Bye
Wow. I'm free.
I'm hurting like hell but I am free. The weekend's arguments simmered to the point of a kind of forced cordiality (I said and did nothing about the dress) until SO texted me today to say that he couldn't believe how I couldn't see how stressed he was about him moving away from his kids and leaving his job and that I made him feel inferior economically and how he felt like I was the leader and he was just following me in life. And added: I have to make my own decision.
Surprise surprise. So all the "this is it now, we're finally going to be together, I can't wait, please get all of those doubts out of your head, I am going to be with you" have now become "you and your kids made me feel bad this weekend so now I can't decide". So I replied that I did understand his stress but that his behaviour had been unacceptable, period. No justification. I told him to stop throwing shit in my face, make a decision and let me get on with my life if he couldn't live with his demons.
His reply was mind blowing.
I did not understand the sacrifices he had made to be with me, which he listed as follows:
"I have sacrificed: my marriage (it was bad but I could have improved it). I never really gave my marriage an honest chance: my home, that I worked so hard to build: the day to day life with my children. "
He then asked me to list what I had sacrificed.
I didn't reply. I was done with "my marriage". He called after a few hours to "chat".
I told him I did not want to spend my life with someone who felt it was appropriate to include his car-wreck of a marriage in a list of sacrifices he had made for me and that he should go back and give that "honest chance" he felt he needed to give to his fucking exwife. He said "you dont need to call her that, she is the mother if my children. He said he had no intention of giving her another chance. But of course it was just me "maximizing" that element of the list when all it was was another item on a list. How very insecure of me! It didn't mean anything. Why was I making such a big deal of it? He wanted to know what sacrifices I had made to be with him because they weren't half as many as he had made. I said I refused to stoop so low as to list them because anyone who loved me would value them or at least be fucking aware of them. He wanted the list. I said it wasn't a contest and he said "Well I am not sacrificing any more for you. Do you get it?" I said "no, you spell it out". To which he replied "I am not leaving my job and I am not leaving my kids and I am not coming to live with you". I just said "how very sad. I'm happy that you have finally found the balls to say what we all suspected from the start instead of lying ...and that on those terms I did not want a future with him". He said neither did he but that we would talk about it more calmly in the morning. I told him there was nothing to say.
And that was it. I am still a little dazed. I came off the phone and I said to my sister "If I could bottle the soul-destroying frustration at trying to be heard and understood and having every word and feeling I express twisted like that, I would NEVER forget what that kind of abuse feels like. I could give it to every doubting victim who wonders "is it really that bad? Is it me?" I can't describe what that frustration feels like. When you KNOW something is so wrong on every level and your feelings are negated and you find yourself doubting your own instincts.
I may not post again. I dont know what the next step is. If I am too weak to see this through I will be too embarrassed to tell you all. Only professional help will get me out of that one. And if I follow this through, which I am so determined to do, then I'm no longer a stepmom of any description, so I will bow out gracefully. Thank you all so so much for being my rocks, my critics, my advisers and my fellow venters.
Sam x
No, stay!!!!! I am still here
No, stay!!!!! I am still here after break up.YOu will need us the same. Sorry about your pain, sounds like you did the right decision.xx
Wow, he sounds really
Wow, he sounds really abusive. And how arrogant of him to think that he could tell you what to do, like continue the abuse tomorrow.
This kind of condescending a-hole is the worst kind of man to be around. I think I'd almost rather get slapped around than have to put up with his emotional gaslighting. this guy is not a good guy. I hope you can stay strong and not talk to him.
But I've been there, and I know it's hard. Don't feel embarrassed about not following through. I myself have failed to follow through on my desire to leave. I cool off, things get better, and I don't feel as strongly about leaving anymore. But the time may come. I haven't lived with my guy all that long, so it may happen.
Hang around!
{{{Hugs}}}} Soo sorry, I know
{{{Hugs}}}}
Soo sorry, I know this hurts. You don't need to bow out; stay. you will need the support no matter which way you choose.
Hugs to you - stay strong!
Hugs to you - stay strong! You, sure as shit - do NOT need this fuckwit in your life! Sacrifice, my ass - he's obviously still sookin' about his marriage - send him back to BM and good riddance too!
Sam, so deeply, deeply sorry,
Sam, so deeply, deeply sorry, I understand more than you know how you are feeling right now. It will in time pass. Please be strong. Sam, he cannot change. He has a personality disorder, you know that. It is untreatable. Your love won't fix it. Nothing can because for anyone to help him he would first have to realise he had a problem. His disorder prohibits him from seeing that. This is a sick man who was desperate to get out of the mess he has created in his life (for which he blames you), that he ruined your dress on purpose so you would get mad at him, start a fight, and he would've ended it then. That was his plan. Hs back was against the wall, he had signed the contracts he agreed to hand in his notice, but he never planned on doing it, all he has and ever could offer you was a carrot in front of your nose to keep you hanging on. He knows you are done waiting he had to find a way out, he couldn't fight with you over the dress, so it was the weekend.
Watch out Sam. This latest stunt of his is just to scare you back into submission, into waiting just a bit longer. This too is one of his punishments to pull you back in line.
He's ended it, told you he wasn't leaving his job or his kids, but he will call again in the morning to discuss it more calmly. No Sam, his reason for calling again is to reel you back in on his terms now that he has threatened you, showed you he can leave you, he thinks you'll buckle and continue to see him on his terms. He wants you to forgo the life you need and want, so he can have the life he wants. Don't take his calls Sam, turn the tables on him. Show him you are worth more than he is willing to give, and yes, you can live without him.
Again, I am sorry. It hurts like hell.
Well, faster than I thought,
Well, faster than I thought, but here it is. The sorry call.
"I have nothing to say to you"
"I have no idea what kind of opinion you have of me now, it must be so low"
"You have no idea"
"I need help. I really need professional help. You are right. I can't get over all this on my own. How could I treat you this way? its not me. how could I say things I don't even mean. I really do need professional help".
"Yes, you do"
"I just wanted you to know that I called yesterday to fix things and then it just went wrong (yes, because I dared to challenge you and you weren't expecting it) and that what I said, well, that is not what I want. It is really not what I want".
"Well I'm sorry to tell you that this is NOT about what YOU want anymore. Now I have to go, I have work to do. Goodbye".
Me and my sister made a pact to use the money I had saved to help SO with his CS payments to treat my kids to something, guilt-free, at last. I'm going to Disney! Yay! No SO and no fucking skids! You lose.
Sorry, I said I wouldn't post again. Couldn't resist.
Well, faster than I thought,
Well, faster than I thought, but here it is. The sorry call.
"I have nothing to say to you"
"I have no idea what kind of opinion you have of me now, it must be so low"
"You have no idea"
"I need help. I really need professional help. You are right. I can't get over all this on my own. How could I treat you this way? its not me. how could I say things I don't even mean. I really do need professional help".
"Yes, you do"
"I just wanted you to know that I called yesterday to fix things and then it just went wrong (yes, because I dared to challenge you and you weren't expecting it) and that what I said, well, that is not what I want. It is really not what I want".
"Well I'm sorry to tell you that this is NOT about what YOU want anymore. Now I have to go, I have work to do. Goodbye".
Me and my sister made a pact to use the money I had saved to help SO with his CS payments to treat my kids to something, guilt-free, at last. I'm going to Disney! Yay! No SO and no fucking skids! You lose.
Sorry, I said I wouldn't post again. Couldn't resist.
Well, faster than I thought,
Well, faster than I thought, but here it is. The sorry call.
"I have nothing to say to you"
"I have no idea what kind of opinion you have of me now, it must be so low"
"You have no idea"
"I need help. I really need professional help. You are right. I can't get over all this on my own. How could I treat you this way? its not me. how could I say things I don't even mean. I really do need professional help".
"Yes, you do"
"I just wanted you to know that I called yesterday to fix things and then it just went wrong (yes, because I dared to challenge you and you weren't expecting it) and that what I said, well, that is not what I want. It is really not what I want".
"Well I'm sorry to tell you that this is NOT about what YOU want anymore. Now I have to go, I have work to do. Goodbye".
Me and my sister made a pact to use the money I had saved to help SO with his CS payments to treat my kids to something, guilt-free, at last. I'm going to Disney! Yay! No SO and no fucking skids! You lose.
Sorry, I said I wouldn't post again. Couldn't resist.
Well, faster than I thought,
Well, faster than I thought, but here it is. The sorry call.
"I have nothing to say to you"
"I have no idea what kind of opinion you have of me now, it must be so low"
"You have no idea"
"I need help. I really need professional help. You are right. I can't get over all this on my own. How could I treat you this way? its not me. how could I say things I don't even mean. I really do need professional help".
"Yes, you do"
"I just wanted you to know that I called yesterday to fix things and then it just went wrong (yes, because I dared to challenge you and you weren't expecting it) and that what I said, well, that is not what I want. It is really not what I want".
"Well I'm sorry to tell you that this is NOT about what YOU want anymore. Now I have to go, I have work to do. Goodbye".
Me and my sister made a pact to use the money I had saved to help SO with his CS payments to treat my kids to something, guilt-free, at last. I'm going to Disney! Yay! No SO and no fucking skids! You lose.
Sorry, I said I wouldn't post again. Couldn't resist.
Yay! You and your sister and
Yay! You and your sister and the kids will love Disney. He must have realized he went a bit too far so he couldn't wait till the morning. They will say and do whatever it takes to keep control, to get things there way. Yes, even say they need professional help. That's just to tug at your heart strings. Something they know you want to hear. They may like my DH make the pretense of going, but it doesn't change then, because they don't really work on themselves. No need really, they're picture perfect the way they are, just ask them. They're only going to therapy to keep you on the merry go round.
Oh nachomomma I had forgotten
Oh nachomomma I had forgotten all about the apologising and the sucking up I used to do in order to get dh to calm down. I gave up caring if he left a couple of years ago and stopped apologising to him for his verbal and emotional abuse towards me. Try it.
I realise now, that's part of the problem. They get angry with us because their kids are rude, ignorant spoilt, selfish and disrespectful and we expect at least a hello and goodbye, civility. We expect a please or a thank you, basic manners really They get angry with us because they feel overwhelmed by the mess they have made of their lives, they blame us, AND WE APOLOGISE. by that apology we are telling them, they're right, it's all our fault.
The best thing that ever happened to me was after taking his and his daughters crap for years, finally, one day I just got so worn out by it, I didn't care if he left. In fact I looked forward to the peace and quiet.
Don't apologise for something you have not done. Don't try to make him feel better because he just physically, mentally or emotionally abused you. Don't apologise if you have done nothing wrong. It encourages the bully.
I understand nachomomma and
I understand nachomomma and agree completely, the rages were tough, antidepressants calmed them right down I have to say, but the mind games almost drove me insane. He has been seeing a psychologist for 8 months, hasn't helped a bit. In fact it taught him new tricks. I used to go to every second session, but he was such a liar, and when i called him on it we'd spend the session with me saying it wasn't true and him saying it was. So I said I wouldn't go anymore. He went last week and came out saying the psychologist says he is doing so well he doesn't need to see him anymore. He will have one more session for a catchup in October. Must be a miracle because this psychologist said 4 months ago he would need years and years of therapy.
But like you, I am better equipped to deal with this now. I have more self respect and more self esteem, and as they say no use in flogging a dead horse. He can't change no matter how much I want him to, support him or love him. He is incapable of it. This is why I worry about Sam, she has her whole life ahead of her. She will never be the woman she could be,never have the life she deserves as long as he is in it.
So, wait - it sounds like you
So, wait - it sounds like you hooked up with a married man, who left to be "with " you. Now that things are going bad and he's regretting his decision, you are asking him to list what he sacrificed, while you refuse to do the same.
Uumm... You're getting what you asked for. Don't piss in someone else's pool.
Um... wow! My apologies for
Um... wow! My apologies for not knowing the back story of OP here but, I didn't see the part where she said she was the Mistress that he left his family for, nor did I see where OP asked him to list what he sacrificed while refusing to do the same. Can someone please enlighten me???
@ OP,
I think it is time for you to close this chapter of your life and work on a brighter vision for yourself. I know it's hard to do. I made my own exit 1 year ago and I do not regret it one bit. Xh left various VM's, Emails,& messages with friends trying to draw me back in. I ignored ALL and blazed a whole new path. Not saying that it's easy all the time but, I feel so much more human since I walked away. Best of luck to you.