Stepdaughter and Boyfriend overnighting
Hi,
I am married 10 years ago to my husband and we have an 18 month old toddler. Before we met his ex wife and him divorced, due to her having an unplanned child with another guy while still being married. She was having an affair behind his back.It was not nice for anyone presumably and he had a daughter with her.
He left and stayed in the local area. However, he met me two years later and we quickly married and set up home in my city, which is a capital city. The mum remained in principal custody and chose to live with another man in a town that is very remote from our place, generally very remote anyway. For years, he drove a 6 hour round trip on fridays to pick her up and drop her back on sundays. I really probably tried too hard with the daughter, welcomed her into my home (dad lived wiith me) and bought her gifts, was loving and kind in all ways. I really tried to understand how hard the situation was for her. She was 10 at that stage when she met me. Now she is 18. Since then, over the years she caused me great stress and distress being like a spy on my home, snooping and stealing from me (lying about it too). She was rude at times and I could just see the hate in her eyes at times. I have found this whole experience so daunting and so many arguments have happened, due to the lack of boundaries. Eventually my husband would come to admit I was right about some things but went through hell and high water. Her mother was quitely working away in the background to attack us and bad mouth her dad and he regularly. The kid ended up being resentful and jealous etc. I went nacho one day, however I still try too hard when she comes over. I still cook and clean 3 meals a day (special ones), dote and stay around too much, so much so I get exhausted. And I ask myself why? I know she still DNGAF really. Since my son came, I have tried to focus on my life more and less on their drama. Their relationship is not great as she does not reply to communication from him for weeks sometimes and rarely contacts me. Only when she wants something from him or wants to visit the city to shop. She is now working and has a boyf so she really is busy with that and dad is now even more on the backburner.
Now she is 18 and my issue is, she is coming to the city for concerts or on holiday (airoort is close by), so evey time now she wants to bring her boyrfiend to stay. The holidays they stayed several overnights and we had to reshuffle the whole house. Baby goes off routine and wont nap as too much people around, they sit and watch netflix all day and night, bar going to the shopping mall which they dont have closeby in their own home. After everything I have been through I can barely cope with his daughter coming, as I know she does not care much about us, never contacts, never takes her brother anywhere but seems more than happy to use our home as a crash pad for shopping, being alone with BF and for other convienence. Although I get i have a SD and need to accomodate, I am not best pleased this lad is coming along every time. I think if she were interested in spending time with her dad or family then she should- she sees her boyfriend every day- they also work together. As I said, these people do nothing here, and I can see that she is just using. This is not about love or missing her dad, she is manipulative and cunning and often uses people for lifts to work and then complains about them when they do it for months and say they cannot do it any longer as she needs to get her own transport. I raise this with my husband and I get framed as the B*tch.
I appreciate this is also his home, but I do not feel compelled to take responsibility for her boyfriend as well, I can just about deal with her coming as I know she does not respect or like us. I am so tired of people only defending SK's. I get it, it was so hard, I spent many years trying to help her process this and was there for her, but I know deep down I need boundaries too and I don't want to readjust my whole life and my childs to accomodate this situation.
I get that it's frustrating
I get that it's frustrating having to deal with extra people in our home.. and having the BF come too every time must add an extra load.
How does your husband feel about it? is he ok or encouraging her to come and bring him?
I would also want to understand how often is this happening. Because if this is three or four times a year.. I might not be as inclined to make it a hill to die on.. if it's several times a month? yeah... I would probably have to address it.
One thing you could do is be less accomodating personally... your DH can feed them.. can re arrange the home and you can sit with your feet up... take the baby for a walk... or perhaps visit your sister or mom for example.
If this is happening often... more than a few times a year... it might be that you have the discussion with your DH.. maybe just his daughter would not be as disruptive.. and explain that issue to him.. when the BF comes.. it becomes a bigger deal since you need to find 2 separate bedrooms to put them in.. and could dad ask her to not bring him every time?
SD is treating her visits with her DF
As a resort stay ? 3 meals a day, maid service and boyfriend as entertainment. It's your DH show, its his DD. BUT, I woukd stop the meal service. Box cereal for Breakfast. DH is responsible for lunch sand dinner. Mickey D. For lunch. What ever DH does for dinner .
I'm in a similar boat. I have
I'm in a similar boat. I have had a rough history with my SS who just turned 19. He stays here every weekend, more if he could, and sometimes wants to bring friends over. Like your SD, SS is quite the user, and when he's here, he makes demands, doesn't do chores (much), and also takes up all the air in the room. My situation is slightly different because SS lived in our home first with both DH and BM, and then just with his dad for several years before I came along. SS still acts like I'm an interloper in HIS home, but I think that's starting to change.
When SS was 16, he had a GF, and it was very painful because then I had two in the home who actively disrespected me. The GF would not even acknowledge my presence when she was over. Literally, she would walk right past me to go to the bathroom or something, and completely ignore me. If I tried to greet her, she would grunt. I'm certain that SS tells all of his friends how evil I am. But I didn't think I had the right to bar them from being here, nor could I change their attitudes. They broke up before I had any solutions. Don't know what that would have been. But I do believe strongly that your and your toddler's comfort is as equally important as SD's if not more since your toddler is a dependent and SD is now an adult. Something that became very clear to me in this forum is that at 18, you become emancipated from your childhood home, not more entitled to it.
As for SS and his friends, the policy has been that SS cannot bring over friends when I'm here alone without DH. The rationale is that since SS has trouble listening to me, I can't take responsibility for him or his friends in my home. Would that help your situation at all?
Nope. GFs or BFs do not get to stay or visit without prior Okay.
Nope. GFs or BFs do not get to stay or visit without prior Okay.
No ask, then the answer is No!
"Hey, can BF come when I visit?" 2seconds, one sentence. No 2sec call or 30 character text or email then the answer is ... No!
Hey, Stepmum 1980,
Hey, Stepmum 1980,
You’ve written, … I still try too hard when she comes over. I still cook and clean 3 meals a day (special ones), dote and stay around too much, so much so I get exhausted….
and that is a big part of your upset and exhaustion when dealing with your inconsiderate SD and her BF. Stop that!
There is little point in complaining to your DH, since doing so will only serve to put him on the defensive and make you appear as ‘the bitch’. Your wisest course of action would be to completely ignore the couple (as your SD has ignored you for many moons) and let your DH cater to them. If you feel duty-bound to prepare meals, make it very basic (beans on toast comes to mind) with the excellent excuse that your responsibilities to your toddler now consume the majority of your time.
Hen, you are making Chez Stepmum 1980 far too attractive to those selfish, entitled teens! Forget the fatiguing preparations and the cooking; the more you practice disengaging, the easier it gets. And, your DH will have little to whinge about when your complaints are brought to a standstill.
You’ve developed a pattern of over-performing and doing so has only increased your SD’s contempt. With a little one now in the family, it’s time to break those old habits and free yourself from a lot of aggro. And, just think of the fun you’ll have, giving back some of the crap that little miss snot-nose has dished out for so long!
Agree with Grannyd above.
Agree with Grannyd above.
STOP being the maid, chef and red carpet roller-outter when they arrive.
Thats dh's job.
Now here is something you may not have considered.
What are your views on unmarried couples sleeping together in the same bed in your home?
You could say, NO sleep overs for unmarried couples we have young kids DH and "I" do not want them to think this is ok.
JMO and Good Luck.
Thumper, you've written;
Thumper, you've written;
What are your views on unmarried couples sleeping together in the same bed in your home?
Which is a very valid point. When DH and I were dating, despite the fact that we were in our late 30's, his mother did not allow us to share a bed without the sanctity of marriage.
That brand of sensible (and ethical) veto is all the more applicable to teens, who are less inclined than older couples to practice safe sex.