Stepfather seems to dislike stepdaughter... a lot.
Hello, I wasn't sure if this would fit in any other forum, as I am not a step parent.
Quick background: I'm 32, and when I was 4, my mother, divorced 2 years, remarried to my stepdad. My real father stopped visiting and eventually left for good, never to resurface, when I was 6. So, stepdad became Dad. Being so young, that was simple enough to accept, but... maybe only for me.
He was a good father, all things considered, but... he was very hard on us as kids, often blowing up over minor things and issuing 3-4 hour lectures over our faults. He was often hyper-critical, never giving instruction, only complaining when we failed at something. Regardless, we grew up okay, if a bit depressed and anxious, but once out of the house, my brother and I got over it and have functional, successful lives.
Dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, but more often than not, we get along ok now that I'm not around him so much. However, I am now working in the family business (owned by Mom), trying to take over as it's something I'm very passionate about. Things have been pretty good with Dad for the most part. Until recently...
I feel like the more he finds out about me, the less he likes me. I keep my opinions to myself, knowing better than to bring up anything personal at work. We don't have much interaction at work, but lately, the little we do have is getting more and more tense. To be blunt, I truly believe he kind of despises me. (sorry for sounding dramatic) He makes it very clear how much he dislikes people who hold certain beliefs and opinions. I didn't think he realized I'm one of those people, but I think he's figuring it out. The past year or so, he treats me like I'm an enemy. His moods fluctuate hourly and he is so proud that he refuses to acknowledge anything positive, just very very negative.
Sorry for the length, but I'm at my wits' end. He is a very good person, albeit a bit dramatic and harsh, but he means well. I've been dealing well with him, very patient, for two years, but lately I don't know what to do as it's getting worse. Should I just ignore his criticism and keep my head down and work hard? Do you think this will just get worse? perhaps I'm sending a bad message? I'd love to hear from stepdads with adult stepdaughters... what am I doing wrong?
Thank you in advance...
It sounds as if your dad can
It sounds as if your dad can tolerate you in extremely small doses, and wants to keep it that way.
Some people are just like
Some people are just like that, in all honesty. My own biological dad has nary a good thing to say to me, and often tries to force his own opinions on me if he finds mine to be different from his, politics, religion, life, the whole shebang. It started to get worse when I started to work for him a year and a half ago (he owns his own business).
I know he loves me. He just has no freakin' clue how to express it. Hypercritical, long lectures, expressing disappointment at every turn. This was the norm in my house. My mom balanced him out by offering us a lot of praise and explaining my dad's behavior to me and my sister whenever he would make us cry, but always made sure we respected what my dad doled out.
I learned not to talk to him about anything serious recently because one, or both of us always gets upset. Just small talk about the weather and what he's been up to has sufficed.
I think my dad is a cute, ornery little man. Big heart, just expresses it completely wrong.
I don't think it has much to do with being step or not.
Edit: Ask your mom for advice about dealing with him. I'm sure she has some. I've turned into my mom where I humor him and always agree with him but not actually do it. More often than not it's just pretending to agree with his opinions. Haha. My mom rolls her eyes when I tell her the odd things that he says and does and says "See what I've been dealing with all these years?!?"
Other than that, I rarely let him upset me anymore. Poor guy, he has few friends because of his thickheadedness but all of his friends are close.
I don't think this
I don't think this necessarily has anything to do with a step-father/step-daughter relationship.
It sounds like your SF is the kind of person who isn't going to sway his opinions for ANYONE. My father is exactly the same way as far as being moody, judgmental, negative...etc. Only he's worse than it sounds like your SF is (as in I'm often times GLAD that he wants nothing to do with me).
Don't let him get the better of you. Let his attitude & issues roll off your back. I know it hurts but if you let him bother you, you will be the one who is being hurt...not him.
I'm sorry...I do relate with your situation, really, I do!
This is so incredibly kind of
This is so incredibly kind of you... thank you.
Wow, I just want to thank you
Wow, I just want to thank you all so very much for all the compassion and kindness. I'm truly touched that strangers can offer so much sympathy and insight, it's so very kind of you all.
@stepmomma you've made my entire day. Thank you so much for the compassion... i've never really thought about it like that, but will have to give more consideration to the idea...
@deedeetx you're possibly quite right, i'm sure we just have a personality clash.. I know I try his patience!
@not2sure thank you thank you! how nice to hear that i'm not alone
that is so comforting..
@risingabove VERY wise words, thank you! I've talked to mom about this... we're both trying in small ways to work WITH the personality and not cause more friction... i will definitely give this some serious thought.
@olddart I will indeed watch this post
and i'll check out posts from Mr. Rags too, i would very much appreciate insight from the opposite side of my opinion. It is tricky to just see the one side and surely there's something can be done to make life easier on him. I am sure he simply distrusts me as an adult (i've changed a lot with college and life in general since i was a kid, of course.)
Thank you all so much, i really appreciate your advice and ideas. I"ve never discussed this before with anyone outside the family and it's refreshing to get outside impressions.
This is really helpful...
This is really helpful... Sometimes I forget that he's changed, but he really has. He's far better than when I was a kid, and it's hard to see that sometimes, but it's there. I'm trying to grow the business, fast, since I would like them to retire before they're in their 70s and slow down to enjoy life (and because their CONSTANT complaining about the business having no money drives me nuts. Now they have no basis for that complaint... which they're not used to. sigh...)
However, what I see as a normal and necessary pace of improvement and change must seem pretty radical to him. I'm sure he thinks I'm being reckless. I'll try to slow down a bit and show him I'm not crazy.
You do sound very much like Dad... it's like we just keep missing each other. So frustrating...
Thank you
Yeah, you're probably right
Yeah, you're probably right about that... I just really couldn't figure out any reason for this behavior and it struck me that maybe it's because he doesn't consider me as really his kid, and maybe that could be a reason for the basic dislike. (or what i perceive to be dislike)
I think I'll just lay low and see if he calms down about...whatever it is he's angry about...
thank you
Well, just last night my dad
Well, just last night my dad screamed at me for driving in the snow (are you trying to kill yourself?!? Use some damn common sense! What is wrong with you?) that basically brought me to tears. I'm in my twenties and married and my dad can still make me cry with his callousness.
Some men just don't know how to handle children. Hell, my dad doesn't know how to handle women in general so it's a wonder he even got married. He is so uncomfortable with complimenting me. I can remember exactly zero times. that wasn't brought on by guilt when he made me cry.
I wish my mom would get back from vacation soon because she can usually keep him in line... sigh. Seriously, some dads can just not know how to deal with daughters, biological or step.
Some bio parents are like
Some bio parents are like that too.