Snubbed on Xmas

Forums:

I'll try to make this short.
SS's ages 16 and 18. DH works out of state during the week (he was laid off locally so he had to follow the work). I was asked to stay here so SS16 (who lives with us) could stay at his current high school and DH would continue to look for employment close to home. So I take care of SS16 during the week. He only talks to me if he needs/wants something. I take him places he wants to go, as well as doc appointments, etc. His BM does NOTHING for him. So I've basically rearranged my life for a child that makes me feel invisible.
Today, it was the BM's turn to have the boys for Xmas. Well, DH had taken the boys shopping for gifts for their mother - he funded the purchase because they can budget their money.
This evening, they came back from BM's house. We were all in the kitchen. Neither kid spoke to me. They each handed their dad a gift (walking by me to do it). Once he opened them, one went upstairs and the other went to a party.
Although I expected them to neglect to get me anything, it still hurt me deeply. As I said, I stayed here in this house to make sure he got to stay at his current school. I do pretty much everything for him.
To watch them ignore me, like I wasn't even there... it hurt.
I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does. It's a reflection on them and their parents (I took my daughter to get my DH - her stepdad- a very nice gift). She asked if I would take her. I didn't even have to ask her about it.
Anyone been there/done that? If so, how do you get past it? They HAD to have realized how crappy it was to leave me out. *sigh*

This is one of those

This is one of those situations many posters on here talk about and use as a great example for when a step should disengage from being anything more than those kid's dad's wife. You do a lot for your skid, so do I, but the thing is that you are expecting something/anything in return. Your feelings wouldn't be hurt if you truly expected nothing from them. StepLife calls for thick skin and a strong discipline in keeping your mouth shut. I will say that you're personalizing something someone else did by basing them to your standards. Teenagers in general are selfish creatures-like two years old but with the ability to talk back in full sentences. Many bio parents are ignored by ungrateful children and it seems, by your post, that both of their bio parents would have also gone without had the other not paid and took care of gifts for the kids to give to the other. If you want to say something to your DH, you can tell him his kids are ungrateful for not even wishing you a Merry Christmas, but don't assume that's going to magically change anything because, again, they're teenagers. I personally would disengage, tell my husband before bed that the fact that neither of his children wished me anything for the holidays shows how undeserving THEY are of MY time, money and attention. And the fact that HE hasn't taught them to be better changes the way I see him as well. I'm fine with "not existing" for the skids convenience but now I'm done "existing" for my own as well. They (DH & co) can find their own rides, groceries, entertainment, etc from now on.

How does one "disengage?"

Biggest part of disengagement

Biggest part of disengagement is sending him to live with BM while his Dad is not around. Unless there is a court order that says he can't live with Mommy, then he needs to be with Mommy.

Disengagement is basically doing absolutely nothing for the step kid...or only doing what you are comfortable doing. Also only doing things that the court would frown on if you didn't do them.

Ride to party or movie or mall - Nope
Money to go have fun - Nope.
Cook for him - Nope. He is at an age that he should learn to cook, so only buy things he can fix for himself.
Laundry - Nope. He is old enough to do laundry.

Ride to school or work - Yes
Taking care of medical needs - Yes

There are links that I'm sure someone will post for you later.

As adults they actually do

As adults they actually do not improve, if raised this way. They only become more self-absorbed and add others to their rudeness. Unfortunately, this happens when we have weaklings as husbands who are afraid of their adult kids, who never really grow up. It is a pathetic cycle if you live with a man like this that rarely improves. He is a sorry father and though he may be a great husband in all other ways, a complete failure to his wife with regards to his self-absorbed brats, he has created.

You are not alone....But....

You have to take care of yourself and protect yourself from this BS treatment, stop expecting him to help. Look out for you and do whatever it takes to make that happen in your life.

To be a stepmom, you need to

To be a stepmom, you need to develop tougher skin than that. These kids do not have any loyalty to you whatsoever therefore you do not even cross their radar when it comes to things like giving gifts. It's not personal - even though it may seem incredibly personal to you, and I totally understand that. Don't take it personally, that is the greatest gift you can give yourself!

This is what we did - and it may not be the correct thing to do but works for us. The first few years we were married, they got their dad a crap gift (usually a hat or a lunch pail type thing) and me nothing - but the SS's would give siblings a gift (2 SS's, 2 SD's, 1 BD) - one of the SS's gave the other SS (his bio-bro) $1,000 for a 'gift' and gave all the girls $5 walmart gift cards. And they ALL KNEW IT! So the next year DH and I told them that they were not permitted to get gifts for their siblings - since the 3 oldest complain of being "poor college students" and the younger 2 are still in high school, without jobs - there was not a need to give gifts unless they make something for the others. No one has complained about it - and no one has to watch as 1 out of the 5 get something lavish like $1K.

Make it a priority to exchange meaningful gifts with your DH - and disengage from the skids.

When they are not under the

When they are not under the care and control of your husband they should be with the other parent.

WOW your husband must be employed by the most elite set of circumstances that he must be away from home all week long.
UNLESS he is a truck driver and bless their hearts for taking on a job that requires long periods of time away from family.

What skills does your husband have that requires such extreme obligation AND sacrifice for his wife and boys?

Ma'am, you can un-ring this bell any time you want to. Tell dh he must make other arrangements for his young men.

It is 2016 not 1890 where women had zero say so.

My husband is in nuclear

My husband is in nuclear construction facilities management. He must go to where the work is. Due to financial obligations (mtg, alimony of $2500 per month, etc) he has to keep earning a large salary. Him taking a lower paying job is not an option.
As for returning the SS who lives with us, I can no more ask that than I would expect him to ask me to send my 11year old daughter to live with her father because she was being an @ss.
Completely disengaging would be the same as me telling DH that I dislike his kids. He already says I don't like them.
He is hypersensitive to any criticism about them. It's ok for he and his ex to say something negative, but not me. I suppose that's normal to some extent. I'm protective of my own child as well.
His mother is actually the custodial parent. She just allows him to live here. She swore if if didn't keep his grades up, she'd make him come back. As of right now, he has officially failed two core classes and one elective for the first half of the year. Not a word from her on the subject and she's well aware that there's a very good change he will fail 11th grade. I told her two months ago, that without intervention, he wouldn't pass this nine weeks. Neither parent would allow me to keep an eye on his progress. There is no point in suggesting he go back to his mother's. I just need to discover some way to effectively deal with clannish ways.

This is on your DH, he took

This is on your DH, he took ss's shopping for their mother and paid for the gifts yet DH neglected to have the boys pick out something for you. Huge oversight on his part. He expects you to do and be everything to his sons without the slightest acknowledgement. They are following the lead of their father.

If BM is the custodial parent

If BM is the custodial parent and your husband is gone a lot, his kids should stay with BM.

You do a lot for your husband's kids and they seem to think you OWE it to them instead of being appreciative and they probably get that attitude from your husband. Being financially dependent on him has given him the upper hand and he knows it, his kids know it.

What kind of man lets his kids act like that, anyway? Did your husband even say anything about it? Apologize to you for their behavior? Anything?

I don't know how you can deal with the clannish ways when your husband allows it, doesn't correct it, and you probably can't even talk to him about it without him saying you dislike his kids. You say you can't disengage, so...

I do agree it's DH's failure

I do agree it's DH's failure not to point his boys in the right direction. Completely.
They have their own issues - stealing from me and my daughter, lying, smoking, a plethora of issues that they are 100% responsible for.
But again, I have to agree that DH should shoulder the bulk of the Xmas incident.

This is on your DH. He's

This is on your DH. He's effectively told his children you are not important. Why would yo help a man with his children when he teaches them it is ok to disrespect you but not their mother?

I can't blame all of their

I can't blame all of their actions on poor parenting. They have been taught not to lie, steal, etc. They know better than to do the things they do. They don't give a crap. At their age, they know right from wrong.
I absolutely think DH and BM contribute. But it doesn't excuse what the kids do.

It might be helpful to look

It might be helpful to look at the bigger picture for a moment, because for me it's about frequency and severity.

I can't help but think about the fact that my SD got me nothing for xmas, and I went out of my way to get her to get my boyfriend something. He didn't think to get her to do the same. That said, he got me a wonderful and very generous gift this year when i know he's strapped for money so it eases the annoyance on him. I would not be annoyed with her because she does not know any better.

You need to analyze the relationship you have with the husband because that's ALWAYS your center point. Any problem with the children should be addressed through the husband. My boyfriend typically makes me feel included and loved from my SD, but not always. There have been times when I've confronted her negative behaviour towards me and he defends her or tries to play it down, and there's other times where I don't say anything and he demands that I deserve respect and commands that she apologize.

My boyfriend is pretty great but really misses the ball sometimes. And so long as he is pretty great MOST OF THE TIME, I let the blips go. And a blip might be not getting me a gift on one occasion.

It might be helpful to look

It might be helpful to look at the bigger picture for a moment, because for me it's about frequency and severity.

My boyfriend is pretty great but really misses the ball sometimes. And so long as he is pretty great MOST OF THE TIME, I let the blips go. And a blip might be not getting me a gift on one occasion.

You feel depressed and

You feel depressed and saddened because you are being treated like an invisible servant, the kind that fades into the wallpaper in palaces where princelings roam incurious how the velvet gets beneath their feet.

What you want is to be a person, someone who gets told a little anecdote from school, hears "please and thank you" now and again, and especially gets some actual acknowledgement from an appreciative husband.

It is not too much to expect those things. You deserve them.

You use a lot of language that diminishes yourself and accedes great power to your husband, those boys, and the BM. I encourage you to notice yourself doing that. Put your own daughter in that role -- how does it look? Makes you want to scream and save her? Yeah, so if it wouldn't be right for her, it's not right for you.

Teens allowed to be like this in their adolescence will, indeed, turn out to be adults who are very much the same. Now is the time to form their character and values and your dh is teaching them to be rude, entitled, slackoffs. The grades prove how pervasive this attitude is.

It sounds like your husband expects you to keep the home running while he earns the big salary. Therefore you feel unable to challenge anything. But if this is the deal you two have struck then go ahead and take charge of YOUR home. Start by making small changes, it will get easier. When you pick up the boys, force them to say something to you. Hi or thanks or whatever. You do this by giving them an option. "Hmmm, if there's nobody in the car but me, guess I'll go do all my errands" then drag those boys all over town to the carpet store, the tile store, the drapers, the dry cleaners, every boring-to-a-teen-boy task you can think of rather than take them directly home. It's best if you can use some humor while doing this so the boys end up laughing as they "give in."

You should be able to build from there. Just stop waiting for permission to solve this problem. You have so much time with those boys, use it to influence them and to teach them how to treat you. I think you have a great opportunity because they depend on you for so much. My SD treats me like this but she needs me for virtually nothing (that she knows of) so I have no capital with her. You have PLENTY of capital. Start using it.

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