Sorry to say but I had both #1 and#2 rolled up into one delightful package, with NPD BM.   In the early days with DH, she obviously would have liked to wrest him out of my arms and back into her own, despite the fact that the end of their marriage had been mainly her idea.   Recently she and my MIL (with whom we went no contact 2 yrs ago) became Facebook friends and keep brown nosing each others posts.  And yet, down the years, NPD BM has also been unco-operative, high conflict, aggressive, demanding and unreasonable. 

Have to say I would prefer #1 too, and pretty much for the same reasons you state; however, both BMs are manipulative and controlling either way.  Another plus, if you can call it that, for BM #1 is that these type of BMs tend to fade off into the sunset once the kids are adults, but I guess you could say at that point, the adult kids take on BM's old role of loathing dad and his wife.  I actually think many adult SKs are PAS'd to some degree by their BMs, either on pupose, accidentally or accidentally on purpose; yet, very few seem to pick up on this.  I'm not sure why.  I would imagine psychologically it is just easier to think that mom was right about dad being a butt-face rather than admitting that mom manipulated and controlled you too.  It is almost like some adult SKs don't even think dad has a side, point-of-view, much less want to hear it.

She would like to get DH back..(we will be married 10 years in July)..so she still "tries" this it's for the kids lets do x togther. 

and then when that doesn't go as she would like..you know DH leave his wife..

she goes to #1

DH is the devil incarnate and she must destroy the skids to get back at DH.  BPD all the way...unfortunately it has worked with SS.  He is failing school, doing drugs, etc.  But by all the is holy..he worships the Beaver above all else and remains intrenched in the Beaver Dam basement where I predict he will still be for many years to come. 

I think there's a common theme here. With both scenarios being two sides of the same unstable coin. BM was like option 2 (which really should be renamed to option 1 because it tends to come first). After some serious messed up behaviour that would be considered a relationship ender for most people BM tried to get DH back. Droned on and on about the sancity of marriage, importance of raising children in a stable household, sent him inappropriate messages on their anniversary, then flipped to hating his guts, then flipped back to trying to get him back.

Fast forward a few years and she's finally settled on bitter rage. Forget about what she said earlier about divorce messing up children and the importance of family. If she can't have him then he doesn't get to see SD and she'll rub it in at every opportunity. But at least that makes things somewhat easier because I can predict her now. And the fact that she doesn't ever communicate with DH unless to ask for money means nothing now that SD is an adult. I'd much prefer her constant hate over her still not letting go of her "love"

At first she was 2, she wasn't in love with him but wanted to act like a family. To have him on speed dial to put ss to bed, babysit for her etc. Refused to acknowledge me even when pregnant and said I was not allowed to go to ss school play as they should do that together. He took me anyway. 

When she couldn't get her own way, calling our family being priority over her demands  'pushing ss out' she bacame 1. And yes I prefer that, especially as dh could not longer ignore that she's a devious manipulative piece of work 

#2 is definitely worse!!!!!!!!!!

Neither is a good scenario and unfortunately most of the former spouses feel and act one way or the other, not in between. For mine it was number 2, her ex husband hanging around like a lost puppy behind my back and her encouraging it so she could gain from him financially. That is one of the many reasons we are no longer together. My experience is most of the exes are # 2 and when boundaries are set in place they become #1.

In my case, BM is definitely a 1, but she tries to be a 2 with DH's family and convince them she is the victim. She still gives DH the stink eye at any joint events, but tries to pretend that she doesn't when she talks to MIL. She also always has to go up and give MIL or BIL a hug at all these events, at the same time she is giving DH the stink eye. DH's family is dumb as rocks, so they think it's all DH's fault (and also my fault).  

I think I might prefer 2, but only because I've lived through (and am still living through) the misery that is #1. 

# 2 sucks. If you try to set limits, you look like the b#tch in the situation. She looks like the inoccent victim. When she is close with his family it's even worse, especially if they pressure him to cave in to her "requests." And you are just the controlling, jealous girlfriend who is trying to ruin their friendly coparenting relationship, which was just fine before you came along. After all, having mommy and daddy and grandma and grandpa all together, and having daddy do what mommy says is good for the kids! 

Nevermond that mommy is married to another guy and stepdad has no idea where she is half the time. Nevermind that daddy pays child support despite having the kids at his house every day and pays for everything for them while mommy uses the CS to pay for her Mercedes, $2000 purses (who knew such a thing even existed) and to buy rental properties. She has 10 houses now.....vomit! 

God. 

Those both sound horrible.

I have #1 situation. Thinking it over, I think I'd much rather have #1 vs #2 lol. 

But in a perfect world, I'd like a cordial BM who isn't bitter or hostile or selfish. 

Both are equally intolerable and should be destroyed.

If I had to choose, I would begrudgingly choose #1, because I'm living with #2 right now. It flat out sucks! It's putting enough pressure on my brain that when combined with other issues in the relationship (changing parenting style differences, SD and SS behaviors and significantly lopsided work/life balances) has left me at the point of thinking about ending it.

Sorry that you are having to deal with this.