So, opinions please! Should (barely 11 YO) have a girlfriend??
My SS11 has had (what he calls) a girlfriend for the past 2 months. I have a bad feeling about it (I really can't exactly put a finger on what is causing this feeling though) so I'm wondering what all you seasoned veterans think?
Here is the info: SS turned 11 the end of March. He is nice boy, respectful (a little selfish) but I think that is just the age. A couple of months ago he started adding a signature to all of his text messages: "I love Gertrude (name changed haha) Forever" The first time my husband saw this he text him back and asked him what that was all about... no response. My hubby then text him again and told him he wanted to know. Well then Miss Precious (BM) calls with her stupid little attitude and tells my hubby that SS did not want to tell him he had a girlfriend because he was afraid he would be mad because he always tells SS that he shouldn't date until he is 30. (of course he's kidding and Skank knows this) So rather than argue with Skank, hubby lets it go but tells Skank and SS that when he gets his heart broken etc that he does not want them crying to him.
SS cell phone is on my phone bill and last month he had 7500 text messages!!!! wth??
A couple of weeks ago I saw some text messages bewteen my SD12 and Gertrude in where Gertrude was upset because SS called her a slut and a whore because she was not responding to his text messages! wth?
Last night SS was at our house and hubby had to take him to Gertrude's house so they could go to the movies together. Hubby was NOT happy about it, but choses not to get into a battle royal with Skank (BM)
I am seeing red flags in all the texting (what in God's name does an 11 year old text over 7000 times???) and I was seriously appalled that he would call ANYONE a slut and whore! If he is disrespecting girls like that now what will he be like at 18, 25 etc??
I do have a bio son (7 months) and I keep thinking.. what would I do if it was him and I keep answering... hell no he would NOT have a GF! He would be concentrating on sports, school, friends etc. Wth does an 11 year old know about "love"??
Am I way out of line here?? :?
that's exactly what I said..
that's exactly what I said.. so Skank thinks this is all fine, doesn't care what you think, then she has the nerve to dump kid off with you and you get to take him so he can go to the movies with this girl.. talk about rubbing it in your face!
but again, my hubby hates BM and just doesn't want to have to have a long drawn out disortation with her over it. Exactly where most of my frustation lies in that she controls everything because she is such a beeotch and nobody wants to deal with her! UGH!
7500 texts........all
7500 texts........all containing less than 10 letters I am sure !
probably goes something like this:
what up
nutin
bored
me 2
watchin tv (oops that is over 10)
ic
u?
I have a 13 yo and check the texts occationally to keep an eye on what's going on in his life. He had a 'girlfriend' for a few months. I'm not sure they ever spoke in person, only by text and in these totally meaningless exchanges. I wouldn't assume that's the case on your end but it's been my experience.
I will say that if he is disrepectful to her like that he needs a lesson in how to treat people in general and especially the opposite sex.
I agree with whoever said, to
I agree with whoever said, to define 'girlfriend'. Often at that age it's very much a name only. And I think that's the age the interest starts.
You can't stop it, god knows I'd like to, so all you can do is teach them to be respectful. there's a challenge !
I feel like we really can't
I feel like we really can't bring up the slut/whore incident because I was snooping in SD's phone... (I know alot of you will think this is bad!) We had both kids for a whole week a couple of weeks ago and that was around the time the phone bill had come and I just really had a feeling that something was going on and wanted to see if the 7000 texts were just "k", "ic", etc. So one day when they were all at her lacrosse practice, she left her phone and I looked at her text messages.
I don't think this girl was lying because the tone of her message was that she was upset by it and then her last message was "well whatever, I'd rather date an 8th grader than an immature acting little 6th grader" but... apparently they "worked it out" UGH!
I didn't even tell my hubby about the slut/whore thing until last night when he was so upset about the movie/date thing. I do think he will be addressing it (in a vague "you should be sure to respect girls" way so as to not blow me in!)
I dont' want to see your post
I dont' want to see your post become a debate on snooping but I believe that a parent has a right to do so and a child has no expectation to 100% privacy. And I know that a lot of people disagree, that's ok too.
When I gave my son a phone he was told that I pay for it, I am the adult who is in the end held responsible for his actions and that there would be random checking. I told him he should not be texting, email or saying anything to anyone that he wouldnt' want me or another parent to hear or read. And he was told that any inappropriate use of it would result in a loss of priviledges.
You are in a hard spot being the SM but if you think the priviledge is being abuse you have the right to express that.
I'm more likely to use what I read to spark an unrelated conversation about what is and isn't appropriate. I don't want my kids to hide stuff from me but I need to know what is going on to lead them in the right direction.
Way too early. We had the
Way too early. We had the same problems with all the texting. I kept saying it was too much and no one wanted to hear it. Fast forward 2 years and we have given up custody of SD14 because she doesn't like our rules. Your DH needs to step up now and yes fight with BM on these things. Otherwise when the teen years come, you have even bigger problems. It starts out small and escalates. Especially if no one forces any boundaries on these kids.
"It starts out small and
"It starts out small and escalates. Especially if no one forces any boundaries on these kids."
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Exactly how I feel, like this is going to come back to bite us big time!
"So rather than argue with
"So rather than argue with Skank, hubby lets it go but tells Skank and SS that when he gets his heart broken etc that he does not want them crying to him."
Ok-honestly this really rubs me the wrong way, that's a very cold and uncaring response from a father, shows a lot of lack of respect for his sons feelings. As parents you're supposed to be their shoulder to cry on and vent. Does he have any idea how many times his son will be having girl drama and need to vent/cry on? Rather then take the tough macho "man up" approach it's best to BE his encourager, the one that listens and supports.
My concern is two things- the amount of TM at that age, and using the whore/slut..big red flags. Sounds to me it's time to set some boundaries-maybe ground him from using the phone (take it it's in your dh name) and remind him to cut TM WAY down-my son isn't really allowed to text (I know he's sneaked in a few) and the amount is ridiculous...also it's time to have the talk about how to treat girls and future prospects-it's prime learning time...obviously he thinks it's acceptable to say these things, why? Time to question, guide, teach, right now before it's too late-he's young and teachable right now. Though honestly I have to wonder where he gets this from since the BM is referred to by you as Skank.-but anywho... I'd also encourage him to delete the sig line in his phone-it does go a little overboard, and with the amount of texts it seems he may be obsessing a little too much to young. But again-he can be guided, take tm plan off entirely-block it for now, it's in your dh's name so he can demand the sig line is taken out and explain perhaps that it's ok to like girls but not to obsess and encourage him to worry about other things. It's easy for kids to go that slippery slide to early, but I don't think extremes are necessary-just proper guidance, maybe dh and bm need to talk about it also to see if he can get bm on board? My exh and I discuss this kind of thing quite well.
Ok-about an 11yr old w/a girlfriend-some kids are interested in the opposite sex way earlier then others-to them girlfriend means they like someone a lot, they may talk on the phone, or send notes to eachother in school, stuff like that.Shoot I did it too. I have an 11yr old-he's always been very into girls from pre-k...never been inappropiate, never do I allow him to go on movie dates, but this one he did like, he did talk about her, talk on the phone (but I really limit his time) and they sent notes..I stayed close by when they were talking also. But then again he doens't have his own phone yet-he can use mine. So it's normal for him to think "girlfriend" even if she really isn't in the adult way...but I disagree w/alone dates to the movies-not age appropiate IMO. Your dh should have stood his ground on that one big time. But, he gave in??
Note: some kids aren't that interested at that age-my youngest isn't-but some kids are, they're individuals, nothing is wrong with them whatsoever either way.
It's ok for them to learn about relationships, liking, being respectful, communicating (phone, notes, or even tm if they are limited).
Here's what happened with my son-the girl "broke up" with him and told him she liked his neighbor (which is his archenemy lol)...he was heartbroken, he cried (just one afternoon for a little while) and moped around for a few days-now he just says yeah it stinks she broke up with me. Oh and both sons hate Justin Beiber too haha-jealousy guy thing I assume
When he came home crying-I did NOT minimize his pain and tears-to them they are real-they're learning about emotions, caring, etc... I sat with him, comforted him, hugged him, rubbed his back, told him I knew how bad it felt, that I was sorry she broke his heart-that it stinks, in essence I was his shoulder to lean on-that's what parents do. Emotional support ya know? I then after validating his feelings waited for the right time and gently added that he's too young for girls right now-he needs to focus on schools, sports, his skateboard, music, whatever...he has plenty of time later in life to worry about girls. Anyway....maybe your dh has a few things to learn about the empathy part of parenting.
I agree, this is the age to
I agree, this is the age to be teaching them and helping them learn how to have successful relationships of all kinds. But also to keep an eye on them. I believe in giving independence in small doses with appropriate parental control and consequences for not following the rules. It's how kids grow and learn.
My dd is 12 almost 13 and
My dd is 12 almost 13 and she's had "boyfriends" for a number of years now. I also have an 11 year old son who has no interest in girls. My dd hit puberty early and is fully in the throes of it. She gets lots of male attention which of course she likes. Here recently we just got unlimited texting on the phone (previously had a block not allowing the kids to text)-well 2 weeks later the block is going back on. She would text all day if allowed to. A boy that is older and she barely knows was texting her inappropriate sexual things and telling her to sneak out of the house. Needless to say dd no longer has teh cell phone at all and she no longer has facebook access. If she wants to talk to someone she is welcome to use the home phone. I think the times we live in are scary. I think kids say things over text messaging and facebook that they would never say in real life. I see good kids doing bad things under the "protection" of our electronic age. So sad really. There are not getting what a relationship really is. My dd and I are having lots of talks now. I told her I didnt even care if she had a "boyfriend" but also talked to her about what is appropriate in a relationship at her age and what is not. I would never allow her to go to the movies with a guy and I wouldnt invite him to my house either. She could see him at school and school functions. These kiddos have no clus how to handle the emotion that is involved in a relationship.
Last night SS was at our
Last night SS was at our house and hubby had to take him to Gertrude's house so they could go to the movies together
++++++++++++++++++++++
NOPE-NOPE-NOPE!!!