stepdaughters graduation
Can anyone help me out? Very long (13 years) history with crazy bio mom and manipulative family.
My husband (SD bio dad, obviously) has been thru alot. Bio mom is not stable. Just had 4th child to 4th different man - still married to last father of one of her kids - but separated, and is living with new baby's dad in a run down neighborhood, basically living off of welfare and child support for 3 other children. It really is a bad situation.
SD has had many issues in the past, last one being sexually groped by BM's BF (yes, the same one she had baby to). Long story short, we gained custody of SD for 1.5 years (1/09 - 8/10),but BM manipulated and promised SD that things would get better (this was around the time she purposely got PG) - and SD left our home to go back to live with BM. Courts awarded custody back with stipulation that BMs BF stayed away......(like that is happening). My husband forcefully gave up custody due to the fact that BM and BMs mother would interfere so much that it was affecting our current family status. They were making false accusations about our family to the court system. It had to be done. Custody was awarded back in October 2010. We've been through every judge in the system, this one - basically did not know the whole background.
Anyway - my husband is so distraught and depressed over the whole issue (me being upset over the child support we have to pay - >$500 / month) and BM continues to harrass him via text on whether or not he is attending her graduation next month. He is not responding to BMs texts, but continues to wait for his daughter to call him and invite him herself - he has not had any contact with her since 2 months ago. He repeatedly would send her messages via FBook and would try to call a # that BM provided for him - but she would never answer. So, he basically gave up.
We have done so much for this girl - I am a nurse, dad is a carpenter - Catholic, stable household, etc. But the hurt we both feel is indescribable. My husband was devastated when Children and Youth told him that his 15 year old daughter was inappropriately touched by BMs BF - as we suspected this 3 years prior and nothing was investigated. When the incident did happen, BM told SD to lie about it - until she broke her silence to a friends mom, who took appropriate action. The whole thing is sad and pathetic.
We have dealt with head lice on and off for 5 years, SD telling us all kinds of inappropriate things that went on at BMs house, the people that would stay, sleep in her bed, how she slept on the floor, BMs BF always getting drunk, threatening them with guns, failing grades, "no food" in the house, the list goes on and on. It's almost scary that those children are allowed to stay with BM - but the PA family court system stinks. We are at the point now, where we are counting down the days until SD turns 18 - and the child support will stop, and basically SD will be on her own. She hasn't treated her Dad as a "Dad". Has had zero contact with him. It's sad. My husband feels like he needs "peace of mind" to go to her graduation, even if no one acknowledges him being there, but he is torn. I feel bad and so much want to give my opinion, which is - DONT GO! - but I can't say that to him. It's his daughter. My feeling are hurt very much - I feel betrayed and like I lost a child.
So ~ with that being said, anyone have an opinion on what they would do? Thanks. Just joined this site and already starting to feel better.
I really think he should go.
I really think he should go. This is one of those events that happens once in a lifetime. He will seriously regret it if he doesn't go and no matter what the relationship is right now, he is the adult. The pain he will cause his daughter will be insurmountable. My x-husband didn't go to either of my girls' graduations. I can tell you from experience how that all worked out and what my girls still feel to this day about it.
So what if he does decide to
So what if he does decide to go and SD doesn't see him, because of the smothering from the mother and her family - or due to the # of grads and chaos, SD chooses to go with friends, etc. I really don't think my husband will choose to "hang around" because BM and family are vicious and just plain mean. I think if BM did see my husband there, and his BD didn't - she would tell her "see? your dad is a jerk - he didn't even show up for your grad".....she is very mean like that (very immature, I may add). But -
My husband says it's for his peace of mind - not to impress anyone. If he is acknowledged, then so be it. If he isn't, then he says - "oh well". He still doesn't know what he is going to do. BM is now texting (only texting, no one in that family knows how to pick up the phone) - and asking him if he is coming to her grad party - given by BMs family!!! I truly do not understand how her mind works - it's been like this for 13 years! My husband just laughs and says does she really think that I would want to be in the same room as those people? REally? But the text messages continue to flow........Countdown begins June 1st. Her 18th bday is the 24th......we are going to have a party of our own. Maybe we should invite them? Oh my, that was a joke! Hahaha.
Disagree. If your SD refuses
Disagree. If your SD refuses to be a part of your DH's life, there is nothing you can do. You can't MAKE her care about your DH. It sounds like your DH has done everything he reasonably can - ball is in SD's court.
Incidentally, this is a topic that is covered in "Divorce Poison," which says that rejected parents shouldn't "counter-reject" their children. I don't really look at it that way, at least based on the facts you presented. DH has tried to make contact, and SD won't have it. I would not view him avoiding the graduation as "counter-rejection. He doesn't have to be a glutton for punishment.
HE NEEDS TO GO: We will be
HE NEEDS TO GO:
We will be there Next year.... She is STILL HIS CHILD and you two are the most stable in her life.
He needs to show her HE STILL CARES AND LOVES HER.... LOVE CAN NEVER BE BROKEN. You should go with him to support him. It may be really hard for him, even if not acknowledged in any manner, she will know he is there, it may soften her heart, if not now, it will in the future. If he does not go, it will only add more scars. Trust me, I deal with kids that have gone through similar situations. Keep your faith, be there for her, she will need you and appreciate you. God Bless
I agree that he and you
I agree that he and you should go, even if it is just to see her in passing. She is 15 and very much affected by what is going on with her mother and yes, she's being a turd (to put it nicely) but that does not negate the fact that she is his child who needs to know her father cares...even if she doesn't accept it.
Until she is of legal age, I believe that a parent should at least show they care by showing up at milestones, even if the kid is an ungrateful creiton.
Fingers crossed, it will be appreciated down the road once she's away from her mothers control.
Good luck to you!