So a little back ground: when DH and I started dating 15 years ago I had a 2 year old son, he had a 4 year old daughter. Fast forward a few years we had a son of our own. We always tried to be fair across the board with all of our kids. For the most part all went very well. We would have the occasional blow ups from disrespectful and defiant attitudes thrown out by his daughter. Never really noticed much until about 5 years ago just how bad DH looks at her through rose colored glasses. I guess it has always been easier to turn the blind eye than to rattle the cage. 

I have raised my kids with certain expectations. (Grades, behavior, activities, etc.) However SD has always found a way to throw a wrench in the process. I guess it was about 5 years ago that thing really started going south. She got in trouble and lost her privileges because I busted her going off and spending the weekend with her boyfriend instead of being at a friends house like she claimed. So it was my job the go through the phone and find out exactly what all had been going on. That's when I saw the text and origin of my user name, it was her referencing me as her step mafia. Talk about a punch in the gut. This is a kid I travelled an hour both ways to get to school or pick up, coached ball, went to every event, took to doctors, dentist, parent conferences, and lived in my home (by choice.) Now mind you just about every coach, teacher, or any authority figure has at some point had to reach out to us with issues involving poor disrespectful attitude. 

Fast forward to a year ago,  it was miserable! Everytime she walked through the door it was grumbles and sighs, Slamming doors, treating the other 2 kids like shit, not coming out of her room unless everyone else was in bed, and if she did I wanted to leave because it was so toxic being around her. So came the day it all broke down. She had one job to do in return for the auto insurance, dishes, big deal. Well for a whole month she left the top rack of the dish machine full of the same dishes because of hard water stains. I had already started pulling back st this point so I would express my frustrations with DH. He finally got around to addressing the issue and of course she had to argue. So round and around they go while I am boiling over trying to stay out of it. I dont take kids arguing with adults to well. Finally I had to jump in and here we go she let it ride, went on to tell my DH that I'm the reason why she doesn't speak to us, I'm the reason why she's so stressed out, why she doesn't want to come out of her room, and why she will wind up not having a relationship with him. All standing in my kitchen! So i tell her that she just gave a whole bunch of reasons why she needed to pack her shit and go to her mothers. So she leaves running to mommy's house. Well a night or so later thinks she is going to stroll in like nothing happened. Well thing had been rough between him and I after all this so we were already in a heated discussion when she got there. Needless to say she over heard us came out playing the victim asking if she neede to leave, which I thought had already been established. 

I finally got my husband to see the pain I had been going through and to realize the games of divisive actions she had been putting on the rest of the family and he promised to keep an eye out for it in the future. There was never any apology or real discussion about what happened. But my DH and I came to a understanding and tried to rebuild after such a traumatic experience for our family. Things have been much better but she always finds a way to throw a jab when she is around or if events come up. I feel alone because if I express my hurt or awareness to her actions I am considered crazy or looking for something. He is always trying to spin things in a much nicer way than what I take them. I feel used for all the things I did and years I invested into someone who feels this way about me. I feel like I took time I should have spent on my own 2 children and wasted it on an ungrateful narcissist who now no longer needs me so she can treat me any way she likes. IWhen events for her comes up and she doesn't want me there my DH gets mad at me for not going. I am so torn. I just dont know what to do. Do I just keep it to myself when she is manipulating him or point it out? But if i point it out he doesn't see it. I'm trying to get through this myself and almost feel like it is a waste of time cause i am always going to hurt and be alone in this.

Oh and I have watched her talk to him in ways that would have caused WW3 if it had been me but he doesn't even realize it at the time until I point it out.