What exactly is disengaging? Keep reading about it
Could someone offer some tips on how to disengage? What does this mean exactly?
I have 2 step kids age 18 and 16. In a previous post I described the 18 year old as a girl and the 16 year old as a boy because I was paranoid about them coming to read this stuff, plus DH. So I changed some of the details. But now I say screw it. I'm not going to try to change characteristics in the story. Boy is 18, girl is 16. The SS18 is horrible to me. Hasn't talked to me directly in almost 6 months--treats me like a piece of furniture. This is so odd because he was very nice the first 6 months. They got dumped by their borderline personality BM and now live with us permanently.
Being ignored would be fine but it is more than just that-- the kid is scary hostile. One example: I bought groceries which included half and half for coffee. Today there was none left because the SS18 used it on cereal because there was no milk and he didnt bother to tell anyone. When I asked him not to do this again he just went over the top. My husband stood up and finally defended me. DH told him he had to be respectful of everyone living in the house. We all live together and have to be decent to each other. SS18 just kept saying he hated me, I was a bitch, I'm a snob and an elitest ( which is hilarious because I grew up with no money). SS18 said I was pressuring DH to kick him out when he graduates this year (after making up 3 classes he failed!). I haven't suggested this at all. I may not like him but I would never kick a kid out who is not ready to go, has a serious anxiety disorder etc. Suddenly this discussion with my husband turned into SS18 saying I'm smart and he's stupid and won't make it in life blah blah blah. See how this works? Can you say projection? The DH just kept countering every accusation about how badly I treat him with "well you have talked to her in months and there is no interaction so how can she be a bitch to you??"
Essentially he is having a meltdown about his future. Massive projection of all his anxieties about the future and anger on to me. Hearing the discussion between DH and SS18 was illuminating only in the sense that SS18 was completely illogical and irrational. I could see it really had nothing to do with me per se. BUT I have to still live with this kid. The hate coming off of him fucks with your mind. How do you disengage so this crap doesn't stress you out? I feel like the energy in my home sucks it out of me. On top of that I work largely from home and have a chronic autoimmune disease so I need to figure out how to not let this kid's hate and crazy stick onto me. I need to protect my own physical and mental health. Now the SD16 is starting to take his side. She talks trash about her brother to me. I realized I can't respond to any of it because she cannot be trusted.
Okay.... Sorry this was so long. Just needed to vent!!!!
I don't have any advice on
I don't have any advice on disengaging because I think it is hard to do when you are so personally affected by your SS's behavior.
(((((( HUGGGS)))))) to you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your SS could benefit from counseling so I would make that suggestion to your DH. Of course, since SS is legally an adult it is up to him (SS) but it sounds like he needs help dealing with his feelings.
In the meantime, I would let your DH address any concerns (about milk or otherwise) with his son because it wont be well received from you.
Sounds like the BM was a
Sounds like the BM was a failure in life and your SS had a real feeling of relief in coming into your home. Then, as he moved in that sharp transition year from child to adult, he had to confront his own fear of failure and the sharp contrast between you and BM then became a very painful issue for him as he perhaps feels he will fall on the BM side of the equation in terms of life chances. I agree counseling is the way forward and that DH should have a lot of alone time geeing him on as a man, also that you and DH need to make clear that no matter how bad he or SD feels, aggression and abuse are not tolerated in the home. If there is silent treatment/ignoring/pouting falling short of verbal aggression, this is so draining for your health and wellbeing. At that point you have to let DH know that it is damaging to your health if it has to be dealt with in his absence and you will not walk on eggshells in your own home, and lay down an expectation that SS must be out or in therapy within an agreed period.
Well disengaging means not
Well disengaging means not doing anything for your stepkids that their parents would and not concerning yourself in their lives the way a parent would.
As far as your situtation is concerned, sorry hate to say it, but it's actually DH's fault that his son thinks it's ok to talk to you like that. Even if DH comes in to defend you, it doesn't matter. He should respect his father (not you) enough not to ever call you anything but the name you were given. Your husband has to be the one to tell HIS SON to shut his fat trap, or he has to go. Your HUSBAND has to tell him that those types of comments are not acceptable to him and it hurts him (not you) when he flys off the handle like that. Aside from that, his kids talking about you is something you'll have to learn to accept. My skids talk trash about me all the time, and I realize that is something that comes with the territory. As long as it's not being said to my face, I could care less. I honestly think you should have a talk with DH about his son because he's actually the only person who can fix it.
I wrote this a long time ago
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
Love that last line OCC.
Love that last line OCC.
Thanks for all the great
Thanks for all the great advice. This is sooooo helpful. I like the idea of no longer driving the SD to places she needs to be, like her modeling gigs. She has delayed getting her license because she has 3 chauffeurs in the house. Tonight I was at the grocery store with DH who asked about getting certain food items for the kids. I said, sorry I have disengaged and won't be shopping for them anymore! No more rides, no more buying food, no more advice, no more rides to the doctor......nothing.
The SS18 has been in therapy from the first day when he moved in a year ago. So has the SD16. Their mother was batshit CRAZY--in that border line personality way (it was my first time dealing with a person like that and the behavior was mind boggling!!). Anyhow I pushed the DH to immediately put the kids in counseling with therapists that specialize in teenagers. The damage done by their BM is significant. The SS has a new therapist (again my suggestion that he switch to one that does cognitive behavioral since he has a bad anxiety disorder which includes compulsively picking his own skin and a few panic attacks). Anyhow, I overheard the SS tell my DH he was talking about his BM with the therapist. Hopefully it helps.
In the meantime, I think complete disengagement is the right way. It will be hard to let the trash overflow, the dirty dishes pile up etc. but my plan is to go the DH if there is a severe problem that needs to be addressed. Otherwise no assistance. I even try to make cheerful conversation with the moody SD who I discovered is trash talking about me with the SS.. Is it even worth it??
I should mention with the big blow up a few days ago, DH did tell the SS that his behavior is unacceptable, that he loves me and the SS doesn't have to like me BUT he has to be civil. 3 weeks ago he was being a jerk to me and the DH told him to stop being rude. Of course I chimed in with "don't be rude and treat me that way." His response was "Well I don't like you" as if that was justification! I kind of snapped and said "well I don't like you either but we are living in the same house so we are going to have to work things out and be decent to each other.". Later the DH told him you don't have to like your SM but you must be respectful. Also told him that you may not like your boss, or your teacher or anyone else in your life but obnoxious behavior is unacceptable.
We will see if the DH keeps defending me. He said today he feels trapped because if he comes down hard on the SS it will only confirm the SS's fear that he will be kicked out. I wasn't sure what to say. Because I personally think you have to be consistent. The SS's anxieties are his problem to be dealt with in therapy, right? Ironically, I have never once suggested kicking him out.
I know rational thought doesn't work with this kid right now but what I really want to say is "Look, if you are afraid of getting kicked out why on earth would you treat me so badly? DUH ! "
The other part of disengaging
The other part of disengaging is not just to stop doing for the skids (and for SO when it relates to skids), but also to stop talking about them.
I used to get so frustrated because SO would complain about skids, get me involved in the complaining, then turn around an act like nothing ever happened. Just back to coddling and ignoring whatever it was they did.
Now, when he complains I just say "That must be so frustrating for you" and I leave it at that. Change the subject or walk away. I also never complain to him about his kids or snitch. If I have a problem, they will know it. I don't go through dad. I forgot for a while that this was MY house. Just needed a reminder.