Soon To Be Stepmom needs help!!!
I am 28 and have been engaged for a year to a man who is 32 and has full custody of his 9 year old son. He has raised him. His mother is in the picture, but she doesn't have the money, toys and friendship that he has with his son. Which is big reason SS doesn't like his mom. (Her and I are cool so no problems there)It has always been the 2 of them and they have been buds for so long that now he is 9 and has no respect for people or things. Unless he wants something, but you know how that goes. He is always rewarded for doing things a normal child would do. Dressing himself well, closing fridge when he left it open, etc.. Yet when he does wrong he is given punishment and it never happens. example: he was told he lost his bicycle for a huge temper tantrum. But ten minutes later he was riding it again (he was told he could ride it one last time and would lose it tomorrow) then the next day was riding the neighbors. I told him to get off the bike and he said he could ride other peoples not his own. I asked my fiance and he said well his punishment was only 'his' bike. SS can ride hi own ATV, mow the lawn (not a chore, just for fun when he wants to) but can't help wash pots and pans????? He has NO chores or responsibilities in the home either. Now my future SS is really being beyond disrespectful to me! And of course it keeps happening because he tells him not to do it again and tell me sorry. I have already said "sorry" means nothing at this point. Then he pouts and he goes and buddy buddies with him. And he is pulling the same thing on me all over again. My fiance wants to get married and have a baby, but honestly his 9 year old has a very anger/destructive behavior and concerns me deply. I hate that SS is brining out this hatred in me, I never had towards anyone before. I just can't stand the decetfulness ("promise my dad said I could"..then I get yelled at for either not calling his dad if it was a lie. But, if it was the truth how dare I question him?) and disrespect ("you don't pay the bills here") I constanly feel. Any suggestions what be of great help!! I don't want to feel this way towards him anymore, I always tried to go above and beyond to give him love his mom didn't, now after a year I am getting paid back this way!
It sounds like you guys need
It sounds like you guys need to come up with an agreement you can both live with on how situations are going to be handled. I personally like having a set of rules/expectations in place that both parents agree on and which have been clearly communicated to the kids, as well as what disciplinary measures will be enforced if any of the rules are broken. If it means you write it down and tack it to the fridge, well, then that's what you do, but everyone always goes by the book. That way, there's no room for discussion or recrimination. It's all down in black and white for all to see and everyone knows what to expect and how to react.
I have to say that it sounds like Dad is a bigger problem than SS is. That statement - you don't pay the bills here - really ticked me off and I imagine it ticked you off, too. Hey, I'm a stay-at-home mom and I don't get a paycheck, but believe me, I certainly earn one. It's sort of a standing joke at our house that he earns the money and I spend it, because I'm the one that takes care of the bill-paying, grocery-buying and all of that, not that there's ever any leftover to blow on just me. So I think the biggest problem you have to deal with is your standing in the household. If you are not an equal partner and treated with equal respect, then I would have a serious problem with that. If Dad doesn't have your back, then SS is never going to respect you. He sees his Dad being disrespectful of your place in the family, so why should he be any different? I think you are right to be cautious in marrying and having children with him right now, not because he's a bad person, but because you guys still need to iron out a few things. Sit down with him and try to come up with a game plan for your whole family to follow... what your role will be, what the rules will be, what the punishment will be, etc. Then you guys have to commit to supporting each other in front of the child(ren), even if you disagree. Fight all you want about it in private, but in front of the kids, be united. Kids are evil little things... you have to be on guard at all times! ;°)
Our son is almost nine and he's getting a little mouthy, too. Sometimes he can be a real butthead. But we have a cure for that and it's called restriction of privileges. Once they start losing things that are important to them, they learn to modify their behavior pretty quickly. But hubby and I have to back each other up totally on that and not let each other back down once we've taken a stand on something. That's important.
Also, my son is almost the same age and doesn't really have any set chores. He's expected to keep his room neat and tidy, to clear his place after dinner, help his sister clean up her room after they are finished playing and to pick up after himself, but I don't assign him regular chores to do. We tried that a couple of years ago, but it got to be a drag and a constant source of conflict. Last year I changed to just asking him to help me out with various things on an as-needed basis and I'm finding that everything that needs to get done does get done and gets done with minimal screaming on my part. Now I have a happy little volunteer instead of an ugly little sourpuss during chore time.
~ Anne ~
Thanks for advice
Thanks Anne!
Yea, thete is a lot of problems that come from his father. And we don't agree on punishments (not that I have a say). He is told to sit out for 9 minutes, but while sitting out he is baning the walls, stairs, stair spindles, etc.. (to be annoying). I asked fiance to tell his son to stop, and he said it wasn't annoying anyone. (andyone being the guests sitting there in the living room right next to the stairs). But apparently bothering me was not a problem. Your right his father is not showing me the proper respect so either is his son now.He said I told him to sit out for 9 minutes, I didn't say he couldn't bang on the stairs and spindles. I just was not raised that way at all. We just have such different ways of disciplining. I love fiance, but his punishments are the same as if SS made them himself. He threatens things to be taken away, then doesn't do it. We have been together for over a year, and SS has become really disrespectful to me over the past 3 months. Just doesn;t make sense it is happening later. But he is also being worse to his father. We have a hard time talking about it becasue he gets SO defensive it always becomes a fight. Thanks for any advie I feel like I have no one to talk, all my girlfriends are single (29-30) or married and getting ready to start families. Im really glad I found this website and look forward to any advice! Andrea
I agree with Anne
Sit down and come to some sort of compromise.. It is your home and life too.
I guess if this were me I would have to sit down and tell him that you love him and that you love his son, but that you are not happy with the current situation and that there needs to be "STRUCTURE" for this boy, he is 9 now.. you still may have a chance with him. You know turning him around.. The son may partially be acting out at you because he is jealous. Jealous because he has to share his dad now with you.. Does that make sense? It does not excuse the behaviour by any means.. Also I would let fiance know that you are there to support and love both of them. But how can you give him support when he will not support you at all. And its not really about support. You should have equal rights in taking things or punishments.. You should not have to even ask the father. It is your house.. and I am sure you are the woman so you probably take the majority or the bulk of running the house.. Am I right? He wants to marry you well then he has to be willing to change some things. If the kid does not respect you now and is not forced to then he may never and things could only get worse.. A baby, they are wonderful they are the best things.. But again SS will only act out more.. Just one more thing for him to be totally jealous of.
One other thing.. Try taking the 9 year old somewhere and talking to him. Just you and him. Ask him things.. Like how he feels about you. And listen to him and then let him hear you ..
This may be what it takes..
Peace to you..
HAPPY
Love everyones advice, starting to rethink issue here
The problem is that we lived together for 5 months (once engaged),I left my job and my place in FL to move to OH to be with them and help him get things settled so we could move to FL in August. Then Fiance sent me back to FL.(he was building a home in FL, but still living in OH), called off the wedding for Oct. and I slept on my moms sofa for 2 months. I decided to give him another chance, however over the summer while he and I where in diferent state Oh say July-August, he had been internet cheating and I found some sexual text messages to people, on time I even got one of the texts on accident. He blows it off as we where technically not together, but unfortunatly his 9 year old had to of knew about at least some of these women, he did go out on some dates he told me, so he would of had to of gotten a babysitter. So, long story short... The boys moved down here in September when his house was done. (I went out a rented a place in August to get out of my mothers living room). So, for the last couple months I am down there 5 days a week and 2 days a week I am at my place 45 minutes away. I told him I felt more comfortable right now keeping my place until June (lease up) in case he decides to throw me out on my a$$ again I have a place to go. I was getting a commission checks from old job for almost a year (which I went through everything when I was up in OH. He was helping me pay my rent here becasue he wanted me out of my mothers also. My mother obvioubsly was not happy with him anymore. But now he says he has been down here for 3 months (and has been good for 3 months) and he is no longer helping me with rent. So now that I have to get a job, to pay for rent, I feel I am being punished. He says there is no reason why I can't live there for free, and I don't need to work. I told him I need some time to trust him that he will not do this again, and to understand I don't want to be in the position again he out me in before. So, the new thing is I have no say over his until I am there full time again. His son hears these him 'putting me in my place'. Then tells me I need to play a larger part in his sons life. He is 9, he goes to school, comes home plays outside, does homework, goes to bed. (basic day without fighting in between there). I make dinner, I help with homework (I dont give him the answers though. So I am suppose to do more for the kid, but I have less and less say in punishment, etc.. He keeps using this not living there full time as his wild card for everything, but am I wrong by feeling I need to keep my place till June? He is mad now that I want to work also. See he is indepnedently wealthy at 32 and doesn't ever have to work again if he doesn't want to, and he doesn't. All of this has taught SS how to treat me I believe. Im afraid if I give up my place I stay at 2 days a week, I could be out on my butt again with nothing, no job, no money, no furniture, and I don't know if that would really make a difference with SS at all. SS doesn't complain I don't do things with him. He is with us all the time! Its a crazy cycle I am in I think????
SoonToBeStepmom...i don't like that too much....
I guess to me the real question is what do YOU want to do (as opposed to what HE wants you to do)? He is independently wealthy and he doesn’t have to work, but you are not his wife (by his choosing) and he has refused to pay your rent/stopped paying your rent as a means by which to get you to do what he wants you to do…hmmm...I don’t like that too much. Is the wedding back on? I know that marriage is not the end all be all in defining relationships (we lived together for 2 years before we got married) but it does lend to a bit more financial security and he couldn’t just throw you out without a pot to piss in when he felt like it! I’m not saying get married for the security, I’m saying that w/o being married and knowing that he’s put you out before, it doesn’t make sense to give up your apartment before June. Why does he have a problem with you working? What does he think you should be doing instead? I could be wrong (I’ve been wrong many times in the past and I’m sure the pattern will repeat itself in the future!) but his not wanting you to work sounds like a means by which to control you. So I guess that is my question…what is it YOU want?
Make a GREAT Day!
Thanks Nise
Well he doesn't want me to work becasue he isn't. It gives me less time with him. He has now said 'I can work' but of course there are punishments behind it now too. He got me a car, let me rephrase that, he bought a Mercedes that I can use, in which he has threatened to take my keys away already 3 times in the past 2 weeks. Hence the reason I need a job, cause if he decides to keep doing this type of stuff what will I do??? But then he says to trust him and just move back in full time with him! I have somehow lost control of every thing. He thinks I should be happy I have a man who "buys me" a mercedes, provides me with a beautiful home to live in for free (his house), I told him I am getting a job, and ultimatly by his actions over the summer, we are not married now. I feel like he punishes me for far less things and much harsher punishments then his 9 year old. I am 28, I moved out at 17. I put myself through college and worked 60 hours a week, always paid my own bills and my own way up until January when I gave up everything. I figured I could trust the man I was going to marry. And by the way..his son hears all of this stuff!! I gave my car to someone who was in need of it. It was not worth much I put 130k miles on it. He says I can just take it back. Sorry, but I am not that type of person! And the marriage comes with a prenup also. I can't imagine having to ask for money the rest of my life from someone. If I get a job, then I lose any rights towards discipline towards his son (don't have any now), I have to pay the car insurance $400 a month, and I can help to contribute to bills around the house down there also. But apparently if we where married and I lived there full time, and didn't work everything would bedifferent???????? Am I the only one who thinks that would not be true?????
Everything would be the same
Everything would be the same because the issue is that he seems very controlling…he cannot “punish” you, you are not his child. 3 times in 2 weeks…I would probably say, “you know what, you couldn’t PAY me to drive that damn car, I’d rather take the bus then kiss your ass to drive “my” car”! He wants a prenup but doesn’t want you to have any means by which to secure your future…that is just too much…I think marrying him would be setting yourself up for a VERY DIFFICULT life…
Make a GREAT Day!
I am very leary with all
I am very leary with all that...being said. You are giving up, financial security, and control of your own life...future pension for you in your old age....for what?
It sounds like, he is creating a stiuation in which you are totally dependant on him..for even your transportation..and he is already using it to 'control' you....to have to do what he wants you to.
You have left your family & friends behind also....? So there is an 'isolation' component for you in this relationship as well.
I haven't read this thread from the beginning...but just your last posting has some red flags going off for me... Maybe I need to read all the posts before I comment....I'm very rushed today...so I appologise if I 'jumped the gun'....but I just had such a strong gut reaction to what you've stated...coming from a home where my dad was controlling and manipulative and abusive...to my mother.
Sounds familiar, don't fall for it!!!
No 1. Your fiance is behaving like his son-- a spoiled brat. It is time for him to start being a father and not a buddy like he has done in the past.
No 2. guinessgirl13 is soooo right. Things will not change because you have a piece of paper. It will make him feel like he has MORE right to tell you what to do. You are an adult and CAN do for yourself.
I am sure that you love this man very much or you wouldn't have put up with this for as long as you have... but and read this carefully.....YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THIS MAN!!!! I am sure you have heard this before. but if you can not live with the way things are RIGHT now... you are better off just calling it off and finding someone who WILL appreciate you and what you have to offer.
Get on the same page
It is so important that you and dad get on the same page as to your role in this childs life. This is the REST of your life and it is time NOW to figure out where you fit in this equation
"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid onf standing still"