The mommy issue is a big one for a lot of bio moms. I don't know what a court would rule if a child has already been using the term for 2 years. I have heard people agree in divorce decrees that no new partners shall be allowed to use mom/dad.

I see this going one of three ways.

1. you stick with mommy for a title and BM takes you to court. A judge will decide and that will be that. You will end up paying out for lawyers.
2. you stick with mommy for a title and BM doesn't go to court (because she realizes it isn't worth the money) but makes her son feel bad for calling you mom and tells him off for it until he ends up calling you something else.
3. you find an alternative name for mommy that you and your ss can agree on. Make him part of the process so that he doesn't feel forced into it. The new name can be equally affectionate and intimate but just doesn't use the word mommy. Google alternative names for mommy, or find a nickname that is personal to you.

Yes it may feel painful right now to ask him to use a different name, but with time hopefully it will become part of your relationship and make it even more special because every one has a mommy but not every one has a 'whatever you choose for a nickname'.

Does he live with you full time? My friend tells her ss that she raises "I am like a mommy, but I am not YOUR mommy, but I love you just like one, and if you want to call me that you can. But you do have a mommy that lives far away." He lives with her BM is not in the picture and has not been since his birth pretty much. I feel its ok for her to explain to him on his level but still give him the option. His mom is most likely never coming back, had other kids removed from her care as well.

If his mom is in his life and it is causing strife (which will hurt him eventually) then maybe you should pick a different name? Like Mimmy or Catty or something that makes sense? My niece calls me Missy which is not my name at all, but hey that's what she calls me. Sometimes my DH calls me Missy too. My skids call me by my first name as they are all close to their mothers and it would not be appropriate for our family.

It is in my dh's agreement that only bm and dh are mom and dad. I understand that, especially after having one of my own. Bm and dh are involved parents and, as much as stepdad and I love the kids, they aren't our kids. I've been around since they were 3 and they're 9 now. They're my family, but I'm not their mom. The kids have a little nickname for me and think of me as a parent. It doesn't take away all you do, your feelings, or your ss' feelings if you arent "mommy".

It shouldn't have started in the first place. It's just asking for trouble. With many BM's it's hard enough for her to watch another woman bonding with and caring for their child. Sharing their child with another woman is handled differently by different woman. Reality is, no matter how good you are to the child, no matter how much you physically take care of child and grow to love them? You are not their mother.

Yes, you're acting the 'mother' role, but nothing will ever change the fact this child has an actual mother. The child only came into your life because of something as a divorce and the biological father selecting you as his new wife. You mention in your bio clip that you're losing hope in your marriage and having happiness. If you're not even certain you're in the correct marriage for you , why would you encourage a child to call you 'mommy'?

At the time you came into the child's he was a year old and really didn't know better than to call you 'mommy' . He's at an age now that he is more aware and knows he has a mother and a stepmom. One that gave birth to him, another one who helps Daddy care for him when he's at Daddy's house. AS hard as t may be for you (you stated t would break your heart), this should not be about you needing a sense of being called 'mommy', but rather about what s best for the child. The above poster was right when she says the child is the one who will pay the price for this if you continue to have the child call you 'mommy'.

SO if she takes DH to court over the 'mommy' thing, yes, she could lose. But do you really think that will be the end of it? This lady will attempt to PAS the kid, make your life h*ll and take your insistence of the 'mommy' name out on the child. He'll be made to feel it's a bad thing. Something he should be ashamed of and 'naughty' for. Is that really what you want?

And no, BM should not be allowing her new SO/BF/DH to be called 'Daddy' either. Perhaps both parents can make an agreement to both knock off the 'mommy/daddy' thing. The BM should be able to understand DH asking her to not have his child call another man 'daddy' as it is her who is currently hot and heavy over her child calling you 'mommy'. It hurts. It's unnecessary. And it is unfair to the child. Poor little tyke is being stuck in the middle of the battle of a title when all the kid wants is to be loved and taken care of living his life without battling parents/stepparents. Parents find enough things to fight about and race off to court over. Do they have to fight over the sole 'right' of their biologically given title too?

Our experience with this: I was the first person SS-22 ever called Dad(dy). His mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.

When he was about 5 he came home from Sperm Land visitation upset that Sperm Grandma told him he could not call me dad because I was only his stepdad and I was not his REAL dad. We never used the step term in our home. He knew I was his dad married to his mom and he knew DickHead was his dad that he visited. At that time he was fine with that.

When he came home from that visitation we had a discussion about REAL dads and how it is fine for him to call me dad.

The conversation went something like this:

Skid: Dad, Grandma says I can't call you dad because you are not my real dad and are only my stepdad. What is a step dad and why can't I call you dad?

Rags: Son, we have talked about how there are dads that make a kid with their mom like (DickHead). Those are called BioDads. We have also talked about dads that are married to a mom but did make the kid with the mom. Those are stepdads. Stepdad just means a dad that is married to your mom but did not make you with her. Either a biodad or a stepdad can be a REAL dad. Or even both your biodad and step dad can be REAL dads. A REAL dad is a dad that goes to work every day to make sure you have a safe place to live, good food to eat, warm clothes to wear, safe transportation to ride in, goes to all of your school activities, parent teacher conferences, coaches your sports teams, teaches you to read and write, use the toilet, teaches you to tie your shoes, teaches you to ride your bike, and reads you a story at bedtime and tucks you in. A REAL dad loves you (and your mom) very much and does those things to show his love.

Skid: A stepdad sounds like a REAL dad to me. I will call you dad. Let’s go outside and play.

We had another round of this when SS was ~8yo. Sperm GrandHag yet again gave him shit about calling me dad and told him he could not call me dad. That one was more direct.

Skid: I can't call you dad anymore because it makes (DickHead) and (Sperm Grandhag) mad.

Rags: Dad has been good enough to call me since you learned to talk so if you are not going to call me Dad then you can call me Mr. Rags. I do not allow children to call me by my first name. Your choice, "Dad" or "Mr. Rags". (DickHead) and (Sperm GrandHag) do not have any say in what you call me. They have a say in what you call them. So, don’t worry about what they think about you calling me dad. That is between you and me and your mom.

Skid: You are my dad so I will stick with "Dad".

As he got older and continued with his Sperm Clan visitation schedule he settled on calling me dad at home and in Sperm Land. He referred to DickHead as “Dad-Firstname”. When the Sperm Clan leadership would push him too hard on it he would refer to me by my first name when he was on Sperm Clan visitation.

Now that SS-22 is a self supporting viable adult he tells everyone that he has one dad. I am dad. The other guy he refers to as “Gangster Dad” when he is talking about his family.

Mom or Dad is not a title that has anything to do with biology. Mom or Dad is a title earned by a man or woman by taking the actions of a loving parent. Fortunately most kids have bio parents that earn those titles. Sadly some kids have bioparents who are little more than a POS womb or sperm donor. Some kids cursed with POS bio parents are fortunate enough to have SParents who are their REAL mom or REAl dad.

Have the REAL mom talk with your SS. Kids are smart. He will get it. BM can STFU about it.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

My sister and I called our bio dad by his first name and our step dad daddy. My parents have been married for 40 years. My dad raised us. Growing up we saw our bio dad for a few hours every few years. He never paid CS or did any parenting. I'm 46 years old. In my lifetime, I entered his home 3 times. The the first time I was 19 and he introduced me to his daughter (a year younger than me and a couple of months older than my sister :sick: )and his wife. I think they had been married for 17 years at that time. The 2nd and 3rd times I entered his home was about 20 years later~the day before and the day of his funeral.

Since mom is involved in the child's life and has an issue with HER son calling you mom, he shouldn't do it. The fact thst your husband allows HIS son to call other men daddy, has nothing to do with this.

My biokids consider DH their Dad. He has raised them, he sees them every day, he is invested in their lives. They visit "other dad" every other weekend but call him Dad when they are with him. They use "other dad" to clear up who they are talking about. They don't hide that they call their stepdad Dad. It was their choice. Ex doesn't like it, but he doesn't fight it. It's not his choice. That choice lies with the kids. If my Ex were to marry again, I don't mind if they eventually call her Mom. It takes nothing away from me.

My stepkids call me Mom. They call their mother Mom. I never asked them to call me that. It was their choice. Even though we share 50/50 with their mother, I am the one they come to when they need something. I am the one who attends the important functions in their lives. I'm the one that teaches them to cook, clean, budget, and be self-sufficient, so when they are older, they can know how to live on their own. Their mother hates it, and in front of her, they will call me by my first name. I'm okay with it.

Yes, there is a division as in my kids/his kids sometimes, but we are a family, and when I refer to my stepkids, I don't say step. I introduce them as my son and daughter. DH does the same.

He should not be calling you Mommy. Find another nick name. Mee-Maw, Mimi, Momma Losing... anything but Mommy or Mom.

Have some respect. You HAD to know this was coming.

The whole mummy/daddy thing is a personal one.

Personally, I believe that when both bio parents are actively involved in their childs life then the titles mum and dad should be reserved to the bio parents, especially in the younger years. Once that child is older, able to understand and able to choose, then it becomes a different matter.

My SD4 calls me by a nickname, its a special nickname, only she and my nieces use. I've been in her life since she was 2.

On the other side I called my step mum "mum" from when I was 6/7 years old. However I had a bad relationship with my BM and looking back I think some of it came from the confusion. To this day I dont seem to be able to have good relationships with both of them at the same time, its like a constant guilt/loyalty game that no one knows we are playing.

Hes still young, like others have said if BM is making a noise about it now then better you all work something out than have BM play games with your SS. You love him, thats fine, you treat him and regard him as a son, that is also fine but the reality is you are his step mother. His biological mother and father will always outrank you in terms of rights/responsibilities. A court is always going to listen to bio-mum and bio-dad, they rarely ask for step parents input and even rarer actually listen to it.

It is really tricky for little ones to understand the difference, especially before they understand WHY mom is "mommy" and dad is "daddy". It's confusing when you don't know the whole story behind it. I do have to agree though...referring to you as "mommy" isn't appropriate. My son was 10 months when DH and I started dating, 3 when we got married, and can't remember life without DH, but still has separated the names of both men in his life. DH and I both have nicknames that the kids refer to us by. And if all 4 children are present, we refer to the other as "mommy" or "daddy", but nick names if the steps only are there. (ie with my kids, I'm mommy, DH is nick name, with skids DH is daddy and I'm nick name) or we just use "step-dad" or "step-mom" And sure, the kids slip up every now and again and call us "mom" or "dad" and I don't see anything wrong with that, because kids shouldn't feel bad about it. And frankly when they are adults, they can call you whatever the hell they want.

There is nothing wrong with using "step" in the title. It is what you are. We need to take the word and erase the "wicked" that goes before it, because there is nothing wrong with being a step-mom, or letting the whole world know that is who you are to this child. It doesn't define an amount of love, just the type of relationship you have, like a grandmother, aunt or cousin. Step-mom means "I didn't give birth to him, I'm married to a biological parent, and might have a hand in raising him." That all depends on the step-mom and her whole situation, (step-dads apply here too..I'm just using the one that fits me) but it certainly doesn't define how much you love your SS.

"mom" is just a title. Just like "count" or "lord". You can easily be a mother only because you gave birth, just like you can be a mother simply by playing the part. You and BM are both being immature and making a mountain out of a mole hill. You both are playing the same role to little baby but eventually he'll realize that you aren't his mom. In all honesty I don't understand why you would want him to call you mom. BMs that throw this fit are the ones that feel insecure about their place in their kids life. You're rocking the boat. You'll have so many other problems to face in the next 15+ years with him and his mom! let this one go. Besides trying to claim the mommy title means you're setting yourself up for SS's future comparison between the two of you. You'll lose and what's worse is he's going to be in the middle of this. Find a new name if you must validate yourself with a nickname or go by your real name since that's what he'll call you eventually anyway.