Still just a girlfriend, for now...but is this what I want for life?
So....I don't know really where to start, as I am new to this website and well, I'm technically not a step-parent yet.
I have been dating a man (who is 11 years older than me) for two years. He has two children, a son who is 14 and a daughter who is 3.
I will say that I have been blessed in the sense that we had not had issues with the BM (knock on wood) and she has never had a problem with me being around the children and such. I also have had nothing but great experiences so far with the children. I can honestly say my boyfriends two kids are really great. The teenage boy has been raised in really great, Christian environment and has wonderful values and awesome influence from his mother and father. They are both truly impeccable parents and do a great job co-parenting together.
My issue...well, I'm 24 years old, I have never been married, I do not have any children and I do not ever want my own children. I am very sure of this. I have never wanted my own children and I do not feel that will change. I met and fell in love with this man 2 years ago, and the one thing that really kept me from going out with him in the beginning was the fact that he had baggage. I envisioned meeting and falling in love with a man who came with no baggage, who had no desire to be a parent and who wanted our life to be about us together and we would spend our time with each other and our careers, and our money would be spent on whatever the two of us wanted to do. Well, my life hasn't exactly turned out that way so far lol Fortunately I found a wonderful man, who is a Christian, who is kind and caring, smart beyond belief and has a noble career. But, unfortunately, he comes with 2 children, and an ex wife, and a mighty hefty child support payment each month.
While, the children and I get along well and I don't mind being around them. I am catching myself daydreaming about what our lives would be like if they didn't exist (I know that is awful, but I'm being honest). He wouldn't have to work two jobs and constantly stress about money because a very large chunk of his paycheck wouldn't go to child support every month. We'd never have to sacrifice any time together because his children were over, and we could do whatever we wanted without worrying about how it would effect 2 kids.
Our relationship continues to get more serious, and we have discussed marriage. I don't think we will be able to marry anytime in the next 2 years because I am in school full time to become a radiology technician, so I am unable to work much, and like I said before, he works two jobs to make sure his damn child support is paid, and we would be paying for the wedding by ourselves. So unfortunately, that doesn't look feasible for at least a couple of years until I graduate and am working. But, in the meantime, I have to really ask myself if this is the life I truly want...?
I would love you guys' insight and advice. Thank you so much, and God bless!
hey sweetie..u sound like a
hey sweetie..u sound like a great person, lucky him! and im sure hes great too....but if i were u (which i was) i wouldnt settle in...i know im talking about....im with a man who had bagage and we've got two beautiful children together...i dont regret that...but i would not advise my daughter to do the same. his kids will always come first, which is only normal...but u will find it harder with time. u will have to make plans according to the kids visits...his child support will always be the priority bill....etc....i can go on and on...think about it wisely...u are so young!!!! good luck!! xxx
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind words!
I do so much reading and research on being a step-parent and being with a man that comes with this type of baggage, and it seems like it's nearly impossible to find a situation where the whole step-parent situation is not a complete nightmare at least 50% of the time. It's too bad that the majority of blended families, whether there are only children on one side or both, can't be a more enjoyable situation, but in all reality it just isn't.
I find myself wishing his children didn't exist, not because of anything that they have done but just simply because I want him all to myself. I want to be his NUMBER ONE priority, always. I know with children, that isn't always the case. We have discussed that, and he understands my concern with wanting to be number one, and we have discussed how in the bible it even states that one's spouse is to always come before the children. Of course, although I am young and mature for my age and I would never ask anything that was completely absurd or unreasonable if it was at the cost of his children's health or safety but I do and would expect to come first, if we were to marry. I know that probably sounds selfish and terrible, but I cannot help the way that I feel.
He does know of my concerns, and we discuss it regularly but I find myself really thinking about it more and more. I've honestly never met anyone who has said that their experience with marrying into a "ready made" or blended family has been a great experience. I very rarely hear about how the step-parent feels the marriage is fulfilling and truly happy. It is very discouraging, and I do truly love him so much, but at the same time, I feel that I deserve to have the marriage and relationship I've always dreamed of. I'm so afraid that if I marry him I will not be getting that life because his children will always be that wedge. On the other hand, I feel I would be less stressed if he only had the one child, the son, and not the 3 year old daughter. I feel myself starting to resent her, maybe because I want to be the only female? I'm not sure....
so much to ponder...
You sound like you are a lot
You sound like you are a lot more insightful and logical than I was. By the time I was 24 I had been married to (soon to be ex) dh for two years. His kids were 14 and 16 by that time. I had a little girl from a prior relationship and we had a baby boy together.
IF, as you say, your man is open to discussing these things with you and the son is as nice of a young man as he seems to be, it might could work. But sweetie, things are not always as they seem before the wedding.
For now, I would suggest continuing to communicate and take things slowly. Heck, maybe even keep a journal so you can keep track of how things are going from day to day, week to week.
Would your man cancel plans with you at the last minute because of something his son wanted to do? Would your man spend a lot of family funds on something his son wanted without discussing it with you first? Would your man confront you about a complaint his son had about you as if YOU were the GUILTY party without hearing what you had to say?
Example: when my ss was 14 he had a newspaper route. He was spending ALL the newspaper money on CANDY AND SODA and I mean a TON of candy and soda. The kid was getting fatter than he already was. He went to his father and told him that when I did laundry I was SHRINKING HIS JEANS!! Dh came to me and flat out told me that he didn't know what I was doing WRONG when I did laundry but that I had to STOP SHRINKING SS'S JEANS.
Over time those things become very hurtful and do damage to a relationship that can't be repaired. The hurt stays around forever. Oh, it subsides a lot and sometimes you even thing it's healed - but it rears its ugly head from time to time.
Please consider these practical day to day situations and how your man would potentially handle them.
you wont have the life u
you wont have the life u wanted with him, thats for sure...u will have amazing times...but i dont wanna tell u what to do...but my god....i would just get out if i were u...it sounds awful and hypocritical of my part....but if i knew then what i know now...i wouldnt have sticked around...again and i love my husband and the children we have together, but it couldve been so much easier...:) xx
You are approaching the
You are approaching the situation with a sober mind and a mature way. I think you gave answer to your question - this is not what your dream marriage or life partner is about. Why settle? You certainly deserve to be the number one priority and come first. I speak from experience. These are the same feelings that I had and discussed openly with my ex - fiancee.
For your own sake and from my own experience the sooner you withdraw from this situation the better. It will be easier for you to transition into single life. My biggest mistake was staying in a situation I knew deep down was not right for me.I thought that something will change - probably my feelings will change or the situation will get better. I tried it all but it got worse. Do not wait for that moment. He needs to find a woman that is in a similar situation and they can support and help each other.
He is making choices that honour him as a person.He chose you - young, unencumbered, no baggage, working towards a degree etc. The question is are you making choices that honour you and reflect your self - worth and self - respect? If you can answer that you will know what to do...
This guy sounds great its a
This guy sounds great its a shame isn't it you didn't meet him 15 years ago - but you would have been what 9yo. Hmmm that would not have looked good.
Anyway he's a rare one but as has already been said this is not going to turn out to be your dream life. Men who don't want children are hard to find but not as hard to find as women. Believe me there are hundreds of thousands of men in the U. S. who have waited for years rejecting Mommy types waiting for you.
Child support for his youngest will last 15 more years. Its guaranteed even tho his money goes from his paycheck to his ex-wife you will soon figure out that you're paying for stuff that should be shared. Vacations, new(er) car, re-roof the house etc etc. You'll grow to resent it even more than you do now.
Dad could decide his kids needs to go to college and indeed they should. $21,000 a year? Child Support was cheap.
I never (repeat never) advise someone to become a step parent. What if the boy wants to live with Dad? He's getting to that age. What if the mother dies, becomes disabled, runs away with the Pastor or his son? You'll have both of them with absolutely zero breaks.
It'll be hard to tell him but you've got to realize you're not the Knight in Shineing Armor put here to rescue the Squire in distress. While he's at work please arrange to move all of your stuff out then meet him when he gets home to tell him in person. Don't let him dissuade you from this decision and ask only one thing that you be allowed to say goodby to his children if he thinks is a good thing to do. If he says no then don't push it just leave and DO NOT look back. Zero contact with him and his kids.
I agree with the above
I agree with the above comments, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are going into this in a mature way, but you need to leave that relationship. You should never refer to someones children as "baggage", they are a part of him and considering you envisioned the EXACT opposite of what he is offering you. I think it's time for you to make some tough decisions.
Ahh, I thank you sincerely
Ahh, I thank you sincerely for your thoughts, SueU2
You sound wise and experienced, which is why I was seeking out a forum of this sort. Let me address a couple things though...
I know you assume I do not live with him, and I did indeed fail to indicate that we do live together, yes. So, I am fully aware that his children may want to come and live with us, in fact, we have already faced this issue, as his son has wanted to come live with us in the past but because the mother is unwilling to part with that portion of child support she would be losing, he is staying with her.
I don't feel she wants to keep him simply because of child support, he has always lived with her and it's hard for her to let him go that easily and I do understand that, as I do have motherly instincts as well.
I do feel it is unfair for you to call me VERY selfish, but once again, you are only solely relying on what information I have provided about myself, my boyfriend, and our situation. I am far from very selfish, and if you knew me personally you would know that. I do agree with you when you say there is no room for selfishness in a marriage, and I find that true in comparison to friendships and love relationships. I have stated that I am too selfish to have children, and I guess that is a little unfair for me to even say about myself, because I look at this way; I am a person who will jump over the moon to help someone yet I do not want to endure the responsibility of having my own children. I enjoy having a lifestyle where my money is spent on things I want to spend it on, I enjoy being able to come and go as a please and not being concerned whether or not my child is in good care. I cringe every time I hear someone's reaction to a person who does not want children. It is as much my right to not want any than to want them. It is just not something I desire.
I know those things may sound selfish to someone who is a parent, and you are entitled to your opinion but please do not let it fool you into thinking all people who do not want children are incredibly selfish, heartless individuals because that is not the truth. I feel that it is much less selfish of me to not have my own children, than to have them and then resent them or cause me to be unhappy because it is not how I envisioned. I understand when I am with someone who has children, and that will interfere with my desired lifestyle, but at the same time, I am willing and able to compromise. I am intelligent enough to know what days we have the children and to not schedule a date with the boyfriend or something of that matter where I would not want them involved. I encourage him to spend time with them, and he is always sure to make sure he balances time spent with them and time with me is equally distributed. When it comes to my relationship, I am at the opposite end of spectrum, I treat that man as I wish for him to treat me and not anything less. Isn't that what relationships and marriage are all about...compromise and learning to work as a team?
The alternative is most
The alternative is most certainly NOT that you have to put up with a jerk without kids.
It's not the person you can
It's not the person you can live with, it's the person you can't live without.
If you are doing all this reading and research, you already have grave doubts. In the back of your heart and mind, you know what you really want.
Noble careers typically do not make a lot of money. The tradeoff is somewhere else, however the practical reality of life is that money is needed. Most likely your BF works a second job to compensate for the noble career. If he didn't have kids he could live simply within the means of his career but he has kids and that freedom is now limited to him. If that is the case, his life will always be that way. How much do you see him now?
When you take a marriage vow and forsake all others, those others do not mean children. It means all others with whom you could potentially marry. When you have children, your obligation to them is sacred.
You will always have a problem with this guy because of exactly what you've said. You cannot be unequivocally first. You cannot be unequivocally only. If you married and had a child, and then sometimes that child came first with your husband over you, you'd be a lot more okay with it because it's your own child but that sort of thing is often a problem even in first, intact marriages.
It's kind of hard to believe everything is so hunky dory with the BM - all this great Christian stuff doesn't gel with them being divorced but we will go with what you say. I do wonder how much time your BF spends with his children - working two jobs sucks up a serious amount of time, how does Dad find time to see his kids much less get a new GF and develop a relationship. Of course I'm also thinking he works one job full-time and something else part-time. Maybe he's a teacher and does part-time work in the summer so it's more like one full-time job year round?
11 years is not really that much of an age gap. The concern here is the lifestyle gap. He's well over and done with your stage in life - single, college, you can do whatever you want because it only affects you. You don't want his lifestyle - parent.
At your age, it should not be that difficult to find a Christian man who is not divorced, who has never been married and has no kids.
You don't say if you live with this man, guessing you probably do and if you moving in didn't ramp up the crazy with the wife, maybe getting married won't either. But it might, as often the mother perceives this as a threat to the resources available to her children. And if she ever gets to feeling that her mother role is being usurped in any way, she will ramp up the PAS.
Marrying this man would limit you in everything you want to do. You dream of a life without children and how long would it be before the limits on your dreams would make you resentful? If you hit 30 and all of the sudden your biological clock starts gonging in your heart, you may not get an option between SAH/work. You might not even get an option to have a child, could he really afford another? He's already stretched with two jobs for his children, should he really have any more? You might even have problems with fertility if you wait a long time.
IMO he is not the right person for you. The time has to be right too. He might be the right person but the timing is definitely wrong. You'll be happier with someone that has not already tried the marriage/family route, someone who has the freedom to have the marriage you want.
Let me go ahead and address
Let me go ahead and address some of your statements so you have a better idea of this scenario I have painted.
Noble career can indeed pay well, but of course that is always based on your opinion of "paying well."
He is a firefighter and works for a department that is in the top 5% best paid in the U.S. but, I do feel they are underpaid for the job they endure. Anyways, he works there 24 hours, 48 hours off. So his schedule is rotating, one day a week he works at a local hospital as a paramedic technician there in the ER.
He works a second job because after the divorce he kept the home they lived in together and is paying the mortgage and bills, along with minimal help from me considering I am a full time student and can only work very part-time. SO, while he makes a good living, unfortunately the lifestyle he had created before the divorce is now not being compensated by two incomes as before but primarily his alone, in addition to paying child support. I know you're thinking, if he can't afford this home without working two jobs, and such maybe he should downsize, etc. etc. Trust me, that's how I feel, but all things are a work in progress.
As for the BM, yes, they got divorced and believe it or not.....you can still be a Christian and get divorced! Isn't that amazing? Everyone is human, and no one is perfect, I have just simply stated that she has been tolerable and has no issues with me living here or being around the children. I'm not saying she's so perfect and such, and I'm sure we will run into problems as that is what is life is all about, I have just stated that so far we have all managed to get along and are mature, rational adults in this situation. She too, has a significant other now as well. The reason behind their divorce is simply that they just weren't happy together any longer, unfortunately, it just was not working out. They did not get along, there was no communication, they just did not go well together. Simple as that, sorry for not having anything any juicier
I appreciate your advice and insights. I hope I have given you a little more information about our situation, if you feel the need to offer further advice. God Bless!