WHY DO YOU TRUST YOUR STEPKID + LONG TERM LIVING APART

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First-time poster here. Thanks to everyone for the support and advice. I've really benefited from having a place to read about people's experiences. Now it's my turn.

My first question is: how do you know you can trust your SD/ SS not to ruin your life?

Bearing in mind how visceral their hatred of us can be, how and why do you trust?

I've been with my partner (DH, but not married) for just over 4 years. They were both (SD1 now 16 / SD2 now 13) extremely rude and made me feel uncomfortable early on. So I disengaged and kept my distance: didn't move in, didn't marry. Then two years in, we went on holiday for a week with them and they went on and on and on about a stepfather they knew who was going to be reported for being mean to his SD. That together with other very strange behaviour I won't go into at this point made me feel unsafe. It made me want to run.

Basically from that day, two years ago, I have never ever seen them for more than a few minutes and never, ever alone. And lo and behold, a few months ago they reported their mother to social services. I tried to find out what she was meant to have done, but I'm not getting any clear story from DH.

He is of course completely onboard with anything they say, and both skids have since moved in with him. The skids don't want anything to go before a judge – no shit? - and therefore the ex wife still gets money from him and the state.

To be honest I am afraid of them. You catch them lying and they'll tell DH you didn't hear right. They've recorded their mother shouting at them, and it seems to be a big thing with their friends. They record their parents and then play the recording to people outside the family.

Is this a new thing? Have other people come across this? I wouldn't have dreamed doing that to my parents.

Yep, why do you stay and all that. I know, I know. If someone had told me how horrible this was going to be, of course I wouldn't have even considered it.

I had considered having my own kid with DH, but time is running out, something which I am sure the skids realise being rather precocious on that topic.

I do feel bad for them. But I do realise my responsibility is to me, first, which might mean making a swift exit before I waste more time.

So, I was wondering: are any of you in strange long-term relationships which don't move forward, like mine, and where you're glad you didn't marry and move in together? How long can that set-up work, realistically?

And, yes the first question above interests me: those of you who do trust your stepkids, how do you know you can?

I don't think you ever truly

I don't think you ever truly know if you can trust anyone, you either have faith that you can trust someone or you don't. In your case, only a fool would trust your skids. They seem very manipulative and cunning and your DH enables that behaviour which will mean nothing but ongoing friction and frustration for you. Expect their behaviour to escalate if you were to move in with them and/or have a baby with DH as the attention would come off them somewhat and I doubt they would like that.

A lot of us don't like our skids but fearing them is another matter altogether. I love my SS but unfortunately don't like my SD but have never feared her.

I think you already know the answer to your problem, cut your losses and move on. Your DH will always priortise his daughters over you and you deserve better.Find someone without the baggage to settle down with and having kids or have a kid on your own.

Best of luck!

I trusted my DH.

He is of course completely onboard with anything they say

Your husband is the problem. I mean, your step kids are a huge problem but if your husband is on board with anything they say, you cannot count on him to protect you from their nastiness and lies. Which could have dire legal consequences for you, not to mention the stress of living in fear of the brats.

It made me want to run.

Then, run, you should.

I'm in similar. "Treading

I'm in similar. "Treading water" for 3 years now. SO has a son who has made false allegations of child abuse against him, and has some pretty severe behavior problems.

He is with SO 50/50 but on BM's weeks, SO keeps him after school for BM and this requires daily communication and exchanges. That plus there's a neverending ugly custody battle with this BM. That plus SO is really close with his family, they come to his house unannounced and sometimes when he is not there, and some of those family members are loyal to this BM and have actually spied for her and given her info she used in court. SO also has 3 other kids, two with a different BM, and they have some emotional issues and are still financially dependent in their 20s.

I really value peace and privacy, plus i have a daughter. I don't want to subject my daughter to chaos, since she's almost 16. After she launches, i'm hoping things will have calmed down in SO's situation and his son will have matured somewhat, at least to the point of being more independent so i would not be in a position of being responsible for him (thus opening myself to false allegations.) It's tough. We did not create the dysfunction, and i've learned that we cannot fix it.

Was wondering where you were today

Any updates on your situation?

On my side, the biomom was bullied into ceding custody. It's unclear what she was meant to have done.

The kids are out of control, or rather completely in control of their parents, wielding the little 'social services' card every time they don't get their own way.

Things got really, really bad before I left and now I feel like such an idiot for staying.

I'm going to do a full update, but wanted to reach out to some people who kindly responded two years ago.

Things have improved with SS

Things have improved with SS a lot. He has matured and his behavior has improved. SO has set boundaries with his family (specifically his brothers), and they have not been a problem for a while. A few issues have popped up with his daughters and BM1, but they are in another state, in their 20s, and SO has told them no moving back in with him. He has set major boundaries on BM2, so she is not a daily or even weekly problem anymore. She is, however, still trying to get more CS and they have a court date next week. We are engaged but no date set. It will be at least a year, maybe more. My daughter is in 11th grade so not until she graduates.

ETA I can't imagine staying if my SO hadn't set these boundaries. My only option would have been to leave.

Ok, weird coincidence.

Ok, weird coincidence. Shortly after i typed my previous reply, my SO came up to me and said he doesn't think we should get married or move in together until my daughter is out of the house. A little background - just over a year ago i was in a bad accident. Collapsed lung, 10 broken bones, smashed face, missing teeth. Bad. About a month later my ex said he couldn't deal with my daughter 50/50 amd dropped her off. They haven't spoken since. She has a lot of anger and has acted out a bit. She's in therapy, i've been in parenting therapy, trying to get her back to her usual high-achieving, well-behaved self. After all the BS with SO's 4 kids and 2 BMs, i have difficulty and that's it. I said, ok. This is why i've waited so long.

I was like "I get it, SO.

I was like "I get it, SO. Dealing with other peoples' kids problems sure is hard."

Welcome to the site!

Yeah, nope. Your partner is the main problem here and the skids are being enabled, due to your partner reveling in his winning of the "pick me dance", and now they live with him full time. Reports of abuse of children can get people fired and destroy lives. If they are falsely accusing BM of something, then bad on your partner for accepting that.

AND if things are this bad now, just wait till you move in and get married and/or have a baby!!!!! It will get worse because your partner is facilitating this.

I think that the kids recording of mom and dad when they are either drunk and/or yelling has been a thing since cell phones have become commonly given to kids. SD22 Feral Forger and Toxic Troll got into a big physical altercation when FF tried recording her mother while she was drinking and yelling. Now its screen shots of texts. That bit me in the butt because SD15 Backstabber texted me accusations and then showed her mothera - so even though I did not respond to accusations her mother took her texts as truth and went off on DH.

So these skids - children of divorce - become accostomed to playing the houses against each other, getting each bio parent against each other as well as pitting bio parents against the stepps.

Take a look at your post. Take a long look at what you want for your future. Im 53 and seriously regret not having my own kiddos. If thats what you want then its time you move on from this.

The children will always be loyal to their bio parents and its very telling that they backstabbed their own mother. That doesnt happen too often. typically its the biodad they stab in the back due to parental alienation.

Good Luck!

Tough Place To Be

While I am married to DH (14 years now), I know what it's like to be afraid of a SK. The youngest boy lived with us several times over the years, the longest was a year. And that was my "fear" time. He made some smart ass remark about if I hit him (16 yrs old then)....like I'd ever lay a hand on any kid...but I quickly grabbed the phone and told him I'd be happy to call 9-1-1 and have a deputy come to the house to speak with him about his baseless threat. And then I told him, when the deputy leaves, you will go with him/her or you will have your sister come pick you up while deputy is still here. Of course, when he saw I was serious, he made some lame apology and never did that again. BUT it never left my mind. For the rest of his time here, I rarely spoke to him and at night, I locked my bedroom door. (My DH traveled for work so I was alone with him 3 weeks at a time). It was a very hard 6 months. Last day of school, I happily packed his stuff and when he got off the bus, he did a quick check of the bedroom and we were off to Clan Land, where he was reunited with his controlling oldest sister. And he was never allowed to live here again, which my DH backed me completely.

In your position, I don't see anything changing. These SKs are seriously out of control, if they are reporting their own mother. DH's kids would never have reported their Golden Utereus mother....in fact, the adult kids actually lied to CPS to cover for their mom (multiple CPS reports over the years). If you are happy with the relationship "as is," then keep your own place and see him without his kids. If not, time to move on. Good luck to you!

Yes, it is really chilling.

Yes, it is really chilling. And the worst part of it is that the BM's father, their grandfather, is bending over backwards trying to organise fun things to do with them and the BM. They always go. They always take the presents and the trips and everything else that is on offer. In fact, they still stay at the mother's on and off when it suits their purpose.

No one seems to think this set up is weird. That they get to navigate between adults in accordance with whoever makes life easiest for them.

I sent DH a standard list of chores that parents should introduce gradually by age group, so that he would realise he didn't have to cook, clean, shop etc. all on his own. He refused to accept it. He considers that it's child slavery.

Which makes me think that here is a man who is hiding behind his children to avoid life and to avoid having to rebuild anything with anyone else. They've been divorced for 10 years now and he still treats them like they were 6 and 3, their ages when he left.

Exactly this!

If you are happy keeping your own place and just dating him, preserve the status quo. Definitely don't move in because you understand that would never work.

But it sounds like you want children of your own? If you really do, move on now and find someone who can be your partner, and parent with you.

Before all of this I used to

Before all of this I used to really like kids. Now I see them differently.

I think I would love kids, in an ideal world, but when I look at how hard it is for single mothers -- that's the plan right now, do it alone -- I just worry I'd be taking on more than I could handle.

And I don't know how much of that is influenced by the fact I am afraid of his kids. I am amazed that there is not more literature on this. Wednesday Martin's book is fantastic. But it's the only one I've found so far. Much, much more needs to be said about this.

For the sake of the women / men who walk into these situations with no information / guidance, but also for the sake of a generation of children who are growing up in stepfamilies. There is no roadmap for these situations and it's a disaster for everyone involved.

Same here

I'm 76 and the 3 SKs are long gone. But SD60 still comes weekly to help DH84 with yardwork. He'd like me to allow her to help with housework but since her last stay here 5 years ago when she stole from us and made our lives a hell with her drug use, I don't trust her. My own daughter told me not to eat anything she brings and dont stand near the stairs by her. The 2 boys are ok, SS58 is a dear person who I trust completely.

It seems that nowadays, kids are taught they can call 911 if they are in danger. Overall, that's a good thing but it's is so often abused, as in your case. My SGDthen12 and her dad were staying with our ex-son-in-a-law for awhile. ExSIL was teasing about how he'd have SGD do some work, like dusting. She was on the phone with her mom laughing about that and her mom said, as a joke, "call 911 and say you are being abused". We all laughed but I was thinking about Steptalk and all the false accusations.

ive been in a long term

ive been in a long term relationship of 8 going on 9 years. we lived together for 6 of those years but 2 years ago i had DH and his son (12 at the time) move out because i didnt feel safe with his kid. I would conitnue to keep your own place and keep dating him if you would like , but stay well clear of his children

DON'T bring a baby into this

DON'T bring a baby into this mess. If they would report their own mother, they'll do anything to hurt you and any baby you have. And if you have a baby then get a divorce, keep in mind thst your innocent child would be around these skids without you. RUN.

Welcome to the site!

I had an incident before I'd moved in with DH, where his exW told him she'd reported him to Social Services for abusing the SDs (then aged 5 and 7) - it turned out when he contacted SS that they knew nothing about the family - it was a lie that BM told. From that time on, I resolved never to be alone with the SDs, not even for 5 minutes, and I never have, they are now mid 20s. Protect yourself is my advice. Take all decisions with the possible worst case scenario in mind - rather sad advice but necessary when you are dealing with people like this.

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your comments. It's very helpful to read about how other people are dealing with this.

I think you know the answers

I think you know the answers to your questions, but it's hard to act on the truth - which is that not only can you not trust your skids, you can't trust your DH to support you and have your back. They could accuse you of abuse, and he would believe them. That's the part that would be a deal-breaker for me.

Duplicate

Besides the facts that you

Besides the facts that you are afraid of these kids and that you can't trust your husband to have your back, there is also the permissiveness and the coddling (teaching kids responsibility through chores is child slavery?). These kids will never be completely on their own. Even when they are adults, you will not be free of them, nor will you feel any safer. You will never be a priority to your husband, either.

I wouldn't waste anymore time in this relationship. I can't see it being what you really want, long term.

You know where you stand

Nothing is going to change. Like forever, So you see it and know it . It's up to you if you Want to live this way. You know this relationship is not going to last,

Intuition

Definitely do not want to live this way. But DH has questioned my judgment on so many occasions that I no longer fully trust it. I've got to regularly make a list of things that have happened to remind myself of the reality of the situation. As I myself come from a broken home I know that I have issues trusting people and tend to assume the worst until I know more. I didn't want that tendency to intervene in my assessment of what is going on with his kids.

Also, culturally speaking, there has been a shift in how involved men are with their kids. I find it extremely weird that the eldest should want to discuss certain topics with her father. Intuitively I see it as the BM trying to get her daughter to take over from her role: ie get her daughter to behave like a romantic partner so that I get pushed out of the way. That's what my gut says.

And anyone in my family would feel queasy about the way they interact. But society seems to have moved on and I don't know what is normal anymore.

Anyway, I know deep down what I have to do.

What do you mean about how

What do you mean about how they interact making people queasy?

But DH has questioned my

But DH has questioned my judgment on so many occasions that I no longer fully trust it.

He is gaslighting you, getting you to doubt yourself, your judgement, your decisions, it's a way to control you.

Always trust your gut.

Thanks for confirming.

Always go with the gut. Thank you all. It's so good to be able to tell someone and not be judged for it.

Examples

Well, once when she was 15, last year, the eldest SD sent a message while I was out to dinner with DH. The message read "Daddy what is a clitoris?"

He discovered later that a friend had dared her to do it. He stupidly assumed she didn't know and proceeded to explain.

I would never ever ever have done something like that with my father. You just didn't do that. It would never have crossed my mind. Just, no.

Some people who share the same cultural background say that dads do discuss these things with their daughters now and that it's harmless. My therapist who is from a culture which is closer to mine in terms of family dynamics says that the girl is desperately asking for someone to place boundaries on her behaviour.

As for the rude things. I'm only half white and I am a different religion from them. So the skids tested the waters quite early on. Making slightly derogatory comments about the religion for instance and then when they saw nothing happened they started to go further. I don't mind people not liking my religion. It's my thing between me and god and I'm happy for every person to decide what's right for them. But I could see they were using it as a way of gaining an upper hand: if dad doesn't react, it means we can keep going. The religion was just a pretext. One day the younger one said "Oh but you're from X aren't you?". X being the country many immigrants come from in this country. As if to say "you're one of that group and you know how we feel about them".

I'm not from X. I wouldn't mind being from X. But I'm not and SD knew that when she asked. Back then she was only 10.

DH doesn't seem to get it. Or if he does he didn't do anything about it.

I've had problems with racism from his family as well, which is a whole other can of worms.

Again, I stayed this long because we have some very good memories together, when it's just been the two of us. We met when we were both 15 but only started dating 20 years later when we bumped into each other, both aged 35. He'd already been divorced 6 years when we met.

Interesting. My SO and his 20

Interesting. My SO and his 20-something daughters have a similar dynamic. It's almost like they enjoy shocking him with sexually explicit topics. For example, the oldest was on the phone with him and he put it on speaker for a minute. She was telling him how she always urinates after having sex. After the convo, he asked why she would do that. I said "to prevent UTIs, but why she decided to talk about it to you, idk." She also wears clothes that expose her breasts in front of him, even after being told by him to cover up.

Her younger sister is the same way. He was so excited after a phone call, as they had been estranged. He said she talked to him for a while, all about her bra fitting at Victoria's Secret. He said she is now a double D. Like, wtf? You don't speak for months and this is what you talk about? I think they truly enjoy making him squirm.

It's interesting, since your situation and mine are similar in that we *know* there is too much dysfunction to move forward at this time, and that the situations are similar in this way, too. Honestly, my SO's daughters and their mother are the least of my concerns with my SO, but only because none of them live in our town. If they did, i don't think i would be able to handle the nausea and how much of a turn-off his relationship with his daughters is. It's literally "shock Daddy with sexy talk and flash him, then ask for money." That's their entire relationship.

I agree about the boundary thing, too. None of SO's kids had proper boundaries placed on them because of a lifelong custody battle and the parents trying to get the kids to "pick them". I think that dynamic is the root of a lot of skid behavior problems and may be why both of our SO's situations are unlivable.

ETA i'm sorry you have had to experience racism from his family. That adds another layer of dysfunction to an already dysfunctional relationship. Does he defend you? Does he keep hanging out with the people who have offended you? That would make a big difference.

Sounds awful

I just didn't know that kind of thing existed. Sex isn't something I would discuss with my parents, ever. Not even now. There are so many other people to discuss that with. As if family isn't claustrophobic enough.

BM used to dress SD up in the clothes she used to wear when she dated DH. The SD was 12 at time time. Pink Playboy crop tops etc. Oh well, I suppose DH was 18 at the time. What can you do.

I feel bad for these kids and for the men whose lives they're probably going to ruin.

"I feel bad for these kids

"I feel bad for these kids and for the men whose lives they're probably going to ruin."

Lol me too! So BM wore playboy crop tops when she was dating DH, and now dresses her 12-year-old in them? Gross. The dysfunction knows no limits.

I love my SO and he seems to realize that his people (exes, kids, his own family) are dysfunctional, and he is trying to minimize that. I have my own house and my own kids, and i'm not giving that up until i can be reasonably sure i will be able to live with SO, without going crazy from his family drama. Sounds like you are doing the same. Good luck!

Bras + wish I had been warned

BM got DH to take SD to buy bras when she was 12. She didn't even need a bra. That's how desperate she was to make things as weird as possible, as soon as possible.

Nothing to do with money. BM is rolling in the stuff. Rich daddy bought her a car, rich daddy bought her a house. She hasn't worked a day in her life. She can afford a bra or 100 bras on any given day of the week.

I don't know. Maybe it's normal these days. Just not normal for me.

I just wish someone had told me "Don't do it. It's horrendous. You'll hate your life and you won't be able to leave. You'll be torn between the stuff you built with your SO and your desire to be really happy, not just happy as long as you can forget about the future. You won't be able to co-own anything without risking losing everything to people you don't like. You'll never feel like you have your own family."

My mother remarried and twenty years on still hasn't developed a relationship with her stepkids. I left asap my parents got divorced so I didn't see how her ridiculous situation panned out. Still you'd think she would have said something.

You'd think someone would write a book about this kind of thing. And that that book would be on everyone's bookshelf. Hell, it should be compulsory reading at school. Would have saved me four years of pain and now however long the grieving process is going to be.

Ugh. As if life isn't tricky enough.

Well, it's done. Finished.

He called me 'bitter' today. I've refused to see the skids since they moved in with him 6 weeks ago.

He has become increasingly nasty and unsupportive.

I realised that when someone needs you to feel bad so they can be right (skids are angels / I'm just unreasonable and crazy) they really don't love you and probably never did.

This is the start of a fresh

This is the start of a fresh new start for you! Count your blessings you didn't end up pregnant and stuck with such a lousy excuse for a man. My best of luck to you.

Well, I'm sorry he's such a

Well, I'm sorry he's such a jerk. Better to end it, than to waste anymore time with him. You deserve better.

And, the time that you have put into this relationship (before finding out what he is) was not a waste. You had some good times and now you know what red flags to look for going forward. Everything is a learning experience.

Congratulations on your new

Congratulations on your new life of peace! You now know some major red flags to look for. Honestly, if you don't yet have kids, you're probably best finding a child-free man to either start your own family with or live a child-free life with. Being single sounds better than living with these losers, too!

Skids do not ruin a SP's life. Idiot SOs do.

Make no mistake, SKids get away with what they are allowed to get away with. If your SO facilitates that crap, move on and write off the entire shallow and polluted gene pool.

For damned sure do no pollute your own gene pool with the idiot who spawned the failed family progeny.

Take care of you,

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WHY DO YOU TRUST YOUR STEPKID + LONG TERM LIVING APART