Just tell him that's like taking your boys to go see his ex's parents. Pointless. Let me guess, is it because they are "siblings"? I have a half brother (we share a mom) and I don't know his dad, or his dad's family. There is no need, I am not related to his dad or his family for that matter. I may not be 7 but I think it would be awkward to go to his dad's at any age for any family get together...because they're strangers! lol

I think you be truthful with DH. But eventually you should try to include her, until her behavior indicates otherwise. I do think your parents should at least acknowledge her presence. Sound like they are being unnecessarily exclusive to her.

My mom acknowledges my SS with presents. Not equal to BS, but he does get something. As their relationship has grown, the gifts have gotten larger at Christmas. She doesn't do birthdays for him.

I do agree about cafemom. They do not understand blending families.

Why don't you suggest a compromise and say that a major holiday isn't the time for this that maybe over the summer or some time you guys could all go for a less invasive event? I can see your point. I don't like bringing SD around my family because my family tends to spoil my bios and I feel terrible if they feel the obligation to spoil SD or get her anything just because she is there. It's not like they would have a relationship with my skids outside of me, I try to keep it separate which I know bugs DH but we are more close with his family than mine anyway so he gets over it quickly.

I would just tell him that your family is a little uncomfortable navigating a holiday with SD and they would prefer to meet her and interact with her during a non-holiday time. Maybe that will at minimum buy you some time and make him think you are trying. Or if you're lucky (or unlucky I guess) would BM even let you take her out of state? You could use that too if she's high conflict that you aren't going to let BM ruin your time with your family.

In my case the 3 SSs have met my mom when she visited. They also met my dad and stepmom when we had a holiday near where they live.

However, I wouldn't get them to come to family gatherings. They are now all grown up but even when they were younger I didn't invite them. They don't know any of my family well and would have been bored out of their minds. (No electonics, none of their toys, etc)

Can you try to point out that your SD will have nothing to do? My DH used to do Easter and Christmas with the boys and treat it as a special time just for them.

I totally get your situation. The first (and LAST) time we took both BD and SD to visit my mom, it was a disaster. SD took all the attention with her tantrums and she was rude to my mom. She was demanding of my mom to feed & entertain her and my mom is old and in a wheelchair! It was the first time my mom ever had met MY BD so it was especially upsetting to me. You truly have every right to not want your skids on your trip. I would use the excuse of money with DH. Tell him you want to save money by not bringing him and SD.

BTW, I always hate that my parents feel pressured into buying gifts for SD. They shouldn't have to. This kid was thrown into their life by someone not even related.

I am pro inclusion and anti exclusion. Is your one year old your DHs son? If so why doesn't your DH get to decide whether or not he is coming along? Why are you making this decision unilaterally? As for welcoming a 7 year old... How difficult is it to add another kid to the mix?

In my family with DH - a second marriage for both of us, no kids in common- my mother bought gifts for his kids before they PASd out and his sister treats my boys as her nephews. All his kids are now grown, my youngest is 15. My sons do not need a lot of attention from the extended family but it still feels great to them to be included. We took my kids to my SILs city last year for a big family celebration, they were treated as if they belong there.

In my ex husband's family when he and his wife go to Disneyworld every year, they bring SMs daughter and grandkids but not the fathers children - my boys stay behind. Do you think this promotes family harmony? They sometimes see their SMs parents. I have never heard of them getting any gifts from them. My point is, we operate as one family, the more the merrier. My exes family seems to have a demarcation line that is very palpable . I like our way of doing things better.

Notasm makes a good point about taking uninvited additional people. How do they feel about an extra guest? Does that put them into a situation of accepting in order to see their own daughter and grandchildren? The distance between Colorado and Ohio makes family visits far and few between.

I am in my 60's . My dh insisted on moving to a different state which took me away from the close proximity I had previously had with all my children, grandchildren and siblings. Our visits with each other are fewer and now when we visit it is OUR time together. When they visit they do not bring additional children , it would add extra work and commotion. They want the limited time to be spent as our time together and so do I. Most times the visits don't include dh and the visit with my children, grandchildren and siblings has a completely different tone then when he comes along. We sit up half the night talking about people places and things he was not a part of. The visit is just more enjoyable when we are not feeling obligated to entertain his interests.

How would you feel if your inlaws followed your parents' lead and decide to start excluded your boys from things they do with SD?

All of you can go to Colorado and stay in a hotel. You and the boys can spend most of your time with your parents. Husband could spend time with SD touring the city. All of you could have lunch or dinner together a few times during the trip.

The parents want to spend time with their own daughter and grandchildren. The sd lives with her own mother at a different residence and visits her dad 2 week ends a month and some holidays. It is not her primary household. If going to visit grandparents meant traveling to a destination close by and sd happened to be visiting then most parents would plan on taking all the children.

This mom is thousands of miles from her family. Her chances of visiting family don't come often. It will be a costly or time consumming amount of time to get there. This does not have to be about sd being slighted in any way. Dh can make arrangements for his daughter to visit him at a different time if he wants to go along. Or he could stay home and do something special with her.

Mad mama visiting her own family should be none of sd's concern. Does make me wonder if the husband made a special point of arranging extra visiting time with bio mom, or requested Easter, and informed his daughter she was going. If so, that seems totally wrong on his part.

This is strange. Usually we see the Bio parents trying to force exclusion of the SM & family. What's even more strange is that you aren't just excluding your SD but also your husband. Just a little suggestion, you should stop the "your family/my family" crap because your setting yourself up for years of fighting and divorce. You're literally handing him the "you hate my kid" excuse with situations like this.

My SO's parents have excluded me and my son. A word of advice...if you do this it will put a wedge between you and your SO. It's not something that's easily fixed once you implement this set up, the hurt feelings it causes just don't go away if you and your family change your minds and decide to include them down the road. I resent my SO for not caring enough about me to make sure we were included in his family, and after being rejected I don't think this situation can ever be fixed.

They've never even met this little girl, to me it says a lot about your family that they would exclude a 7 year old and your own husband (and presumably the father of their grandson). Don't they consider the father of their grandchild worth knowing and including in the family? As far as having her there putting a kink in spoiling your children, can't they at least make an effort to make her feel welcome if not adored?

The only thing that confuses me is that OP refers to "MY boys" but surely the 1 yr old is dh's as well?? That's weird, or maybe they met when she was pregnant? Because they don't know him well, have never met the baby...this is not a close family situation. I don't feel she wants to exclude dh, though, and is leaving him there because sd will be there.

Anyway...there is no reason that the grandparents should have added work to the visit for someone else's kid. With op and the boys, they could literally all stay in the same room together. But throw in dh and sd and everything has gotten complicated. Not to mention, have you checked airfare lately?! The grandparents can spend time with dh and sd if they ever come visit...when the work will be on OP and DH.

Can you imagine everyone fawning over the boys and sd7 just kinda being there? Boy5 going fishing with gpa or something and the girl7...what do they do with her? Also, why does sd staying with dad have to be a negative thing? It's all on how it's presented. Sd gets one on one time with Daddy and they can do whatever she wants. WAY more fun than hanging out with strangers where she will have VERY little say in what goes on.

All I can offer is my life. My mom does not think of my SD as a granddaughter, in fact, I think she just simply forgets about her. And then with hubbys mom, she pretends to love my son like her own when we all know she does not. Its just awkward.

I am fine with my hubby taking his child to see his parents and he is fine with me doing the same with my family.
This works for us.

I do not want to force my mom to feel something she does not and I am uncomfortable with hubbys mom faking grandparent feeling for someone she does not really feel it.

Here is what I think is crazy. I have posted in the past that my skids wanted their Daddy all to themselves. I was told that he should be allowed to have time away from the family for his kids with him alone.

Now here you all are telling SM, that she can't do the same thing. It's not ok for SM to have time with her kids and family alone. It is ridiculous that all these rules only apply for the skids.

I took my skids to a party at my cousin's house before, they were rude, obnoxious and would not leave her young daughter alone. They kept picking her up after they were told repeatedly not to do so. They also pushed the little girl away from THEIR DADDY, so they could sit near him. Now mind you this little girl is my cousin's daughter who was 3 years younger than them and probably 2-3 at the time.

Nuclear families dont all go to see family together either. When I was married to my exh my kids dad, I went to see my family with my kids all the time without him. He would on occassion take our kids to see his family without me.

I think you need to explain to DH that you just wanted some alone family time for you and your boys. If you are able to visit your parents again, maybe next time, you will want DH and SD to come. If DH is upset, then you have to decide if you want him to be or if you just want to cancel the trip if your parents are not up for additional guests.

It's your marriage and NO RULES apply. I have learned that the hard way. Oh and by the way my skids are NOT invited to family gatherings anymore because of their behavior.