Why are SParents so shocked about Skid behavior when we are married to the cause?
The adages "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." "A chip off of the old block.", etc, etc, etc.... exist for a reason.
Just wondering the general thoughts on this.
In our case, my bride and I have for the most part at least been on the same page regarding parenting and generally accepted kid behaviors. Rarely on the same sentence, but usually the same page. We had household behavioral and performance standards that we enforced. As such... the Skid generally had consistently acceptable behaviors. Particularly when we were in public. Of course we had the usual pushing of limits, kid brain fart stuff to deal with. But overall, he was a well behaved kid.
We have many long term friends who were always rather critical of how strict we were as parents. When we were dating and newly married we would take the Skid with us everywhere. All of these friends thought he was awesome and enjoyed him but.... "Why are you so strick with him? He is a great kid." were the frequent comments we used to get. These same folks now will rarely bring their own kids out in public and for sure won't bring them to any event that we will be at. They are scared to death to show their parental failure to us. On the rare occasions that they do bring their ill behaved spawn out with all of us.... they spend a ton of time apologizing, etc, etc, etc.....
So, why is an ill behaved SKid such a surprise considering that as Sparents we are married the cause? Or at least half of the cause?
Fair question, Rags.
Fair question, Rags.
I had typed a big ole response, but in summary:
1) Some are willfully blind and rely on emotional thinking.
2) You don't know what you don't know, and there's a scarcity of useful, truthful information on step dynamics out there.
3) Critical thinking often goes out the window when Cupid comes in the door.
4) People lie and misrepresent their situation.
Ding ding ding!
Ding ding ding!
Also, Rags, this is by no means a dig at you as I think you did a great job with your SS. However, for those of us whose spouses get EOWE and the ex is crazy/unreliable/bad parent/whatever, it's definitely harder to predict and correct that behavior long term, especially in younger children.
My SSs know what DH and I expect in our home and on his time. OSS has never been the problem, but it took YSS much longer to get with the program (though there is a 4 year age difference between them, so, again, younger kid = more issues). We both dealt with a lot of sass, back talking, whining, complaining, theatrics, etc. DH and I consistently shut it down, and YSS eventually learned that we're stubborn and won't give in like BM.
That isn't to say my DH is perfect. I have disengaged from certain things that I wholly disagree with DH on. But, as I'm disengaged, I just try not to care and make my expectations known. These kids won't live with me as adults, and they and DH know it. DH knows I'll die on that hill and take everything with me. So, it's on him to ensure that his parenting, and co-parenting with BM, is up to snuff.
I will say, I find it somewhat humorous when BM complains about how one of the kids' acts. She talks about YSS acting out in anger and hitting himself or his brother. Well, BM, do you ever sit down with him and make him count to ten? Do you ever hold him and cocoon him with your own body? Do you follow-up afterwards with a warm, but firm, tone? No? You just yell and tell him to calm down? Yep, can't see any reason why the kid has worse outbursts with you. I'm sure you LOVE being told to calm down when you're angry, BM...
So, really, when you're married to an NCP, you really do end up with behaviors that can be outside the control of your own home. Your spouse can try and try, but if you mix in PAS, mental health issues, and a court system that just LOVES to remind NCPs that they are ATMs and not real parents, you end up with unruly steps and a disenfranchised spouse.
Half of the cause
As you say, Rags, married to the cause or "half of the cause" - in my case the NPD BM was a very BIG half ;-) She stopped me having a relationship with the SDs by not "giving permission" as Wednesday Martin puts it in StepMonster. Given this situation, nothing I nor DH did was going to counteract this.
DH was to blame in the resulting mess in that he didn't have my back and insist on the SDs treating me in a respectful way when they came EOW. He was scared of losing them completely, but this is no excuse - he should have - and the fact that he didn't still makes me angry, although they don't stay with us any longer.
I like this question...
the answer in my situation was alot of our issues at the start were definitely a 50/50 split between my SO and his ex, we split up over it for a while in the beginning. They were both too soft and playing the best parent game, their DD was at the age where she was starting to use this to her full advantage. As an outsider coming in it was plain for me to see, I couldn't put up with it and we split, we got back together on the understanding that my SO got a grip which he did. Now our problems come from BM being still being too soft and not agreeing with how we are. However, even SD has laughed saying she feels like I'm in her head...I'm not, it's just because I don't wear rose tinted glasses and it's glaringly obvious when she's trying to manipulate a situation. I've taken a massive step back anyway but luckily my SO doesn't wear those glasses either anymore!
When I was married to my exh,
When I was married to my exh, we both parented. In the beginning. We agreed on rules and parented/disciplined equally. Then he started drinking and playing video games and gradually checked out so I did all of the parenting and continuted to raise the skids like my parents raised me - manners, chores, eat what's on your plate, discipline and conequences - they were lovely children. Until they saw their crazy mother or maternal grandparents, it was like they reverted to cave children. All of the lovely behavior went out the window and I was right back to square one when they returned. I'd have 2-5 days of utter chaos until they settled back into the routine.
With my current DH, he was a good parent when he was married to BioHo. BUT, when they split (no divorce/court order), she did all of the terrible things separated/divorced parents should never do: badmouthed/lied about him to the skids; withheld visitation when he wouldn't do what she wanted, which might include fixing her washer or babysitting her baby (who was NOT DH's); screaming at DH in front of the skids when she dropped them off or he took them back. 'Ho put the skids in the middle at every turn. "You love Daddy better" - yep, that old chestnut.
I swear, DH developed PTSD from this. By the time the divorce was final and the court order was in place, he was shell-shocked and scared the kids would not want to be with him. So he became a Disney Dad. It wasn't until PigPen stole from us that he finally snapped out of it and started parenting again. It also helped that I learned the most effective way to talk to him and approach him about things, like cleaning up after the skids. I said, "Honey, I honestly don't think that them spending a few minutes putting stuff away will make them think badly of you after an entire weekend of good times." So he started telling them, "Hey guys! 5 minutes to put up your stuff and throw out your trash before we load up and leave." And, by jove, it worked!! The skids were not traumatized and DH no longer had to pick up after them (I had stopped doing it). He started having them do more things - raking the yard, spraying weeds, cleaning up the garage. Saturday morning was for work. Saturday night was for fun, Sunday was family time. He instilled his work ethic.
The girls NEVER visited - 'Ho had already filled them with enough venom that they are now mini-versions of her. All they care about where DH is concerned is how much money they'll get for Christmas (which was a big, fat ZERO this past one). Even though BioHo still spews her bile and continues to try and poison the boys (the girls are a lost cause unless they pull their heads from their asses), the stage is set. SS18 joined the Army last year and has turned into a fine young man. He's at the head of his class and considered an asset to his unit. We just learned that he's being put into a specialized program that is open to very few people. DH is so proud!! And PigPen, while I can't stand to look at his greasy boy-bun and scruffy countenance, is a hard worker. He never hesitates to dive in and help DH with the filthiest task - and our garage has never been more clean and organized.
DH started out well, floudered, and it now back on track. It can happen.