Silly but still hurtful
I am married with one bio son and one SD (10). I have been in SD's life for 8 years now, and SD and I are pretty close, we get along really well, she clings to me when she's home, she confides in me, we have common interests and spend lots of quality time together. Well, I am graduating in a few months which is a big deal for me. It hasn't been an easy path and I've been working sooooo hard to finally earn my degree. I am in an online program so commencement is out of state. We've decided to make a short vacation out of it on the weekend we have her but it would require SD to miss 2 days of school and a soccer practice.
Her BM was supportive, and ultimately said it is SD's choice if she wants to go. We honestly thought if she had a choice between school or a vacation, she wouldn't think twice... but... she decided she wants to stay home because she "doesn't want her friends at school to miss her." I kept myself together and told her I understand, but inside I'm really hurt that she doesn't want to be there. Her mom graduated herself last summer and she was so pumped for her mom, I guess I stupidly thought she'd be excited for me as well but doesn't seem to care much at all to want to be there or take part in a the fun family vacation we planned. Of course I want all of the people I love the most to be there, my husband, my son and of course, her. I just feel so... rejected by the whole thing. I don't know if I'm being overly emotional about it or if my feelings are justified.
Congratulations on completing
Congratulations on completing your undergraduate degree. What a great accomplishment.
Do not let the pre-teen drama crap detract from your accomplishment. She made her choice, now make it a longer celebratory event, do it up, and when SD-10 loses her shit because she missed it, make sure to remind her that not going was her choice.
I did my Master's online and did not make my graduation. It conflicted with an extended family vacation that had been planned for a year. I have no regrets though I would have liked to walk with my robes. My baby brother and I graduated with our Undergrad together, mom and dad were there, as was my STB DW. We met the last semester of my 11yr Undergrad career and her first semester out of HS. We did make my DW's undergrad graduation, her Master's graduation, and her CPA swearing in event. SS was a big pargt of all of our degree efforts. We raised him in large part while we were both college or grad school students.
I am sorry that your SD and apparently BM are playing games. Don't let themf distract you from an amazing accomplishment.
If SD can't participate happily, then good riddance to her not being there or participating at all.
Make it a memory for you, DH and your child
Yes, you are justified, but... if you choose to wallow in hurt due to the behaviors of a 10yo, you will be ruining it for yourself, your own child, and for your DH.
Don't do that.
Again, congratulations. You are joining the demographic of US citizens with an undergraduate degree. Welcome to the 1/3-ers.
*give_rose*
Thank you
Thank you for the congratulations *smile*. You're totally right, I shouldn't let a 10 year old ruin an exciting moment. Once I'm done feeling my feelings, I'm going to make the best out of it. Each time I feel rejection from her I have to fight myself to not let it affect our relationship, and remember that I am the adult and she is the child and children do and say crappy things here and there. Sometimes... kids just suck. My son can throw verbal stones at me all he wants (he sometimes says 5 year old things like "I'm not your friend!" And "I want a new family!") And I have zero issue brushing those off and even mentally giggling about it, but when much lighter things come from SD, it breaks me. I'm not emotionally intelligent enough to understand why, yet. Thank you for the advice and honest words!
I understand the challenge
I understand the challenge and emotion of rejection from a Skid. BioKids are yours and you are theirs whether they like it or not. So, the toddler/mid single digit aged "I don't like you" stuff from a BK is pretty much a non event.
Skids, are different. They are really not ours, nor are we theirs... unless that choice is made.
I have no BKs. DW and I met when SS-31 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. Not that he had a choice on me as his dad. He really did not. While I did have a choice to either raise him as my own, or not, his mom and I would have tolerated nothing less than being equity parents to any children in our home/marriage. As it turned out, SS is our only. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. I am the only full time dad he has ever had. Though the Spermidiot and SpermClan have always been a part of his life, blessedly a small part, his real life has always been with his mom and me.
If SD grows up and normalizes, great. If not, do not jeopardize your own happiness, the happiness of your BK, or the happiness of your marriage over it.
Kids are not the marital priority. The priority is the partners, and the marriage. Kids, are the top relationship responsibility. Two very different things. You are setting the example of educational accomplishment which is part of delivering on that responsibility.
Again, congratulations.
Congrats on your degree! I
Congrats on your degree! I agree that you should enjoy it and try not to be upset. Looking to find a parent/child type fulfillment in a stepchild with a living and highly involved BM, as a stepmom, is an exercise in futility. It sucks, but that's what it is. It's not the child's fault. She has to live with her BM and to survive/thrive in that environment, she may feel she has to be more "loyal" to her or at least act that way. Do not let that take away from your enjoyment of your accomplishment.
I don't think she's trying to
I don't think she's trying to be more loyal to BM or anything like that, I do think she just genuinely doesn't care. I don't feel as though I'm truly looking for fulfillment but that she even kinda cares about me in some ways, in the way that family members do. I'm excited about my graduation and she can't take away how proud I am of sticking through it and the sense of accomplishment I feel. Thank you for the congratulations
This is a huge event in your
This is a huge event in your life and you should be loud and proud about it. Don't you dare feel like it isn't important because SD made a decision you don't like. Instead make those plans, pump up your littler one for the trip, highlight it on the calendar and start counting those days down. You are allowed to be happy, you should be happy, you did something awesome!!
Congratulations.
On your hard work. Hope the best for you.
You are just kidding yourself. That you have a close relationship with SD. She has two parents, you are not one of them. Just because when she visits. She has no friends there she stays close to you to entertain her, That it means something. She telling you . Her friends are more important then a vacation with you. You know BM is not helping you. She doesn't want her DD to have a good time with you. Good times are reserved for BM. And where is your SO, BF in this he didn't tell SD This is the right thing to do. Like a parent does.
Time to rethink your role. As SM. and start disengaging, save the money and time for people who appreciate and cares for you.
This is a refreshing
This is a refreshing perspective for me because I don't get along with SS, and it's hard to be on the side of someone who is not on my side. If his inner circle is his mom and dad, and his friends are the second ring. I'm in like the 10th ring after teachers and strangers. But your quandry is making me realize that even if we got along fine, that wouldn't necessarily mean that I would become a part of his inner circle. That puts things into perspective what I can or should expect to attain in the relationship in the future.
Harry, do you think that Skids could never form a familial bond with the SP so long as both parents are around? I have unconditional love with my bio son, and he can expect my loyalty 100% and vice-versa.I probably could never attain that with SS no matter what.
She's 10. Her priorities are
She's 10. Her priorities are different to yours. She also has little understanding for the nuances of how her decision affects you. She was giving a choice and she made it.
Congratualtions on your degree. You have given your son and sd a great example to follow. They saw your hard work and will have taken note.
Congratulations!!!!!
Yay to YOU!
Yeah, processing these things is hard until you disengage and stop taking it all personally.
LIke others and you, I too had (or so I THOUGHT) a wonderful and close relationship with SD Artist formerly known and Munchkin now Powersulk 17almost18.
From around 10-ish she started stabbing me in the back while maintaining a smiling and friendly demeanor. I took her out and did things, bought food I knew she liked, got her pads and chocolate, attended all school family functions, and more.
Only to realize and understand that she somehow developed a selective amnesia. Remembering some things and not others depending on what was useful. That she was essentially taking what I offered and liked me ok. Sometimes maybe she loves me, but who knows...shes 17 and is all about her friends and their happiness.
Go off and enjoy, and in the future, try to lower your expectations. Your putting in a lot towards her, just dont expect much love and loyalty in return.
Congratulations.... I know it
Congratulations.... I know it's hard work.. and you have accomplished something to be proud of.
I would not overly weight what a 10 year old wants to do here.. her mom's graduation.. I'm assuming was a local event.. with probably a nice meal after.. hardly a big chunk of her time.
Your graduation requires a longer trip.. and perhaps it's when there are "big" things happening at her school.a dance or some other social or school events.. and she doesn't want to miss them.
Maybe BM is putting pressure.. doesn't want her to go too..
Either way.. she is a 10 yo kid.. I wouldn't drag her if she didn't want to go.. so go.. have a fabulous time.. send plenty of pictures showing her how much fun you are having..lol.
Congrats.....ulations!!
I'm sorry she doesn't want to go. If she were not a step, you'd make her go. Too bad she can make that decision. I wouldn't want to make her go at this point. Enjoy your vacation with your husband and son.
I feel your pain
First of all, congratulations!!! It is a great achievement and you should be proud.
I do get what you're saying. It's the little things that really get you and make you feel like you are considered to be less of a person. For example, my SD is having a little girl and announced she was naming it after a family member who was a big influence on her. So when she said the child was going to be name "Carla" I assumed it was after me. I was super proud until the birth announcement came out and she spelled it "Karla" after my MIL who made my life a living hell when I married DH. So I do know how it feels to have a child you consider your own to treat you like a lesser being. It happens to all of us.
Go enjoy your time with your husband and son. You did good and deserve to enjoy yourself.
I'm sure you understand that
I'm sure you understand that this was likely in no way personal. Your MIL is her grandmother.. it's totally common for a grandchild to name their kid after a grandparent... I was named after MY grandmother.
Perhaps.. she liked the name because while it is spelled slightly differently.. it is basically the same as yours?
You know there is zero way that a Skid is really going to be able to name their child after a step parent.. no matter how good the relationship is.. not when their is a bio ex in the picture.. it is just too hot of a potato.
And.. try to remember.. even if you aren't a nameplate on the grandkid.. t hat doesn't mean your SD doesn't cherish your relationship.. but put yourself in her shoes.. and see who you would be likely to go with for a namesake.. a bio grandparent that you love.. or a step parent that you love.. but that your mother doesn't... and it's her grandchild.. that could cause all sorts of family drama.
I would take the Carla with a
I would take the Carla with a K as the kid being named after me and the MIL, if I were that person. I would vocally celebrate it... if for no other reason than to irritate the crap out of the toxic MIL. "Wow, you miss spelled the kid's name."
Many people innovate on name spellings even when they are honoring a special person in their lives.
I am named after both of my granddads so my name is pretty milqtoast but I am proud of the men I am named after. My younger brother's name is purely because my dad liked it, and my youngest brother's name is in honor of my dad's favorite uncle and ... himself (Middle name).
My SS, is named because DW promised a HS classmate that she would name him that. She does not even remember who that classmate is. My kid (SS)has the same name (first and middle) as almost every little boy born in the early 90s. It was hillarious as he was growing up. At kid events, sports, school gatherings when a parent would call to or cheer for their boy child, at least half of the boys would turn around.
My niece is due with my parents first GGK in May. She is named after her dad's GM and my dad and my niece. My niece's middle name is my dad's middle name.
I like names that have some history and meaning behind them. Maybe a boomer thing.
Believe me.. my older SD
Believe me.. my older SD almost had her first child on my birthday.. I would have absolutely cackled and posted about "my birthday present" on social media.. just to skewer BM.. lololol.
he missed it by a few hours.. dang.
I seem to recall one of her kid's middle names is a family name of mine.. not intentional.. but I pointed it out.. haha.
But really.. I would never have expected to be a namesake while their mom was living.. her head would pop off.
I would still crow about the birthday present.
Don't let a few hours take away that BM irritating nugget of fun.