So sorry for the lack of respect it seems that both DH and SS have for you...it's a shame truly. I know that most posts come from other women and support is very important amongs you ladies, but from this stepdads point of view that text message could have a few different meanings. First the fact that he has told you to back off sounds like he believe you are interfering or meddling in what he believes is his business. If thats the case you need to make it perfectly clear that being married to him IS your business and that is what you both agreed upon when you entered into this union/partnership. As is the case with most men they feel they can handle anything on their own and don't need ANYONES help so don't take it personally (especially when he says you're not a parent, thats BS, don't have to be a parent to have manners and know right from wrong). As for the next line, you've just come into my life, sounds contradictory to what you've said which is you've know each other all your lives. I mean yes, just coming into my life as a wife ok, but obviously if you've been around him all his life you are probably well aware of his situation. This usually makes men uncomfortable because it leaves little wiggle room for things like lying and partial truths because they know you know. Now for the flip side. While I don't condone not saying hello, because again that is just an issue of manners, was he excited to talk to his DAD about the big football game? Sometimes there are things that a child, bio or step, can just relate to better with a specific parent. I know I NEVER talked football with my Mom lol so althought it might have been a slight, and I'm sure you can tell the difference, it may have been inadvertent. Of course the lil sucker could have done it on purpose to piss you off as well lol. Lastly, your husband is asking you to let him do this on his own...and this may be the toughest part for you becase i'm sure you want to help, but my advice would be to tell him no problem dear...i'm here if you need me, HOWEVER as a family with a stepchild I need you to know how important it is to me that we work this out...for both us as a couple and your son. It will go a long way in making it better for him when here and for us. If he does that and the lil f**ker is still disrespectful...run his ass over with the truck...that will teach him some manners! LOL Good Luck!

That's ridiculous! What is it with these guys? SD16 does the same thing, gets in the car and refuses to acknowledge me. We have long since passed the point where I still expect DH to parent her and teach her proper behavior. I don't care if she's a total brat. DH actually claims I should be the one to say hi to SD16 first because, I'M THE ADULT. Meanwhile, I'm constantly prompting my two BDs (6 and 3) to be polite and say hello to adults FIRST. And for sure to respond back when they greet BDs. It's amazing why lack of respect and rude behavior are ALLOWED in step kids. What's UP?

Crayon you are spot on with that statement! Bravo!

Same thing goes for wandering eyes when getting reprimanded...I tell my kids as they try and look away "Dont you DARE take your eyes off of me as I speak to you!!!" Amazing how quick their heads snap up lol

Ugh Stuk...I have the same issues. We all have this happen to us, for sure! And the reason it hurts when we are slighted or ignored is because we WANT TO BE PART OF THE FAMILY!

What i'm learning to do is not give a shit. I don't mean to be harsh. I have to face that my SD9 and DH are alawys going to have this "special bond" that doesn't include me. Fine. Is it disrespectful to be ignored? Hell yes, but she's not my kid, not my problem. If her father thinks its okay for her to act this way and grow up treating people this way, it will come back to bite them in the arse, not me. So, as difficult as it is. I TRY to just "walk away", and let it go. And currently Stuk, I'm looking at getting an interest, something that fulfills me, outside this house and this marriage. So that when stuff like this happens, or when DH is does something idiotic, or SD9 is driving me sideways (which is most of the time), I can just go and do the thing that I love to do, and those awful times won't be so difficult. We all should do that.

Ugh, there is so much I could say on this topic because I've lived it for 3 years.

Stuk...too bad we don't live in the same city, so when these kids are driving us mental, we can hook up for a little glass of booze, a little vent and then talk about EVERYTHING ELSE that's going on in our lives other than the DH and the skids. For example,I could tell you that there's some new eye candy that's just started at my company. Tall, dark, dimples....really good looking. Can you believe I went to bed, after a particularly long and exhausting skid day, and imagined myself, single with the new eye candy, frolicking on a beach. Ahhh, it was marvelous.

I think your husband is a coward by doing that via texting.

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:

The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.

First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.

Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.

They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.

I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.

You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.

I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.

Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".

Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.

With that things got much easier around the house.

Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.

*********************

It may be that 50 years from now the only important thing you did in this life is to be important in the life of a kid.

He's not a little child learning. He's 17 and its called respect towards another human being. fine he ignores you and you ignore him but make it very clear to your boyfriend there that it doesnt' matter if you dont have kids, ITS CALLED RESPECT AND ITS OBVIOUS HE HAS NOT TAUGHT THAN TO HIS SON. So bear in mind, that.
Plus, the next time he goes to pick up his son, it wont be in YOUR TRUCK. Why should your bf have perks for his disrespectful son?
I remember a few years back my dh said, oh you didnt' say hi to sd, your being rude. Me???? i told himoff and said ' if your excunt can't teach her to be respectful upon meeting any human being its not my fault!, i do not stoop for anyone. if she wants to ignore me in my car, fine,but i'll be damned if you trapse her around in MY CAR for her benefit. cause if you do, then i'm stopping all payments and you can foot the bill!' Lets say daddy had a talk with her after that.
From time to time, she'll call and never say hi, its just' is my dad there' and for a while i didn't respond, i would just put the receiver down very loud CLUNK and call my dh loudly for her ot hear.

I would start ignoring the kids right back. Don't pay a cent for them but at the same time discuss how it all makes you feel that he would allow you to be disrespected in your own home and car. Not cool and he needs to teach that brat some manners. I'd also talk to the son and say, if you are going to be in my car, take advantage of things I provide and live in this house then you will show me some respect! You will not come into our home and cause shit!!!

Hi all; I am new to this sight and planning to call my attorney on Monday unless someone can tell me I'm wrong.
2nd marriages for both my husband and I. He moved into my house in the beginning and immediatley started on my daughter, she was 12 at the time. "I wasn't capable of raising her" (my son has had drug problems for years), he expected respect and had no problem demanding it. My ex was no longer allowed in the house, her freinds were all trainwrecks waiting to happen, in fact according to him she was the worst. He was rude to her freinds, refused to allow sleepovers, I had to discuss with him her every move. He opened report cards and told me how to dicipline her or I was taking everything away from her. He diciplined both she and I in front of his kids, tells his ex everything, lies to his ex about his kids behavior on vacations and has seriosly made it impossible to have a relationship with his kids. There is NO respect whatsoever. When we got married, his ex planned to attend, I put my foot down. Every Christmas, the ex assumes she is welcome to show up anytime and stay while we open gifts. Have a party, the ex assumes she is invited. Of course I am the bad guy because I think it is inappropriate. The kids and the ex totally ignore me, he and the ex plan everything, I'm told at the last minute or not at all. Example, 2 Sundays ago we had tickets for the Rams/Colts game. We invited another couple, then I find out he got tickets for his kids, then it was he just got the tickets, daughter has her license and will drive she and her brother to the game. Day of the game - long story short, I walk out to find him putting them in the freinds car to go with us. I was never asked, it wasn't discussed with me. Needless to say that would lead to stress, my freind got drunk, all witnessed by kids that should not have been there to start with. The ex schedules my husband for volunteer activities ("good family" time).
I am rambling, there is so much more. Is anybody oyut there?

I would love to see someone do something to get his attention before I have to pull the plug. It won't change anything. Last night we got into again, now I'm trying to tell him to not love his kids and to not co-parent with the ex.