Do. Not. Put. Any. Of. YOUR. Money into his house! Period. He has made it clear his kids needs/desires are a priority in house choice - and he just wants you to help fit half the bill. No way!

Furthermore, if you have not sold your house yet don't do it. If I were you, I would rent my house out, and try and live with him in the house he eventually buys on his own. See how your relationship goes with being so close to his kids and ex. Imagine that there will be issues cropping up with what the kids can do in the home, etc. and trust me, sounds like he will be the first to tell YOU, "The kids can do what they want in MY home"(even though you may have paid half for it).

"I can be oversensitive and since I will be living there maybe he had every right to ask me." Seems to me that he knows you are somewhat insecure and is willing to push you around for his own purposes.

That alone would have me re-evaluating this relationship. Sounds like he is good at manipulating you. Just don't do it ... you will find that your entire financial standing and life can be ruined.

I think you are being played for a sucker. Be sure to talk to your own family/loved ones about this before you do a single thing ...

No freaking way. Paying half the mortgage is one thing, giving 90k is another. You shouldn't have sold your house, you should have rented it. Since it's already done, I'd still say no.

So basically he bought a house that you had nearly no input in and now he wants you to put in a HUGE chunk of money and then split the rest of the bills 50/50? Interesting.

Maybe I'm just a bitch, but before I even considered, I'd want to know how soon my name was going on the deed. Then I'd want to see the closing paperwork to see how much money he'd put in. And then I'd probably calculate how much his share out to be of monthly bills based on how much time his kids were there, making him responsible for 75% of the utilities and food during those periods.

But that would just be my reaction based on the idea of Well, I'm going to make a huge decision, basically exclude you from it, ask you to live in a house you aren't going to like and make a huge investment into it on top of it all.

I would caution you (as will many others I'm sure) that you haven't lived with this man yet and moving in with a man that makes huge decisions like this based pretty much solely on what his kids will like is.... dangerous.

I would advise you to not sell your house. Try living together for a few months and see how it goes.

Have you spent much time around him with his kids? How often will they be with you? What are his and your expectations around the responsibilities toward the kids? Is he expecting you to do their laundry, make their meals, clean up after them, cart them to school, stay home with them from work if they get sick?

How crazy is BM? Is she likely to show up on your doorstep and pitch a fit?

Without more information, neither of you is being entirely unreasonable. Wanting a partner in a house isn't unreasonable (though the way he's gone about it is bass-ackwards IMO) and feeling taken aback by the way in which he's done it is Very reasonable.

But it's a much bigger question than that. It sounds like he's completely willing to make life-changing decisions without caring about your input. I don't know how serious you are or what kind of parent he is, etc, but that would be a Huge red-flag to me. He doesn't really care about what would make you happy in this situation but he wants you to foot 1/2 the bill. I'd continue to date and not live together if you really love him that much. Otherwise you're going to put yourself in a place of difficulty because getting your money back out of this investment if you decide the living situation is untenable will be very difficult.

And I know we all like to think our relationships will last forever, blah blah, but it sounds like you aren't engaged, you're just at the point of moving in together. And I personally have always thought it was a terrible idea to make a large investment with a man you're just dating. (And it doesn't sound like he's really said anything about putting your name on the house either which absolutely would not work for me for 90K).

You're not wrong and you need to protect yourself.

No, I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. You are right that he is asking you to pay for a decision you had no say in making.

If you move in with him and want to contribute something towards the bills, that's fine. But socking 90 grand into a house that I didn't like, didn't want and was not included in the decision process? No way.

You are not wrong to feel that way. That's a lot of money for him to ask you to put into something to suit him & his kids.

If you don't like the place, keep your money. It's crazy to sell a house you own & put the funds into something that doesn't excite YOU.

He picked it. He buys it. If you move in & decide you like it enough to put your money into it, do it then, but only then. Should you get moved in & realize you don't like it (the house, the living situation, BM close by) it'd suck to be stuck there because it's where you dumped your money.

I do think it's fair that you pay your share of the bills, being you'd pay that regardless of where you live. Let the house be his until you can feel good about making it yours as well.

No, you are not wrong. It seems like all accommodations are being made for what's easier for him, his kids, and his ex-wife. Where does that leave you? If it's a joint venture, you should have more say. Plenty of people have no problems commuting for visitation, so Im sure a small drive to a park is not that problematic or a deal-breaker.

Please take note of this: If this is how it's going to be in the BEGINNING, it's probably going to get worse when you are in it permanently. It looks like your resources are being utilized to benefit everyone else and their happiness.

It's hard making a house a home when you dont have a say in it.

The reason not to sell your own house is that you MUST have a safety net. If things don't work out, you still have a home to go to eventually - even if a tenant may be temporarily still in it.

As amarisso noted, even if your name is on the deed, you could still potentially find yourself in years of expensive court battles should you want to opt out.

I have seen way too many people (women mostly) ruin their financial futures because of some bad decision they get conned into. Don't fall prey to this! This is all about what will work for your boyfriend and your kids - you are just a means to an end.

... I meant to say "his" kids.

Re-reading this now ... it looks like he's already purchased the house, right? "but the one he bought was not one of my favoites and I told him that. The house was completly purchased with his kids in mind."

So he already owns this house in his own name, I assume.

What does he expect from you? That you are going to hand over a check for $90K to him? What's he going to do with it - drop it in his bank account?

The more I think about this thing, the more I think you need to head for the hills. This guy is starting to sound more like a self-centered, con artist than a "great guy."

Do not give him the $90K. Save it, invest it, don't spend it. Because based on what you've said in your post, you may need to use it someday.

This guy is all about his kids and not about his relationship with you.

It's difficult enough being a SP in a home you like, it's going to be even more difficult in a home you don't like. No safe haven. No quiet place. A gingerbread house built for kids, rather than a home for a family.

You may want to rethink moving in with him, but continue the relationship on your own terms. Moving closer to the BM could up the ante on the crazy. You may have no say in what happens in this house. Moving away from your support system could make you feel isolated.

Take it from a lot of us that now feel stuck, because we moved in with our BF's or FDH's with kids.

I think you should consider finding a place of your own. Because trust me, it's HIS new home.

The houses I said I liked he would say his kids would not like it cause it was to far from the park or the kid rooms were to small ect. Everything was about what the kids would want and he would make me feel guilty if I wanted something else.

^^^Is this what you want the rest of your life to be like? Because it will.

He purchased that home with no thought to you. So what happens if you break up is he giving your money back, or worse you get married and now have to live in this home that he chose without no thought to you. If you before handed decided together to buy this house together and your needs and his were met then yes put the 90k. But 90K for a house you have no intention on building a future in is crazy.

This is a seriously dumb move without the legal contract of marriage.

I'm blown away that women do this kind of stuff!!!

It has nothing to do with whether you have the money or not. The fact is you yourself said "we did not agree to this up front when he asked me to move in with him"

Tell him, "when we first talked about moving in together, we agreed that we would split the bills 50/50, there was no discussion about me putting 90K into your house. You sprang that on me later.

That was not the original agreement, and when you first asked me for the 90K I was so surprised I said yes without really thinking about it. Now that I've had some time to think about it, I realize that things could get real "messy" if things don't work out between us."

Just keep stressing that you are willing to abide by the ORIGINAL 50/50 agreement and nothing more, and that down the line if things are going well, you want to buy a house together that you both agree on.

Do not let him make you feel guilty for going back on your agreement to give him 90K, you didn't sign a contract and you are allowed to change your mind.

If he does guilt you, then he doesn't deserve you.

The biggest thing here is that you are even THINKING about doing this because it is VERY APPARENT that your GUT is telling you NOT TO. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. DO NOT DO THIS.

I would say "I changed my mind at this present time, I am not comfortable with handing over 90k". Period. If you want to help offer to pay 50/50 on the bills that is your choice.

Think this over:

>He wanted you to move in with him but said nothing about you handing over a large chunk of money until after he picked out the house he wanted and YOU had no say so in this purchase. He should be embarrassed to ask for your $.

>Then he wants to split the bills 50/50 but this was not discussed before hand with you. Right?

>He obviously has not taken YOUR suggestions or best interest to heart. You told him and he REFUSED to listen to what was important to you and did exactly what he wanted. He bought a house that was best for him and his kids in every way possible, the location, the rooms, etc.

>He is acting secretive and manipulative to do all of these things without consulting you first. I don't see him treating you like an equal to him but more like you don't have any say so about your money or what interest you. He is just "assuming" you will respond to his wishes. Is that what it is whatever he says is ok with you?

>YOU act like you are afraid to discuss your true feelings with him. Why can't you tell him that you will help with the bills but you do not like this house. He purchased it with him and the kids in mind and you will split the monthly bills but will not put your cash on a purchase that you did not approve of.

This will probably not get any better for you.

I beg of you to reconsider! Did you already sell your house? If not, do NOT move in with him. This has disaster written all over it. It looks like he needed a financial "backer" not a companion. I smell ulterior motives here. You sound like you are independent financially and I would stay that way. Just say no.

No.

You shouldn't put the lump sum down. If he ends it over this - then you dodged a bullet.

Yes, you should pay for your half of the mortgage though in my opinion if you choose to live there as you would otherwise pay rent anyway - but that is just my opinion.

If its a big deal - rent yourself a place for the short term until he either gets over it or you get on with your life with someone else.

A friend did this and got totally screwed. She later became my roommate (in a tiny 2BR apt) because she was broke. Put all her proceeds into their "joint" house and meanwhile he kept his old house. The market went down and she lost about $200,000 - while he came out smelling like a rose.

There were days I was worried that her brain was going to explode from how horrible it turned out for her.

I can't even believe this is a real situation. I am dumbfounded.

If 1971 is your birth year, you are too "wise" to be acting this way. Even without him asking for the money, this is a shitty situation you are walking into. And you are afraid of bringing it up?

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What advice would you give a friend or sister in the same situation? This is a BOYFRIEND. Most everyone is happy together in the beginning. You haven't even started the day-to-day living with each other. What if he clips his toenails in bed? What if he stays up all night looking at porn? What if every single day is drama with his ex and kids? What if you find out that you're just not compatible?

Look, a civil lawsuit of this size takes at least three to five years to be settled, and that's if he agrees to something in a settlement conference. Proceedings requiring a jury takes even longer. Both will costs you tens of thousands in attorney fees. A small claims takes only a few months, but at most you'll recover 3-10k, depending on your state guidelines for that court. And you run the risk of getting a judge or jury that looks at you and thinks the same thing that EVERY single person on this board does: "WHAT THE F*CK are you thinking?!?!?"

This is not a "tough" question as your heading states. This is a no-brainer. Don't be foolish. It will not turn out well for you. No one has ever said "Gee I'm glad I gave my boyfriend that money. That was a great investment." The courts are overrun with cases that started out just like this.

honey, you're still looking at this relationship with rose-colored glasses and still afraid to speak your mind. the best advice i've ever been given is : NEVER BE AFRAID OF LOSING A MAN

Many, many, many women who have blindly walked into a SM role with a man they were head-over-heels in love with....would LOVE to have 90K in a bank account to extradite themselves from the situation they are now stuck in!

PLEASE do not give the money to a guy who was worried more about his CHILDREN than you.

In my instance, we bought a house that *I* loved. That didn't even HAVE a yard. Not all that great for his skids. And I am very glad that we did it that way, since his kids never wanted to go outside to play ANYWAY!

I definitely do not think you should put such a huge chunk of money into a home that you did not choose. He is thinking only of his kids and not about you or your relationship and I think you are going to feel very resentful within a few months of moving in together (if you don't feel that way already).

When DH and I got a house together (just renting so it's not as big of a deal as what you are doing but just giving an example), the house we got is not what I would have chosen for myself- it is only a 2 bedroom- 1 for us and 1 for his kid- leaving no room for us to have our own child together (I have no kids). I resent the hell out of DH because him and his kid are living comfortable while I am paying the majority of the bills, yet I can't even have a child of my own because I don't have a room to put him/her in, but DH "doesn't want to move."

Please do not do this!!! He is showing you who he is-- believe him!

Please tell me you haven't sold your house yet.

I would tell him your happy to split the monthly bills at his house for a year and keep the $ from the sale of your house separate, just to make sure you are or aren't happy there, and suggest/plan that after that year that you would be happy to split the investment on a new home 50/50 with him, one you both are happy with. That way he can feel safer about not loosing his investment on his house if things don't work out b4 the 1 year is up.. (assuming common law laws/rights are the same where you are 1 year doesn't entitle you to take half his house)

It concerns me that you even need to ask if this us the right thing to do. It's absolutely not. He asked you to sell your house and move in with him. You said yes. Safe in that knowledge he went out and bought a house with the best interests of his kids in mind. A house near the BM so convenient for him. A house he knew you did not like. But he did not care. He did not want your input.

I am old and cynical enough to think he wanted you to sell your house so he could use your money.

You are playing with fire here. DO NOT give him that money. You are afraid to speak up over this. That is admitting that you know if things don't go his way, then an argument will follow.

Tell him you are not happy with the house. Tell him you need time to see how the relationship works now that you will all be living together. Tell him you need time to think. He I believe had this planned all along. Yet he failed to mention it to you at the time of purchase so it could have been purchased in both names.

If you stupidly hand over this 90k to a man you fear and who had bulldozed you into it. Then you had damn well better do it in front of an attorney and SEE that you both sign the transfer of title into both names as the check us handed to the bank therefore immediately reducing the mortgage.

You would be very silly to hand this money over though. This man made a major purchase. Gave no thought to you and put his kids park and bedrooms above you. Then turns around after buying it in his name and asks for your money. It really is all about his and his kids comfort isn't it. This will get to you. You need to keep your money. PLEASE.