They did not invite you; therefore, there is no invitation to decline.

I believe it is up to you as to whether or not you want to go. It is going to have to be about your comfort level. There could be arguments supporting you go and arguments supporting you do not go. I would stick with what feels best to you. In a way, I suppose I would think: GO! Do not let them take control. On the other hand, if you feel like crap as a result, not good.

It is unbelievably rude of them to not include you on the invitation. I was excluded from my husband's daughters wedding when we were engaged. Imagine how I felt when he wanted to include her by invitation to our wedding? Not so good.

He gets it now...she was awfully rude. I am sure the stepson has many excuses. There are none good enough for this. I am sure your feeling is absolutely the truth - that he wants to pretend his parents are married.

This is an indicator or more exclusions to come, by the way.

Ideally, your husband would tell his son, "If you do not invite my wife, I will not accept the invitation." Ideally, if the son tested him on this, your husband would follow through and not attend also.

My husband has since informed his oldest daughter of this invitation requirement. He has not seen her in over a year. She lives an hour or so away. Neither of us have regrets about this.

Ideally, your husband would tell his son, "If you do not invite my wife, I will not accept the invitation." Ideally, if the son tested him on this, your husband would follow through and not attend also.

^^^^^^^^^This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My FDH would not stand for this. He would sit four rows back from his ex right next to me. He would also switch one of the names on the table at the reception so that he could put his little name tage next to mine and sit right next to me.

This is absured and I would not tolerate it.

That is offensive. It is inappropriate that they have done this.
I hope none of your money or communal funds are being contributed to this fiasco.

I wouldn't go and I certainly wouldn't contribute funds. And shame on your husband for not handling this better.

It sounds like that, on an intrinsic level, you don't really care about going. If that is the case, I say "F***-em!" Let your husband go, and you take a nice weekend trip for yourself.

However, if you really have your heart set on going (as a step-parent, it is hard to imagine that you would), that would be a different conversation. An ultimatum would really be the only approach - your DH says "My wife is included, or I won't come." Of course, as others have noted, there can be a lot of stress when ultimatums are introduced into the situation. Lots of hurt feelings, your DH doesn't see his kids any more, etc.

You have to pick your battles. Unless it is REALLY important for you to go, and be included in the traditional activities, then I wouldn't go. And I also wouldn't get a gift for him either. Just sayin'.

Here is what I did when I married DH.

I talked with my pastor and wedding planner about seating arrangements and asked if we could work something out where my stepdad sat next to my mom, and where my stepmother sat next to my dad. We did. They both sat on opposite sides of the row from each other, but my stepdad sat next to my mom. My stepmother didn't come, by her own choice. But I could sleep better knowing I didn't hurt my dad's feelings by doing anything to exclude her.

There may not be any official etiquette on this but your SS and his fiancee are being terribly rude. They wouldn't like it if they were asked to sit apart at someone's wedding (or any other function). Yes, it's their wedding, but that doesn't give them the right to be a$$holes.

It is rude of the stepson to invite you and expect you to not sit/be with your husband. That is as rude as it gets. If my husband dared to go to his kid's wedding leaving me sitting 4 rows back and in a different table, that would be the end for me.

PS - by the way, a wedding is a FAMILY celebration...if you are not considered family for a wedding, let it be a reminder when the holidays come and let it be a reminder that the gift should be crap!

The true purpose of etiquette is to make all people as comfortable as possible in a given social situation - not bash people over the head. Expecting a married couple to be separated throughout the entire evening does not accomplish that for anyone other than a bitter BM and will be confusing for guests who will be wondering who this poor woman is sitting by herself.

Creating this issue and attempting to justify it by calling it "etiquette" is childish in the extreme. It is up to your DH to put his foot down and demand that everyone - particularly the 2 people who claim to be mature enough to be getting married! - act like adults and recognize reality.

Hmmm...this is an interesting one but I think not going will make you feel more seperated and bitter. I dont think our world runs on any etiquette these days so that is just a load of crap that is being said just because Bm can't handle you are married to DH. I think it is up to DH to say we are coming and we will be together at the wedding. This is the reality...faking it for the night will just make it uncomfortable for everyone and maybe even create an issue at SS wedding god forbid!! Eat, drink, be merry and enjoy the money you have spent. Maybe easier said than done but go for you.... Not them. If DH can't stand up to his son and say no we will sit together, I question why he remarried. I can kind of understand SS sticking up for Bm so DH needs to be the one to stand up to them. Good luck.

Hi H williams

I absolutely would not attend a wedding (step kid or otherwise) where I am not allowed to sit next to my husband. I would not play along with this ACT of the ex and hubby still, kinda , sorta are still together. His kids are adults and frankly even if they were younger I would not tolerate it and would be upset at my spouse if he went along with it. Like Tartsy said, if you allow it, it will never end no matter how great of a relationship you think you have with Stepson- which brings up another Step point, it sound as if you and stepson have vacationed and seemingly had a great relationship, so I am confused why he would do something so degrading to you??? I think it proves once again that no matter how you try to appease steps and no matter how much they seem to like the step parent...they can always manage a step jab when everything is said and done.

I sincerely wish you Good luck in your decision BTW

Whateva

I can see the reluctance to have you on the wedding invitation as a host of the wedding. You have only been a part of the family for a short time, compared to the years that his birth parent have. If you had helped to raise your ss, that would be one thing. But you showed up on the scene after he was grown. So I can see how they would only put the bio parents on the invitation as hosting.

As for the seating arraingement, that's not ok. You are together and should sit together. Either add you to the "family table" or have Dh sit with you at your table. As for pictures, I think some with just the bio parents is fine, but if you want some of you and dh with the bride and groom then I think you should speak up. The photographer is paid by the hour, so a few extra pics aren't a big deal if you and Dh want some with you included.

i would like to know how the conversation goes with your DH and how he responds. i'm floored that there is an etiquette guide that would suggest such an insulting act. it seems it would create more discomfort. i know my DH would HATE to have to sit next to BM and chat it up with her while I sat elsewhere. it's crazy and DH would not tolerate it.

Don't you ladies get sick & tired of being told to be nice and play along?! I know I do. You know what HWilliams, don't go to the stupid wedding if that's how your DH is going to "have your back". Act like you don't even care.

They were happy to take your money, but not happy to even have you at the rehersal dinner, want you to sit 4 rows behind your husband at the ceremony and have told you, you will not be part of family photos, this is so rude and so wrong, who are they pretending to, her parents, family members, friends, doesn't really matter does it. This is plain rude and I would not go.

The reason I would not go, is for years I took this crap and it has now come to the point where I have banned SD from my home and it is forever, now DH does not see his kids or grandkids. So learn from my mistakes, do not take it the first time, because if you accept this insult the first time and go along to please your DH or SS they will take you for a fool, and this will be the first of many events you are going to be excluded from.

My DH like yours wanted me to go along with this sort of crap, and for his sake I did. Well as I said above the result was disastrous. They got away with excluding me once and they just abused me and excluded me from there on in.

The problem is not BM, SS or his fiance. Because it does not matter who wants this, it is your DH's responsibility and duty to you his wife to stand up for you against his family and say to them, my wife would be insulted and humilated by this and I will not allow it. He should also tell him he thought that he had brought them up to have better manners than this. He should tell them in no uncertain terms you will be attending the wedding as HIS WIFE, you WILL BE at the reharsal dinner and you will be seated next to him. If he doesn't and you attend to keep the peace, you will find yourself being excluded from the birth of their first child, the child's Christening (whatever), the child's first birthday, graduations and any other event that are tradionally seen as mum and dad events to be celebrated with kids. I cannot believe how often this problem come sup on this site. It is never acceptable under any circumstances for the husband/wife's family to exclude the new partner.

No one here not BM, not SS, not SS girlfriend and most importantly DH has shown one ounce of respect for your or your feelings, so that should be a good indication to you as to how you are going to be treated at future "family" events, you are going to be treated as "not being part of the family" however, SS's wife, well, she will absolutely be included as a family member in your family with DH and in BMs family, and God help you if you say that they are not welcome to some event of yours.

Stop this and stop it now, it will only get worse.

I would reverse it on him and ask him how would he feel if he was invited to a wedding and his wife is supposed to sit 4 rows behind him and they were separated the whole time? How would he handle that? How would he feel how does he think his wife would feel? Put him of the spot like that and see what he says. I bet he wouldn't like it very much by not being able to sit with his wife or have her not be in pictures or even attend a dinner and she was expected to be excluded.

This is rude and he knows it he is testing the waters to see how far he can push his dad with his new step mom to see how much he can pretend she doesn't exist. It is up your dh to put his foot down and let his son know that he want all he wants but he will not allow his wife to be treated that as she is a part of him now and that will not change. If your dh doesn't step up for his wife (as you are the one thing he has left b/c his kids are grown) then he is not living up to his vows. If he allows his kids to disrespect you like that I would reconsider why you are with him.

Etiquette is in modern times just an excuse to be rude and selfish. Your SS is a grown man, about to be married. He doesn't get to pretend mummy and daddy are still together at this age. When the parents are divorced and with other partners the bridal table should consist of bride, groom. Matron of honor, best man bridesmaids and groomsman.

Then you and your husband could be seated at another table with family and friends as could BM. Taking your money and separating you from dhis not etiquette. It's bad manners.

Here it is 2015, and yes I do still see crud posted on so-called etiquette sites like, "Once again, the bride has the last say, but typically the stepmother should sit in the third row behind the biological parents." Here is a quote from a bride herself: "First of all, as a bride, I don't want to celebrate MARRIAGE by requiring married people to not be with their spouse. Who does that???" I also don't get the whole, "It's my day" attitude with brides. That's not a free pass to insult people. As soon as you invite other people, a wedding is no longer just about you. You are hosting an event and that comes with certain responsibilities and social conventions. And, if dad is contributing to the wedding, so is stepmom. Whatever money dad contributes, both stepmom and dad will have to make up for by eating less that month, etc. They are a married couple, and their incomes are combined, just like the bride and grooms will be after they are married. Stepmom should be treated like dad’s spouse, because that is precisely what she is. And unless the bride and groom are planning on separating everyone from their spouses at their wedding, dad and stepmom are a packaged deal and should stay together just like any other married couple. Good news, though, I have actually seen, yes even on some etiquette sites, the mantra now being you DO keep married couples together. To me having the step-mom (and usually it is the step-mom and not the step-dad) sit on row 3 is a leftover from the turn of the century, and not from the 2000's from the 1900s.

I have never heard of such poor etiquette. You are MARRIED to your husband. Of course you should be on the invite, sit with him,be at the rehearsal dinner. If your husband doesn't set them straight about how this works, he's in the wrong too. Never heard of such a thing, especially since you say you get along?

I cannot imagine asking my dad, who paid for our entire wedding, to sit with my mom and not his wife! Both my parents walked me down the aisle. Mom sat in front row and dad and his wife sat in 2nd row. There were no photo of my dad and mom together. Anyone who is old enough to be married should understand what divorce means. While it's great to be civil and even friendly with an ex, there no need to play house and pretend they're married.

“Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated." This is a quote I saw on someone else’s blog. I agree with you to the max, HWilliams9, on so many different levels. You are not out of line. My experiences are somewhat different than yours in that you are wise to already suspect what you are in for ahead of time. I was not. I went to my step-daughter’s wedding all excited, happy, and joyful and then got my soul absolutely crushed when the entire wedding party all seemed to be in some kind of conspiracy (it sure felt that way!) to keep my husband from me at all times. Still trying to get over that, and I don’t think I ever will. Before hand, I thought we all got along great. Dad and I had been married for years. I absolutely did not see “pretend like you don’t exist” coming at all. You are right to suspect that is indeed the case/what you are in for. After that, I’m all but certain I will not be going to my stepson’s wedding, now coming up a little over a year later. I have my own conspiracy theory, and that is that wedding planners instigate this so they can get their big tip from the bride/groom for giving them their fantasy day, complete with mommy and daddy still being married. If any, any etiquette, planner, etc. supports splitting up a married couple for a bride and groom’s wedding day, then how hypocritical can you get—yes, let’s celebrate one marriage by pretending another one doesn’t exist. Hubby getting Shanghaied is so common, any stepmother should anticipate this will occur, especially when bio-mom isn’t hitched. You were somewhat lucky in that you were at least given the decency of a heads-up ahead of time. Your husband will be treated as someone else’s husband. And, you will be treated like you don’t exist. All attending the show are expected to go along with this. WHY in Heaven’s name would any stepmom want to go to an event where she will be treated like that! I still care about my step-daughter and step-son more than I can say, but I am not planning on going to step-son’s wedding. I got the message the first time around. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Yeah, sad that stuff like that still goes on, isn't it?

your seat is next to your now husband...no one should come between a man and his wife...He should talk to his son to let him know how inappropriate the suggestion is...stand in the position you have been given as his wife....how tacky for any of them to expect to separate the two of you...Will the son be sitting next to his wife? Will every other couple on the planet that shows up be sitting with their wives?....Why on earth would he suggest such an odd request? ( I would ask him) It is not your fault that bm doesn't have a mate...and it is not your problem....your dh should have stood up for your position...bm is not his spouse anymore, and pretending that the two of you are not together as a couple is...well, pretentious and delusional...they all need to grow up.