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what would you do?

rug beater's picture

Submitted by rug beater on Sat, 07/13/2013 - 10:16pm

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me and my wife have been separated for three years. I see her daily, and she spends her weekends with me.
The reason for the split, is because my now 24 year old stepson, caused quite the disruption in our lives. There are many stories I could tell, but I would be writing a book on the subject, which stems from drug abuse, and being totally reliant on us for every aspect of his life. Anyhow the wife moved out with the stepson three years ago, claiming she needed to "straighten" him out alone. Once the stepson was out on his own, we would live together again.meanwhile my son decided he wanted to live with me. I agreed, as he is my son and a minor child. Now the day has finally come, when my stepson 3 years later at age 24, just signed a lease for his first apartment. My son just graduated this year, I ask my wife if she is ready to move in together, and she says that my son is not welcome to move in with us. My son is not an innocent individual by any means, and I wish he was more motivated, but I feel he is a typical boy. He can be mouthy, and Lazy, with not much initiative to work. The difference is I can see his shortcomings, and I believe in giving him a time frame in moving out, as well as what is expected out of him. I feel my wife is not being reasonable. I cannot just kick my son to the curb, and I do not feel it was fair for me to wait for three years for my stepson to mature, and my wife cannot return the favor, what advice can you give me on this situation

rug beater's picture

Submitted by rug beater on Sat, 07/13/2013 - 10:59pm

I am very sorry to hear about your son, I really appreciate your advice, and I feel this is the best solution. I admit I do resent my wife for not staying with me, and not working through the stepsons problems together. I feel the same with the situation with my son, we should not live separate, just because one has a child. Regardless I will help my son, as long as he is helping himself, and needs me to get the start in life.

thanks again

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 2:10am

A lot depends on exactly how old your son is - you describe him as a "minor child" - does this mean he is under 18? If not, I see no necessity for your wife to agree to his moving in with you. She is probably exhausted from the stress of helping her own son beat his addiction and set out on his own - and feels she can't face another difficult young adult at the moment.

It may seem unreasonable to you, that you want to do for your son what she did for hers, but I can see where she is coming from. I think the key to this dilemma is negotiation with your wife - neither of you is in the wrong - it is just what each of you feels they can or can't cope with. Your relationship has survived a lot already - I hope you find your way through this.

godess-clueless's picture

Submitted by godess-clueless on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 4:20am

When I married DH many years ago I had my youngest child continue to live in the house we were at. I moved into my DH's home which was next door. She was in her last year of high school. It was a great way to push her toward independent living. I was available to her if she needed me, close enough to put a stop to anything she might be doing that I did not approve of. She had a choice of joining us for meals or staying home and doing for herself.

If the two of you have been covering the cost of separate places this long and your child is close to adult age then could you continue the expense a little longer?

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 7:12am

I think that if I were in your shoes I would ask my spouse I would ask if she would help you come up with fair guidelines for behavior and clear expectation for him entering adulthood. In all seriousness, my parents told me from a young age that the only way I could live at home after high school is if I was enrolled in college full time and working part time. I moved out at 18 and have lived on my own since. I choose a harder path in life and college would have been much easier had my parents helped bankroll it for me but I am proud of the fact that my accomplishments in life are mine. I will do the same for my children. I don't want to cheat them out of the experiences of learning on their own.

Maybe if rules and expectations are set, clear and you and she follow through (including no longer helping out your SS) you guys might have a shot. If that's not good enough than don't give up on your son, she didn't and put your marriage on hold for a grown man child.