Soon to be step-mom
I am getting married in November and my fiance has an 11yr old son. He was never married to the mother of his son and they really do not get along well at all. My fiance has primary custody of his son and the mother bi-weekly time with him which she does not take full advantage of. I moved in with my fiance in January this year and previously had spent very little time with his son. I feel like most of the time we all get along ok, but there are some problems which I just don't really know how to handle.
Before I moved in, the boy's grandmother would help get him ready for school due to my fiance's work schedule. As soon as I moved in I was thrust into that authoritative role. The kid had hardly even met me and suddenly I am in charge.
There are several behavioral problems with my future stepson which are not new problems and have been ongoing well before I was ever in the picture. I often find myself feeling frustrated with the child's disrespect towards his father and other authority figures he has had. In general I have privatly discussed my concerns with my fiance and ideas that I might have to help him. But when he decides to talk to his son about these issues, he makes me be a part of the conversation and the kid just shuts down. I can understand, however, why he has these problems. A few years ago before I ever met my fiance his son was taken by his mother and her boyfriend at the time was beating him and also abusing his half-sister. My fiance took him away from that situation and the child has been in therapy etc. since then. I feel like in general it is too soon for me to be an authority figure for the child since I am new and how can he know to trust me?
In the short period of time I have been living with them I figured out that the kid wasn't taking his medications. I told my fiance, so that he could handle it and I was included in the discussion. I feel like I am resented by the kid, not because I'm not his mom but because I keep getting identified as the person who catches all his bad behaviors and so it is my fault he gets grounded or punished. I try to make it set up so that it is his father that is taking care of these issues, but it always gets tied to me.
In all the step parenting advice I have read it says that the step parent should take this role so soon and it is often a mistake that the new parent makes. But I try not to be in this position and keep getting put in it by the bioparent.
I agree with what you read.
I agree with what you read. Being thrusted into that role so soon may not fare well for you. If you share with your fiance what you have read (from experts in the field that have seen what can happen) and why you are concerned (sounds like you just want to set a good foundation for your relationship with soon to be ss), will he listen to what you have to say and take it seriously? Using you as a scapegoat so that he doesn't look like "mean dad" is not fair to you. If he think having you both there when he talks with his son makes it seem the 2 against one, or possibly like you two are a team, that might fare better in the future. It's the beginning. In the beginning, I think it's most helpful (from what I read as well) that the bd make the rules and you are there to help police and enforce them when he's not around. (not you making rules or as you very well stated, catches all his bad behaviors and then dad supporting you in that). Maybe years later, the two of you can come to your ss as a united front (always a good thing when kids realize that both parents are in agreement and there will be not different answers from each - this is true in any type of family), but for now, dad needs to take the lead and you are his supporter and help to enforce when he is absent.
I wish you much luck. I sometimes feel in a similar role. I'm in ways, the more rule-following, see a need for structure type, than my husband, so it's easy for him to be laid back. For the kids though, they need to see that he "lays down the law" and together we both agree and support that. BTW, when we talk to the kids about these things, we try to include their ideas and the reasons why it works best for our family, so it's just not rules and punishments.
Hope you find this helpful!