Where do I even put this?
This will be long and complicated. I'm sorry.
My husband and I have been together 11 years, married 5. In 2011 he had a 6 month long physical affair that resulted in pregnancy and gave me my stepdaughter.
Fast forward 7 years later. Her mother is deceased. We have full custody as of this summer. Our 9 year old daughter and my 7 year old SD fight. So much. I'm over it. I can't stand it anymore. They are biologically half sisters. I need a new approach to their bickering and constant back and forth squabbles.
Honestly, it comes from my SD more than anything. As an example, 9 y/o DD will ask her a question...SD will scream at her, "I don't know!!!" Or something similar and it just sets it off. She came from a very toxic home with 4 older brothers and a mentally unstable mother. I'm to the point where I might scream myself, but because of her original home life I definitely don't want to freak out in front of her.
She recognizes me as her mother now, so disengaging isn't an option, unfortunately. Tips for squabbling siblings close in age?
Also, has anyone here ever step-parented a child from an affair?
I cannot imagine what you've
I cannot imagine what you've been going through with this affair situation. That's heavy and a lot to deal with. It sounds like you've accepted a lot though. If your main question is how to keep the siblings from bickering then life can't be too bad.
If they're fighting, separate them into different rooms for a while so they can cool off. Tell them both they need to talk to each other respectfully and calmly. Use a ton of positive encouragement when you see favorable actions. Any time there's pleasant interactions from either of them, tell them how good of a job they're doing and how proud you are. It's important they're both treated equally, no matter how you feel about them. Kids pick up on whether one is favored and it can mess them up and make them worse.
It's also important to incorporate opportunities for them to bond and make positive memories together. Take them to places they'll both have fun, like a jungle gym or kids museum, have them build something together, cook with both of them, have them do puzzles, all while giving positive reinforcement.
You're a saint for accepting what your DH has done.
Firstly I take my hat off to
Firstly I take my hat off to you for still being there. I don't think your sitution is one I could have ever tolerated.
It's hard when you have 2 children close in age who squabble. Does DH step up to the mark to help or is it all left to you? You need really clear rules and boundaries in place, and clear consequences for unnacceptable behaviour. Don't ever fail to follow through with the consequences - and these need to be unpleasant enough to matter to the kids. Most children need structuure and boundaries to feel safe - it doesnn't sound as if SD came from that sort of background. You've only had her full tiime since the summer so it's likely to take a while for her to settle and respond.
Also try to take time to have fun with both of them equally . Praise for doing the right thing will go a long way. Do the girls have separate rooms so that they have their own space or are they sharing? Ideally they'll have their own rooms n which the other one is not allowedd unless invited.
Has SD been to therapy to deal with the loss of her mother?
Has your SD received any therapy to help her deal with the loss of her mother and to help her with her new living situation? I would think she might have a lot of anger over the changes in her life and it sounds like she is taking it out on your daughter. This has to be hard for everyone involved. I admire your strength!