SD left home - had baby.....
So - haven't been on here for a while...but I' m frustrated and curious....my SD left our home (after we were granted "surprise custody" in 2009 (BM boyfriend supposedly "touched" her - long story). She was 15. After 17 bday, she decided to leave, go and live with a boy (2 years younger) in a low income housing project and get PG. Now, after almost 2 years of not talking to anyone in our family - her BD included - the baby has arrived and SD is texting pics to BD's phone.....BD (my husband) is torn. BD hates her BM. And believe me it is a strong HATE. My MIL is continually pressuring my husband to make amends...it's driving me crazy.
This SD has caused so much animosity among family members and almost broke up our marriage. Her BM stalked us, cried false accusations, took us to court every chance she got, etc. SD had learning problems, head lice for 5 years, unknown bruises, rashes, illnesses......this list is forever long. We did our best to try and patch up problems, to no avail. I was happy when SD left - there were no more problems for us to deal with and my husband decided to not fight for her anymore. Child support stopped (thank God - it was almost $550/month). Things became better between my husband and I. Now, the baby is here. I can almost feel the poision seething back into our home. I know this is my husbands BD - however, I do not want to be part of this. SD is living on welfare. Boyfriend (daddy of new baby) is only a senior in high school (SD is out of school - but has the literacy level of a 15 year old - she's now 19). They have no car and their low income housing project is 3 blocks away from our home!!!!
Can anyone give me advice?? How I should be reacting...how tolerant, or "supportive" I should be as a SM??? :?
How does your dh feel about
How does your dh feel about his daughter and grandchild?
AGREE! My FDH's 20 year old
AGREE! My FDH's 20 year old son just got his 17 year old gf pregnant. We won't be having a relationship with this baby. There are many reasons in our case, the main one being my FDH's son is a horrible person who is emotionally abusive to my FDH. Another reason: BM is as nuts as they come, and with her involved, we would not have a normal relationship anyway. We both work (unlike any of them) and live 45 minutes away, so our time would be limited. I think that when this baby is born we are going to get calls for one thing: cash. The gf's mom seems ok with letting them stay there-she can raise the baby, since she allowed them to share a bed. The son does not work, never has, refuses to. This baby really should be put up for adoption. I think the gf's mom has convinced them to keep it.
DO NOT allow your SD to move into your home. Once you do that, it will be impossible to get her to leave. She was the one who left, and made her decisions. I guarantee she is contacting your DH because she wants money. He needs to be cautious, and you should have a long talk with him about what his intentions are-you do not want your finances going to support SD and this baby.
I feel badly for this baby, but you have a right to peace in your life.
Send a congratulations card
Send a congratulations card and leave it at that. The less involved you and DH are the better IMHO. As much as you and he may want to rescue the GrandSkid the odds of being able to save the baby from the poluted end(s) of it's gene pool are so low as to be non existent.
We have this same struggle with my wife's brother and sister. They both have an oowl spawn and younger spawn born in wedlock or are expecting a younger in wedlock spawn. Neither my BIL1 nor my SIL can afford the first spawn they forced upon the world much less the 2nd spawn they have had or are working on. The same will apply to subsequent spawn I am sure.
My wife had SS-19 when she was 16. Even now nearly 20yrs after she had SS, the small town she grew up in is amazed that she does not have a half-a-dozen multiple baby daddy spawn as do . My DW went on to graduate with her HS class and to a BS and MBA with honors and is now a CPA. Two of her three younger sibs gain great pride in either not having an oowl spawn (though BIL1's first was conceived oowl) or not being a single TEEN mom though my SIL had her oldest child oowl when she was 20 and is now expecting her second with the same partner though they are now married.
Only BIL2 has his head on straight enough to not have children he can not afford and until he is married.
BIL1 and SIL break my DW's heart. She hoped that her her three younger sibs would learn from her own experience as a single teen mom. Fortunately for me my wife learned from her own experience. As for BIL1 and SIL ... you can't fix stupid and we quit trying many years ago.
All IMHO of course.
Hang in there.
Often the arrival of a baby
Often the arrival of a baby heralds a new era in family relations. The more successful SD feels as a mother, the more she will grow up. The great hope is that she will start making better decisions now that she is a mother.
I would say for you to maintain a cool distance, be supportive of your husband visiting her and enjoying his new grandbaby but if you do not wish to be involved there is no need for you to feel pressured to do so. Help your husband maintain a cool head and not start throwing tons of money and resources down the drain because of the baby. That needs to be approached very carefully, of course Grandpa is going to want to give the baby some presents but there is a difference between celebration and enablation. (Ok not a real word but you know what I mean).
Those two kids made their decision and they need to be held to those decisions even though life will now be more challenging for them.
I made it crystal clear, too.
I made it crystal clear, too. We would only be a source of money, and that is not going to happen.
I think this advise is worth
I think this advise is worth following:
"I would say for you to maintain a cool distance, be supportive of your husband visiting her and enjoying his new grandbaby but if you do not wish to be involved there is no need for you to feel pressured to do so. Help your husband maintain a cool head and not start throwing tons of money and resources down the drain because of the baby. That needs to be approached very carefully, of course Grandpa is going to want to give the baby some presents but there is a difference between celebration and enablation. (Ok not a real word but you know what I mean)". Quoting Rags above.