SS17 is failing 2 core classes so far his Junior year of HS
SS17 is failing 2 core clases this quarter in Junior year of HS-even after telling me those are his favorite subjects. When his father was depolyed early this year I tried to help as I was his full time custodian (see past blogs, Bio Mom is useless). However he was only getting Ds then. He would lie to me and said he did assignmnents and yet did not, did half assed job of studying for tests. So after months of being kind, patient and giving helpful advice, praising the positive he did (becasue HE said he wants to go to college), I got fed up and told him I was done and to fail if he wants to- I don't care since he doesn't care - I let him know I was pissed. His response? "OK". Keep in mind he is not a bad kid and is always kind and respectful to me in every way. I told him I won't help him anymore since he doesn't give a shit and isn't trying. I was pissed at him acting like he's helpless to get his head out of his ass and simply DO THE WORK. He seems to just feel sorry for himself. He tends to be sensitive kid. To me he is being lazy, playing a victim and just being dumb beyond normal teen stuff. He is afraid to even try to learn to drive and won't study for his drivers permit. He will by 18 years old next summer!
Dad returned from deployment and took over. Cracked down on SS17 making sure he completed assignemts, made him do homework and study in living room, all in a very positive loving dad way. Keep in mind, DH wants to make sure his son graduates high school, not fail it like the boy's older sister who screwed up her life. SS17 sees how crappy her life is so nothing he should want to aspire to. What he does graduating HS is up to SS. DH got him tested for ADHD (negative) and Doctor said kid has some anxiety and perfection issues. Doctor said he is an "artistic" type and his work is "never done". The doctor explained to SS17 he understood as he is the same way. But told him its ok to do the best you can do and turn in assignments, instead of trying to rewrite them to perfection and never turning them in since you think it's not good enough. Well in my skeptical mind, I call BULLSHIT as the kid gets As and Bs in all other classes, and not studing for tests is not about "trying to be perfect".
I told DH I think SS17 is afraid to grow up, or to take on challenges (kid admitted he is afraid of "adulting") and be responsible for himself. I was also concernted maybe he wants to move back to where his mom lives (many states away) and hope her friends and family will take care of him and let him just be like he is. His older sister failed HS (at 20 years old) , moved back to mom's home state, got knocked up, and mom pawned her off to her best friend who always seems to be the one to take care of her kids for her. Mom DOES NOT take care of her kids-she is lucky her best friend takes over.
DH is beside himself and I'm upset how hard BOTH of of worked to genuinely help SS17. I personally think the kid is stunted maturity wise and spent too much time being treated as the "baby" of the family that he is afraid to leave that role. I also to told DH I think his kid is not affected by being kept from his girlfriend on the weekend until he brought the Fs up (he sees her at school and is still getting Fs even though he is supposedly doing school work on weekends). He want's a job and DH said get those Fs up first and you can get a job, but we did help him apply for Holiday work and as of yet he has no interviews. No change...nada...and school year is half over.
I think its time to take away the kids cell phone PERIOD. He can use the landline to talk to family and friends. I think something more needs to happen, this is the only thing I can come up with. We are both out of ideas. Any suggestion would be very much appreciated.
Read about Failure To Launch
Read about Failure To Launch - there needs to be a combination approach. DH needs to let SS know he understands that he's anxious about growing up and being more responsible, but there are expectations while in his house. SS needs to be in therapy to address his anxiety, he needs to complete chores as asked (including his own laundry), he needs to complete school work and pass classes in order to earn his phone and video game equipment. Once he has a job, he will need to contribute financially towards his phone. This should be done in an understanding way, but with some pushing - these are the expectations. Also, DH should not drive him anywhere, he will need to get his permit and then he can do the driving (with DH or you in the car).
thank you. I wasn't sure if I was being too harsh
about the phone. But yeah he still plays video games too. So I don't see any real consequences or incentive for him to change his ways.
Exactly - so he can "pay" DH
Exactly - so he can "pay" DH for video game and phone time by bringing home passing grades (on a semester basis, not for just passing one test). He can learn independent living skills by doing chores around the house. If he's getting rides to school, sorry, have to ride the bus until you have your permit.
But again, all of this done in love and some empathy for his anxiety (but pushing, too). If he's too comfortable, nothing will change.
Therapy is a must for everyone, too - a good therapist can help you and DH learn how to push and set clear expectations. He will be very angry, maybe threaten suicide when you tell him all of this - then he has to go to the hospital. Don't let that stuff get you guys to back down.
thank you. I think he is
thank you. I think he is definately too comfortable!
Also - I will say - the fact
Also - I will say - the fact that he knows he's afraid to grow up is good, that means he can probably benefit from therapy. My SS19 is a total Failure to Launch kid who has ZERO insight into his own anxiety and what drives him to do what he does. So insist on therapy to help him with this issue.
We had to play the Military
We had to play the Military School card and ship SS off for his Jr and Sr year of HS to be bashed and molded by evil little shit cadet leaders.
They did a great job. Though we did have to pull the Military School plug at mid year of his Sr year when his SpermIdiot hacked the school fire wall and SS was zombie in class every day after staying up all night playing WoW with his idiot SpermDad. He failed the only class in the Spring semester that he needed to graduate so we yanked his ass home. His mom was not about to pay for another two semesters of boarding school tuition. That class was only offered during Fall semester and he could not make it up in the Spring or in summer school.
Once we got him home his life became a living hell until he graduated. He loved Military School. His mom yanking his ass home made a huge impression on him. Ironically or I suppose in Karmac justice he needed far more than Sr English 1&2 to graduate in our state. He needed both to those, another advanced Math class, two career track classes and to complete a Sr project that was started at mid year of Jr year. He had 6weeks to complete an 18mo Sr project plus he had to take 5 classes in order to graduate on time.
To provide additional motivation I took him on a field trop to one of the Philly homeless camps under the Interstate during a driving blizzard to meet the people who would be his new neighgors if he failed to graduate on time. I kicked him out of the car at a redlight next to the homeless camp and told him I would be back for him after he met his future neighbors. I drove off and left him. I then circled back and parked behind a shopping center across the frontage road from the homeless camp. He could not see me. I had an eyeball on his the whole time. I should have paid the homeless folks who ran him through the ringer the year of boarding school tuition we would have paid for him to graduate from Military School. Those people scared the shit out of that kid. They blasted him for not buckling down and taking advantage of the opportunity that his parents (his mom and I) provided. I picked him up after a couple of hours. On the drive back home I told him that we would either be attending his graduation ceremony or dropping him off with a new pup tent and a sleeping bag next to his new neighbors.
After that the Skid was nothing but assholes and elbows getting his school work done. He graduated on time and with a 4.0 GPA for the semester.
Find what scares the shit out of your SS and play that card hard. At this stage the goal is a diploma and nothing else. You and dad can deal with whatever comes next once he has his diploma. I would suggest taking his summer. If he fails a class find a resident high discipline residential summer school and make his life hell for the summer. If he reached 18yo and what should be his HS graduation date and is still dicking around.... introduce him to his new homeless camp neighbors.