24 yr. old STEPSON MOVED IN WITH US
None of my friends have "stepchildren" issues, so I'm looking here for advice. My husbands son decided to attempt college (2nd time) and wanted to do so in the U.S. He has lived the majority of his life in Bermuda and attended 1 year of college in Canada and did poorly. We have two children together (17 yr. old twins). It has been 6 mos. since he arrived and it is not going well - AT ALL. He agreed to pay us $200 per month and that covers all of his needs - food, rent, utilities and transportation (until he buys his own car). He agreed to find employment (got a job waiting tables for a very busy restaurant - good $$$$) and he agreed to use his student loan refund to purchase a used car. He was fired from his job....NO CALL NO SHOW - went to Bermuda for a week to visit family 3 weeks after classes started. He is spending his student loan money on things that he does not need. PS3 Games,ect....and I suspect that he may also have a scheme to sell marijuana. He went to the bank yesterday to pull out a large amount of cash and then spent the next 20 minutes texting. His father says that he is "handling" the situation and he feels that so long as he is in school and getting good grades, paying the $200 each month, then leave him alone. I have no problem helping someone who is helping themselves. But I do not see that with this young man. He doesn't clean up after himself. He watches his father push mow the long after working all week. He eats everything in site! Especially, after everyone has gone to bed - - a 32 oz. jar of peanut butter has a life of approximately 2 days around here. 2 months ago, he invited a guy/girl (boyfriend/girlfriend) over and they ended up spending the night because they got too drunk to drive. I was unaware that they were here until the next morning. I discovered later that he had engaged in a threesome with this couple because they were inspired to do so after seeing the movie, "Savages" ---- 15 FEET FROM OUR BEDROOM DOOR. I later learned that my 17 year old daughter almost caught the three of them in the act. I was so upset that he would disrespect our family home in this manner that I lost my cool and a screaming match occurred. He is telling his father that he can attend school in England, but wants to finish the year here. None of the credits he's getting from the community college here, will transfer - so I see it as a big waste of time and money. His father has mentioned several times that if he does leave, it will be my fault because I am always angry with him. I am angry. I have two daughters attending school full time and holding down part time jobs. Their 24 year old brother is sitting here doing nothing except going to school a couple of times a week for a few hours, kicking a soccer ball in the backyard, playing his guitar and playing all his new games on the Playstation. I'm in college full time earning my bachelors and these problems are affecting my studies. I need advice on what to do!
Thank you for responding and
Thank you for responding and you're 150% RIGHT about Dad feeling guilty. That is a HUGE problem. Can't turn off the utilities......that would effect the entire house. I would pack up and leave tomorrow if I could. I'm a full time student. My husband and I agreed 2 years ago that he would work, while I obtained my degree.
Move out with your girls
Move out with your girls until SS is out. Tell DH you do not and WILL NOT expose your DD to this thug any longer. DH is blind and will not make changes until he has to. Good luck.
^This. All the way.
^This. All the way.
You need to move out...Sorry,
You need to move out...Sorry, but this is a train wreck that you are exposing your children to.
I agree with the others -
I agree with the others - time to leave
Time for the skid to get out,
Time for the skid to get out, you have younger children to look after, you are studying, and your DH is working. What does your ss have to do, before your DH reacts to such disrespectful behaviour in your home ???
The recent events would be enough for me, to sit DH down and go through a few options, let him help ss by getting him to some other accomodation, as long as it is out of your house. I know this option stinks a bit, but it's a quick way to get it sorted, and your DH, quite wrongly, is already supporting this Adult, because $ 200 per month is a tiny amount !!!
Thank You! And, you're
Thank You! And, you're right. I told my husband that if SKID wants to stay, then he MUST GET A CAR & A JOB. If he wants to go - then go now. Give back what's left of the student loan money, drop the classes and jet off to paradise. My husband says that the poor thing doesn't know what he wants to do. He's confused and can't make a decision. Funny. He just came in my room while I was typing this to tell me that he has spent the last hour on the computer responding to a contest he heard about through email for a $1,000 gift card to Best Buy. I asked him, "Did you give them a credit card?" His response? "Yeah, but it's the one with hardly any money on it." My response? "Well, sounds like you're pretty darn lucky. That's awesome. Hope it works out for you." Wouldn't that hour spent setting yourself up for identity theft been a lot more productive if you were searching Craigslist for cars to purchase? Or applying for a job? Maybe setting an appointment at the DMV to get a frickin' drivers license? Yeah, he needs to go. I can't help him. His departure will probably be the end of my marriage. Oh well......
^^^^ LOL!!! Echo makes a
^^^^ LOL!!! Echo makes a very good suggestion here...!
I agree with risingaboveit.
I agree with risingaboveit. Give your husband a short deadline to evict his worthless son. If he won't do it, he loses you and his daughters. You have to mean it when you say it, too. The one thing I told my husband I couldn't live with was his kids moving in with us. He agreed to that without another thought.
UPDATE: Last week a violent
UPDATE: Last week a violent confrontation ensued. My husband and I were discussing all of the above mentioned behind closed doors. The SS eavesdropped on the entire thing. My husband left the room and allowed the SS to enter who then proceeded to TELL ME OFF. I never spoke a word. He left the room and SLAMMED my bedroom door. I decided to leave. As I came through the living room with purse in hand, the SS asked me what my problem was. I told him. "You're a flake. You need to get a job, get a car or pack your things and go home to Bermuda." My husband said, "NO!" Our bio twins (age 17) decided to get on the "Bash Momma Train" and one of the girls insisted that I not leave. All three children were standing in front of me screaming and yelling. I looked over at my husband and said, "You need to put a stop to this NOW." He refused. My 17 year old daughter pushed me into a chair (lost my footing) and was hovering over me yelling. I used my feet to push her away and the SS came at me screaming, "Don't you dare touch my little sister." At that point, my husband did step in between us. I was able to leave.
I returned several hours later and came into a conversation between the SS and the DH. They were discussing finances and how to make things work with me NOT LIVING AT THE HOUSE. For example.....SS said, "So, if she leaves, that means she will have to quit school and work full time, right?" Husband said, "Yes. And that will throw us into an income bracket that will hamper the girls' student aid." They both decided to keep things the way they are. Let me mention here that this is NOT the first time SS has become violent and came at me. He's raised his fist to me and kick boxed our back door and broke it.
I went to bed. The next day while here alone with SS, I asked to speak with him. I told him, "Now it's a fair fight and I've got some things to say." I informed him that "YES" - - my options are very limited right now. I am NOT working and the only income in this house is what his father brings home and MY student loan money that helps buy the toilet paper he wipes his ass with. I can't leave and YOU WON'T. So here's the deal. You EVER become violent with me again and I'll pick up the phone - call 911 and explain that I fear for my personal safety. You WILL be removed from this house by me simply using law enforcement. As for my own children. Set them straight too. If you ever decide again that you're going to take an opportunity to unleash some teenage frustration on your mother because you've got the backing from your older brother....be prepared to spend some time in a jail cell.
I reiterated this conversation with my husband and explained to him that as THE FATHER of this house, his first priority his the health and safety of all members. He said that if a stranger were to attack me, he would most certainly intervene. However, when it comes to his kids.......not much he can do. As for his son, he explained to me that he is an ADULT and can do what he wants to so long as he's paying his measly $200 per month. The son has decided to finish this semester and a Spring semester at the community college and he will return to Bermuda in May of 2013. In the meantime, he's on a spiritual journey and learning sooooo much about himself. He even said that he's thinking about going to Brazil and taking hallucinogens to get a deeper understanding of his dark side. Something about liking the backs of a certain frog? Apparently, this is what the natives do in Brazil.
Yesterday, the SS purchased an "EVERLAST" punching bag and some new gloves from Dick's Sporting Goods. My husband agreed that this was an irresponsible purchase and he didn't like the idea that his student loan refund money (money to be used for school needs such as transportation, housing and supplies) was being used for this. When we returned, his SS ordered a UFC fight for $44 for the two of them to watch.
My college degree is my only hope for a future. Or as my husband likes to refer to it...."His Retirement Plan" I have one more year until my girls are off to college and one more year til the SS leaves my home. Until then, I don't want to do anything to "Fuck up my free ride". .....as my soon to be ex-husband so eloquently put it.
THANKS FOR READING AND REMEMBER....When people SHOW you who they are, believe them.