Welcome - I wish you had chosen a blog instead of a forum so you could delete any rude comments - but feel free to flag them if you get some.

I did not have an affair with DH but I will say - if BM is crazy she would have gone crazy regardless of how you met DH. The affair just gives her more perceived justification.  My friend's husband had an affair and is now living with the woman, and her son visits them - but she's not crazy, so she's moved on, has a new partner of her own, and co-parents well with her ex-husband.  Very well.  So don't let anyone on here tell you that you "deserve it" or BM is justified in behaving badly forever just because you had an affair. Healthy people let it go and move on, for the sake of their kids (and themselves).

Yes, it was wrong and you know it - but it doesn't give BM license to be a crazy b!tch forever.

I'm a fence sitter on this issue.  As a cuckolded man in my first marriage I have zero tolerance for cheaters.

My XW was a cavern crotched adulterous whore who cheated for nearly our entire blessedly short non breeding 2.5 year marriage.

Had we had children they would be kept fully and continuously abreast of the facts of their whore mother's adulterous escapades.  Fortunately I did not pollute my gene pool by spawning with that whore.

The beauty of facts is that they are neither good nore bad, they are merely facts and they remain facts regardless of what transpires following the events that created the facts.

In the case of my SS's biodad, he cheated on my DW the whole time she was pregnant with SS and for the first year of SS's life until my DW booted his ass, graduated from HS and left the state for university studies taking SS with her.  As a single teen mom she was awarded full physical and legal custody.  There was no visitation ordered until the return to court when SS was 2yo.

The facts of his characterless crap were kept front and center.  SS was kept abreast of those facts any time the SpermIdiot pulled manipulative crap with SS.

A cheater who is also a parent should not be allowed to avoid the consequences of their actions even with their children.  They not only cheat on their spouse, they cheat on their children/family as well.

That said,  the cuckolded former spouse needs to be of sufficient character to not undermine the relationship between their children and their X.   It is a delicate balance to keep the kids fully informed of the facts in an age appropriate manner so that they are not easily manipulated by the characterless parent while not alienating the kids from the characterless parent and that half of the kid's blended family.

We struggled with this balance for the 16+ years we lived under a Custody/Visitation/Support CO.  It was not an easy balance to maintain but we did our best to prevent the SpermClan's  manipulation of SS while facilitating SS's visitation with his SpermClan.

Had either one of my parents cheated I would be hell on wheels as a Skid.  The cheating parent would know my scorn and their cheat partner would know it ten fold.

Good thing neither of my parents are cheaters.

Not personally but my receptionist is. She had her husband have been together for 32 years now but started as an affair when his kids were pre-teens. He had tried to leave his wife several times before an affair. She would get his whole family involved in crazy drama.

In the end, the kids still hate both of them. They have no contact allowed with grand children. One of the adult children is in prison for drugs and everyone in the family blames the "broken home".

I will say THEY are happy. Once the CS and alimony ended. Once the kids were grownups and they let go of trying so hard. Once they decided to just live their lives, they were/are happy. 

I know that seems like an eternity if you ha e a preschooler age SS. Giving up and letting go is something the DH and I struggle with in MAJOR ways and my SS is 15. So, I have no advice on how to do it. 

I will say I would just accept that you will always be a villain. You will always be the homewrecker. I would not ever expect to have joint birthday parties for the kid or even a civil relationship with BM. Let your husband handle all communication. Just be kind to the kid and focus on your life together. 

You were having an affair while the mum was either pregnant or had a newborn?

I had this happen to me when I was pregnant with a planned baby in a long term relationship with my first son and let me tell you it nearly ruined me and has affected me badly. People will say that people cheat because there is something wrong in the relationship, but this wasn't the case with me, I was just no longer fun for my ex while I was laid up in bed with morning sickness. You have a partner that bails when the going gets tough, be very careful!!

It is extremely difficult to be dumped with a newborn baby while your ex is living the highlife with his new partner when you had agreed to start a family together.

Luckily for me I met the love of my life after that shitty period in my life. My ex and I aren't high conflict but only because I refuse to have any contact with him at all, I will only speak about contact arrangements and that's it.  I have no respect for my ex and due to the way he behaved when I was pregnant not just the cheating other things I no longer believe a word he says.We parallel parent but he doesn't see our son a lot. I think you may have to wait along time before you can all get along

My opinion is people are unique, as are relationships, and people's responses to issues. 2 people can see a failed marriage completely different. Just depends on which side is telling the story. Same goes for human history.

Blame and guilt serves no purpose. Now is what matters and all involved should try live a healthy, strong, peaceful and good life regardless for self and kids. Heal and move on. Yes she may be a crazy BM, but she may have been no matter when you got together. This website is proof. Broken nuclear families are tough to navigate either way. 
 

ExH cheated on me and ended the marriage. He currently lives with the woman he cheated with. DS does not know and I would never tell him. Regardless of what happened in the marriage it was between adults and that is where it should stay. Unfortunately, not every woman thinks so.

ExH and I met 3 years after his break up with BM (who was cheating) but somehow tried to convience SD I was responsible for the break up even though BM was living with another man when I met exH. Crazy will be crazy no matter what - you cannot change others behaviors. 

Do your best to maintain dignity and civility. That is all you can do. 

Be prepared to have a difficult relationship with you step child. 

I knew my BM cheated on my father (with my step dad) and I hated them for it. My parents split when I was 5, it took until I was 14 to really reconnect with my BM. My relationship with my stepdad was standoffish until he got sick with cancer. By the time he died we were good. 

In a step setting it is so easy for the step parent to be blamed for everything but in the case of an affair, to a child, it really does make everything your fault. 

My SDs BM cheated, though my DH admits the relationship was dead long before that, it took him finding out about her cheating to end it because SD was under 1. SD will never hear from us that BM cheated because it could negatively impact her relationship with her BM. But when a BM is hurt or angry they never seem to think how things with influence their child so expect BM to tell your step child that DH cheated with you and you are the reason BM and DH arent together. 

And when kids from a prior marriage or relationship are involved, that adds more stress, and an affair adds even more stress.

It seems like you want to go forward no matter what, so I would  advise the following:

1.  Take with a a grain of salt whatever he says about his ex.  People in the middle of a divorce may present a one-sided version of the situation. He may want to look good to you, and present a biased report of issues.   Do not get involved, do not repeat his allegations.  Let him fight his battles.  I get it, you love him, but support him behind the scenes.

2.  Accept that it is his ex's right to ever forgive you.  Her timelime.  She may never speak to you.  If she is harrasing you, you do have the right get an order of protection, but try not to let it get there.  Do not text her.  Do not even give her your phone number. 

3.  Accept that his family, friends and business associates may regard you as the other woman, and not respect  you, expecially if a child is involved. It may not seem fair as he is equally or more quilty, but to many, they have good and bad feelings/memories of him, but their only contact with you is as the other woman.

4.  Even though you may think that he was only unfaithrful to his wife, the affair resulted in the destruction of the family home.   Children may resent that.  

5.  Extremely problematic is that you started a relationship with him before you could see him parent on his own.  You do not know how much he intends to lean on you to do his parenting.  You need a discussion on that.   His stb-ex may resent your trying to parent, and may take whatever legal action she can, including demanding ROFR ( Right of First Refusal), meaning that she does not want the kid with you if your Future DH is not home.   On the other hand, his stb-ex may just dump the kid on your FH and you.

6.  Money is frequently an issue.  You can see many posts on Steptalk about "Disney Dads" who feel gulty and spend money to reduce their guilt.   IMHO, this is likely to be worse with a guy who had an affair.  You should be prepared that he may want to provide more money on his kid than he is legally required to.  

I am unfortunately a stepmom from a relationship that began with an affair. Both my husband and myself were both with other people when we met… We did not meet intentionally but when we did the feelings were pretty much immediate and eventually became unavoidable. Neither of us were happy with our partners… I did not have kids so that made things a little more simple on my end but his situation was much more complicated. To those who say once a cheater always a cheater I have to disagree. Neither my spouse or I ever cheated on anyone before we met each other. We have been together now seven years and married 1 1/2. I feel pretty confident neither of us is cheating!!!
 

I understand what you are going through very very much. I won't lie… The first several years of our relationship were extremely difficult. I understood his exes anger to a point but it did get to a point where there had to be threats of getting police involved. She tried to poison the kids against their father but they also knew their mother did a lot to contribute to the eventual end of the marriage- I do not believe people get divorced ONLY because they cheated. There was a reason they cheated to begin with and it's not usually just because they want to be unfaithful. She actually cheated on him first but kids don't know that!! She would refer to me all the time as their father's whore and I truly believe the things she shared with them caused a lot of emotional long term damage. 

It has been a roller coaster from start to now  and while I feel the same as you… I would do things differently if I could it just didn't happen that way. That is life and I have learned that I don't have to keep punishing myself for this. I've paid my time.

Unfortunately it has eliminated a lot of the possibilities of all of us ever having joint occasions or being friendly… I can't be close with his daughter because there is always that underlining feeling that she looks at me as the girl who broke up mom and dad. A relationship that starts with an affair really does add a lot of other difficulties into a marriage. But, I am living proof that you can get through it and make it work in whatever way it works for you and your husband. You just have to be willing to except the extra issues you will run into. But, I am living proof that you can get through it and make it work in whatever way it works for you and your husband. You just have to be willing to except the extra issues you will run into. But I do believe if you truly love someone it can work! 
 

Best of luck to you! 

I think approching things with simple facts and an acceptance that people make mistakes and that no one is perfect is a good way to go. It is also important to acknoldege that when relationships breakdown because of affairs (or any other reason) then there is a problem with that relationship and those two people are incompatible and would be happier living their lives separately. 

Adults should not pass the pain and hurt that the end of a relationship can cause on to thier children and should try to help thier children to see thier relationship with the other parent as separate to the relationship between the parents. Heatlhy people know this and try to protect thier children. Unhealthy people spread their resentment and anger far and wide including to their children. 

My relationship with my husband overlapped with his relationship with BM at the begining, I would not say we had an affair as they were separated when we met but I know that attempts were made to mend their relationship in the few months after I met him but before we committed fully to each other. He was also legally married to her at the time I met him. I think that BM has told SD that we had an affair, but so far SD has not bought this up with either of us, though it could happen at some point. Right now (7 years later) SD and I have an ok relationship. She is 12 though and rapidly entering teen years, so it can be variable at times, but I feel that is normal for her age. 

Am I reading correctly that ss is 3 and the affair has started when she was pregnant?  My goodness, what a prize this man is to cheat on his pregnant wife then run off with his mistress after the kid is born.  I can't imagine what you see in him or how you feel your relationship has any stability.  DH sounds like the kind of man who runs when things get scary or tough. Wifey gained some weight, is moody, and doesn't want sex as much because she's pregnant...better get a mistress!  Can't handle full time parenting...better run off with the mistress.  

The fact that you knew his situation and moved in anyway speaks volumes to your character.  Be careful of the Karma bus. I'd advise not getting pregnant if you want to keep DH around.  This may come across as "harsh", but this ain't no bakery and it's really hard to sugar coat an ishy situation.  

financial infidelity (like unauthorized purchases, hiding money, driving spouse into debt etc), abuse both physical and verbal, and many other things. I am not sure why it is that cheating carries such weight as being the worst imaginable betrayal. There are several unforgiveable actions that can end a marriage; that is just one of them.

Oh boy. 

I almost can't wait until the loser biofather tells spoiled dogkicker SD that her mom left her daddy for me. I hope she runs at full speed to his house and stays. I'll pay the CS out of my own damn pocket. I'm tired of defending my own daughter, and soon my second child from SD.

I don't really care that my wife cheated on her ex to be with me, I don't really care about the stats involving cheaters, I care about my kids, and that's about it. The loser biodad (in between prison sentences) can only benefit me by breaking it to his kid.

I have no clue what this is the sin that gets most attention, there is abuse, neglect, lack of cherishing, lack of honoring....and HEY...just because you file for divorce doesn't mean you didn't break your marriage vows as much as the cheater.

In most marriage vows it claims fidelity till death do you part, not divorce.... 

When it comes to marriages that fall apart, NO SIN/FAULT is bigger then the other.   You have women/men that let themselves go, become slobs, lazy, petulent, demanding, cold, dismissive, withdrawn, deny intimacy, financially take advantage, emotionally or verbally abusive.  Doesn't mean those are less important then infidelity.

A crazy BM will be so regardless of the circumstance in which the marriage ended. 

The important thing IMO is to keep stuff like that away from kids ears as to not poison them againts the other parents/household.  My ex cheated-not the reason I left him...he was an abuser.  My kids didn't learn about the reasons the marriage fell apart until around ages 17-18 when I was asked.

I will tell you this, his cheating hurt me a million times less then his abuse...and I was the jealous type-maybe by then I had disengaged enough....but there are things in marriages that are ten times worse IMO.

Was his ex pregnant at the time? If the kid is 3 and all this drama went on for 3 years, then she was pregnant? Men who cheat on pregnant wives are the lowest of the low. I’ve met two men in my life who were actively looking fir a lover while their wives were pregnant (they obviously didn’t disclose to women they pursued that their wives were pregnant). One guy’s wife was actually on bed rest with difficult pregnancy when he pursued a friend of mine. Horrible people 

Ok, Ill weigh in. Although I can answer the original questions by OP - no I am definitely NOT a SM through infidelity, cheating was involved.

Our relationship, DH's and mine, began when he was first separate from Toxic Troll. We were friends for 1.5 years, during which he was "in transition" away from her. Translation - they were still physically intimate (ewe). She would be at his house baby sitting kiddos while he went out. She would steal key from Feral Forger who was 14-15 at this time, and hang out drinking his beer and whiskey. She would date other dudes too.

Dh told me that their relationship had always been volatile due to her "craziness" and excessive drinking. She was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive, and became more so during drinking binges. It all came to a head when at a party Toxic Troll was dancing with a guy, and she claimed that he grabbed her crotch. After that, a close friend of hers who also happened to be the fiance of this guy, told DH that Toxic Troll was online looking for guys and hookups, and had recieved many naked photos from these online guys.

Toxic Troll claimed to everyone and still does, that DH was abusive emotionally to her. He can be a little harsh. He would get on her case for her drinking. After he caught her texting, he moved her out of the house, into her own apartment. He paid for 1st and deposit. He moved her twice again after we had met. He would drop groceries off to help feed kids during her visitations. She would disappear for weeks at a time, going to meet different guys.Eventually she found one that stuck (guy) and we would all get together for kiddos bday parties. She told me that during a health issue DH didnt stand by her (this is AFTER separation!)  She has trash talked him to kids and to his own family. She taught the eldest to be JUST like her. Lies, false accusations, etc.

So - 1.5 years into our relationship shes happily living with new BF, and Dh finally tells her he is starting paperwork for divorce. She goes ballistic. Turns super ugly (uglier). She wants him to wait until 10-year mark. They were together 20 years, but married 9, separated 4 plus of that 9. She wanted to be at his level of social security benefites. I did some research and she could also file for spousal support in perpetuity.

THEN, a few years after divorce, we eloped. She went ballistic AGAIN. I guess my point is that although I am not the "other woman" technically, I have always been treated as the "other woman" by her.

She cheated, she was abusive, she is horrible and nasty. I cannot ever really talk about this to munchkin sd13. Dh has mentioned it to her when Toxic Troll got very nasty and abusive to him. She knows momee cheated. We just dont want to hurt kiddo. She will understand things with time.

Dh tells me that he is actually glad that she cheated, because it gave him a reason to get out, and break up the family. Being abused wasnt enough, its not seen as a "good enough reason to break up a family with children". But cheating is. There is still a lot of shame for men who are abused. Dh is a big burly man. Toxic Troll is a very large short woman. He does not talk about it.

I do. I wish more men would stand up and talk about it.

"Dh tells me that he is actually glad that she cheated, because it gave him a reason to get out, and break up the family. Being abused wasnt enough, its not seen as a "good enough reason to break up a family with chidren". But cheating is."

UGHHHH- bet he was Christian taught also.  This was my case as well.  My parents thought 'cheating' was ok to divorce for, not abuse.  I also waited until he cheated (didn't have concrete physical evidence though). I remember wanting him gone so bad I would hope/pray with all my might he WOULD cheat.  How effed up is that? lol

So I read the blog and wasn't fully sure where to put this...

I was cheated on.  I mean frankly I don't even hate him.  The whole situation sucked.. Yes I feel the betrayal, yes I have MAJOR trust issues now.  And i probably will for a while, because I have a LOT of healing to do.  But I don't think that kids should ever hear about that... I think all kids need in a divorce, is that they're still loved, it's not their fault, and both of the parents are going to continue to love and care for them.  There's NO REASON to tell the kids any of that.

No reason to fill them in on a lot of stuff.  H Never told the girls that Psycho cheated, and I'd NEVER tell them he cheated.

We're splitting up because between that and the other shit I'll NEVE be able to give trust back, but the basis is. Those aren't kid topics.  The kids don't need to know all the awful things the other parent did or is doing.

As for her, H gets with someone else. Sur eit would be upsetting to an extent, but on the other hand, I'd pity the s*** out of her. He cheated on me.  We're done anyways.  I KNOW he has the potential for that. Why be rude to someone you know is likely going to get their heart broken?

I'm not saying everyone cheats, though it's situational, crazy people tend to bring out the crazy after all. BUT, a lot of them now have the potential, and it's hard to know what they will or will not do at that point.  It's like a flip of a coin.