Too cramped for comfort
Looking for suggestions, advice, constructive criticism.
Ive been in a relationship with my SO for about 3 years. I knew he had a zillion kids (okay, four of them) but at the same time I really didn't expect our relationship to become serious, but over time, it did. In the beginning he only had contact with his 2 younger kids. The older ones came back into his life almost immediately after I met him. I thought it was great for him, after all I never expected to marry the guy so what does it matter to me?
Well we're not married but we do live together and here's the problem:
When we met, he had a big apartment with 3 bedrooms and everyone had plenty of personal space. Well, after a year into the relationship, his oldest daughter who is quite problematic was kicked out of her mother's house, so my SO let her live with him. It lasted less than 4 months. Her behavior was so unspeakable that my SO decided the only thing left to do was move, so that the oldest daughter would have no choice but to straighten herself out (she is an adult).
For the last 9 months we have been living in a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment that is attached to my mother's house. We pay our way and pull our weight on my mother's property of course. When the weekends start to approach I become filled, I mean overflowing with a sense of dread because I know his younger kids will be coming. They are 14 and 16 years old but they are far from your typical angst-y teenagers. They're both autistic although only the 16y.o. is severely afflicted. The 14 year old is in normal classes at a normal high school and I'm not positive but I think he no longer has the diagnosis.
The autism itself is not a problem. I have an autistic niece whom I love to pieces. It's the lack of space. When I say this apartment is tiny, I mean it's essentially one big room. I'd be uncomfortable with ANY 3 people all cramped in here with me. It's not necessarily personal although there are behaviors and quirks I could do without. Imagine sitting at your kitchen table and a 6'2" 14 year old wearing shorts all winter is pacing, back and forth and back and forth, taking all of 6 steps to get to one side of the room from the other. Oh the pacing I can't stand it. The 16 year old barely speaks a word at all which I know, I should NOT be complaining about but jeeezus is it awkward! Painfully awkward.
Am I just an asshole? Are my feelings of dread and uncomfortability justified? Oh btw my SO is 46 years old and can't afford an apartment because of certain bad habits. If it was up to me, he'd have his own place to have his own kids on the weekends. People would have bedrooms and space and freedom to be as quirky as they want. It's not necessarily the kids I don't like, it's the fact that I'm forced to share this sardine can of an apartment with them, basically all on each other's laps.
Would I be the bad guy if I say I can't take it? Of course. Right?
I have an autisic SS18 who
I have an autisic SS18 who lives with us. If he didn't have "pacing" room we would all implode! I can't imagine living in such cramped quarters with 2 visiting teenagers.
I think it is time that you move. I think you know that as well. I understand your reasoning (ish) for moving to begin with, but it is time to move again. Next time his daughter wants to stay- NO is a perfectly acceptable answer.
You are asking if it's OK to
You are asking if it's OK to not like being crammed into a one-bedroom apartment with 2 enormous autistic teenagers for the weekend? And you are crammed in there because the only way that your SO could figure out how to get rid of his adult daughter was to move into a small space so she couldn't fit? Am I reading that right?
No, you are not the bad guy. I'd get a hotel for the weekend, if I stayed with him at all. Or I'd go sleep in my mother's spare bedroom.
This is insane, I can't believe you even question yourself for hating it.
I guess I'm confused as to
I guess I'm confused as to why this tiny apartment (sounds like a studio) would have ever even been an option, much less a long-term solution? It should have been, oh, it's a studio? Well that won't work, we will have to find another plan. With that plan involving your SO getting his sh*t together to pay for an apartment for HIS kids. At 46, a "bad habit" that prevents you from affording a real apartment is most likely an addiction. If so, he needs to get help.
You are now in an intolerable situation because of your SO's inability to adult. This does not bode well. Tell him he needs to find a new place stat, and stay in the apt. by yourself. He knows he is asking too much, he knows it's ridiculous, you are just allowing him to do it.
???????
Why are you thinking about whether you would be the bad guy instead of thinking about how unattractive it is that a man AT ANY AGE who has fathered FOUR kids can’t put an appropriate roof over their heads? This guy might have been a good hook-up with but it should have stopped there. Get him out of there and figure out why you got so serious with him despite all these red flags. The good news is you didn’t marry him or have kids with him!
Sounds like h#ll to me. The
Sounds like h#ll to me. The things people will put themsleves thru to be in a relationship. Learn to love yourself more instead of chasing after a man's approval and arms.
When the only thing left to
When the only thing left to do was move (instead of sacking up, being a parent, and saying NO), WHY was the only choice that tiny apartment??? Why not a 2 bedroom apartment with one bedroom for the teens??
Sorry, but your SO sounds like he's no better than his troublesome daughter.
Why are you with this man?? Sit down and make a list with 2 columns: one with SO's good qualities and one with his bad qualities. I'm willing to bet the Bad will significantly outweigh the Good.
No one is "forcing" you to
No one is "forcing" you to "live in a sardine can" .Nor is anyone making you tolerate weekends with these kids.
You're a big girl now. You invited the guy to move into this tiny little room knowing full well his children would be visiting on weekends and knowing that the room wasn't large enough.
Did he just recently develop these "bad habits" you mention? He had to move from his large three bedroom apartment to ditch his adult daughter, per you. But now due to "bad habits" he can not afford anything besides your mother's tiny little "sardine can" for the last nine months. Those must really be some "bad habits" he's acquired.
Odds are he is not going to cease having his sons visit, and it certainly is not the children's fault he chose to move into such a dinky shelter. However you finally having your fill of it is indeed understandable. So this is where your choices come in.
You either ask him to move out (his finances are not your problem, they are his) and continue to date him or you totally break it off with him, or you continue to just vent and suck it up. What other options do you have? You aren't going to get the man minus the kids and you aren't the fault of his newly found "bad habits" that have caused him financial hardship. Seeing his two autistic children out of the shoe box for 48hrs isn't an option nor is simply not seeing his children at all.
Where would this man go and/or do if you suddenly were out of the picture? He'd have to work it out. Do you really want to support a man who is 46yrs old who can't afford a roof over his head?
I agree with others that this
I agree with others that this man is a loser/user. Give some serious thought to why you're with him - and remember that love isn't enough. I'd send him and his kids packing for my own sanity. You can always continue to date him, unless of course he's in it for a free/cheap place to live. If that's the case, better to know it.