First Option of Care DRAMA
Hello,
We are just beginning our custody battle, so a lot of this is new to me.
My husband has joint legal and physical custody of his 2 year old daughter. The biological Mother recently took him to court to try to relocate herself, and the child, out of state. The court denied this, so she has been making our lives more than unpleasant since then.
One of our biggest problems right now is the first option if child care. It states in the custod order that "In the event either parent requires child care for 4 hours or more while the child is in custody, the other parent must be given first option of child care. This includes regular child care when a parent is working."
The BM has followed my husband to see when and if he has to go to work when the child is in our care. She regularly drives by his place of employment to see if his car is there. We even had an incident when she showed up at our home pounding on the door and windows screaming my name and the childs name. My husband was out at the time, but I refused to open the door and called the police. The police came and after looking at the custody order asked her to leave.
I am a Mother myself, and am in no way trying to take over the role of Mom in this case. We just want to enjoy the time we have with the child without having to worry about this kind of harassment.
Here is my question: If my husband has to leave for work, or for any other reason while the child is in our home, in my care, does the Mother have the right to demand the child be returned to her if he is going to be gone for LESS THAN 4 HOURS?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
When I read that, I got
When I read that, I got something different than I think what you're talking about.
If the parent 'requires child care' for 4 hours or more...if you're home, he doesn't require childcare, right? Does this court order really say that, if your husband is gone for 5 hours, that instead of leaving the child with you, his wife, you all need to make arrangements to have BM come over and pick the child up, then have her drop the child back off 5 hours later? It doesn't make much logical sense, but if thats what it means, then I guess thats what it means.
I don't however, think that BM should be coming to get the child if your DH is gone less tan four hours. That part seems pretty black and white to me.
It is called Right of Refusal
It is called Right of Refusal and pretty common here. She has to give the BM the option of watching the kids if their Dad is gone more than 4 hours. If she refuses, then the SM can watch them. We have it for 2 hours. It is actually nice for us, because then we get the SS more. If the BM lets us know. In our case she doesn't and it will be an issue for her when we go to mediation. DH's lawyers are planning on bringing it up.
Hmmmm, I guess I learned
Hmmmm, I guess I learned something new today. 2 hours sounds extra-convoluted to me, but I guess thats just how it is.
Yes it did to me too, I
Yes it did to me too, I actually asked early on to see it in the CO. Two hours is nuts. We always call her if we are going out and we have the kids, she doesn't do it for us. So we keep track and hope that if she gets irritated or pissy in mediation, we can use it against her.
2 hours?! I guess I
2 hours?! I guess I shouldn't complain about 4!
NewStepMom - my DH had the
NewStepMom - my DH had the exact same clause in his agreement. It is rather ironic BM put it there (well, my guess her attorney did thinking that's what BM would want) since immediately after the divorce was final, all she did was try to leave the kids with my DH above and beyond his scheduled time.
Anyway, ever since I married my DH, I watch the skids when he's away. Actually, they are in our house on schedule regardless of my DH's whereabouts. Even when I know for a fact BM knows he's away, she happily brings them over - on the clock. All along having that clause in the agreement.
Of course, I know that's my BM's stance and your BM looks like she's vindictive in a different way. However, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect any court to be flexible about that clause when it comes to a step parent providing care, keeping in mind that, when the Agreement was written, a step parent was not in the picture.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't worry too much. If the psycho decides to take your DH to court, chances are she will be shot down.
If it is over 4 hours you
If it is over 4 hours you have to give her the option of carng for the child. Don't mess with this, it will bite you in the butt. We have the Right of Refusal option if it is over 2 hours. Right now, we are keeping notes on BM for not giving DH the option of watching his kids when she is working. We may end up in mediation and this is going to look bad for BM. You don't want to be in the situation where you have to defend your actions in court. If he is gone over 4 hours, let her know.
I have a question.. how did
I have a question.. how did you find out she is working and not allowing the DH to care for the child? We believe the BM is doing this as well. She is an RN and works 7pm-7am. Before this order was in place she was working 4-5 days a week. She has now cut her schedule to only work one day a week so that the child does not have to stay with us any longer than is ordered by the court. I think the only way to prove this is to have the schedule suopeonaed by the court.
We know where she works and
We know where she works and know her hours. When things were better she would ask us to have the kids in the evening on her week until she got off. Now, SS tells us that he is home alone with his SS and Sister and/or Stepdad. It always seems to come out. Now we just keep track. Last week she actually forgot to make provsions for SS when he was to go to her house. DH was off and just kept him all day. She finally called DH and he said he was keeping him until she got off work. He had him all day until 9:30 at night. She was going to leave him alone with siblings all day. She is no supposed to do it and she knows it. Now, it should be better for a little bit since she got caught again.
Thank you so much for all of
Thank you so much for all of your advice. I also have my own biological daughter, so I understand the Mom's wanting to be the one to care for her child if her Dad is unable to do so. I am in no way trying to over step my boundaries because I know how it feels to be on both sides. All I want is for this situation to be fair and for the Mom to understand that it is NOT ok to follow him, and do "drive-bys" to see what is going on with us. I am sure she goes out and hires a babysitter once in a while, but there is no way we would go to the extreme that she has. And like you said, Stepkate, the word "childcare" seems pretty grey to me, but fighting this is not something that I want to take on. We have no problem letting her know if he is going to be away for more than 4 hours, we just want to be left alone if it is going to be less. Is this unreasonable? It's going to be a long 16 years...
So, the orders state that if
So, the orders state that if the child is going to be with anybody OTHER than the step mom the Mom has to be notified? I have heard people say their order states the Mom has to be notified if the child is going to be in the care of anybody other than a member of the household the Mom has to be notified... I have a feeling we will be back to court soon and this thing will have to be rewritten.
Ours states anyone other than
Ours states anyone other than the biological parent is not available, the other parent has first right of refusal. If she says no, then we can have anyone watch them.
I personally don't think it's
I personally don't think it's about mom wanting to spend more time with her child. It's about POWER and CONTROL. At least, that is my experience with BM. It's really never about the kids' wellbeing or her undying love, but about her grabbing the opportunity to harrass my DH.
I have my own kids and I know first hand what a love for your child is. That isn't.
Blondie, I agree, I am just
Blondie, I agree, I am just trying to be politically correct here! If the mom was looking out for the child's best interest, she would understand that standing outside of our home pounding on the doors and windows while screaming mine and the child's name is not the best thing for the baby. She would understand that it is in the best interest of the baby to allow her to bond with both families, in both homes without interfering. It is an issue of control and insecurity. My ex husband has remarried and I am so grateful that she is there when my daughter goes for a visit. I feel so much better knowing that my daughter is being cooked for, her clothes are being cleaned, and that she is in an environment of a stable home while she is there. I suppose that is because I am not insecure with my role as her Mother. Not sure if things will get better or worse with this BM, but I am bracing myself for a very bumpy ride...
I love your post! In the
I love your post! In the custody order it states that knowledge of the other parents address must not be used for harassment purposes. That's exactly what this was. We did send her an email telling her that if anything like that ever happened again that a RO will be placed on her. All of our communication goes through email now and every time she pulls something crazy like this we always put it an in email to her.. Something like "I do not appreciate you driving by my work daily to check to see if I am there"... This way everything is documented. She is having a very hard time understanding the whole "4 hour thing", but she's just going to have to get used to it. If this means me calling the police every time she shows up at our home, so be it.
In my situation the BM's
In my situation the BM's attorney keeps trying to be sneaky when he's writing up what the judge ordered by changing it from 4 or more days to 1 day. The thing is, we live 4 states away and my DH is military. Every 6 days he has duty which means he stays at work overnight. If it states 1 day then every 5 days my SD would have to fly back and forth. That is ridiculous! I can understand if my DH were deployed or underway for more than 4 days, but no child needs to go through the stress of flying back and forth every single week. Every time BM's attorney sneaks that change into the CO we have to go before the judge and get it fixed. Her attorney just did it again last week as well as lied and snuck other things in the CO. So looks like we will be going back to court again. Oh yay.
If you live near the BM I can understand the 4hr thing. She should get the first choice to watch her child. But what she is doing is stalking and harrassing you. That is illegal and you need to get a restraining order on her. If she is doing this now things are only going to get even worse for you. You and DH need to be prepared as best you can. Document everything!
The key to this is to have
The key to this is to have your attorney write up the Judges ruling. We always made sure that our attorney wrote up the ruling for this very reason. Their attorney wrote up the first one then sent it to us and our attorney for review.
Their idiot had so many inaccurate and manipulations added to the ruling that from then on we never allowed their attorney to touch the CO write up. We insured our attorney did the write up by "volunteering" to pay for the additional time for our attorney as a magnanimous gesture to lower their legal bills.
We never manipulated what the judge ordered when doing the write up. I would listen to court recordings while reviewing the write up to make sure what the judge said was in the order as he said it. We also never pushed for clarification from the judge on anything vague that was ordered. Those were opportunities to interpret the vague areas as we decided.
Since the SpermClan never really read the CO, this gave us much latitude and control over the whole situation.
I wish I had a manual outlining all of the things we learned about navigating family law courts and controlling manipulative blended family opposition when we started. We learned what we know over time and at great emotional and monetary cost.