Shy excuse
How old is too old for the excuse of 'they're just shy', when it comes to not doing things like asking for something from a waitress, or the person at the counter at McDonald's, or an adult family friend (like needing ketchup or something when at their house, stuff like that? We were at the home of some friends of ours, and we were all in the kitchen eating, and one of the skids needed ketchup or something, so she whispered it to me. I said, 'I don't know, you need to ask Friend, she will get you some'. These kids know Friend fairly well, and she is a very warm, welcoming person. Skid wouldn't do it, she just sat there looking awkward. So, of course, daaaadddy asked for her. The excuse? She's just shy. These kids won't place an order with a waitress, even for a damn glass of water, nothing. They just sit there looking stupid. I think it is to the point that they just come across as weird, or potentially rude. They are 9 and 10.
Thoughts?
Sounds weird to me. MY BD11
Sounds weird to me. MY BD11 knew how to ask for stuff super early and even used the terms "please and thank you" apparently that is foreign to my SD8. It's ok to be shy, that is just how some people are, but if you can't ask a family friend for some ketchup then you are more than just shy...
Oh the "she's just shy"
Oh the "she's just shy" routine.
Guess what, we need to work through being "shy". This is how the world works. I make my kids introduce themselves to people, shake their hands and ask how they are. I make them order for themselves. I make them ask an adult for more of something or permission to do something. That's how they learn. I'll give them feedback (make sure next time you ask you look in their eyes) and if they don't know what to say, I'll give them an example.
When SS started hanging with my family he was about 11 and "shy". My children were 10, 8 and 7 at the time and they were all able to order and ask for what they needed when in restaraunts. It took time, but I can proudly say that SS14 is now ALMOST able to order on his own, lol. He wasn't able to sign himself up for the summer reading program when he went to the library with my kids (who all signed up) the other day (it was just too confusing for him). DH had to drag him back down there to do it.
"The Brady Bunch tricked us
"The Brady Bunch tricked us all" - like!!
"I make my kids introduce
"I make my kids introduce themselves to people, shake their hands and ask how they are"
In my wildest dreams I can't imagine the skids doing that.... To anyone. Ever.
I think it is all about how
I think it is all about how kids are raised - so if the parent doesn't think it's important or a valuable skill to have, then they don't teach it. Or perhaps the parent thinks, "my poor baby is too shy to do that" then it sends the kid the message that they don't have to.
The longer I'm doing this blended family thing, the more I get it. SS was raised for 11 years without any input from me and my WONDERFUL MOTHERING SKILLS (JK), but seriously. I had zero input on what he was taught the first 11 years of his life. Now all of a sudden, he lives in my home and I have to teach / reteach him values, manners and do some de-programming from the last 7 years where him and DH lived a good ol' bachelor life where SS played video games all day/night, got to watch South Park and Tosh.0, and got to hear the inapporpriate jokes DH would tell him while he was letting SS hang with him and his buddies.
And now that DH and I have our baby girl who is just about to turn 1 :jawdrop: (still can't beleive that!!!), I have to make sure that DH is being an "appropriate" father all the time - both with his jokes he'll tell the kids and the way he parents our daughter.
My SD10 is shy. She just is.
My SD10 is shy. She just is. DH used to let her get away with this BS and he finally followed my lead (my BD6 has been ordering for herself longer than I can remember) and started making her speak for herself. He used to speak for her on SO many things. It was annoying.
Recently, she was claiming "shy" about talking to ME, as I had brought it up to my hubs that she NEVER talks to me without me talking to her first, NEVER asks for my help with anything (she will literally stand there, in the same room with me, and wait for her dad--I don't play the "is there something you need?" Game), and most times I try to start dialogue with her, she gives one word answers or blank stare...this started a little over two years ago after the false abuse allegations (she lied to her mom, who then called the police),and for the longest time, DH tried to put it on me. I've lived under the same roof as her for FOUR years and DH basically told her that "shy" is no longer a valid excuse, and he, SD and I had a mini family meeting about this at dinner the other night. Sad part is, she and I used to be really close--at least I thought so...
/threadjack
This also reminds me of my
This also reminds me of my SS14. He is the king of the mumble. I'll just look at him and instead of asking, "what?" i just tell him that no one will ever be able to give him what he needs if he doesn't speak clearly.
Sometimes he'll smile and try again. Sometimes its a mumble and I just give him a wide-eyed smile and shake my head with an "i don't know" response. Sometimes he gets mad and walks away grumbling.
OMG and THAT too...SPEAK THE
OMG and THAT too...SPEAK THE FUCK UP! And make some eye contact! (still working with BD6 on the eye contact thing..)
Shy is how you feel. Manners
Shy is how you feel. Manners is how you act.
Some people are shy out of insecurity. So build confidence by learning and displaying good manners. Others respond positively to good manners, so it's self-reinforcing.
Some seem shy but are actually just quiet people. Again, good manners. They know what to say at what times so that they get what they want.
Some are shy out of some kind of phobia/mental disorder. Good manners can't hurt.
if a kid is truly "shy", then
if a kid is truly "shy", then as a parent i would go with the child up to Friend and say "excuse me, friend, susie has something to ask you" then basically make susie ask, even if she speaks so quietly its barely a whisper. usually the other adult in the situation will "get it" and intuitively be very welcoming and friendly.
I think this just reinforces
I think this just reinforces the "shy" behavior and teaches nothing, especially in the situation the OP presents, where the skids have been around the friend before.
I like how then OP tried to handle it before dadddddeeeeeyyyy stepped it...you don't speak up, you go without!
its a step. still makes the
its a step. still makes the kid actually ask for whatever it is they want and forces them to interact with the person.
If parents never bother to
If parents never bother to have any expectations for their children and abdicate on teaching them social skills, manners, etc. then they will whip out the "he/she is just shy" alibi.
Pure rubbish!
The way I see it, there are 2
The way I see it, there are 2 potential things going on here. One is a simple lack of manners. It's entirely possible that they just don't have any, and in that case you need to teach them. A lot of the suggestions you've gotten so far would be useful.
On the other hand, I do know a girl (18 now) who was "shy" and your story is reminding me of her. She was incapable of talking to any adult other than her parents, and if she had to communicate, she would whisper to someone she could talk to (her parents or another kid her age) and have them relay the message. I do not use "incapable" lightly. Apparently she felt like her throat would close up, and she literally could not speak. Her parents (thank GOD) finally got her into therapy when she was a teenager and the "just shy" excuse started to wear thin. The problem with her was, there was nothing "just" about her shyness - it was debilitating.
If you truly feel like your skids day to day life is impacted by shyness, then it's time to go for professional help. If you feel this is just a lack of manners, or if being shy isn't affecting their day to day life, then work on it with them yourself (and with their dad).
Chef B used to say that about
Chef B used to say that about his daughter. "She's shyyyyy" when SD would use no manners, not greet me when I entered the house from work, act anti social as hell, etc. etc.
I call BS. You should see her on FB! Not a SHY bone in her body. Downright narcissistic; thousands of selfies and twerking vids, changing her profile photo every 10 minutes, etc. etc. Being as bold as brass which, in my day, was simply not allowed from children under 18.
When I was a child I always
When I was a child I always found it hard to ask for things. At the table at friends houses I could ask for sauce or salt or pepper, that was ok. But if I was thirsty during the day I was always afraid to ask for a drink, glass of water etc. I'd have to hint to my friend we should get a drink. Asking her mum scared me. Anyone's mum. I hated being inside, I always felt better outside people's houses.
I think it was because I was was raised with my grandparents who had this seen and not heard rule. You didn't ask for things. You were called for morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea and tea (dinner). It was extremely rude to ask for a drink. I could ask my mum but not them.
To be honest, even as an adult I struggle. Luckily people always offer a cup of tea etc when visiting. I'd never ask.
However I always said hello, goodbye and the "thank you for having me" unprompted
It can really depend on the
It can really depend on the kid. I had Skids, who when I left were SS 18, SD 12, SD 10, SS 7, then also BS 5. SD 12, SD11 and SS 7 have the same parents. Otherwise, all share a dad. SS18 could never talk to anyone. SD12 could and would talk to everyone. SD10 would talk only if forced. SS7 would talk depending on his mood. BS5 talks to anyone and everyone. You need to figure out how much is personality and then work from there. SD11 and SS7 (now 13 and 9) are talkative with friends, but shy if they do not know someone. SD13 and BS5 (now 15 and 7) you cannot get to shut up! BS7 is now my only concern, and he will ask/talk/question everyone! That is his nature. I am actually constantly fighting with him on the "you cannot just talk to/hug anyone you come across". But, work with it, do not give excuses.