I have to say I lack the insight to answer that question. 

All I do know is this. It's human nature to continue doing something as long as you are getting something out of it.  What that is I don't know, we spend out lives trying to reach self actualization? 

Although my parents have been married for over 40 years they definitely where not good role models as to what a healthy relationship should be. 

I honestly do not know what a "good relationship" should be or looks like. All I know is what I learn from making my own mistakes. I do know I am more accepting of things other people would not be because of my childhood experiences. 

If I were analyze myself. I would say it's a combination of being desensitized to certain behaviors because of my experiences. As well as my empathetic nature. I feel rewarded by helping others and I bring this into relationships. Subconsciously causing me to choose the partners that I do.

As a kid I brought home every stray animal I found, because I wanted to save them, I enjoyed the unconditional love and loyalty from them I received in return. 

When I was leaving my first husband, my former MiL warned that I wouldn't find someone better. People repeat their patterns. And she was both wrong and not wrong. I did find somebody without a serious mental illness, but they used to be married to an HCBM, set the emotional manipulation and eggshells and things followed me anyway.

i've definitely come to realize part of this pattern exists because, surprise surprise, my own mom was an HCBM. I was PAS'd and a "golden child" so a lot of these red flags feel pretty normal to me. I've definitely worked to fix that, and gotten much better at boundaries. But one of the common denominators I see in the Disney dad's and even in myself it is enabling. Sometimes it's the emotional training we get when were young, and sometimes it something else. I think that's often why, especially women on the site, say their partner is so perfect aside from their parenting. Those partners want to be super accommodating and do a lot of compliments and kindnesses and other things that feel wonderful, especially to someone who's a fairly natural caretaker. 
 

 It's all just a guess, but I'll be fascinated to see how this thread goes today.

I always knew that I was the common denominator but I was stuck in the mindset that if only I could get it right, he would love me. I was raised by a malignant narcissist father and my mother was either BPD or NPD (I'm not sure which). I was programmed in childhood that I was treated the way I was because I always had some kind of major fault that I had to fix or that I haven't yet accomplished something that I "should accomplish," so I wasn't "quite worthy of fulsome love and approval yet." 

I met DH and thought that the mini-wife crap and Disneyland dad crap were because DH found the SKs to be so much better than me and if only I could fix myself, he'd love me. It took me ages to realize that I had to change my mindset and it was then that I was able to call DH and the SKs out on their crap. 

I know that if someone wasn't raised by narcissists or abusive parents they look at some of us and ask why we stay. They don't seem to understand that it's because of the mindset we develop when we're raised by shitheads. It's way easier said than done to "just leave" because it isn't as simple as "just leaving." We think it's us. However, you know the saying about how we do the best we can with what we know at the time, but when we know better, we do better. Realizing that I still had that abused child/woman mindset and changing it has totally changed my life. But when we're still in it, you really don't know that the way you think isn't normal. 

I may get flamed for this but I think it is the bio mother of the children who drives a lot of the dysfunction.  Because of that dysfunction, the father must capitulate (to maintain connection to kids) or if he battles it, risk losing connection to kids. 

The only successful step familes I know have a bio mother who is mentally and emotionally secure and does not interfere with her exH's relationships. In fact, even if they aren't crazy about the ex's new partner, they make a concerted effort to "do the right thing" and will tell kids to be respectful, give the woman a chance, and will try to have a civil relationship with her herself. 

This is highly unusual though, because most women (I think) are hard-wired to be territorial when it comes to their children. They may see other women as a threat so their idea of parenting is to undermine any other female who comes along, as they don't want their territory encroached on.  There may be a variety of reasons for their dysfunction, ranging from unresolved feelings for former mate to an obsessive need for control over relationships. 

I believe kids' maternal loyalty binds are the burning flame and the relentless and toxic cultural messages that stepmothers are "evil" is nothing but gasoline on the fire. 

The common denominator is bad parenting resulting in poorly behaved children or narcissistic personality disordered bio parents (it could be your partner, his/her ex or both of them). Narcissists cannot make a relationship work long term unless then are using someone for some sort of benefits.

It's a complicated situation. Marriages and parenthood are things that most people have a hard to navigating and many are just making it up as they go along even after many years, now throw in a 3rd party to the mix and you are asking for even more troubles.

I believe as SParents we have the luxury of seeing the full picture of what BM and DH are doing wrong, but not our own wrong doings. Could it be there is a common denominator? I think in a perfect scenario yes. But most times it's just not that simple. Having read so many stories on here it's evident that many SP go through so much, whether it's their behavior, DH, Bm, inlaws or all of the above.

If I have to reflect on where blame lies in my own relationship I'd say it's a mix of everything. Me ignoring red flags, DH for his short comings as a parent, and BM for her own poor parenting issues and being an awful person.

I think low self esteem plays a role in why people stay in less-than-ideal situations. You question yourself, to the point that you aren't sure if your situation is bad or if your perception is off. Am I expecting too much? Am i not trying hard enough? Fear of change is also a big factor.  

It is the parents who bring ill behaved kids to their next adult relationship. 

 

It's pretty bad for a person to bring ill behaved kids into a relationship. But what is much worse is when these parents bring ill behaved ADULT kids into into their new relationships. These parents are FAR from being wonderful. 

A lot of the board members have adult kids who are well behaved, independent, pleasant, and kind etc. But then they get involved with a man who have adult kids who are control freaks, immature, irresponsible, lazy, selfish, disrespectful, entitled, and financially dependent etc. What makes these parents think any quality life partner would want to be a part of crap like this? To be honest I think alot of parents who have adult kids that are like this, and they tolerate it, are just as much of the problem as the adult kids themselves. Seriously, what kind of person in their right mind would accept such behavior, but moreso expect an unrelated person such as a stepparent to accept it also? 

When I realized how crappy my ex's adult kids were, I called him out on their behavior, but his also for tolerating it and expecting me to tolerate it also. At one point I was so feed up and in disbelief that my ex thought I or anyone else for that matter would want to deal with his circus that I just came right out and told him he was garbage, the mothers of his adult kids were garbage, and that his adult kids were garbage so there was no way I was sticking around for the madness. Lol So when it comes to the common denominator I would have to say it's moreso the failed parent because he or she is the one who paved the way for his or her new partner to have to deal with the foolishness. The failed parent should have just opted to remain single.

I see one real thread on almost everyone of the forum and blogs. We all must put our husband/wives first.

That is not to say that periodically the needs of the children don't become paramount. However, when the parents are adults and supportive of one another the relationships involved (children/stepchildren) become more stable, less needy and more independent. We should, in my opinion, be challenging our children and young adults to be independent and self sufficient. 

I left a damaged relationship  because the needs of one addict son overwhelmed the needs of three achieving children. The mother/son relationship was incredibly enabling and codependent. Borderline emotional incest. 

I think we go in a little bit blind and end up blindsided.

I still try not to be judgemental but generally want the time and money back.

Drugs and children over college age at home are now a blinding red light. 

This happens to generous men and women all to often. Be

Strong and decisive. Peace..

The issue with my hubs is he is too nice and tries to avoid conflict. He ignores and let's too much shit go. He almost bends over backwards as to make his kids lives as easy as possible for them or not hurt the feelings of his kids rather than being honest with them about things that in the long run will make ppl outside their circle not want to be around them. I didn't know his kids were so filthy, gross and had never been taught they need to shower after getting dirty or sweaty or brush their teeth daily before I moved in with them. I didn't go and inspect their bedrooms or see that stuff before. Hubs is not a drinker or druggie, he's very responsible and is co-owner of a small business with his brother. He's just too damn nice lol - which makes me sound like a bitch for complaining.  Idgaf anymore