Vacations!!!
It's that time of year again. I used to love the Summer and now it is a time of stress and fights. The same fight over and over again. Only this year, I have to say it has been less explosive than usual (so far) but the stuff is still there bubbling under the surface and there probably would be a HUGE fight if I actually spoke my mind.
Sorry, I'm harping on and on. The problem is the following:
1. Skids live with BM.
2. My kids live with me (and DH, though he's working away at the moment and we're living apart)
3. I work full time. I earn more than DH.
4. DH dedicates a LOT of his salary to BM and his kids (BM doesn't work). He doesn't have a lot to spare.
5. BM has only taken two vacations in the five years since they split up and both times she didn't take the skids.
6. I used to travel a lot with my kids' BF. I love to travel. My kids love to travel.
7. I need a break.
8. DH is taking his kids away for four days. It has been arranged last minute and I have to work, so I can't join him. I figure he needs time alone with skids, so it's not a problem.
9. I propose that me and my kids will maybe go away somewhere (not expensive) for a week or so later in the Summer. I ask DH if he will be joining us.
10. DH tells me he will only come with us for four days maximum.
He doesn't feel it's fair that my kids have a longer vacation. I don't feel I have to compensate for BM's lack of motivation. I do not ask DH to pay for my kids' vacations.
This is symptomatic of many of our fights. He resents my kids having so much more than his kids. But I work so damn hard and my kids don't even have that much (a lot less than they had when I was with their BF, so they make sacrifices too, not just the skids). I know that I should maybe just take the skids on vacation with us but there would be five kids and for me that is just not a vacation. And there is a principle involved that is about his expectations of the situation. It's like the reality of the situation has never hit him. He refuses to accept sometimes that he walked out on his marriage and there are consequences!
I feel like he is always trying to even the score and comparing what my kids have with what his kids have. I know he must feel very guilty about the life his kids live with BM but they don't live bad. They live a pretty similar life to the one they lived when he was around. it's only now that he has been with me and my kids for the past four years that he sees what his kids COULD have. But they never had it! To me, what my kids do and what my kids have has NOTHING to do with his kids because I'm not asking him to pay for it or organise it or anything.
So, in the end, I have to say that I will do nice things. If he doesn't want to enjoy life with me and my kids because he feels too guilty that his kids aren't included, then that's his loss.
Am I completely in the wrong here? Should his kids be included in everything we do? I think it is selfish of him. I told him that I understood that being on vacation with me and my kids made him feel guilty. I told him that it was reasonable to feel that way. But it was not reasonable for him to expect us not to GO or for him not to join us because of that. In the end, he said "you can go but I can't". But I want my partner on vacation with me. Is that too much to ask?
We can't talk about it without fighting because there really is too much resentment there from him about the difference between my kids' lives and his kids' lives, so I might just have to write him a letter. What would the letter say?
x
How as about the two of you
How as about the two of you taking adult only vacations?
If I had minor kids, I would never agree to leave them behind while I vacationed with my stepkids. I would agree to adult only vacations, bio only vacations and blended vacations.
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Your DH is being a total
Your DH is being a total asshole.
Whining about "it's not fair" that your kids have more - well he's the one that chose to breed with loser BM. That is not your fault. Your kids have a mother who does not sit on her ass. His kids do not. That is not your fault.
His kids also apparently have
His kids also apparently have a loser Dad.
Why is BM the loser? This
Why is BM the loser? This guy cheated on his wife with the OP. He walked out on his family. He's the loser not mom.
? Has that all been bought
? Has that all been bought up before this thread, because I see nothing here about cheating?
Hardly relevant either way...
BM sits on her backside and does not work, ergo her kids have a lesser lifestyle than the OP's because the OP gets off her backside and works hard to provide a lifestyle for herself and her kids....
Not at all unreasonable to expect your partner to go on vacation with you.
He is being ridiculous.
Yeah I don't see anything
Yeah I don't see anything about cheating here. Cheating or not BM is not working. Birthing a baby does not give one the right to never work again. Most women that I know are willing to work their rear off to provide for their children. Women who live off the child support when their children do without should be ashamed of themselves. And yes I do believe that a woman who uses CS for herself rather than for the kids is a loser.
Yes, thank you for picking up
Yes, thank you for picking up on that, BM has not worked for five years. Her kids are in school, she was a stay-at-home Mom for years, which I respect, but now she can work. She chooses not to. She doesn't even pay her half of their mortgage. The money that DH gives her for the kids pays the mortgage and all her bills and somehow, by eating at her parents' house most days, she makes his money last to the end of the month. I am quite sure he passes her extras on occasion but I am done fighting about it. They don't go hungry. Mine don't go hungry.
So, my question was not about who was the biggest loser (DH or BM..or me?) but about what I might put in a letter to DH about how it's not right for us to compare with his kids have and what my kids have. But every time U try to talk to him about it he just makes me feel very guilty, saying that I don't see his kids as part of the family because they don't live with us and that my kids ARE part of the family, which he doesn't agree with. He says that ALL the kids are as much a part of the family as the others.
My view is that they are part of the family but that they are not a part of our household. We don't have custody. We don't even have 50/50 custody. My kids live with me. And my view is that you go on vacation as a household. You might invite other people along but they do not have the right to come along. They can go on vacation with their household. But he doesn't accept that and, to be honest, I don't even know if I'm right to think that way. I understand that he is crippled by guilt but I don't think it is fair that my kids should have to miss out because of that. I try to be understanding but sometimes i just feel like writing a letter that says:
I am going on vacation for two weeks to play with my kids on the beach. I work hard and I deserve the break and the quality time with my kids. I would love you to come along. If you feel that you can't, I will take someone else away with me who DOES want to have fun with us. You stay at home watching TV with your fat kids.
Seriously, what could I put in a letter that would help him to see my point of view? He just sees it as me excluding his kids but I can't get him to see that this is a pretty normal situation. I had a stepdad and I can NEVER imagine him saying he wouldn't come on vacation with us because he felt too guilty! OK, he probably felt guilty about his kids being at home with their BM but he accepted that as part of reality.
OP your kids are the
OP your kids are the stepkids. No matter how well behaved they may be they are still SKs. Many SPs do not want to play happy family with their SKs.
He has agreed to four days. That's better than nothing. In time he may work up to a week or more.
Sorry, but if you take on a
Sorry, but if you take on a woman with kids, you take on those responsibilities if you KNOW she has 99% custody of those kids when you get involved. You can't just say "hey, I only want to share your bed...not the tough stuff!". If I just want someone to share my bed, I can go out and do that easily. I wanted to share my life with someone.
I take on the responsibility of his kids (the part that corresponds to me according to the custody he has and the time they spend with us). He should do the same. I'm not saying he has to love my kids but I am a package deal and I always have been. If a man does not want a family life, he should't get involved with someone with kids. Just my opinion.
And you are probably right, in time he probably will work up to a week or more. He is willing to go for more than a week if we are going to see my family somewhere. Then there is the built-in excuse for him...if we're going to see my kids' grandies, for example, then it justifies him leaving his kids behind. if not, he can't justify it to himself.
But the problem here is that it is not about him not wanting to spend time with my kids. he is really really good with my kids (when his aren't around. i would probably understand that more. But this is purely about evening the 'score' and guilt.
Are you open to adult only
Are you open to adult only vacations?
Disneyfan, I am open to adult
Disneyfan,
I am open to adult only vacations, we took one last year but it was REALLY hard to get DH on board. In the end, he agreed but he felt guilty as hell all the time and we got a lot of "SS would just love this" and "how much have you spent on gifts for your kids? I should get SD something else". Always with the competition! But, despite that, we had a really wonderful time and I would be happy to do that again.
Thanks for the suggestion.
I can see you not wanting to
I can see you not wanting to provide for his kids and you shouldn't have to. BM and your DH should provide for them and you should not feel guilty for what you provide for them. However, it does not need to be rubbed in the skids faces that your kids get more either. Harping on what BM should be doing is only going to make your DH feel sorry for his kids and make him more determined to make up for her shortcomings. If you are not careful this could really cause problems for your family. I would continue to give my kids whatever they needed but save the commentary. Assuming all their basic needs are met and it is only a difference in the "extras", then DH will have to handle it just like if it was a neighbor kid who has more than his kids. If skids complain they want xyz, he can tell them to put in on their wish lists for birthdays or Christmas or they can earn the money to buy things themselves.
As far as expecting him to spend time on vacation with your children when you aren't going on the vacation with him and his kids is not realistic. You can't have it both ways. He is not going to do stuff for/with your kids if you are not willing to do the same for his kids. You may not see his children as part of your household, but he always will no matter how little time he gets with them. His kids are not "other people" to him, they are part of him. If you force him to go without them, he will be resentful and you won't have fun anyway.
In my humble opinion, it is reasonable to expect him to take you on couples only fun vacations and it is reasonable to have family vacations with all the kids and it is reasonable for you each to take your own children on vacation for special bio time. It is NOT reasonable to ask any parent to exclude their children from a family vacation. That gives the impression that you want him to be part of your family but you don't want his kids to be part of yours. I think it's natural to feel that way, but practically speaking it won't work out if you separate his kids from your family. It has to be a balance for it to work.
I hope I didn't offend you with this advice, I try to always give my honest opinion in hopes that it helps if not, sorry to make you read all that
you say your dh doesn't have
you say your dh doesn't have alot of money to spare. does this mean he's pulling his own weight in your household or are you subsidizing his life? if you are, it is because of YOU that he can even take the skids on vacation. if you weren't in the picture, would he have the $ to do so? are your kids suffering because cash-flow is being diverted towards his first family? you are not responsible for his kids and until he sees and understands this, you will ALWAYS have this fight on your hands. no, life isn't fair. he bred with a woman that won't work to make her childrens' lives better, so be it. in no way, shape or form should your children EVER suffer for his mistakes. and he needs to see this or you'll be MUCH better off without him.
Yosemite (and the rest of
Yosemite (and the rest of you), thank you for your comments.
I have gone on vacation with him and his kids. This year, he has booked his vacation time very last-minute because BM is having an operation and he has offered to have the skids while she recuperates. This has meant that I am not on vacation from work yet. I can't go with him. Two years ago, I went on vacation with him and his kids (and BM….who called every few hours on the pissing phone) for a week. But then when I wanted to book a trip with my kids he insisted that it was the same number of days that we had gone in vacation with his kids. This is my issue. My kids live with me full-time. Going away with his kids for more than a week is impossible unless it coincides with my kids' BF having them (which is really hard to organise). DH does not live with his kids and therefore does not have the same limitations with regard to who will care for his kids while he is on vacation. Plus, I do not agree with this tit-for-tat mentality of counting the days. I don't think things DO have to be equal in that way, I'm sorry.
I guess my dream of a family trip, with DH just taking my ex husband's place, is not reasonable. But I really don't think any of this would be an issue if BM would pull her finger out and take her own kids on vacation. Then DH wouldn't feel so guilty.
Every year I also take one of my kids away for a few days, just the two of us. They choose the place (within reason!) and we spend that quality time together. Now he is saying that his kids should get that too. But he can't pay for that unless he doesn't contribute to our household, which I am not going to allow. He gives so much to BM for the kids and I tell him all the time that if he stopped giving her extras, he's have enough money to take his kids somewhere nice.
Yosemite, you didn't offend me at all with your advice. It was sound advice. And you were right about the impression I give of not wanting his kids to be part of my family. But, you know what, that's not just an impression. It's the truth. And it's very bad of me to say that, I know, but it's the truth. If BM dropped dead tomorrow, I fully appreciate that I would have to assume the role of full-time stepmom and I am willing to do that. But I do NOT want his kids as part of my family. I'm sorry. I have a very wide concept of family. I grew up with all kinds of extended steps and half-brothers and sisters and step moms coming out of my ears! So I guard what is "real family" as the household. It's all I know. My childhood was so crazy with siblings crawling out of the woodwork so I guess the only way I knew how to draw some boundaries around all of that was to draw a neat circle around the people who lived with me. And even though only two of those people were 100% my blood and the other two were not, they were and always will be my real family. I guess I need to accept that DH does not feel that way. For him, family is blood and, to be perfectly honest with you (he has told me this himself) I am not even his 'family' as much as BM is still his family, because we're not married yet (doesn't matter how many years we have been living together) and she had his kids.
Guilt may just be an excuse
Guilt may just be an excuse he's using. This whole idea of family may be the true issue.
Since he doesn't even consider you part of his family, there's no way he view your kids as family.
How many people really want to leave their kids behind and waste vacation time and money on/with kids that are not yours?
i think the problem is that
i think the problem is that your bf considers bm family and you not. i would ask him if this will change when you marry? anything other than an absolute yes would have me sending him packing. your spouse is your next of kin, NOBODY is closer, even your own kids. i'm going to be honest, it's kinda understandable him feeling this way for a short period of time (one reason why it's hard when an engagement is dragged out for years), but i would have to know that this would change with marriage. in my personal opinion, if you havent made the ultimate committment of marriage, you probably shouldn't expect your live in to treat you as if you did. do you plan on marrying any time soon?
Kittttkatttt…Do they both
Kittttkatttt…Do they both live with you (BD and SD)? I do try to make DH see that what his kids have has absolutely nothing to do with what my kids have. At the moment, I pay for most of what they ALL have anyway! My cousin's little girl has grandparents (on her mom's side) who are literally millionaires. She has everything. But my other cousin doesn't go knocking on his door saying, "hey your daughter has got X and my kids haven't, that's not fair. Mine should get it too".
When I was a kid, we got one
When I was a kid, we got one vacation every OTHER year. Always as a whole family.
Why people feel their kids are entitled or deserve ANYTHING is beyond me.
He's taking his kids on vacation. You take your kids on vacation. He's clearly dealing with guilty daddy issues for cheating on his wife and walking out on his family.
As your DH, he wants you to be on level ground with him (financially, socially, etc). You don't feel like you should have to be, because it's not your fault his ex-wife doesn't work. But really, that's not HIS fault either ..
I don't know .. he's offering to go for 4 days and that's not good enough for you. I think you take what you can get and make the best out of it, or plan to do all of your vacations either as a whole "family" or as couples-only in the future.
You can't control BM. You can't make her get a job. You can't make her take her kids on vacation. Stop taking that out on your DH.
SMof2girls, you were right
SMof2girls, you were right about him wanting us to be on level ground socially and financially but the problem is that we never were on a level ground to start with because I am a professional and my kids' BF is a professional. We're not rich but we earn substantially more than DH. We are both educated and have both travelled around the world but I am from a working class background and nothing was ever handed to me on a plate. I have had to work incredibly hard to get where I am. DH is from a very different background. He's a manual worker and BM has never worked and is from a pretty rough family. I'm not judging that, it's just a reality. I love everything that DH is. DH had never even left his home town until we met. Yet he is not small-town minded. I tell him sometimes that he is comparing his kids' lifestyle to my kids' something lifestyle and that is something he and his kids never even knew before and if he continues to do that, he is going to run himself into the ground with guilt and I hate to see that. My family sometimes pay for my kids to take trips (my daughter might go away with my aunt somewhere nice and then my mom might take my son somewhere else). And DH really hates this. he feels like he should be saving money to take his kids on the same kind of trips. But he's not paying for my kids' trips. I would understand the conflict within himself if that was the case. But the only way he could save money for that kind of trip would be to not contribute to our household. and he is only JUSt managing to do that now because he is so generous with BM. And, for the record, it IS kind of his fault that BM won't work because she doesn't actually have to. He pays her enough to live on. Why work?
The funny thing is that sometimes he even convinces himself that if it weren't for me and my kids, he's be able to afford all these things for his kids. What he takes home from his salary after he pays BM is NOT enough to live on unless he moves back in with his parents! I think deep down he knows this is not the case and he feels desperately inadequate for the role he has taken on with me having been the breadwinner and the "man" of the house for so long with BM. That makes me sad. But it is what it is.
Money is a leading cause of
Money is a leading cause of divorce in this country. Couple that with a second marriage with kids from both spouses .. and you're staring down a very bleak tunnel.
You and your husband need to work it out. You need to lay some ground work and expectations. Make some compromises.
Just because your kids have always had all these fantastic things because your family can afford them, doesn't necessarily mean they should or need to continue. Especially at the risk of alienating your husband and his kids.
Get some marriage counseling. Blending the families is apparently important to him, and it's not to you. Either way, you're both "keeping score" .. and that is hardly ever a healthy thing. Since this blending concern is coming from a man who is still playing house with his ex-wife and kids (taking them out to dinners, etc), I would be VERY concerned about it. And let's not forget his cheating tendencies ...
I think that DH's perspective
I think that DH's perspective on this vacation issue is very immature. Though my SS is the only child in our home we struggled with a similar issue for many years.
My DW would get very tight jawed when my parents and my brother's family would schedule family vacations while our son was on SpermLand visitation. For years we did not go. I finally got through to my wife that if we did something while SS was in SpermLand that we thought he would enjoy we would do it again as a family later but that it was unreasonable for my extended family to forego vacations because of the visitation schedule and it was not fair to my wife and I to not enjoy ourselves while the kid was visiting the SpermClan.
Eventually we figured it out.
Hopefully your DH will too.