Stressed out!
Hello, first time poster so please forgive me if this is not the right place to post this.
ive been With my current girlfriend for about 10 months now. She has a five year old daughter whom she absolutely spoils rotten. ( a couple of examples I can think of. Buying her multiple children's magazines in a week. Buying her toys constantly). Now, I have no issue with this usually, but my partner will buy her child toys even if her kid has been acting up and giving attitude. This baffles me because I always thought consistency was key when it can't to children. If you punish them or take something away, I always thought you stick by that until the child in question learns a lesson. My girlfriend is also incredibly soft with her child. When the she is acting like a brat, which seems like all the time these days, my girlfriend will talk to her and try to gauge how she's feeling and why she acted the way she did, she will then give her child cuddles without giving any if not nothing in terms of punishment. And where I do think giving a child lots of love is key, somethings I feel a bit of discipline goes a long way. Her daughter will make a mess and then throw a tantrum when asked to clean up and then 9/10 my girlfriend will be the one that tidies.
my girlfriend and I have argued about this. She thinks I'm too hard in her daughter when all I try to do is teach the kid some accountability and to tidy up after herself. A prime example of this is the child's room, and while I'm aware most children's rooms are a mess, this child will make a mess after her mother had cleaned it, only for my girlfriend to clean it again a month or so later. We have tried talking to her daughter about putting things away when she's done with them in her room, she hasn't learned her lesson because she knows her mother will tidy it. And anytime I try to teach this kid about responsibility and tidyness I'm told by her mother that I'm being too hard on her.
after talking with the child today, I feel like I'm at my wits end. Her daughter was insistent that a piece of her Lego was under the living room chair, even though her mother had checked and even though we were both telling her it wasn't under there. I think mostly though, it's the spoilt bratty attitude. Numerous times the child has said something akin to 'I can do what I want cause I'm the youngest' or ' I can have what I want cause I'm only little'. She is constantly rude and will sometimes scream directly into her mothers face when she doesn't get what she wants. My girlfriend and her mother have also turned this child into a huge hyper condriac. The slightest bump, the kid will milk it and then again tell you she can do what she wants because she hurt herself. And the majority of her scrapes and bumps come from her not listening.
I'm at a loss as to what I can do, as I don't feel like I can talk to my girlfriend without it erupting into an argument and she thinking I'm taking pot shots at her daughter. That isn't the case, I'm just seeing a rude, aggressive little girl and I don't want that behaviour to her worse. Any and all advice is welcome.
thank you
Not sure what your plans are.....
I can't tell if you are living together, i guess you are, or whether you are planning to make it permanent. But the bottom line is, the problem is not so much the child but your GF. If this situation is going to change, it will be when your GF realizes thst she is not parenting properly and changes gears.
For you, I'd say to ask yourself what YOU want. If you see this relationship maturing, then it is worthwhile talking to your GF seriously about all this. But I have to tell you realistically that people don't change easily. It might be best for you to cut your losses and move on.
The child's behavior won't change, will, in fact, get worse as she ages without a change in your gf's parenting mode which I am skeptical can be achieved.
Sorry to be so pessimistic but you sound like a nice and thoughtful man. Im glad you found this site, it shows your insight.
Your GF will ALWAYS be
Your GF will ALWAYS be defensive when it come to SK and she will never be in the wrong because it's her preciousssss child. When a SO is delusional, it's time to leave.
Honestly, you guys have been
Honestly, you guys have been dating 10 months - it's not your job to be a second parent. Let her handle her kid, you decide if you can tolerate the way she parents or not.
She's turning her kid into a
She's turning her kid into a monster. Spoiled kids are also the unhappiest kids. You can disengage but I'm sure it's hard to watch.
You know this is not going great
Nothing is going to change. This is like what life is going to be. Except it's going to get worst. When GF and SD becomes besties and you are the outsider
Bag and hide.
That is what I would do. No more tidying up after the 5yo. If she does not put her things away, run through at the end of every day and toss overthink of hers that is out of place in a big black garbage bag then toss it in a lockable closet or in the attic.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Then when she wants something specific that she cannot find you roll out the "It should be where it belongs. Look there."
Rather, rinse, repeat.
At her next cry fest over getting new toys, toss the bag of toys and belongings she had failed to put away then start the bag and hide all over again.
Also, lather, rinse repeat.
If your SO takes exception to this, you have to decide if SO is the one you want to make your life journey with keeping in mind the total failure she is perpetrating as a mother and adult. For damned sure you have to decide if you want her as the mother of your own children also keeping in mind her failure in the form of her failed prior family breeding experiment of a 5yo..
4 may not be too old to be unsalvageable but it is impossible if your mate is not equally committed to salvaging the 5yo.. If she isn't this kid is a lost cause as is likely with any marriage you may have with this woman.
Good luck.
its not your responsibility
its not your responsibility to help parent her 5yr old. You need to decide if you can put up with all this to continue your relationship with the mother ,, as 9 times out of 10 , this wont change but only get worse. My ex used to think i was picking on his son when i raised the issue of his child keying my car WTF!!! Or i was picking on his son when i raised the issue of his son stealing money from me. Picking on his son when i raised the issue of his son going through my bedroom draws and vandelising my belongings with a knife..........do you get where im going with this ??? if you cant raise issues now ,, she wont accept you doing it later down the track. My friend.... its only gets worse from here out ! plus ,,,, is this how you would like a partner to raise your own children if you have them together ??,, of course not. your only 10 months in ,, cut your losses before you end up like most of us on here 10 years later and still big problems with skids