I guess the question is, Can you live with this? If not, then you gotta fight for your position in your marriage.

The problem with us stepmothers is that we've been programmed to believe we are "wicked" if we do anything to make our darling stepchildren the least bit unhappy. But guess what? Some of these spoiled entitled brats NEED to be made unhappy. Wicked stepmothers might just be the best parents they have ever had.

Society in general needs to get over this child worship thing. In out home and marriage, if I'm not invited neither of us go. We are a pair... a team. We have set that precedent because down the road we don't want to run into the "You're not invited to graduation but Daddyyy is..." Or, "I want you at my wedding but not Katie Lee..." OH HELL NO.

If my husband wants me he's going to have to treat me with honor and respect just like he promised in his wedding vows. Otherwise, I will walk away. I am a damned good woman and he knows it. He does NOT want to lose me. Somehow you've got to make your husband see that you're worth keeping and worth treating like the #1 woman in his life. I could rant about this all day long. Gee whiz, what's wrong with these men???

I'm having a similar issue with my bf. I just don't get these parents who say "my kids will always come first." I hated seeing that on dating sites but now I know what it really means. Thanks for the warning! LOL

I ignored all the red flags in the beginning because other than the child and my bf's parenting, we are perfect for each other. It's just a matter of figuring out how much I'm willing to put up with and how much he is willing to change his behavior.

Are YOU getting a vacation with dh? Or is he taking her on the only vacation he gets? That matters a TON.

That seems... weird. I dunno, I suppose I could see some scenarios where DH and one of the SDs might go off without me. If they, say, wanted to go look at a college or something, I'd be fine with that. (I wouldn't *want* to go!) Maybe if they were going to some kid-centric thing that the girls had always loved but I don't (Girl Scouts camping or something). But if they were going on a beach vacation without me? And DH didn't so much as invite me? We would have words. They would not be words fit for little ears.

I'm sure someone else will suggest this as well, but search for "mini wife" on this site and I think you'll find an awful lot that looks familiar. Any child who would expect to go on a vacation alone with Daddy sounds like a mini wife to me.

I think you need to get a serious grip. He wants to spend one on one time with his DD, and I think that's great. You're worried he won't think about you when he's gone?? Yet he spends 99% of his time with you & YOUR kids?? What an odd thing to say. SD prob doesn't like you - she's at a weird age - I would have LOVED it if my dad had spent time with me like that when I was 15. When he got remarried I felt like his priority was his new family.

Sometimes it just doesn't always end up as "one big happy family", and the Brady Bunch was an delusional fantasy.

It sounds like your DH is suffering from major guilt...like so many divorced dads tend to be. Your DH also sounds like he lives in a little fear that his daughter may just walk out of his life

This combination of guilt about the divorce and how it effected the child and the constant fear your child will walk out of your life as soon as they can, makes many divorced dads cater to children like mad, ignore and even reward bad behavior. I know, I've had many years of living with it with DH.

If you add children to the mix who are aware of the guilt their father feels, and uses that to manipulate him and use his fear of losing them to control him, well, you have a husband who will fall over backwards for his kids, not discipline them, go out of his way to convince them they come before all else. The constant bowing down to their child/adult child, catering to their every whim, allowing all sorts of bad behavior including towards his spouse, makes it not too surprising that SM's feel they got the crappy end of the stick and their relationship is not a priority. If more SM's simply were able to understand the depth of guilt their DH feels, feel his fear/embarrassment/sadness, I think they would feel less angry/insecure in their relationships with their husbands

I've just returned from out west with my DH visiting his adult daughter. We had a wonderful time and all got along well, but still, I knew I would be on the back burner the whole time as DH couldn't do more for his daughter. He spent every single minute reminding her how much he loves her, how proud he is of her, how special she is, etc..of course all those things are true and I'm so, so happy DH and YSD could have that time and those discussions...but there is a desperateness about it that makes me sad - now that I understand it more. DH still feels very guilty about the effect his divorce had on his girls. Not seeing them every day. Missing things going on in their lives. When we returned home from our trip although we all had a fantastic time, DH was down almost to the point of tears. He says every day how much he is now missing YSD, but also how very bad he feels about the divorce, how difficult even now it is for him to live with it all. All that time with her on our trip, father/daughter discussions, just seemed to emphasize for DH that they didn't have enough of it while YSD was growing up

Rather than getting upset with DH and feeling this impacts us/our relationship, I've chosen to reassure DH as much as I can that no, he is a great father who loves his kids.

The worst enemy we as SM's have I think is a guilt-ridden daddy for our spouse. I think many SM's underestimate how deep this guilt can run and how desperate it can make these parents to prove they are loving, wonderful, "putting their kids first". We as SM's can easily misunderstand this for feeling less loved, or that we are second to all that.

I think the best thing we can do for all involved, is to help our DH's overcome the guilt, deal with the fear and move forward productively parenting their child and supporting their wives....

Guilt is a horrible thing

All I can suggest honey is try to understand it from your DH's perspective. It doesn't make what he is doing right, and it may not be helping his daughter one bit either, but when you know where it's coming from it helps you to deal with it better....

nice.............

This is the killer phraseology for me: ""for our upcoming holiday I just want to make sure that it is just you and I going, you say you want to spend quality time with me and in order to do that it just needs to be you and me." That is just so appallingly imperious to him and offensive to you. Clearly the BM is her ventriloquist. I had this sort of problem with my OSD too, demanding one-on-one even at the expense of her sibs. My own view on this is that you have to just let it go. If your DH does not find that sort of communication offensive, you will not persuade him otherwise. Let him take her away, waste his time and money and be rejected -- over and over again if necessary. It's only for one week per year. This too will pass and she will grow up and dump him except when he is needed to hand out the money. Until he himself is either so hurt that he drops the game, or gradually realizes what is going wrong, he will not alter his conduct. What you certainly need not believe is that when he is doing this he downgrades you. No, even though he is compartmentalizing his relationships, this one week away with one's child cannot possibly negate an adult relationship at your respective ages. For goodness' sake, many marriages involve spouses being away from each other for much longer periods of time without mishap. The issue is not the period of time for you, but that it is this girl. But to me one week per year of a husband being away just to spend time on his minor child, is not actually that big of a sacrifice from your pov, especially if you yourself are having a holiday with him afterward. If she used the week as a basis to make further inroads and demands, that would be another matter though.

Don't forget, if she has taken this line that she has to have him all to herself because she cannot stand being with you, this is actually a blessing in disguise. YOu will not get the problem that many of us have with entitled skids as they grow older, that they want to visit DH in our homes and even spend periods of time living with him as adults. Once she has drawn her line in the sand then she herself cannot cross it into your territory. Excellent for you and yours.