Don't know if any step-moms encounter such step-daughter and what should I do since we live under the same room everyday.

One of my step-daughter is 12 years old now and soon this year she will be turning 13. Another younger one will be 9 years old by the end of this year. I'd like to talk the older one here.

Background : married 3 years & live together 3 years. Their mom passed away 6 years ago.

The older one is kind of a moody, mean, selfish, messy, very forgetable, stubborn, undisciplined, bossy, crying a lot, waste mondy, spoiled and more. Here are some examples:

She is very forgetable like forget turnning her homework, forget her daily-basis chore,forget her waterbottle on the bus, forget her cloth at school, forget her ipod in her friend's house, forget where she put here DS game, forget bring her blah blah blah at the very last minute every time we go out & more. The ridiculous thing is no matter how many times you kindly remind her, she still keep to forget it and show you the " I don't kind" attitude or I can not remeber where it is. Before I live with them there is no NOBODY(either my husband or her grandma, they are the closest persons in her life) tell her this is some habbit you could change or find a way to help her to change it, what her grandma said is " she is just like this" and they just let her to be like this, my husband's way is endure it by keep silence. I was always wondering and sometimes I am asking him" you are her only parent if you saw she has some problem why don't talk to her to let her realize she can get improvement, if you do not teach her whoelse could do it".

Very mean and selfish, don't know sharing at all. And very jealous, if you have this kind of personality step-kids in your house, you know what I mean. Nightmare.

Super moody, this is not from after her mom passed away, my sister-in-law told me she is like this since she is 2-years old. You can not give her a little lecture, even you talk to her in a very kind, low voice way she can start crying right after you open your mouth, and last night she said she is going to suicide herself to her father it just because we gave her a small lecture and said if she can not change it she has no chance to go xx in summer. How dare she said it to her father? It's very hurt since my husband is really a super good father to them since he may feel sorry for them who lost their mom and he is kind of spoiled them. But how dare she threatens her daddy in such a cruel & cold way.

Also, she has nothing to talk to us, not just me but my husband too. Everytime we try to develop a conversation with her to get to know how's her school life, how's her daily life is she just shrug her shoulders, it's super hard for us to know what she is thinking in her mind, what she talks to us are all about " I want go to pierc my ears, I want go to movie with my friends, I want buy blah blah blah, someone has a iphone, I don't, I like to eat blah blah blah, I want to go to the mall...except those stuff, she has nothing to talk to us. And you can never hear she said she wants to participate any school's events, or she is be fond of some social activities or any positive attitue towards to the daily life. We asked her to see counselor ( which we tried in the very beginning of our marriage, but it does not work good on her, she just refuse to talk), but she keep saying it does not work. And we asked her to talk to someone she close to like her uncle or grandma,she also reject us. Her room, desk, floor are always messy and she is supper lazy, bossy, always yelling at her younger sister or order her do her part of things, like packing, feeding dog or folding her cloth.

The wrose thing is she can never overcome those bad habbits, she always say she is bored, she is bored, she is bored. Before and after I live with them at the very begining, she spent 99% of her spare time playing computer games online or hang out on FB, anyone can tell me how many kids at their 9 years old can have a FB account and hang out their day to night? Or watch TV. For this I can not blaim on her, since it should be her Daddy's responsibility to cut it for her but he didn't since he was a single Daddy. I can not complain it but the thing is I need to face those damage kids. What should I do? Either bring them back to the normal family life or just wath them to get wrose. But if you know what I mean, you should understand how difficult to pull them to be normal. Especially the one like the older one.

The younger one was also gave me some hard time at the very begining, but she just suddenly changed, very very easy to get alone with now. I can not remember when is her last time she got lecture from us, it's really really a long time ago. But also feel annoying that why the older one can't, everytime seems we helped her overcomed one of her problem, late she bring you another on, non-stop.

And can not remembr from when she starts only to ask her Daddy if she can do this or go where. And everytime my husband pass the message to me till I said yes( 99% time I say yes because I want them to have some social life or have fun with their friends) then he pass the message back to her till last night I can not take it anmore so I asked my husband who do you think I am her in the house? Cooker? Laudry lady? or Mom? Why she can not ask both of us during the dinner time when we sit at the same table? If you think I am one of the parent, you should respect my role in all the place not leave me out when you need some permition which you know you should have me involved. Just feel everytime the kid is doing something wrong, my husband can not realize it and he just let it to be happened again & again.

Also I want to ask everyone here, if the situation like this, shall I just give up to let her to be whatever she wants to or I should stress my "mom"'s position in the house? I am confusing and feel tired to deal with such kind of kid. So difficult, nomatter what you did or how you take care of her, she just to be like that. And my husband also does not work well in between of us. He is totally not a good communicator or good at handle the situation. Is it because of guy is like this??? So confusing.