Personally I don't want my stepkids calling me "mom." Since I don't want to offend their BM or cause any confusion. However, my SKids do call their SD "Daddy." It is in front of their BD and it tears me apart to see the hurt that comes across his face each time he hears it. He doesn't say anything to the kids or ex about it because he doesn't want to cause waves. BM enforces them calling him "daddy" and it is just out of spite. She is vengeful and doesn't realize that by hurting their BD she is also confusing the kids. I just don't think it is right-my personal opinion. Steps don't normally try to take over the role of a biological parent and its ridiculous when the biological parent tries to force that on the kids.

She does it because she says he (BD) doesn't call the kids enough when they are with her. (We only get them every other weekend, holidays and summer.) However, every time he calls she has to get on the phone and try to start a fight and you can hear the kids crying in the background as she screams at BD. He said it is easier to just not call than to have to hear his kids cry because she is going to act psychotic.

It is just confusing because she says she is over him and she IS remarried, but still acts like a lunatic. We NEVER say anything negative about her or SD to the kids. However, all we hear from the kids is how she said I am hated by all of our neighbors because I'm not a nice person, that if dad loved them he would call them more, etc. We send them letters/cards in the mail (which we hope they get) and he does call sometimes when he's brave enough to do so (usually when we know SD is there because she doesn't act so crazy in front of him) and when they are with us we just reiterate how much we love them and how much their mom and SD love them too.

Am I doing the wrong thing? I am a brand new stepmom and have no BKids so I just want to make sure I do what is right. My hubby doesn't want to talk to his ex at all. When he cuts off all communication with her she acts even more nuts and fills the kids heads with even more bullshit. I have taken it upon myself to be the primary person she communicates with. All I get to hear about is how she does things this way or that and how I should do it. When the kids should eat, what they should eat, when they should sleep and for how long. I realize that at her house she is the boss and that is fine, however at our home we have our own rules. We still put the kids to bed about the time she demands so they get adequate rest, but I don't restrict them to only organic food. She wrote an exstensive letter before summer about what they allowed to eat. No fast food, etc. If we are travelling, yes WE will stop at McDonalds. I don't think that is terrible parenting and half the stuff she wrote the kids say isn't even true. That they get to eat normally at their mom's and it looks like she is just trying to see what she can control. Anyway-I do whatever I can to keep the peace, but I finally told her that if she is going to be hateful and short with me that I would prefer she not message me (we always communicate via text). She got a little better, but it still comes out. She is super condescending and I guess its just always going to be that way. I am painfully nice to her and I am hoping with time she will just stop the petty stuff and act like an adult. I am sick of hearing about what her ex was like when he was with her and how she and I are so much alike and that is why he is with me now. Blah blah blah. I don't care, and I told her as much. That our relationship is none of her business, just like her relationship with her husband is none of my concern and the only reason we need to communicate is to talk about the kids, period.

I guess I just want feedback on what I am doing wrong and what I need to change.