Unblended Family and Relationship woes.
Ok this is long and I will keep it as short as I can. We met, we blended (all within 4 months yes I know fast..) He needed a place to live as he was in the trailer in his ex wifes yard and she stayed in the maritial home with the kids. I was skeptical but agreed. There were a lot of red flags in teh beggining like he couldnt afford christmas for his kids and I had already got them a whole bunch of stuff so I said lets slap your name on it, DONE, no problem. Then turned around and gave his ex wife money for christmas. Then a few months in he couldnt afford his share of the bills.. I loved this man so much... again no problem we will make it work, and I did. I looked after them for a good half year. After that things settled and he was contributing fairly. We lived together for 4 years. He had 3 from a previous mariage, I had 3 from a previous marriage. We had a son together. There was always issues with his ex wife and his children being caught in the middle of it. was a long expensive court battle to get 50/50 of his kids.
fast forward too the covid pandemic. at this point we were together 3 years. I got depressed, I got major anxiety and things just spirelled out of control. He no longer was there to comfort me or be a support. He held me at arms length for months all whilst I was raising all the kids while he was either at work or out of the house to work on projects (car stuff) I started feeling really bad about myself.. I talked to him on multiple occasions of not holding me at arms length, I needed him... He didnt seem to either want to or be able to. Now here comes where I fucked up and I wish I could take it back. I asked permission to talk to other men online, just to feel better about myself because he wasn't giving me the attention I felt I so despertly needed. Never was there any intention of leaving, cheating, or anything like that, he said yes if I felt a little bit of attention would help then go for it. I loved him, and I still love him so deeply its gross. Please try and be kind, I know what I did was not right and trust me I wake up daily in pain from it.. I am getting my just desserts believe me. So a few weeks later, and mind you I wasnt doing this all day everyday or anything, he said he changed his mind and was no longer ok with this. No problem, we sat there and removed everything that involved this and talked about it. I again told him I am not ok, and I need a little extra love as I am having a difficult time with his ex issues, the kids all home from school, the depression and anxiety.. that I just felt like i needed an outlet that was seperate from it all and I apologized for making him feel unwanted.
Well, after christmas he left. and YES rightfully so. I ruined our relationship. We seemed to be doing better. He was more attentive to my emotional needs, we were exploring more in the bedroom, having fun again ... and he left, no warning.. just one day gone. His parents bought him a place, and he gave up his 50/50 and now has hid kids every second weekend (he has said he can't do it on his own, his words)
So this year 2021 has been hard. We both have been back and forth to wanting one another back. He saw some people, I saw one dude.. in which when that happened he begged I end it and take him back. Which of course I did.
We have been together since June because before that it was a lot of on again off again. We can no longer have what we had.. turns out he wasnt happy with the blended situation and our whole "happy" family life for 4 years. I ultimatly wasn't either but I always grieve the family life we had. He no longer wants to be in my kids lives. We are both depressed. He can't handle more then the minimum irght now, he managed to put his back out so bad that he is off work and has been for a few months.
Now we are living the life of him and his me and mine and we get together with our mutual son during the time our other kdis ar with their other parents (yes the kids are very loved and looked after well on both ends and are sheilded from all of this).
I am in constant pain. I miss him every day I am not with him. I am waiting on therapy for myself, he doesnt believe in it so him going wont happen. I dont know what I am looking for here... I guess I will end up with a lot of you did this to yourself and I deserve it. My loved ones know of the situation and say I am better off without him as I was the one who looked after everything while he went out and had fun. I am so tired of hurting, or longing for him and living this double life. The idea of leaving him though is just to much for me and I won't do it. Im sure he will end up cutting those ties with me eventually as when he is having lows I am too much, his good days he is there for me and very affectionate. I try and be understanding as I was the same way when I was severly depressed when he still lived here.
This whole thing makes me come off as trailer trash. I feel like trash. I feel lost, I am hurting.
I forgot to mention
I live in the city, he has moved out of the city a good 40 min drive away. He keeps bringing up that I should move out there.. not with him but my own place so we can be closer. Leave my home (my kids home) I dont qualify for a mortgage right now but its something I am longing to do... I know its not good for my kids but I still daydream about it
Enmeshed
You sound like you are pretty enmeshed with this man. You're probably my granddaughter's age so if she told me all this, I'd say, "Go to court, get child support for your baby. Keep your job and concentrate on raising your kids. Let this man go, you have enough problems without him and his. Try to line up some counseling so you can figure out why all this happened and how to move forward".
I know it's hard when we lose a close connection but you need someone more stable. Good luck.
I have our mutual son full
I have our mutual son full time, no set sced as I do a lot more with my kids then he does his so if I have an event planned I keep our mutal son to do these activities ( we have kids on the same weekend... which he did so we can have time together) He does give me child support without issue. I am on a waiting list for therapy. The thing is I am having a hard time not being with him.. I so desperatly want it to work
I am 31
What would happen...
What would happen if it didn't work? That's the thing to get your head around. Are you worried that you'd never have another love? I can remember when I was 25 and started thinking about divorcing my ex. I thought, what if I never have someone else? Honestly, if the situation hadn't been so dire (drugs), i dont know if Id been strong enough to go thru it because I loved him so much in the beginning. Fast forward and my now DH and I have been together for almost 50 years.
You're 31, you're so young, there's so much ahead for you. I know it seems like things will never change but you can make a better future for yourself and your kids but I don't see him in that picture.
Think about this, it's good
Think about this, it's good advice. JRI is both kind and wise. A big part of moving past this pain is learning to see the possibilities ahead of you.
Love your children, love yourself. It's ok to grieve your relationship but don't beat yourself up thinking it was all you who broke things. It sounds like he carries some responsibility too. It was a very tough situation you were in. Take one step at a time hon and try to grow a little stronger each day. The pain will get better in time. You can come here whenever you need to, also try to stay close to friends and family that can give you support through this. Hugs hon
It sounds to me like it's
It sounds to me like it's already failed so I would ask yourself why do you want it to work so much? I understand it's hard but I wonder if you are clinging to the relationship more because you are scared of being alone as opposed to really wanting to be with DH?
Further, I think you take far too much of the blame on yourself. Your DH has hardly been an attentive partner by the sounds of things so why do you want to be with him so much when he clearly has never met your emotional needs?
I am so sorry for your hurt,
I am so sorry for your hurt, which I can feel coming through your post. I think deep down part of you knows that the situation is really bad. You speak about how it makes you look and feel to stay in this relationship. You talk about your family assuring you you're better off. And you enumerate all of the ways it already hasn't worked. All of the ways you've been unhappy and he's been unhappy and no hint about a stage in this relationship that was working for everybody. Love is one hell of a drug, I know, but it seems like those bursts of oxytocin are the only thing to keep you together. There doesn't seem to be a shared sense of family values. There's not a shared picture of the future, just him pressuring you to move where he is and leave your kids behind. There's no support from him and evidence that when times are hard he withdraws his support from you emotionally. And in a four year relationship, at least half of that should've been hormone soup honeymoon periods of real elation and a growing connection, not constant struggle. I heard someone say that if it's not a marriage you would want for your children you shouldn't stay for your children. If one of your kids was in this relationship, what would your advice be to them?
I agree that therapy is essential. Not just for you to be better in this exact moment, but for you to understand why you've chosen this relationship and keep choosing it. Why don't you feel you deserve to be treated better? Why do you keep going back? Knowing those things can help you make better decisions in the future and hopefully find the kind of healthy and supportive relationship that can be a great role model for your kids. Or not a relationship! Being alone is also super awesome! But whatever comes next for you, I hope it can be much healthier and sustainable.
i'm not a therapist myself, but here are a couple of ideas and suggestions while you wait to get off the waitlist:
1) if you aren't already, try daily journaling. This can just be your own thoughts and feelings of the day, or you can find some journaling prompts online, particularly about relationships. This is good for getting the feelings out of you and onto paper, but it can also be a nice record of how you have felt so that if things get emotionally confusing again, you can go back and look at how you've been feeling the past weeks and months.
2) this one is a little silly, but sometimes when I'm really panicking and in an anxious spiral, I put my hand over my heart and actually talk to myself out loud. I even refer to my heart as my little heart and ask it what is wrong. Hearts are like permanent four-year-olds. And that doesn't make them bad or wrong, but it does mean that they struggle to regulate themselves sometimes. That they're often scared of being abandoned. That they can pout. But if I think about my heart as a little child and care for it the way I would my child, I'm a heck of a lot nicer to myself and I can often understand where my anxiety is coming from.
3) Breath work or meditation. This is another one that I give my kid all the time when experiencing big emotions, and he sometimes tells me I need to be doing it too. Which I find annoying but he's totally right! Taking deep breath's with counting, or doing a meditation practice, is incredibly helpful and centering. Yoga can also be good for this if you don't like the whole sitting still thing.
i hope something in that list helps. I am sorry you're hurting and hope you can rebuild your peace.
What are his redeeming qualities
You didn't list any. I can't see why you would love this guy. He sounds terrible. He sounds like a bad husband and a bad father. He sounds selfish. It doesn't sound like he has the same morals and values you have. Google Mark Manson. He is a relationship expert and life coach. Start reading his articles. That's my best advice. Strengthen yourself emotionally and fix your picker. I also find the chump lady to be a good resource. Chumplady.org. Get her book and join her community . It will help on the strengthening yourself . Hugs. Oh and stop being so hard on yourself. You didn't cheat . You were open and honest about your needs that were not being met. You asked permission and received it . Let go of that guilt and shame. It isn't yours to bear. You are worthy of love . You are deserving of love. You do need therapy but until it comes available, start reading Mark Manson and really listen to what he says
Don't wish too hard for what
Don't wish too hard for what you want, because then you might get it. This man is not for you. Let him go.
I'm just not hearing anything that makes me think a relationship with him is worth it. He sounds like a user - he's happy to let you bail him out financially; he lives with you until his parents get him a place; he has his kids 50/50 only when you're there to handle them, etc. He didn't give you what you needed emotionally, and then he had you thinking YOU ruined the relationship. Newsflash - it wasn't just you; it probably wasn't even mostly you.
I hope you're able to get therapy soon so you can figure out why you're willing to settle for this man. Maybe you'll see that you love what you want him to be, not who he actually is. Until then PLEASE do not move to be near him. If he wanted to be near you, he'd move closer to you and wouldn't ask you to uproot your kids.
You are looking for
You are looking for validation and happiness in a man - that has to come from within you. Leave him alone and continue in the therapy. This relationship was doomed from the start, as you are both broken people looking to attach to someone to feel whole. That never ever works.
I guess I hold onto the idea
I guess I hold onto the idea of him possibly coming back. I feel like this is a mid life crises for him. That if I stick out the storm long enough, I will get my happy man back. We made a great team, had a lot of fun with the everyday mundane stuff. I am my 100 percent authentic goofy self with him and he with me. The moving thing would be me bringing my kids with me. I mean the other day he was his old self when we got together, it made my heart sing.
You need more than he can
You need more than he can give. He can't give what you need. You are better to move on than hanging on for the crumbs he can give you.
I don't blame him for distancing himself. I would too under those circumstances.
This didn't work. Move on.
ok, you need to stop blaming
ok, you need to stop blaming yourself for this
1. you TOLD him you needed attention, and he wasn't willing to give it to you
2. you ASKED him if it was ok to talk to other men, he agreed
3. when he told you he wasn't ok with it, you stopped
4. he still wasn't giving you attention
sounds like you were WAY more invested in this relatinship than he was. the guy is a loser and you deserve better
"I apologized for making him
"I apologized for making him feel unwanted."
YOU made HIM feel unwanted?! Are you serious?! You bent over backwards for this ungrateful, manipulative lout who kept you at arm's length and you think he's the victim??? Lady, you need some serious counselling to find out why you think you deserve no better than this waste of space. You deserve SO much more and SO much better. So what if he makes you laugh once in a blue moon, that is not enough to build a relationship on. And please stop blaming yourself - it takes two to tango.
He's giving you crumbs when
He's giving you crumbs when you deserve the whole cake.
Look at the pattern. Uses you, then shuts himself off.
Throws you crumbs whenever you're stating to walk away. Breaks you down whenever you stand up for yourself.
He has you convinced that if you just do as he wants, he'll allow you to be happy.
That's not how it's supposed to work.
Advice from an oldster: stop. work on you. then reevailuate him after you've given yourself the care you need.