sigh :(
Ever feel like "stepmother" is just an over-rated title? Your feelings are never accounted for. Who really cares, right? But then, when things start going wrong or the mommy and daddy are just too busy with their lives, who then has to jump in and pick up the slack? Really, a stepmother is just a glorified babysitter. We just don't get paid for our services. We are there to do the grunt work but will never share in the credit or the glory.
We do the back to school shopping and the Christmas shopping and the birthday parties and everything else Daddy or Mommy doesn't want to do. But, we'll never shop for Prom dresses or wedding dresses.
Ever feel like it's just not worth it?? Why bother? Who really cares? We're always going to be the wrong one even when we're right.
We're always the ones tolerating and ignoring. Why? Where is it written that we are obliged to ignore or tolerate? I don't remember that one in my vows.
This is a nightmare I wish on no one. Wait, I take that back, on no one but Her. 
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Oh my goodness YES!!! SOOO
Oh my goodness YES!!! SOOO OVERRATED! I'm trying to come up with ideas to change up our current schedule with SS, but DH won't commit to any particular day of the week- his reasoning: "If I do end up with the day off, I want to have a DAY OFF"
ABSOLUTELY no regards to the fact that on the weekends we keep SS, I end up spending my only 1 day off picking up and caring for SS ALL DAY LONG because DH works that day every single week!! So I'm not allowed a day off but you refuse to give up yours??? UP YOURS!
Grrr. Some of us step-parents take care of so much concerning our skids without so much as a thank you from DH *OR* BM. Makes me wonder what would happen if I were to suddenly decide not to be responsible for SS anymore....
I think a lot would crumble, very quickly.
It is just expected that our
It is just expected that our schedules aren't as important as Dad's or BM's. It was to the point where BM wouldn't even bother calling, she'd just bring her over whenever she wanted to. At first, BM would call my husband and ask if she could drop her off. He'd say of course and then he'd leave. If I said anything about it, then he'd come back and pick her up and make it seem like I was making such a big deal about caring for her. But as far as I was concerned, that was not the point. If you know you're leaving then ASK me before you make any commitments. I'd probably change my schedule anyway but don't just expect that I will.
Does that make any sense? Am I being hateful? He thinks I make a big deal out of everything because I hate the BM. But, what he doesn't understand is that his mis-management of the situation caused me to hate her. He may be ok with ignoring her but I didn't lay down with her. I don't have to tolerate her nasty attitude and her bi-polar attitude. She is not my cross to bear.
I have prayed about it, cried about it, stressed about it. I just hate it. I am at my wits end. I have tolerated so much that I can't tolerate anything anymore. I feel like feelings just get swept up under the rug. I'm being unreasonable.
But, I ask this. To all of you out there reading this. Stop everything you're doing and really contemplate this question. If the situation was reversed, do you think your husband, SO, boyfriend would tolerate and accept the situation as you're expected to?
My vote is Never.
Never.
Never.
no, but I tell him this
no, but I tell him this sometimes—when things get bad—and he knows he wouldn't be able to deal with it.
MAKE IT THE DAY HE HAS OFF...
MAKE IT THE DAY HE HAS OFF... REFUSE REFUSE REFUSE... Schedule something fun for yourself and say 'sorry can't have SS over this weekend i have things to do'.. then he can look after him by himself without a day off.
Honestly... disassociation - disassociation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not your kids... they need to step off the plate. I feel so much more empowered listening to other posts from women with a little experience having SK's... its been helpful and most of their opinions are logical! - I guess the true saying
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU GOT UNTILL SHE GOES OUT FOR A WEEKEND WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS - WITHOUT YOU
Sorry... im not angry just venting... honestly makes me sick i have been putting up with taking most of the responsibility for my SK's and ive realised it hasnt done my relationship any favours, the SK's any favours (as im too tired and ehausted to do the FUN things that their BD does with them) ... and most importantly it hasnt done myself favors (not staying sexy everyday) which makes me feel good.
I also started to resent quite a bit...
So change it before it becomes worse... for yourself...
Sorry the correct term for
Sorry the correct term for Disassociate is DISENGAGING (haha i think it may have been fraudian slip
for me to say disassociate)
Went out shopping and to
Went out shopping and to brunch with a girlfriend Sun morning for the first time in a year and it was WONDERFUL (needless to say he was not thrilled)
Thank you... very good advice
Thank you... very good advice and I am definitely contemplating how to change my own behavior in this situation. I'm growing resentful as well. I love my SS very much, but there needs to be a change here.
Dont blame yourself for
Dont blame yourself for feeling this way. You are a beautiful person who has taken it upon herself to provide some kind of love for your SS when no1 else has. This is such a beautiful thing. However, it has come at the cost of yourself... and others around you have taken advantage of that... which is on their shoulders.
Disengaging i have found is a non-confrontational way of relaying responsibility without being in the 'YOU HATE MY KIDS CAUSE THEIR NOT YOUR BIO KIDS' conversation, having your opinions misinterpreted and misunderstood and in the end looking like the EVIL SM!!!!
Sometimes people dont realise they are taking advantage of you... its just that they see it as their time to relax... finally found someone to support them... and yeh... just keeps on going because you love pampering anyway, and you probably have cleanliness OCD ... so your value means you take most of it on. But it wont feel like pampering any longer... it obviously feels like a chore already.
So in all im not sayng your husband is evil, im saying he might not be aware of it. And once you pull away and are able to do the fun things with your SS because you already love this child very much... you will find that your relationship with him is so much more fulfilled...
AND HOPEFULLY your partner will start to appreciate you and have balance around both of your schedules.. so you can EACH have a day off... compromise compromise!!!!
Love to you and keep us posted!
Yes. I have started the
Yes. I have started the disengaging thing and its baffling to DH. I reminded him yesterday to please ask his daughter to go to him for any requests as I don't want to say no, go to your fatehr but I will. He wanted an example of what I meant, I said ANYTHING even getting a bag of Cheetos. That upset him so I back off just a bit as the example a bit trivial. I said you will not let me help you parent the children therefore I choose not to be involved at all. Its all or nothing, we are in this together or its all on you buddy. He said nothing but was all smiles when he got home. So i am liking the disengaging for far. I agree we are not babysiters, we are wives and deserve such respect. DH's previous life choices are for his to correct/ deal with not SM. SD and I get along just fine. She is rotten but alwaqys respectful of me, completely differnt than how she treats her parents.
During the summer, dh
During the summer, dh couldn't understand WHY I didn't want sd's here for weeks on end. He works, bm doesn't. So I'm supposed to be free daycare because he wants to spend a couple hours a day playing daddy? UMmM NO thank you! I've got kids too, and I wanted to take them places during the summer. With two extra that's not possible.
So, I put my foot down. We stuck to our eow sched.
Sotired: you are so correct:
Sotired: you are so correct: "glorified babysitters". I feel that way all the time. I feel like everything I do for SD11 should be counted as "things I do for DH". Which is shitty because, it will never be 50/50. I don't have children.
DOESN'T HE SEE THAT!!! DOESN'T HE SEE THAT I GIVE MORE BY "HELPING" HIM WITH HIS CHILD!! Oh, wait, he doesn't see that because he lives in a fantasy world where he considers us a "family" and that I should just "want to do things out of love for my family"....my thinking is...."when you start doing the shit I do for your kid, for MY KID"...then we'll be even....but wait...I'll never have children.
Ripley: very good advice.
I agree......SD15 lives with
I agree......SD15 lives with us FT and I always get the "bad"....never the Good!! SD drops up like nothing when she hears BM'S voice. It is actually sad.....I see BD/DH doing so much and trying so hard to be her friends and reach out to her...all the while if BM would take her back SD wouldn't look back. It's sad. I have given up....I am an active/social mom to my Bio's but when SD enters.......I exit
I have my bios eow and dh
I have my bios eow and dh actually said he thought ss could live here to cuz the other kids did.
Umm, here's the difference dh I AM TAKING CARE OF MY KIDS! YOU RELY ON OTHERS TO TAKE CARE OF YOURS!
He doesnt "help" me take care of mine, "they got a dad" dh likes to say....well guess what?! Your kid has a mom.
Glorified babysitter is it exactly. These men, after divorces/separation are forced into taking a dual parent role (both mom n dad) and instead of steppin up, they step back. Then they turn around and EXPECT the new women their with to step up and do what they stepped back on.
It doesnt work that way!