngest sd is wearing slippers with heels that are like15cm high, claims tall like me when i am wearing flats and naturally tall
Crazy exwife is from a poor village and uneducated family, we have 2 kids well she has 3, somebody’s kid just graduated uni well she had 2 with honours. My husband married me well she married years ago.
After divorce hubby was so traumatised and never wanted to remarry because 4 women were cheating gold digging whores including the exwife. Exwife remarried when divorce was finalized, turns out had been cheating all along the last few yrs of marriage. She bragged she was so in demand and could get any man just like that. Nah she made the man divorce his wife for her.
5.5 yrs later hubby remarries to me (the younger, educated, foreign and caucasian upgrade), exwife was fuming and claimed i was a half naked christian whore despite being a cheater
This one up mentality spews massive lack of confidence
I think you really need to
I think you really need to examine your own racial insensitivity issues. Yuck!
I agree this is 100% an
I agree this is 100% an intentional PAS tactic, as our BM used to do that as well. On Sunday nearly every weekend SSs were visiting, and following every vacation we took them on, there would be some party or fun thing planned at BM's so SSs were chomping at the bit to get home. BM had DH's CS money to outspend us with and will do anything to be the favored parent. Now she does it with SGDs. We've reached a point where no matter how awesome whatever we're doing is, whatever BM is doing is better. We realized it's a game we can't win, so we don't compete. We just do our thing and move on. Try to ignore it and just enjoy your time with the SD best you can.
I thought of it as child
I thought of it as child support money being spent on them. "Oh that's nice, mom spending child support from your father to do that with/for you ". Repeat out loud often and where they can hear you say it.