Stepping away.
After a few years of trying to do the best that I can I have decided to step back. HCBM continues to stalk me on social media. I reached out to SD16 for her birthday and didn't think I was overstepping. HCBM over reacted. I went to a stepmom group trying to comprehend why it had to be such a big problem. She joined the group and flipped her lid. She continues to believe and argue that I abuse her children. It doesn't matter what I tell her. It doesn't matter what my SO tells her.
I am going to start following NACHO stepparents for style and Grey Rock responses when met with any resistance. None of this is my SOs fault. He really only has control over what he does in response to HCBM. I can understand that he is trying not to lose his kids. I can respect that without losing myself. I can't control either of them. I can't make decisions for them. I can't make her respect me. I just want to be done with her trying to get in the middle of everything. Her behavior is not acceptable and I won't allow her to control my life or my house anymore.
Go for her throat. Nail her
Go for her throat. Nail her ass with defamation suits, an RO/PO, cease and desist orders, make her destruction your most active hobby. If your Skids cry that their mommy's fee fees are hurt, give the Skids the facts. Show them her toxic lying bullshit and keep them tuned with the facts. If she is playing this bullshit with you and your DH, she is lying her ass off to her kids. They need to know that mommy is full of shit, toxic, manipulative, and lacks character. They need the facts to learn to protect themselves from her bullshit.
We adopted this model during the 16+ years we lived under my SS's Custody/Visitation/Support order. We adopted it to protect him from the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool and their manipulative PASing bullshit. They were not the prototypical PAS squad as my DW was the CP. Even as the NCP half of the blended family equation with limited long distance visitation (7wks per year. 5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1Wk spring) they would fuck with my SS's head and do everything they could to PAS him against his mom and I and make him feal guilty about the CS they were COd to pay, the nice things that he had that his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs did not have, etc, etc, etc...
So, we destroyed them with every legal, financial, and social humiliation tool at our disposal. We kept SS abreast of the facts in an age appropriate manner any time they lied to him, tried to manipulate him, or make him feel guilty over some delusional infraction. He learned how to apply his own smell test to their bullshit and to shut them down any time they tried to play those games. He knew they were liars. They did not like that he knew they were full of shit. Once he aged out from under the CO when he turned 18 they continued to try to manipulate him into helping support the three younger SpermIdiot spawned half sibs. He had their number by then and kept them firmly in their place. They have made little effort to have a relationship with him as an adult. He calls them occasionally and will visit with them for a few hours if we are on a family vacation to SpermLand to visit my IL clan. He has put them far behind him as he lives an amazing life. Something they have never been able to comprehend. Their gene pool seems entirely incapable of understanding that effort and character matter and are the foundation of a wonderful and successful life. Our son gets it. They don't.
Do not rely on your DH to keep his poor choice of a failed family mate under control. You do it. Do it in ways that will send the clear message to anyone and everyone that you will not be fucked with.
Have fun!
There's really only so much
There's really only so much that I can do legally and it will just end up costing me in the end and it will do nothing to her. He'll change on his own or I'll move out when I'm financially ready to. Previously we had talked about buying a house. We've been talking about it since I gave birth over a year ago. Our plan had been to move out when our child was born. Didn't happen. We were waiting on building a case. A year rolled around. We are still struggling with lack of space. There's been a solid case for nearly a year now. Nothing has changed. We have enough money to either move or get a lawyer and he hasn't jumped on either. I'm getting to the end of my rope. I'm not willing to give up anymore of myself. Something needs to change and I'm stepping away from it all. If he doesn't want to do better by his family then I can't make him. There is a reason why he is divorced. She wasn't the only one with problems. I will not baby him. I do love him. Maybe I did love him enough to marry him. I don't know if I do now. I know I sound wishy washy. I didn't realize that I could burn out like this.
I am sorry that it has
I am sorry that it has progressed to this point for you.
Take car of you and your little one.
Good luck.
Stepping away is a good idea
Stepping away is a good idea - some people are always going to be looking for a fight. Your SO can wish SD Happy Birthday from both of you.
I always kept my SS21 at an arm's length because I knew BM would think I was overstepping no matter what I did. I'm always polite and pleasant to him, but I don't want any kind of real relationship with him.
BM is threatened by you, and I promise she will always find a way to make your life way more miserable than you can make hers, because she thrives on the drama.
She lives for the drama. I
She lives for the drama. I can't understand that. I'm so exhausted by it. It's hacking away at my relationship with SO and the relationship that I was trying to build with his kids.
Yes, that's her goal. And
Yes, that's her goal. And court action usually makes it even worse. All you and SO can do is set firm boundaries. Even then, kids are often sucked into the drama and lost. If he won't set boundaries, it's a losing battle.