Any dad and stepmoms have primary custody?
Just was wondering how common it is and if any dads ever get primary custody because they simply are the better choice for their child. Biomom does not do drugs (from what we can see) no arrests, etc. however she has moved 6 times since my sd was born. She is now 18 months. She isn't on a lease, she lives with friend to friend, had an abusive bf and a police report was filed on them fighting in front of sd. Lied about daycare and didn't have insurance for sd. Kept her from her father multiple times. Lied about income and other stuff to try to get more child support. Doesn't have a car or even a bed for sd. Court awarded equal custody to them. Stated that father was more fit than mother but wanted to see if she can straighten up before sd hits school age and that's when they'll decide who is the primary caregiver. Whereas, father has stable job, vehicle, does all transporting, never bad mouthed or kept child away, has a 3 bedroom home, married, etc. I was told multiple times that the court is looking for what's best for the mother, not the child. Is it a longshot to think sd would be better off with father as primary when she hits school age and the court might actually see that?
In my experience you have
In my experience you have minimal chance unless you hire a lawyer, pay through the nose, document everything, and be prepared to go to court multiple times over the next years....and maybe not even then.
IMHO if I was a bio parent in this situation, I'd pay the BM to go away if it will work. Whatever it takes if she doesn't really want the kid anyway, just the money...give her the money but take the kid. Yeah, it's galling, but if you can get her to buy off on it, it might still be cheaper then the lawyers...and you get the kid quicker.
Of course that's just my opinion, free advice is free but might not be worth much....
Psh I wish it was that easy
Psh I wish it was that easy but the child support over the years would be more $$$ for her and she also likes using sd as a trophy child. Cuz she is beautiful. Ugh all these answers are making me upset =\ I know something is wrong because it's to a point where my sd has a panic attack and faints if I leave her. She's so attached to me it's unhealthy. My dh and I can't even disagree with each other without her panicking and crying thinking we'll fight. Can't even tickle me.
Look at the custody laws in
Look at the custody laws in your state. In mine, it is "what is in the best interest of the child" so fathers get custody %50 of the time they file. The percentage is slowly going up in each state so just check. My husband and I are in a current custody battle and have a realllly good chance of getting SS. Document every interaction, every witholding of SK, every rude text/call, EVERYTHING. Documentation WINS court cases for families. People will always tell you the Court favors the mother, but if you guys show that you are trying and she is not, then that will help. You guys call every day and document that you call every day, trying to see SD. Keep us posted!
That whole "buy the BM off"
That whole "buy the BM off" thing may actually work..as horrible as it would be on her part for taking it. If that is the way to for sure get what is best for the kid done, then that is simply doing what needs to be done for the kid. My husband's BM is a POS. When my husband was born, she was leaving his father to do drugs and be a dancer. Right before the hearing started for divorce/custody, she talked to his dad and ended up asking for $10 for cigarettes and she would go away. Now it wont be that cheap to bribe your BM, but it still may work. And I would try it. Tell her you will pay her $200 monthly or something.
My DH and I have primary
My DH and I have primary custody. We have since SS was 12. THis is mostly due though to the fact that the courts allowed SS to speak to what he wanted and the Child Therapist pushed his mother to let SS come to live with us full-time.
Your situation will likely be more difficult. I think the courts should revist your case before she is school age. It also almost sounds like CPS should be involved as BM has no stable residence, no bed for the child and the child is subjected to Domestic Violene. This would not go over well with Child Services in Canada, I am not sure where you live but this does not should like a healthy situation for the child.
We did get cps involved. They
We did get cps involved. They said because she dropped the charges against him, they can't do anything about it. As for the living situation, they said the place she lives is "clean" and my sd lOoks like she's taken care of, therefore they won't step in.
We have primary custody. BM
We have primary custody. BM kept SD from DH multiple times over the course of 3 years, she PAS'd the kid, she lied about us. But, she also did prescription drugs heavily. She fled out of state earlier this year, taking SD with her, with no notice to DH. HE was outta luck basically. He hired an atty, we filed all the right papers to try for custody. In the time she was gone, 3 months, he had no contact with her at all. BM wouldn't let him speak to her.
BM's own parents helped us get his daughter back. They sent her back for a "visit" but in reality they were sending her away to live with us because BM was in surgery. Sneaky, yes. DH got lucky and the judgement came within days of her being returned to him. He was granted Full Custody. SD has not seen BM in 4 months now, but visits are coming close with the holidays.
I did what was right for DH and helped him get his daughter back. I did all his legal paperwork, investigating, etc. Our relationship now is rocky because she is with us full time. All I can say is be careful what you wish for. I had no idea it would be this horrible.
Honestly I love my sd with
Honestly I love my sd with all my heart and nothing could be worse than the worry we get whenever she goes back to bm. We already have her for half the time and it feels so empty whenever she isn't here. I love her and I'd be nothing but blessed if she was put in a situation that was best for her. She's so attached to me that she panics and faints if I leave her.
We have primary of one and
We have primary of one and she has of the other. But, they are teens and the courts give them what they want once they are over 14 here. So we stopped fighting it and so did BM.
So I may get lucky and SD
So I may get lucky and SD will want to live with BM when she is 14 and the courts may allow it? I can only wish...
Grrrr. Teenage years are too
Grrrr. Teenage years are too far from now! And by then she can do so much mental damage to her....
We're her actions severe??
We're her actions severe??
Very possible it could work
Very possible it could work out for yall. My husband has joint legal with him having full physical custody. She was very unstable lived in about 20 places (friends), couldn't hang on to a job nor boyfriend, and would leave the kids with other ppl when "she was suppose to have them." So, for hubby having a very stable job, home, consistant with routines with kids, AND BEING MARRIED (is a big plus by the way) I don't see how it would go any different but to award him physical custody. I hope it all works out for yall!
Thank you!! You don't know
Thank you!! You don't know how hopeful one positive response makes me. Here's the issue. Judge did say that it was extremely unstable of her to move multiple times but he has "hope" for this current place. She does have a stable job.... At McDonald's... And she does leave the baby with multiple people but we don't have cold hard evidence of that. Judge also said she needs to ask the bio grandmother to watch the baby before anyone else and she ha failed to even do that once. Father is very consistent with routines and everything. Has a very good job. She keeps threatening saying the fact that I love sd so much, she'll take that to court. Fact that we're married really does help out a lot?? I just don't see why he wouldn't get physical custody when school starts seeing as the child doesn't even have her own room or even bed!! No transportation, no stable home, etc etc...
We do. Thanks CPS. Took
We do. Thanks CPS. Took them awhile to realize BM was a POS. No drugs, No alcohol, but BM is a POS who enabled her DH to be a child abuser & molester...
How long has this custody
How long has this custody arrangment be in affect? Usually there needs to be a "material change" in circumstance to change the exisiting order. You hhave 50/50 now, and that is great, you may need to wait a while and see how it plays out.
My husband is a custodial parent. He was award custody when my SSs were 1 & 2. Their "mother" sounds a lot like the woman you are dealing with. I refer to her as "can't get right" because still today, at age 40, she cannot get her shit together.
DH has had sole custody since
DH has had sole custody since the split. She surrendered her rights though. Sadly, she's still in the picture and causing damage to the kid, but at least we get to have the little one 99% of the time.
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My Dh has primary custody of
My Dh has primary custody of my SD.
Please do not EVER refer to it as "our" custody or "We have custody." This is one of those pet peeves of mine and of many judges' as well. The father or the mother will be the custodian. Stepmom, you are a legal no one. This is not meant as an attack on you, but keep yourself out of the line of fire by not referring to your husband's custody as in any way related to you. It isn't. If he died tomorrow, you would have no legal claim to the child, and you have to honor and respect the mom's relationship by realizing that you are a secondary party. OK?
It sounds almost mean to
It sounds almost mean to some, but legally it is simple fact. There is no we, no us, no custodial stepmom. And every time a stepmom (or stepdad) talks about "we" "us" etc - or constantly relives the "history" of mom (which they know only from one side of the story, dad's/dad's family), they HARM their husband's case. The very best thing a loving wife can do is step back and stay out of dad's custody/child support/relationship with ex. You may have the best intentions, and that's great - but generally a stepmom should stay in her "place." And guess what, that is privately supporting your hubby (or in the case of stepdad, your wife, or in the case of gay parents, your partner) but not pushing, leading, or equating his or her custody with your own. I can't stress this enough: you are no one in this equation. If your DH/DW can't/won't pursue whatever it is you think they should have/want, that is up to them. If your DH/DW gets custody and then sadly passes on, you are a legal stranger to the child, who goes back to the other parent. If your DH/DW has a story about the ex, that is info that you have to understand doesn't justify you acting superior to that person - they are in fact superior to you where the kids are concerned. They are the other parent, and you are...no one. A secondary adult at best
I say this with the heart of a stepmom because I am one. I am not custodial - my DH is. I am not paying child support - my DH is. I am not "suing" or "going to court" with my DH's ex - DH is. I was not a part of their marriage, and I do not know both sides of their story. My very best contribution to THEIR children is respectful treatment of their mother, regardless of what I think of her (and don't tell me about how YOUR BM is different, because you have no idea about my DH's ex and his story of her, or his kids' story of her - just get the message - I give them all the best gift by respecting her as their mom). I don't go to court with him - and I am an attorney! I know firsthand, and try so hard to educate others, on what a bad idea it is to create a personal vendetta against the other parent - either as the natural parent or the stepparent. Your opinion doesn't matter. AT ALL. You are a support person for all involved.
You are not custodial. You are not the parent. You do not know the full history or the full relationships. PLEASE try to be a positive part of the process.
I don't think when all
I don't think when all stepparents say 'our custody' 'we pay child support' etc., it is necessarily bc they are delusional about what the court order says or their legal standing or would say it to the judge. At least with me and the stepparents I know it is more that they are connected with their spouse and what goes on in THEIR house. Yes, it's DH's custody/parenting time where SS comes to OUR house, eats OUR food, spends OUR money, and does what WE planned for OUR family. OUR bills are in DH's name only, but those are 'ours' too.
I agree, we're all different.
I agree, we're all different. I also say, we are the custodial parents because WE (dh and I) are. Likewise, when courts make decisions about custody, we (spouses of parents) are also considered in the picture--for better or worse. True, ultimately our husbands are the parents and custody is between the parents, but we're part of that picture. We're contributing significant resources (emotional, financial, time, etc). How about we each use the terminology that makes sense to us, given how different and varied our families and custody situations are...
My husband is custodial. I
My husband is custodial. I have been granted custody of my SSs three times over the past years due to his deployments. We deal with an absentee bio/unfit parent I would disagree with many of the things you have said legally and otherwise.
I was referring to this
I was referring to this statement by runninglawperson
"This is one of those pet peeves of mine and of many judges' as well. The father or the mother will be the custodian. Stepmom, you are a legal no one. "
People should not speak in absolutes, it misleads people.
NO, legally it is not
NO, legally it is not possible. Stepmom is not a party to the case and has no legal rights as to the child, so a court order mentioning her "custody" would be invalid on its face. I can't imagine a single judge, court clerk, or even law student, who would be so ignorant as to include stepmom in the court order as a custodian, barring official adoption of the child...
DH has primary custody of
DH has primary custody of SD8.. but simply because BM is POS and not at all involved in SD8 life. What gets me.. DH got custody when SD was 3. Up until then DH was paying around $800 in CS. Now.. BM pays $0. Court said "she doesnt have a job, how can we expect her to pay CS." REALLY WTF, get a job. Not only does she not have to pay CS, but DH also has to pay for BM to be drug tested when and if she ever comes to see SD8. Sound real fair don't it.
FDH has primary custody. BM
FDH has primary custody. BM wanted out of the marriage to be with another married man.
FDH said, "take whatever you want, just get out and the kids are staying with me"
When it came time to draw up divorce papers, FDH had his lawyer write in that he was primary and that BM never had to pay him child support and that on top of FDH buying BM out of his pension, he would give her $25,000 CASH.
And BM went for it.
Signed the papers,...
I have joked with him before that he should have offered her more and had her sign away her parental rights and she probably would have gone for it.
Yes, it is possible and I
Yes, it is possible and I would even say probable in this case. My husband had a similar situation. BM actually worked but her work schedule was not suitable for a school age child's schedule. (BM was waitress/barmaid and worked until 2:00 AM) BM had her own apartment, son had own bed/bedroom. However, he was not taken to preschool regularly when with BM and not properly supervised. After home inspections, psychological testing, Dad was awarded primary custody, BM was awarded visits according to her work schedule until just before school was to start (son had just turned 4 at the time of initial award of custody). At that point, courts had to revise visits and BM got every other weekend and Wed. evenings. BM has since had a drug overdose in front of her second child (to another man), been arrested for two DUIs and Theft by Deception, and lived in a home with documented domestic violence. At this point, dad has sole legal and physical custody. BM has not seen or talked to her son in over six months. We are waiting for these charges to go to sentencing over the next few more months and filing for termination of her rights and step parent adoption. It is a long, sad process for the child, but in our case it seems to be working out.
SM here. We have 100%
SM here. We have 100% physical/ legal custody of SS and we got to take him out of California and move to Japan (DH is military) it took lots of money in legal fees and 3 years of court for us to get physical custody with her just having visitation. I think California is one of the hardest states for father to get custody.