Why does society just hate step moms?

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This is the third time I've been bashed by people on another online discussion forums.
I only wanted to know

1. How do I get along with step daughter a little bit better? I love my step daughter, well, of course I don't love her as much as I do my own son.

2. How do I communicate with DH because I have my own emotional needs.

3. I would like to spend some alone time with DH and our son. I don't feel step daughter is my "family", although I have never shown my emotion in front of her.

I have been called selfish, immature, evil. Seriously? evil?

How exactly am I "EVIL" simply because I am kind of sick and tired of this blended family issues nobody wants to deal with?

Seriously, besides this site, I cannot find any comforts elsewhere. Are step moms second class citizens? :sick:

I can understand your desire to bond as a nuclear family without that nagging in the back of your head that you must go out of your way to treat your SD the same as your son to not show bias... But removing SD from the picture will likely make your DH feel guilty... Something I am sure you do not want.

Just something to consider.

Point no. 3. She only said

Point no. 3.

She only said "some" along time - not that she wants SD gone, erased from their lives altogether - she just wants to spend SOME time with her husband and child.... HER only child,

Seems pretty reasonable to me.

Does SD never spend time with her mother?

That would be the only time you could get.

As to the rest, what Sueu2 says is right - others don't get it, they just see it as "wrong" and "evil" that we do not have these Brady Bunch families they imagine THEY would have if in our situation.

You have to live it to understand it.

My Skids have more of

My Skids have more of everything because I'm around. More money, means more time with dad, more attention more stuff more everything. Without my money, he's in a 1 bedroom apt and can barely afford to feed himself let alone two kids. BM gets way too much CS.

He has the option of taking

He has the option of taking the necessary steps to increase his earning potential. If he has someoone willing to pick up his slack, then there's no need for him to do so.

Might be over on ivillage...

Might be over on ivillage... I've never posted there but I've seen some brutal responses.

It's every advice blogger,

It's every advice blogger, every web site, except for this one. Seriously, this is the only place I've found where there's any acknowledgement that a woman might not worship every child her husband ever fathered. Let alone sympathy for those of us who actually dislike some of them.

A few years ago I was getting pretty irritated at the financial arrangements DH was making to educate skid because those arrangements were affecting my pocketbook. So I asked for advice on a parents' forum about college financing. This is a forum where people normally are very hard-nosed about advising that kids pay for their own schooling.

You would not have believed the pile-on. I was told that if I loved DH, I would finance his son's education. !!??! That even though DH was using all his discretionary income to finance his freshman son's ski trips and insurance on the kid's sports car, I shouldn't complain about having to pay for all our evenings out. Some snot-nosed girl chimed in with a rant about how her horrible step mother had arranged it so that she, the poor, beleaguered SD, had to pay for her own education. This, on a forum where people ordinarily tell one another that parents shouldn't be co-signing for school loans and kids should get a damn job to pay their own damn tuition. It was a real eye-opener.

There are plenty of places where you can get bashed for having normal feelings about being a step mother. This is the only place where people get it.

You can spend alone time with

You can spend alone time with husband and son when SD is with her mother. If you're trying to guilt your husband into excluding his daughter during his scheduled time, then I can understand where those comments are coming from.

Read Stepmonster, by

Read Stepmonster, by Wednesday Martin. It explores all these issues in depth from a broad societal viewpoint, and from a personal viewpoint as well. It really makes many of these feelings and dynamics, and allows you to make more sense of the feelings and situations you are likely to encounter. The book also provides some good guidance on how to navigate these sensitive emotional matters with your spouse.

Edited to add: the book will make you much more comfortable with your feelings and concerns, which are completely NORMAL. You aren't "evil" by any means, nor are your desires. If I had read Stepmonster earlier in my marriage, we could have avoided so many common pitfalls and problems that seem to occur in most blended families. Please read it.

I'd like to post something on

I'd like to post something on one of those sites about my situation just to see what people say about it. I'd probably get no support

I posted on Cafe Mom once about trying to get my DD to sleep through the night. I only got a few responses before people got into a big fight about CIO vs. non-CIO. One person posted "I don't have any advice because my kids all slept through the night just fine by that age." It seemed a little condescending....I was wondering why she even responded.

I blame Disney...We are made

I blame Disney...We are made to be evil and nothing we can do about it. We can treat these kids, like our own, but the minute we try to parent objectively, "we hate these kids". This is why most of us turn to disengaging, to make it easier on ourselves and save our marriages.

I'm in exactly the same

I'm in exactly the same situation as you.

100% this....except mine is

100% this....except mine is FT and NEVER leaves....the shit talking about me & my kids is endless, along with the ignoring, rude comments, general shitty attitude and the aurora of a dark cloud over my home.

For instance my SD15 posted on twitter that I am not her family and she doesn't care about my dads funeral and doesn't want to go and doesn't even care, but I am still supposed kiss her ass. Yeah I'm the evil one!

I stopped going on other SM

I stopped going on other SM websites after I found this one a couple of weeks ago. I once had an adult SD tell me that SM's are not the father's real family so we shouldn't act like it. Yeah, ok.

I'd have to agree with your

I'd have to agree with your preliminary statement... I also think that even though we have had nothing to do with the shattering of the snow globe, 95% of the time we weren't even around when it broke, but we are always blamed for it.

Why does society hate step

Why does society hate step moms? Because we live in a male-dominated society. Think about it. If a man has an affair, it's the woman's fault. She led him on, she pursued him, she caused it, she is a whore, she is a homewrecker. Never a word about HIM. Poor man just fell victim her charms and he couldn't help himself.

Men successful in business are described as assertive. Women as ballbreakers.

We often blame the victim of the rape, usually a woman, rather than the rapist, usually a man. She was in the wrong place. She was dressed provocatively. She "had it coming" (whatever that means).

Have you seen how many stupid things our elected officials have said about rape and the functioning of a woman's body? Good lord, men don't even know how reproduction works. These are "female issues." Oh hell no.

When a woman runs for national office, there is frequently a report on her hair, her shoes, her outfit. Has that ever been part of the news for a man? Of course not. Who cares if they are bald and have a beer belly, and their tie clashes with their suit? They're just men and can't be expected to dress themselves. Where was his wife, anyway, when he was choosing his attire?

In the step world, women are expected to take up their traditional role of nurturer to their husband and all children. When the woman isn't nurturing, or she disagrees with the almighty husband, or refuses to cook/clean/pay the bills/take care of the kids/have sex with said husband even though she's falling down tired from too much work and too little respect, well, she's the problem. Not the kid. Not the husband. Couldn't possibly be the fault of anyone other than the woman who didn't do every single thing ever expected of her.

I could go on. But I won't. Stepping off the soapbox now.

...

I understand the alone time

I understand the alone time yes but I have always tried to go full circle, LOL, not that it did me much good though, I tried with my Skids and they just turned it around on me but hey could work, maybe

me and partner alone time
me and partner and our kid
me and partner and his kids
all together
me and Stepkid
me and my biological
him and biological -

It is important I feel to spend time together in different ways, maybe explain it like that. You know so you and he and your son go out one night but then next time maybe just you and he and his daughter, then next just you and her, you know, with the intention, this is our time, bonding. you might find your love for her becomes more intense.

I honestly never knew society

I honestly never knew society truly hated step-moms. I knew that there were stepparents but had no idea what that world consist of until I hit it. It went along well for a year or two until I had the gull to say yes to marriage and god for bid have a child with my husband.

DH use to always want to wait until SDs were with us to do anything. Now that our DD14mo is getting active things are changing.

The defining moment for him was when I just took DD last year to visit santa for her picture. I really didn't think about it, was use to doing these things alone. We were at her checkup went to the mall next door, santa was there, no line, viola baby's 1st christmas picture.

Oh DH lost it. He was so mad. Seriously didn't even think he would be. So now he knows if he lolly gags around, I will just go do it by myself, even though I didn't intend it to be that way. So this year I asked, you want to go with me to see Santa with DD14mo, DH said yes. Of course what about the other kids, ummm, too old, SD 11 and 8, BS13 and DD9, I think sitting on santa's lap is over for them.

I wonder if this is because

I wonder if this is because some single moms with MIA exhusbands/SOs try hard to push their new husbands/SOs to play daddy to their kids.

I hear he's great for stepping up when the bio dad is MIA. Unless BM is MIA or absolutely usless, most people don't expect SM to play mommy.

It's not just capital "S"

It's not just capital "S" Society that hates Step-moms. Individual offspring and individual ex-wives hate the individual women in this undesirable role. Step-dads get a pass. This is mentioned in "Stepmonster" and many of us have experienced it. I certainly have.

My clan is very far from perfect, but my offspring adore DH, and think we're "cute." My ex once gave him a big hug at a family gathering. (" Take my wife--please! Thank you!!")

Skid, on the other hand, can barely look at me without sneering. Bio mom ignores and excludes me while clownishly demanding DH's attention 15 years post-divorce. (She gave him pajamas and bedroom slippers for Christmas the year he moved in with me. Nothing, of course, not even a thank you, for the woman who fed and housed her brat over the holiday.)

It's misogyny, in both general and very personal forms.

Yeah, most of those sites are

Yeah, most of those sites are all about sympathy for poor skids and BM's. I've been bashed too.

Overcompensating for a broken

Overcompensating for a broken marriage create attention seeking behaviors that leave s kids with and insatiable appetite to be affirmed over and over and over and over and over....They cannot get enough...because of the damage done to them by their parents splitting up cracked their core foundation and everything attached to it...So we, who become married into this culture are barraged with over attention seeking...cannot ever satisfy my core issues...step kids who fight to be number one with everything in them because they feel orphaned to a certain degree....they have been broke inside...

With that being said...there is a lot more to our being than the stepmom role we play...Some of us are business owners, sisters, mothers, nieces, granddaughters, teachers, godparents, neighbors, students, artists, writers, I mean the list goes on and on and on...stepmom is only a fraction of who we are and the gifts and talents we have....I prefer my skids call me by my name...because it defines all of me...not just stepmom...we are so much more...

The problem is...that stepmom is a constant reminder that the first marriage did not work out...the term step...is not the original, so people conclude it must not be as good as....and to the s kids I am sure we are not as good to them as their bio mom...With that being said I never tried to replace bio mom...I am only who I am...when I look at my life...it's pretty remarkable...the things I have accomplished....It's too bad my blessed life has to have an adverse effect on those that hate me....but, that is not my problem...it only proves that there are those that are for you...and if they are not for you, they are against you....

If they are against you...why do you surround yourself with them? No...I really enjoy most of my life...The parts that are the most enjoyable...do not have the s kids involvement at all...They don't care...and that's fine with me...I really do not want them in those areas of my life (less drama)...

We, as step moms along with all the other gifts and talents we have been given should be celebrated...just like everyone else...Even more I think...because adding the task of stepmom to your resume is not an easy job...as a matter of fact it is one of the most thankless jobs I know.....Our level of understanding tough issues and learning how to work through impossible situations...rising above the problems and discovering the provision to every one... is quite a journey....You think climbing mount everest is tough? Try being a stepmom....You think doing a triathlon is challenging? Try being a stepmom....

Our victories and accomplishments go undetected everyday...the battleground we endure makes the most difficult obstacle course a cake walk in the park...The testing of our limitations on a daily basis supersedes the most difficult triathlon...our perseverance is stretched beyond the imagination....we give and give and give for absolutely nothing in return.....

We should be celebrated...everyday for the daunting task that is set before us....There should be a national day dedicated to step moms across the world...no one else does what we do....No one!....I cannot wait until the first stepmom becomes president...We fight, we are tough, we could teach the marines a thing or two.....

(Sorry, I kind of tripped out on that one), but boy that felt good...and isn't it true?..... Step moms are incredible!!!