My SS did the same thing - We offered to pay for the 1st 2 years if he'd go to a community college to get his feet wet but no he wanted to go away to school - ok it was a state school so we could help if we could but it was up to him. He did that for 2 years, kept trying to get us to co-sign loans for him which we refused to do - then after 2 years decides to go to a private university - again hits us up for loans to which we refuse because he's doing nothing to help himself. No job, BM pays nothing - she defrauded the state to get him free tuition by stating his parents made less than $60,000 which is a crock because I know what DH makes and she owned her own business at the time and was rolling in the dough plus she was covering the cost of his brand new car, insurance, gad, spending $$ and every electronic device he had to get his hands on.
Then he came to us for summer school and we were able to help out a little but then I found out that part of it was so he could study abroad for the summer, I almost fell out of my chair. He works 8 hours a week in the admin office, takes 12 hours of classes and goes out of town every weekend - I basically told him I'd help him if he got a job - a real job. He needed to learn to step up and start taking care of himself. I then went over all the student loans he has taken out - This kid is going to graduate with over $50,000 in student loans with a completly unmarketable degree in this economy. He thinks he doesn't have to pay them back until he can afford it.

Can you work up a spreadsheet showing the differences in costs and go over it with him and your DH? Show the cost of the loans over the 20 year payback period they set them up for
I swear I don't get people sometimes!

I think the 1/3 is reasonable-however I agree it should not be an obligation for any parent. No one is going to make me pay for my kids to go to college-why should someone be made to because they got a divorce? Ridiculous.

The thing about the 1/3 is that it is 1/3 AFTER grants and such-so your ss would actually have to finance 1/3 of his education himself. From what you describe the liklihood of that is slim if he is such a slug. And yes you should put conditions, if he is not passing then you should stop payment.

To me this is the ideal-but it depends on states and such. Even if there is nothing in the decree about college-if your state is one in which they define how college is handled she could always go back to pursue that-of course she has to realize that she is also putting herself and ss on the line for part of the payment in all liklihood as well.

"Future decision regarding the schools attended by the minor child shall be shared equally".

This does not mean that your husband necessarily has to pay 1/2. I would look at your state's statutes to see how college education costs are typically treated. There are states that can force parents to pay a portion of the cost. And there are states with statutes that prohibit a judge for forcing a parent to pay.

Heyyy Boo Boo!!! ( A little Yogi bear there)

Here's what we did here. First, DH and I set a limit of what our college contribution would be.

Then, we sat down with SD and BM here and laid out our plan (which we had formulted ahead of time, etc.) .... SD is responsible for 1/3... BM is responsible for 1/3 and DH is responsible for 1/3. However, DH's 1/3 is not to go above the set amount he and I discussed previously. Therefore, if SD picked a college where our 1/3 would be more, she was free to go there, but she would be responsible for picking up the overage.

Also, we took the 1/3's AFTER all grants scholarships, etc.

Come to find out that first year students can (should) really only take the $5,500 the government gives them as subsidized and unsubsidized. So that changed it a bit. We are having SD take out her $5500 and we are encouraging her to get work study. One college even offered her a community service scholarship of $2500 per year as long as she completes 300 hours of community service a year! So that's her portion. DH and BM are then splitting the remaining 50/50.

I think the most important thing you can do is to set up your amount that you are willing to pay and then go from there.

Hugs - this has been quite the process. Don't let BM or SS bully you into more than you can afford. One thing to remind them of is that tuition is not the be-all end-all. There are books, trips, getting home (!) and other costs that come up. So everyone needs to be comfortable with their number.

BooBoo OMG were you listening in on me talking to myself in the shower this morning! My SS18 is your SS's TWIN! 18, NEVER had a job, graduates this June. Sleeps, eats, plays basketball ALL DAY long. Goes to school because he has no choice. Is passing JUST BARELY because I ride him like a freight train. Does his laundry and then throws it all in a pillowcase at the bottom of the closet so whilst the clothes is clean it looks as if he just pulled it out of a dogs stomach and threw it on his body. Planning to go to Community College, but BM plays the POOR card and will not contribute one red cent. I want him to apply for student loans so that if he decides he wants to BOMB college he can do it on his dime and not on mine & DH's. My thought process is if he actually goes to school and gets an Associates we will help him pay off the loans.
I am sticking to my guns on this one and not letting my DH get himself in more debt over this kid. We support him 100% the BM does not give us any CS and she does not help with anything except for his cellphone. Because when his dad wanted me to add SS to our family plan I said NO WAY. He wants to be on our plan he needs to pay for his portion like MY BS22 does! The kid wants a car too! Last night I said "No job? No car!" He must really think we're stupid...

I also don't understand what it is with all these children of divorce (TM) being provided with free higher education because a court or congress says that is the way it should be.

I am 40. I have two degrees. My parents have been married my entire life. I took out student loans and worked. I did not expect them to fund my education for me! I am still paying off my student loans!

When I mentioned to my father that I felt guilty that I wasn't helping DS with his college, my father said, "I think it is more of a priority for you to get your OWN student loans paid for first!"

Can you imagine? At $16 per, you'd owe $60,000 when/if he graduated...I swear these BMs are delusional. All the suggestions about were good. I did it like Stick with my two DDs and it worked great. Both have degrees and are gainfully employed and take care of themselves.

Parents who are not divorced/still married are not ordered to pay for college so why should divorced parents?
Most states have done away with this because of my first statement.

Ihad to get my own loans and my mom and dad are still married.
My DH went to the military and got gi bill and student loans and his parents are still married.

So these kids of divorced parents can do the same or the person getting support should put a small portion in savings.

This is what we do.
I put $50 per month from cs in a savings for my kids who live with us.
Beyond that we told my biokids and my step kids that they better:

1. Get good grades
2. Be good at sports or choir or band etc etc.
3. Join the military like DH did
4. Get loans like we did
5. Waitress or get a work-study job
And we will help with books.
And, I'll cook for them, do their laundry and whatever else if they go to community college for first two years. (another thing DH and I did)

No wonder why these kids end up being helpless losers and sleeping on mama n papas couch at age 40!

I paid my own way through a state university and law school, working up to four jobs at a time and maxing scholarships, grants and loans. After leaving home at 16. I teach graduate school now & yes the new generation IS the entitlement generation. It makes me insane. If SS wants to go to school badly enough, he'll find a way. If he wanted it that badly, he should have shown some motivation before now. My SS13 and SD11 already know their role in getting ready for college. I think the community college approach sounds like more than enough in your SS's circumstances. I LOVE the pay for performance idea!

Sounds to me that your DH and BM need to meet common ground on where your SS will be going to school and then split the costs that way. Of course it is probably too late to do that now, but since she went out of way and enrolled him without a say to your DH I don't think he should be obligated to pay for half seeing how she did not meet the requirements on the divorce decree to begin with!

BooBoo - I swear to God we have the same story - I am not sure what state you live in but if the CS ends at 18 or when he finishes high school and if there is nothing in the will then you are not on the hook for anything -

My DH is actually going to visit SS (who is smart but lazy and refuses to get a job) at Easter and lay it on the line - last Summer SS told us the college he wants to go to (read that as his bitchy mother wants him to go to - to look important but has told him she cannot afford to pay a dime towards his college and that we would be paying it - luckily there is nothing in the divorce decree) his school is $55,000 a year after scholarships and such it would be about $18,000 a year so we asked SS if he wanted to be in at least $80,000 debt when he graduates (mind you he has no idea what he wants to be at all - my DH suggested something that would fit him to a T and he would like it but BM found out that DH suggested it and said no way - I also suggested something that he would make good money and would enjoy and BM was on board until she found out it was I who suggested it and then all of a sudden that idea was horrible too - I really wish she would start loving her child more than she hates her ex) -

We put it out there last August in plain language what we would be able to afford - and that is on the condition that we have not lost our jobs or some crisis has not come up that would put us into debt if we paid for his school (I paid for my own) and told SS this is the amount now you can go to your mother and decide where you want to go but this is what we are paying and you need to come up with the rest. He got very angry with us but I really don't give a sh*t - Dh is 8 years away from retiring and I am not working until I am 80 so that SS who refuses to work can go to an Ivy League School so that his mother can f*cking brag about something that she has no plans on helping to pay with -

I think we all forget that someday we are going to have to retire and in 2037 Social Security as we know it will be gone - so tell your DH that he can help pay but someday when there is no food on the table or a roof over your heads because you had to pay for this college or you are working until you are 75 - it is not a pretty picture and we also need to look out for ourselves - the world has changed so much and with housing prices going down and people losing jobs and having to start over and using up their savings everyone's retirement is not what it used to be - so just explain that to him -

Also have DH tell your BM to bring it on as long as you don't live in one of those states that make you pay till the kid is 21 you should be okay - and check with a lawyer if you have to - but it sounds like from her reactions to you all talking about the Divorce decree she knows she does not have a leg to stand on - no judge is going to make you pay for college if DH did not agree to it - our BM tried to get our DH to pay for college and have a million dollar life insurance policy in her name and he told her to go scratch that is what Social security is for in case he would die - so stand your ground and do what you can - will not hurt SS to work for things or have a student loan if that is what he chooses to do.

Funny just last night my DH said to me that "BM is setting SS up to fail because she is treating him like he is privileged and comes from money and SS doesn't we don't have a ton and BM has even less so she is doing him a real disservice by not making him work"

DIVORCE is divorce...seperation has occured...and once them kids turn 18 biological divorced parents are exempt from being directed to pay things they do not want to pay for.

If my husband came to me requesting money for his kids college...I'm outta here...not going to work to pay for them who don't like me and refuse to live with us and prefer to misbehave every time they are around us.

If psycho BM wants to pay...go ahead!! Don't dsend us the bill for anything or ill shoot her!!!

Divorce decrees sometimes put parents on the hook until the child finishes high school, regardless of age. They can also require parents to fund college if the parents agreed to it (or a judge ordered it in a state where that authority exists) in the decree. It's all about what's in the decree. There is not necessarily a magic 18 cutoff date. There might be. That's why you have to read your divorce decree carefully and consult your family lawyer (or become skilled at researching applicable statutes online). I would be surprised if a judge would order college funding after the fact, after a child is 18, where a decree is silent. Boo Boo's DH has the advantage of wording that suggests that college was foreseeable and it doesn't sound like financial support was ordered. The decree appears to say only that the decision as to which college he attends is shared equally. A family law attorney can tell you what a judge is likely to do if there is a request for modification at this period of time. A one-hour consult for $100 with a family law attorney can be well worth it.

Hold on a sec.. as far as college goes I thought even 18 year olds have to show proof of both parents income?? Unless of course they have a child of their own. Isn't there an age cut off like 23 or something??

yes they have to show parents income but all they ahve to say is that parents not paying. Why they have to show it I don't know but I am going trough it wth my dd right now.

Okay found this on FAFSA.gov

Under Federal law your family is primarily responsible -to the extent they are able- for paying for your college expenses. To determine how much your family can afford to pay towards your college expenses, we must collect your financial information, and, if you are a dependent student, we must also collect your parents' financial information.

If you can answer No to all of the following questions, you are considered a dependent student on the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA):

•Were you born before January 1, 1988?
•As of today are you married?
•At the beginning of the 2011-2012 school year, will you be working on a master's or doctorate program (such as an MA, MBA, MD, JD, PhD, EdD, or graduate certificate, etc.)?
•Are you currently serving on active duty in the U.S. Armed Forces for purposes other than training?
•Are you a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces?
•Do you have children who will receive more than half of their support from you between July 1, 2011 and June 30, 2012?
•Do you have dependents (other than your children or spouse) who live with you and who receive more than half of their support from you, now and through June 30, 2012?
•At any time since you turned age 13, were both your parents deceased, were you in foster care or were you a dependent or ward of the court?
•As determined by a court in your state of legal residence, are you or were you an emancipated minor?
•As determined by a court in your state of legal residence, are you or were you in legal guardianship?
•At any time on or after July 1, 2010, did your high school or school district homeless liaison determine that you were an unaccompanied youth who was homeless?
•At any time on or after July 1, 2010, did the director of an emergency shelter or transitional housing program funded by the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development determine that you were an unaccompanied youth who was homeless?
•At any time on or after July 1, 2010, did the director of a runaway or homeless youth basic center or transitional living program determine that you were an unaccompanied youth who was homeless or were self-supporting and at risk of being homeless?
If you are considered a dependent student, your parents must answer the parental questions on the FAFSA.

If you can answer Yes to any of the questions above, you are considered an independent student and information about your parents is not required on the FAFSA .

Note: Health profession students may be required to provide parental information regardless of their dependency status.

If you have a special circumstance that prevents you from providing parental information you may be able to submit your FAFSA. However, your FAFSA will be incomplete. You must contact the financial office at your college and provide them with documentation to verify your situation.

My oldest son graduated college in December. Over the past four years my xh and I have each contributed a couple thousand a year to help him. He has worked 20hrs per week during school and 60hrs summers and breaks. He learned to live cheap. Lived in a frat house all four years. He worked hard to earn and keep several academic and service based scholarships, took out a few small private loans through rotary and lodge and local womens club and church, and the rest of his tuition at a private college was pd w student loans. He graduated about $50k in debt. His grad gift from me was $10k.

Each of my kids know it's their responsibility to fund their education and UPON GRADUATION mom will kick in a big chunk to help them start their life out of school.

No cap and gown pic with momma, no check.

Skids get 1/3 of their total college expense including room and board, which includes rent and utilities for sd26 and her HUSBAND while in school, from dh. Bm is supposed to pay 1/3, no way she will ever pay it. Dh still pays ss22 car insurance and part of his rent and his car repairs... Has pd car INS for all three of his kids since age 15... On top of cs and gifting cars... It's not fair but here's the equalizer in my back pocket... Skids may get all that stuff but my kids weddings will be fantastic.

Boo-Boo, that's great information! I'm sorry that the issue continues for you but it sounds like you have some good ground to stand on. Best wishes in getting a reasonable resolution.

For those who are interested I did a quick google search and found this list of all of the states and the child support obligation that may exist after 18 or for college:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/childsupportresources/a/childsupportc...

Don't assume this list is absolutely correct, you'll need an attorney to verify. Use it as a starting point. And check the language of those decrees! It is good to know what obligations might apply in the future so you can start planning.