For some I believe all the shittiness of step life creeps in slowly. It aint what people say "You knew what you were getting into". Oh hell no I did not, and many can agree with that.
So once you are in and slowly you see how dang crazy it is, you feel invested, maybe things will get better. Jumping ship is easier said than done. I did jump ship, but took me time to have that final straw.
So its not always about not loving yourself, it is a slow gradual realization of what step life reality is about.
On the one hand.. yeah.. we knew what we were getting into... we knew our partner had kids.
BUT, quite often we don't know the full impact of it.. or how we will react to it. We don't know how we will feel long term about the financial strain our partner's CS/alimony will have on our household. We don't know how we will react when our spouses are disney dad's and put their kid's on a throne while expecting us to be the "adults" when they are gaslighting us into accepting 2nd rate treatment. We may find that what was ok on the surface becomes much worse when the skids or the EX's behavior spirals out of control due to jealousy or hatred or mental illness. We also often find that the people we thought we were partnering with are not the people we thought.... and sometimes it's US that aren't the people we thought we could be.
I see a mix on this page.. people in truly horrid situations due to dysfunctional skids and Exes.. or more often a partner that is a crappy partner and parent. I also see the SM's that should not be in this kind of relationship because they can't deal with their skids' presence period.. they resent everything.. and the smallest thing becomes an annoyance for them. The people that can't deal with the fact that their child isn't their partner's "first" etc.. I mean.. duh.. if you don't want to not be first.. don't pick a guy with kids already... right? But, I guess I do understand that sometimes people don't realize they have those feelings until they are "in" the relationship.. and sometimes already pregnant too quickly to realize what a crap show they joined into. I get that some people get trapped that way.
I hate that "you know what you were getting into" I mean how do we ever really know that in any situation. BM said that to me once and it just went right thru me!
My previous exes were sh*tty people. My husband is a good person with a sh*tty situation. If we didn't have to deal with his family, BM or SD it would be perfect. The main issues come from him being too much of a wimp about them. I complain about family and step issues here but for the most part our marriage is good.
I won the spouse lottery, at least the second time I played. I also won the parent lottery, so the examples I was raised with have been a great model for my own quality marriage.
That said, I would not have divorced my adulterous whore of an XW. I was not mature enough to recognize that divorce from a toxic serial cheating manipulator is no stain on my life record.
So, maybe part of it is a lack of life experience to base choices on? I believe that was the case my first time playing the marriage lottery. I told my dad the morning after the wedding, he and I met for an early breakfast before he returned overseas, that it would not last. I should have immediately left and filed for an annulment. Instead I dug in and worked my ass off to make it work. It was a forlorn hope from the very beginning. Fortunately, she got knocked up and ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy a few weeks after our 2nd anniversary. Not my kid, blessedly.
That said, I would not change a thing. My life experiences prior to meeting my incredible bride of 27+ years are in large part what make me the best DH and equity life partner that I can be to her. As her own experiences, including having SS-29 when she was 16, are in large part what make her so incredible.
Be committed to yourself and insist that those you make a life with treat you as you demand. Be good to you. That sets the example for how others will treat you. Tolerate nothing less than respectful equity life partnership from your partner(s). Stand together as equity life partners and set straight anyone and everyone who fails to respect you as individuals and your marriage appropriately. Anyone. Including prior failed family progeny, ILs, Xs, etc.......
I think it's more about falling in love with someone, not really knowing what we are getting into (and who does? HCBMs and PAS aren't general topics of conversation) and then trying our best to make the relationship work. I don't see myself as weak for tolerating what I did for 12 years; rather, a strong, committed, peace-loving woman who was determined to make things work. My issue was, trying too long. I think that is the lesson we need to learn and impart to new SMs/SDs. Set a limit. Set boundaries. If not, you will be in for a liftetime of trouble.....or a divorce.
Thankfully, DH and I made it through the hard years. We have a good marriage and I've removed the "tension" from my life by removing myself from the line of attack by DHs kids. He manages his relationships with them on his own with very little imput from me. I haven't seen them in 4 years.
Yes trying so long and then disengaging from the situation as I established boundaries saved our marriage.
It's a good one but those freaking curve balls of the ramifications of PAS and the unknowns in the future is the sucky part. Having another household/family partly determine your future ( as in I and we) is really unimaginable.
I have thought about this. We have been married going on 6 years and within a month of us getting married I was looking into divorcing. It's gotten better now but in the begining I had no clue the BM was going to just dump her young kid onto us. Anyways...at times I think I looked at it as some sort of competition.. like I won't let her win.
But make yourself some boundries and take time for self care. Do the best you can to look at this all as an observer and not get to entangled in the drama. It will just eat you up.
That literally happened to me but both the biological parents were dysfunctional in so many ways. It was destroying my life and everyday felt like a prison sentence. I tried so hard to stay but at the end I realized that everything that was going on was because someone (BF or BM) chose to be selfish. So everyone was basically suffering for their choices. So I chose to leave. I'm still traumatized by the experience though
For us, the situation also changed after we got married. BM was difficult and mean, but she did not engage in full alienation until after DH and I were married and settled into our own home. Then we became a threat to her, because SSs might actually feel like our home was their home.
I will say that I completely underestimated the impact DH's dysfunctional family has one us. DH is an eternal optimist and wants to believe that his family is wonderful, even if deep down, he knows that they aren't (and has finally been able to admit to me that things were never quite rosy for him with MIL). I think we would have had some of these problems without skids, although problems with the in-laws are definitely made worse by the fact that DH is a divorced dad. MIL, BIL, and SIL have not moved on from the fact that DH got divorced and all hold it against him and feel the need to "intervene" on behalf of SSs and BM. I have said something about this to MIL and she always acts like I'm just being crazy and she doesn't actually think DH is at fault or meddle (even though I've heard her tell DH that he "just doesn't love" his children enough and is "always at war" with BM). You'd think that the fact that he fought not to get divorced because of his children or the fact that BM has now gotten divorced again (from the man she met before she filed for divorce from DH) would help them to see that the situation is clearly more complicated and maybe it's BM, but no, they don't. I interact with MIL just enough and actively avoid BIL and SIL.
I think it has too do with society to some degree. Step parents seem to always be perceived in a negative light for example. We don't know what we're getting into because it's impossible to know until your really in it then and its harder to get out then. The first thing people ALWAYS say is "you should have known because they had kids". Then they guilt you and accuse you of abandoning the skids because you want to leave the relationship or that you must accept it cause it's a "package deal". The issue really is from the person your with not the kids truthfully. They CAN control their kids but they DONT care to.
I think alot of people stay because society and the significant other guilt them for wanting to leave. That can take a toll on people forcing them to put up with more. When skids are involved, the relationship literally starts to evolve around them no matter the reason the people got together. If you look at alot of blended family movies the kids ate always the center of the movie. In reality they should be their parent priority but some parents raise them horribly which causes it to effect their relationship by them treating the stepparent like garbage. At the end of the day it's all about how much a person can take from it.
There's a reason we all get on this site because truthfully we would be put down and insulted for ranting about it the stuff we rant about by society or other platforms or other people who have never experienced it.. But here we all know what it is really like and are usually feeling the exact way about it.
We met and started dating when SS-29 was 15mos old. My DW was the CP with sole physical and legal custody and at that time there was no COd visitation between SS and his SpermClan. So, it was all Skid all the time the entire time we dated. Marriage just changed the living arrangements and injected some adjustments to our relationship dynamic.
We married the week before he turned 2yo and instantly went to court to battle an attempt to gain custody by the SpermGrandHag (in her idiot son's name though he had no idea what mommy was doing until he was sitting in court getting smacked around by our layer and the Judge). That court case made zero change to custody. My DW maintained her position as CP with sole physical and legal custody though there was a Visitation Order added to the mix. That whole process solidified our marriage and our blended family from the very beginning. From then on, my DW and I partnered in raising our son. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. We also partnered in burying the SpermClan in their shallow and polluted manipulative gene pool with every social, financial, and legal tool at our disposal.
Ultimately, we successfully raised SS-29 to viable adulthood. He is a man of character, honor, and success that his mom and I are very proud of.
My incredible bride and I are continuing to make a life together as equity life partners.
Not that the whole adventure was not without the periodic problems and battles. We certainly had them. Our main differentiator is that my bride and I had each other's backs, raised SS with standards of behavior and performance, and any outside negative influences were quashed by both of us instantly with overwhelming aggression towards the interlopers. The pain and misery they experienced overwhelmed any benefit they were seeking in manipulating, etc…
I'm not on the boards much anymore, but decided to check in from time to time to see how things are going with others.
I think alot of people stay in these types of relationships because they don't know how to set appropriate boundaries with others. Some are likely afraid to address their partner. Either you set boundaries with people or many will walk right over you. Alot of these men have serious entitlement issues, and lack proper skills to have a healthy adult relationship. Alot of times it's not just BM and SKids with the major issues, it's the men. My ex was extremely entitled and in having different conversations with him, it became apparent he had this issue long before I ever met him. He couldn't grasp the concept that significant others have no responsibility for kids or adult kids that aren't theirs. Oh and significant others surely don't have to tolerate crap from SKids, Bm, or anyone else. You definitely have to enforce your boundaries early on. Letting things go or just hoping they will resolve on their own isn't going to work. When you truly love yourself, people can't guilt you into compromising your standards. What that techniquely amounts to is manipulation. NOONE could ever make me feel bad, for not supporting, financially or otherwise, kids that are not mine. Good men are not wimps and they sure as h-ll don't let their past lives infect their current ones. I'm not sure if it is lack of self-love, learned behavior, or fear of being alone that would cause someone to stay in steph-ll. What I do know is we only have one life to live, so try to enjoy it with the ones who really matter.
IDK
For some I believe all the shittiness of step life creeps in slowly. It aint what people say "You knew what you were getting into". Oh hell no I did not, and many can agree with that.
So once you are in and slowly you see how dang crazy it is, you feel invested, maybe things will get better. Jumping ship is easier said than done. I did jump ship, but took me time to have that final straw.
So its not always about not loving yourself, it is a slow gradual realization of what step life reality is about.
On the one hand.. yeah.. we
On the one hand.. yeah.. we knew what we were getting into... we knew our partner had kids.
BUT, quite often we don't know the full impact of it.. or how we will react to it. We don't know how we will feel long term about the financial strain our partner's CS/alimony will have on our household. We don't know how we will react when our spouses are disney dad's and put their kid's on a throne while expecting us to be the "adults" when they are gaslighting us into accepting 2nd rate treatment. We may find that what was ok on the surface becomes much worse when the skids or the EX's behavior spirals out of control due to jealousy or hatred or mental illness. We also often find that the people we thought we were partnering with are not the people we thought.... and sometimes it's US that aren't the people we thought we could be.
I see a mix on this page.. people in truly horrid situations due to dysfunctional skids and Exes.. or more often a partner that is a crappy partner and parent. I also see the SM's that should not be in this kind of relationship because they can't deal with their skids' presence period.. they resent everything.. and the smallest thing becomes an annoyance for them. The people that can't deal with the fact that their child isn't their partner's "first" etc.. I mean.. duh.. if you don't want to not be first.. don't pick a guy with kids already... right? But, I guess I do understand that sometimes people don't realize they have those feelings until they are "in" the relationship.. and sometimes already pregnant too quickly to realize what a crap show they joined into. I get that some people get trapped that way.
I hate that "you know what
I hate that "you know what you were getting into" I mean how do we ever really know that in any situation. BM said that to me once and it just went right thru me!
My previous exes were sh*tty
My previous exes were sh*tty people. My husband is a good person with a sh*tty situation. If we didn't have to deal with his family, BM or SD it would be perfect. The main issues come from him being too much of a wimp about them. I complain about family and step issues here but for the most part our marriage is good.
That question is beyond me.
I won the spouse lottery, at least the second time I played. I also won the parent lottery, so the examples I was raised with have been a great model for my own quality marriage.
That said, I would not have divorced my adulterous whore of an XW. I was not mature enough to recognize that divorce from a toxic serial cheating manipulator is no stain on my life record.
So, maybe part of it is a lack of life experience to base choices on? I believe that was the case my first time playing the marriage lottery. I told my dad the morning after the wedding, he and I met for an early breakfast before he returned overseas, that it would not last. I should have immediately left and filed for an annulment. Instead I dug in and worked my ass off to make it work. It was a forlorn hope from the very beginning. Fortunately, she got knocked up and ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy a few weeks after our 2nd anniversary. Not my kid, blessedly.
That said, I would not change a thing. My life experiences prior to meeting my incredible bride of 27+ years are in large part what make me the best DH and equity life partner that I can be to her. As her own experiences, including having SS-29 when she was 16, are in large part what make her so incredible.
Be committed to yourself and insist that those you make a life with treat you as you demand. Be good to you. That sets the example for how others will treat you. Tolerate nothing less than respectful equity life partnership from your partner(s). Stand together as equity life partners and set straight anyone and everyone who fails to respect you as individuals and your marriage appropriately. Anyone. Including prior failed family progeny, ILs, Xs, etc.......
I ask this question from
I ask this question from myself every single day.
Why don't i love myself enough?
To put myself in this sh**tty situation.
No, the question is why do
No, the question is why do you stay in this situation? Have you seen your doctor about screening you for depression?
I Don't Think It's About Not Loving Myself
I think it's more about falling in love with someone, not really knowing what we are getting into (and who does? HCBMs and PAS aren't general topics of conversation) and then trying our best to make the relationship work. I don't see myself as weak for tolerating what I did for 12 years; rather, a strong, committed, peace-loving woman who was determined to make things work. My issue was, trying too long. I think that is the lesson we need to learn and impart to new SMs/SDs. Set a limit. Set boundaries. If not, you will be in for a liftetime of trouble.....or a divorce.
Thankfully, DH and I made it through the hard years. We have a good marriage and I've removed the "tension" from my life by removing myself from the line of attack by DHs kids. He manages his relationships with them on his own with very little imput from me. I haven't seen them in 4 years.
Yes trying so long and then
Yes trying so long and then disengaging from the situation as I established boundaries saved our marriage.
It's a good one but those freaking curve balls of the ramifications of PAS and the unknowns in the future is the sucky part. Having another household/family partly determine your future ( as in I and we) is really unimaginable.
Feel your pain
I have thought about this. We have been married going on 6 years and within a month of us getting married I was looking into divorcing. It's gotten better now but in the begining I had no clue the BM was going to just dump her young kid onto us. Anyways...at times I think I looked at it as some sort of competition.. like I won't let her win.
But make yourself some boundries and take time for self care. Do the best you can to look at this all as an observer and not get to entangled in the drama. It will just eat you up.
That literally happened to me
That literally happened to me but both the biological parents were dysfunctional in so many ways. It was destroying my life and everyday felt like a prison sentence. I tried so hard to stay but at the end I realized that everything that was going on was because someone (BF or BM) chose to be selfish. So everyone was basically suffering for their choices. So I chose to leave. I'm still traumatized by the experience though
For us, the situation also
For us, the situation also changed after we got married. BM was difficult and mean, but she did not engage in full alienation until after DH and I were married and settled into our own home. Then we became a threat to her, because SSs might actually feel like our home was their home.
I will say that I completely underestimated the impact DH's dysfunctional family has one us. DH is an eternal optimist and wants to believe that his family is wonderful, even if deep down, he knows that they aren't (and has finally been able to admit to me that things were never quite rosy for him with MIL). I think we would have had some of these problems without skids, although problems with the in-laws are definitely made worse by the fact that DH is a divorced dad. MIL, BIL, and SIL have not moved on from the fact that DH got divorced and all hold it against him and feel the need to "intervene" on behalf of SSs and BM. I have said something about this to MIL and she always acts like I'm just being crazy and she doesn't actually think DH is at fault or meddle (even though I've heard her tell DH that he "just doesn't love" his children enough and is "always at war" with BM). You'd think that the fact that he fought not to get divorced because of his children or the fact that BM has now gotten divorced again (from the man she met before she filed for divorce from DH) would help them to see that the situation is clearly more complicated and maybe it's BM, but no, they don't. I interact with MIL just enough and actively avoid BIL and SIL.
I think it has too do with
I think it has too do with society to some degree. Step parents seem to always be perceived in a negative light for example. We don't know what we're getting into because it's impossible to know until your really in it then and its harder to get out then. The first thing people ALWAYS say is "you should have known because they had kids". Then they guilt you and accuse you of abandoning the skids because you want to leave the relationship or that you must accept it cause it's a "package deal". The issue really is from the person your with not the kids truthfully. They CAN control their kids but they DONT care to.
I think alot of people stay because society and the significant other guilt them for wanting to leave. That can take a toll on people forcing them to put up with more. When skids are involved, the relationship literally starts to evolve around them no matter the reason the people got together. If you look at alot of blended family movies the kids ate always the center of the movie. In reality they should be their parent priority but some parents raise them horribly which causes it to effect their relationship by them treating the stepparent like garbage. At the end of the day it's all about how much a person can take from it.
There's a reason we all get on this site because truthfully we would be put down and insulted for ranting about it the stuff we rant about by society or other platforms or other people who have never experienced it.. But here we all know what it is really like and are usually feeling the exact way about it.
Our situation was notably different.
We met and started dating when SS-29 was 15mos old. My DW was the CP with sole physical and legal custody and at that time there was no COd visitation between SS and his SpermClan. So, it was all Skid all the time the entire time we dated. Marriage just changed the living arrangements and injected some adjustments to our relationship dynamic.
We married the week before he turned 2yo and instantly went to court to battle an attempt to gain custody by the SpermGrandHag (in her idiot son's name though he had no idea what mommy was doing until he was sitting in court getting smacked around by our layer and the Judge). That court case made zero change to custody. My DW maintained her position as CP with sole physical and legal custody though there was a Visitation Order added to the mix. That whole process solidified our marriage and our blended family from the very beginning. From then on, my DW and I partnered in raising our son. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. We also partnered in burying the SpermClan in their shallow and polluted manipulative gene pool with every social, financial, and legal tool at our disposal.
Ultimately, we successfully raised SS-29 to viable adulthood. He is a man of character, honor, and success that his mom and I are very proud of.
My incredible bride and I are continuing to make a life together as equity life partners.
Not that the whole adventure was not without the periodic problems and battles. We certainly had them. Our main differentiator is that my bride and I had each other's backs, raised SS with standards of behavior and performance, and any outside negative influences were quashed by both of us instantly with overwhelming aggression towards the interlopers. The pain and misery they experienced overwhelmed any benefit they were seeking in manipulating, etc…
I'm not on the boards much
I'm not on the boards much anymore, but decided to check in from time to time to see how things are going with others.
I think alot of people stay in these types of relationships because they don't know how to set appropriate boundaries with others. Some are likely afraid to address their partner. Either you set boundaries with people or many will walk right over you. Alot of these men have serious entitlement issues, and lack proper skills to have a healthy adult relationship. Alot of times it's not just BM and SKids with the major issues, it's the men. My ex was extremely entitled and in having different conversations with him, it became apparent he had this issue long before I ever met him. He couldn't grasp the concept that significant others have no responsibility for kids or adult kids that aren't theirs. Oh and significant others surely don't have to tolerate crap from SKids, Bm, or anyone else. You definitely have to enforce your boundaries early on. Letting things go or just hoping they will resolve on their own isn't going to work. When you truly love yourself, people can't guilt you into compromising your standards. What that techniquely amounts to is manipulation. NOONE could ever make me feel bad, for not supporting, financially or otherwise, kids that are not mine. Good men are not wimps and they sure as h-ll don't let their past lives infect their current ones. I'm not sure if it is lack of self-love, learned behavior, or fear of being alone that would cause someone to stay in steph-ll. What I do know is we only have one life to live, so try to enjoy it with the ones who really matter.